[doublej986]

Hello, I joined this forum because I am faced with the decision of giving up my unborn son to adoption. His mother and I are financially unable to care for this child right now. We both have children and are both sad that we may have to come to this conclusion. I am afraid of several things...his mother dealing with this loss and how I will be able to comfort her while dealing with it myself...is it the right thing to do...will he find me later in life and resent me for giving him up....will I resent myself for not being able to care for him? I have many more but these are some of the big ones. Any help or suggestions would be helpful.

[crick]

bumping for replies...

[MichelleL11]

Doublej:

Welcome to the forum. Let me start my reply by saying I am an adoptive parent -- but I can lend my thoughts on your questions.

You are right to be concerned about the very difficult feelings that will result for your and your son't mother by placing your child. If you do decide that is the right decision taking into account the best interest of all involved, you will need to be prepared for those feelings and how you and your son's mother will deal with them. At the very least, the professional that you chose to work with (attorney or agency) will provide counseling (at the cost of the adoptive parent(s)) to help with these issues. This counseling should begin before the decision to place is made, to help you and your son's mother make clear, well-thought out choices. It should never be your responsibility alone to make these decisions or live through the feelings that result.

As for resentment, frankly, this could happen with a child that you parent. However, you can seek out an open adoption situation that would at least allow you to have a role in your child's life. This brings up a whole new set of issues that should be discussed with your counsellor -- but open adoption is a way for you to have a relationship with your child that could reduce the possibility of resentment that you are concerned about.

Bottom line, both you and your son's mother need to seek out a professional that will provide you with the unbiased guidance that you need to make your decision and move forward with whatever path you chose to take for your child. Do not work with someone who cannot provide professional, competent counseling -- it is the key to reducing the chance of making a difficult situation worse.

I do hope you can find a professional you trust that you can work with and can get the information you need to make the decision that is right for your child, you, and his mother.

I also hope other birthparents can chime in and help you with this very difficult set of choices.

[Jackiejdajda]

doublej986

Hello, I joined this forum because I am faced with the decision of giving up my unborn son to adoption. His mother and I are financially unable to care for this child right now. We both have children and are both sad that we may have to come to this conclusion.

When I relinquished my son I wanted him to have a life that I could not provide for him.
And he is okay.. I relinquished a long time ago and have met him and he was okay with me giving him up..

I am afraid of several things...his mother dealing with this loss and how I will be able to comfort her while dealing with it myself...is it the right thing to do...

Take your time… You do not have to make any decisions before the birth.. you can give the baby up after the birth after you have gone through many of the emotions you are going through.. Going to go through..
Please please do not avoid the emotions.. I avoided emotions when I relinquished (I did not see my son) and I did not ‘get right’ with myself for a long time.. To me its about grief.. we grieve the loss.. and if you have someone to grieve with so much the better.. I wish I had of been given love when I relinquished..
Soooo if you do give baby up.. take care of each other..

will he find me later in life and resent me for giving him up....will I resent myself for not being able to care for him? I have many more but these are some of the big ones. Any help or suggestions would be helpful.

Worrying about what may happen will not work.. fantasy about reunion will not help..
Open adoption is an option.. visiting the child and making sure the child is okay is an option..

Look at all your options and consider and think and watch out for the ones with agendas.. the ones that know what is best..
Pay attention to you.. and your wife..

I am so sorry you are going through this..

Jackie

[Oceans]

I am afraid of several things...his mother dealing with this loss and how I will be able to comfort her while dealing with it myself...is it the right thing to do...will he find me later in life and resent me for giving him up....will I resent myself for not being able to care for him? I have many more but these are some of the big ones.

These are very big questions and it's hard to know where to start. I would seek independent counseling and if you are looking for suggestions (on coucelors), PM Brenda Romanchick here: Adoption.com Forums - MyPage: bromanchik She may be able to direct you to someone in your area.

Also, read the birthmother support board for other experiences. It is likely you will feel something similar. Then keep asking questions.

My best advice is to look into all of your options so that you are absolutely comfortable in the decision you make. Make a parenting plan (even tho you think you can't) - make an adoption plan (so research all flavors of open and closed adoptions and decide what is right for you) - ask questions here - but get counseling in real life...

Hope that helps...