[Xdad]

I didn't mean to confuse anyone. My daughters mother kept her and I singed away my rights.
I have written my firts draft of the contact letter, and will go over it several times before I send it...then hope.

[Oceans]

I am keeping good thoughts for you...

[Leigh131313]

Thanks for clarifying!!


I think contacting the mom would be completely apropriate. Even if nothing else but to open a door for the future.

Good Luck!!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Makes much more sense now. I was also a little confused!

I hope that it's received well and you at least can start a dialogue with her mom.

Keep us updated

[Xdad]

So, This is about the third draft of my letter, and it needs tweaking as the thought pattern is all over the place. I figured that she didn't want to hear my sob story about the past 15 years, so I omited that part.

Any thoughts on the letter?

Dear M,

It has been around 15 years since we last spoke, and at that it was very little.
For the past 15 years my involvement with you and the result of bringing a life into the world has haunted me. K has always been in my mind. I am embarrassed with my behavior back then, and would do things differently for sure. I really have held no animosity for you, only shame for my actions…or lack thereof.
When I found out about you being pregnant, I was shocked, sacred, and in denial. I was also upset that I had to hear about this through the grapevine.
As far as why I walked out on the whole thing was that I was immature, and scared. I couldn’t even face your parents! You had given me some pictures of K, and I kept them in a safe place, but somebody took them from my house along with a number of pictures of me. I have stayed in contact with my friends in Ohio, and anytime I could, I’d ask to see if you were doing ok.

I remember a conversation that if I walked away, that I couldn’t be a part of K’s life and you would not contact me. For a scared 25 year old, I ran. I was surprised then when I received a child support letter from you asking for help. I didn’t understand why you were asking this of me. Newly married and still scared, and all that there was, I couldn’t afford the money that was requested for the courts. At some point I was asked to allow an adoption as you were just getting married. I signed the papers and that was it.
The last time we spoke, I was really freaked out. You were asking about any family episodes of epilepsy. First I was shocked that you had called, second I was afraid that there was something wrong with K. Mostly, though, I was glad when the phone call was over. That was my way of dealing with the guilt, to ignore it.
The only person in my family that even knows of K is my sister. I wanted to keep it that way, so there wouldn’t be any “grandparents” or relatives bothering you.

The first few years I was angry, and felt betrayed (I imagine you felt the same way, but for different reasons). I have wanted to write this letter 10 years ago and have wanted to see K, but sticking to my word, I resisted contacting you.

I did see a guy on the Subway in New York that was a dead ringer for your brother, and I freaked out and got off at the next stop.

The past few years have been very strange and enlightening, both very bad things and very good things. All in all I am happy, just hoping to try to make thing right with those I have hurt over the years.

I know this letter may come as a shock to you, and I hope that you read it a few times before responding.
I want you to know that I am sorry for the heartaches, and trouble I have caused you. I hurts to admit such things. I am not asking for forgiveness, just thought I owed it to you to try to explain now what I couldn’t explain then. I am open to any questions you may have, and anger you want to let go of, I don’t expect to ever meet my daughter, but if she asks, let her know that I wish I had tried harder to be strong.

If you want to contact me, you can through this, or though the following:

[Oceans]

Honestly.... I think some of it is good but some of it sounds a little like an accusation that she played a role in this. While that may be true, it's not really what you want to point out when making an apology... know what I mean? Maybe more like this (I deleted the stuff I wouldn't like you saying to me if i were K's mom) Just a thought
_________________

Dear ___________,

I know this letter may come as a shock to you

It has been around 15 years since we last spoke, but K has always been in my mind. I am embarrassed with my behavior back then, and would do things differently for sure. I really have held no animosity for you, only shame for my actions…or lack thereof.

When I found out about you being pregnant, I was shocked, sacred, and in denial. As far as why I walked out on the whole thing was that I was immature, and scared. I couldn’t even face your parents! I have stayed in contact with my friends in Ohio, and anytime I could, I’d ask to see if you were doing ok.

I remember a conversation that if I walked away, that I couldn’t be a part of K’s life and you would not contact me. For a scared 25 year old, I ran. When I received the request for child support, I was newly married and couldn’t afford the money that was requested from the courts. I apologize for the way I acted.

In the past, the way I have dealt with the guilt, was to ignore it. I have wanted to write this letter 10 years ago and have wanted to see K, but sticking to my word, I resisted contacting you.

I want you to know that I am sorry for the heartaches, and trouble I have caused you. It hurts to admit such things. I am not asking for forgiveness, just thought I owed it to you to try to explain now what I couldn’t explain then. I am open to any questions you may have and would like Katherine to know that I wish I had tried harder to be strong.

I would enjoy hearing from you and how you are doing. I think of Katherine often. If you would like to contact me, you can through this, or though the following:

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm with Oceans.

It's not the time to be addressing her actions. If you want, that can come at a later time. Even though where you discuss her, you do always follow it with an apology, I still think it could rub her the wrong way and you want to avoid any possibility of interpreting anything as an accusation (even if that's not what you meant by what you said). You won't be there to clarify what you wrote when she's reading, so include nothing that could possibly be interpreted as putting the responsibility on her. She may resent even the slightest suggestion that your non-involvement with the your daughter was her fault in any way.

At this point, if you want to open the door, you need to only focus on your own actions and your own responsibilities, with no excuses.

I would work with the version that Oceans pared down for you, or do your own editing.

Just my opinion

[lovemy2boys]

I 100% agree with Oceans and zxc...

Although I'm sure your points are valid and you don't mean to be accusatory, if she receives the letter as is, I have a feeling she will probably view it as such. Chances are the apologies will go unnoticed because it will seem sort of like a backhanded apology (even though I know that's not your intention.

Apologizing is the first step - sorting through all the other stuff can come at a later date.

Best of luck to you!

[browneyes0707]

See I thought it was OK, but then again I'm not in her boat, and I'm an easy forgiver I also tend to pour my heart out in these situations.

I agree that if there is a risk of something being taken the wrong way, then take it out. In the end they are words on a page that can create a slew of misinterpretations. Maybe if one day you can speak to her in person or on the phone, you can hash out the particulars. Might be best for first contact to KISS (keep it short and simple!)

Good luck!

[zxczxcasdasd]

You are very forgiving my dear. We can't all hope for the good fortune of the people who've got you in their lives.

[Xdad]

You are all right. I still have many versions to go. (KISS) is what I'm after, but if this is a one shot letter, it needs to be perfect.

[Xdad]

I feel strange writing this letter with the world looking at it, editing it, but I realize that they are my words and right now I am more emotional that I normally can be (childhood lesson 1) and it just flows sometimes. OK, so I took what I had written and edited the "uncomfortable" parts (which I see why) added more, and I think I'm ready. ALSO through some sources that I have, She knows she has a different father, I don't know any more that that...I also found 3 pictures of her online! I am done stalking, and ready to face the music.
What say the peanut gallery?
Dear M,


I know this letter may come as a shock to you, but please read.

It has been around 15 years since we last spoke, but K has always been in my mind. I am embarrassed with my behavior back then, and would do things differently for sure. I really have held no animosity for you, only shame for my actions…or lack thereof.

When I found out about you being pregnant, I was shocked, sacred, and in denial. As far as why I walked out on the whole thing was that I was immature, and scared. I couldn’t even face your parents! I have stayed in contact with my friends in Ohio, and anytime I could, I’d ask to see if you were doing ok.

I remember a conversation that if I walked away, that I couldn’t be a part of K’s life and you would not contact me. For a scared 25 year old, I ran. When I received the request for child support, I was newly married and couldn’t afford the money that was requested from the courts. I apologize for the way I acted.

In the past, the way I have dealt with the guilt, was to ignore it. I have wanted to write this letter 10 years ago and have wanted to see K ever since, but sticking to my word, I resisted contacting you. I am always thinking about K, hoping to hear something about her, you, your lives, but didn’t want to break that tiny bit of trust you might have in me.

I want you to know that I am sorry for the heartaches, and trouble I have caused you. It hurts to admit such things. I am not asking for forgiveness, just thought I owed it to you to try to explain now what I couldn’t explain then. I am open to any questions you may have and would like K to know that I wish I had tried harder to be strong.

I would enjoy hearing from you and how you are doing. I think of K often. If you would like to contact me, you can through this, or though the following:





I am not asking to be a part of either of your lives (although it would be nice), but if K wants to meet me (find out about me), I could only be thrilled.
Again I apologize for the way I handled myself, and I hope you understand. Take your time.

Respectfully,

[Xdad]

ooooo, one more thing, how should I deliver it. I have several options..Through Classmates.com, Facebook, or find her address and mail it?

[paigeturner]

I would find her address and mail it. But, any method will do.

Really nice letter. Really nice.

Good luck.

[JustPeachy]

I like your amended letter. I would mail it, but send it maybe fed ex or certified, so you know for sure it was received.