[rainmon]

Our reunion had been going great for over a year, suddenly there was silence on her part with no expalanation.....and went on for months.
We were then told she wanted space to process emotions....and it is going into the 7th month, but we were just told only a month ago just what this silence was, "Processing" as we had no clue why she had just stopped.
We had no idea why she was not communicating anymore and she just finally explained that she is in a pull-back stage of the reunion and needs some space.
she had started to read lots of reunion books and things seemed to get more complicating.
but things were going so well before, so we do not understand what the pull-back is about and she feels she owes us no explanation, and says if we push for more contact it will only widen the gap.
what gap!? where did this gap come from and why? I guess we are not allowed to know.
why do these books encourage people to retreat with no consideration to the other side? and give no explanation.
why is it they cannot not continue to acknowlege the other person while processing things ? why does the other party have to be cut off to do this? and be totally left in the dark as to whats going on.
I feel it is rude, and a bit cruel, and if they don't understand this then they should. it is not a good way to build a bridge.
as it is inflicting pain on the other and if that is not the goal... then they should know that that is exactly what is happening when a forced silence replaces communication.
I thought open communication was the best way to keep a relationship going, but how can that happen if one party has totally stopped trying and has completely backed off and reciprocates no contact?
I just don't understand how this helps anything. I feel if
the door would be left open to allow healing then things could be resolved sooner and precious time is not lost and understandings can be met.
How often will this happen? everytime they are conflicted? and is it just when they are unhappy about something in general or is it about you?
and would it not be better if she let us know what she is experiencing so we could try to understand & help in some way and not just be shut out.
so when someone gets confused,mad or hurt about something....in other areas of life it is always encouraged and best to communicate that....but with this....is it encouraged to go into a pull-back and just shut the other one out while you "process" instead of trying to work it out.!!???
It hardly seems fair. why is this different ? and why does it have to be handled differently ?
It does not seem very respectful to the other persons that have been asked to be in this reunion with you, to just shut the door when something goes wrong somewhere and with no expanation.
I wish someone would explained why this pull-back or shutting of the door is encouraged.
How does it help an ongoing developing and previously nicely progressing Reunion?
and if and when the pull-back is over, will there be an explanation of it, or will we need to walk on egg shells in fear of doing something wrong so it does not happen again and are we to just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing happened in order for the relationship to continue on their terms? I am not sure that a relationship such as this is a healthy one. so why is it being encouraged?

[Rylee45]

I sure wish I could help you. I know that it's hard because I've been through it in the beginning of my reuinon with my daughter. We had a lot of great times together and all that and yet she'd not call or write for a few months and I'd be worried that she was dead or something.

When she'd finally get hold of me she'd tell me that she'd been sick or extremely busy and was sorry for taking so long. I would always worry that she was hurt or something. I just didn't understand the space of time between conversations.

It was not always that way. Now we dont' talk at all because of her amom's threats of taking her out of her will if she contacted me again. So at least I understand why she's not contacting me. But it doesn't make it any easier not to be contacted.

I've been hurting for so long over this and missing her for so long. I know you are hurting too and I wish I could help you get past that.

I hope things work out for you and you find out what happened. Maybe she's having issues at home with her amom. Or something else is going on in that area and she can't talk.

My daughter's amom convinced her that I was trying to make up for lost time by "monopolizing" her time with me and "taking her away from her" (the amom) and that wasn't "right". It hindered a lot for awhile but my daughter kept contact anyway until the will threat. Her amom is filthy rich and buys her way out of things and gets her way whenever she wants it because she's got so much money.

So, maybe something like that is going on there and she cant' talk about it in fear of upsetting her aparents or something. The threat with my daughter's amom didn't come for 5 years.

I wish you the best and hope things calm down. I truly do.

Rylee

[rainmon]

Hello Rylee thank-you for your suportive words....and I agree with you on even tho yours has pulled back at least you know why? with us ...we have no idea if it is something we said or did, or if she is just testing us. or punishing us or what ???
Her adopted parents are no longer living....so it is not about that. if it were we could handle that . its just that knowing, and her not even allowing us to know why that is the thing that makes "me" at least so confused....as I don't know whether to feel sad or mad or worried or what ? so I end up feeling all of those feelings in turn .........and its soooo very draining and soooo exhausting.and I'm sure it's not good for my health.
I try to stay busy... sometimes its just so frustrating that she is doing this, I just want to call her and say " What are you doing !?! Why are you doing this !?!
but in the adoption rule books....that is a no-no.
we are not to ask why.

[keds]

Hi Rainmon/Rylee, I too don't know why the books encourage the timeouts. Today I learned a hard lesson. I thought my bson was to call me and he thought I was to call him. Needless to say I am now sitting in a very expensive hotel room by myself as it is too late to get together. AAAGH! I think communication is key to everything so I don't get the "pullback" but know I will experience it very soon. I suppose my answer will be to just keep sending cards (I think phoning/texting might be too intrusive). Sorry, no ideas but wanted to give you my support. All the best!

[kune]

keds
I hope there is a tomorrow meeting then and the "expensive hotel" is not in vain.

I totally agree with you - communicating is everything. Why do we do it - why do we hesitate from dialling the number?

Ann

[keds]

Hi Ann! I checked out of the hotel yesterday morning and decided to spend the night with friends of my husband instead. Of course, an hour later my bson called and said he had an old friend drop in yesterday and he couldn't get away. He asked if we could get together last night (after dinner, as I knew he had plans that he couldn't break). In all fairness I wasn't supposed to stick around this weekend but a friend's wife was travelling with their 3 young kids back to my hometown via train this morning so I volunteered to help her (good thing as it was a long ride). I told him that just because I was in town didn't mean he had to see me - to which he said he always had time (so nice).

Anyway, I met him around 7:30 and felt quite bad as I got back to their house very late (around 11:30). My bson drove me back to their place, as I didn't have a car. I was a little concerned that they might ask who he was but I figured if they asked, I'd tell them - NO MORE LIES! They were asleep so I didn't have to deal with it. I find it so difficult saying goodbye to him but I'm almost over the worries that I won't hear from him again - not sure if, or when, that will ever go away! All the best!

[kune]

Keds

.....I don't get the "pullback" but know I will experience it very soon.

Why do you think pullback is inevitable. You've made the connection and chances are it is just as important to your bson as it is for you.

(I think phoning/texting might be too intrusive).

It's the "I think" in reunion that makes things hard. Ask him if he would find a text or call every now and again instrusive. That way you know for sure...one way or the other.

I told him that just because I was in town didn't mean he had to see me - to which he said he always had time (so nice).

Believe what he says...He's told you.....he will always have time for you.

I'm almost over the worries that I won't hear from him again - not sure if, or when, that will ever go away!

Keds, I'd put money on your son feeling exactly the same way. We (birthmothers and adoptees) have this fear of being abandoned by our loved ones. Guys just don't show their feelings like us. They work on facts and he's there for you now and participating..because he wants to. I don't think that will ever change.

You need positive thoughts. To believe that what you are trying to achieve is very achievable and both of you are working on a relationship that will endure.

Watch your thoughts they become words, watch your words they become actions, watch your actions they become habits, watch your habits they become your character, watch your character it becomes your destiny.

Don't doubt his sincerity, his motives, and his committment. Just love him for who he is, what you are sharing and enjoy the reunion. You need to trust that he feels a connection and is happy to have you in his life. If you can achieve that you will find this whole journey so much more enjoyable. (Read my signature - it's worth using it as a personal mantra)

((Hugs)) Ann

[kakuehl]

I have to admit that over the last two years as I've read and participated in these threads, I've wondered when the pull-back is going to happen in my reunion. I've come to the conclusion it's not going to happen; that it's not mandatory!

For those of you who are in the midst of a pull-back, I would suggest an occasional note, email, etc. that simply says "I'm thinking of you." "I'm here." I've thought that if D chose to break off contact that I could at least rejoice in the time we have had and that I know a lot more about him than I did for the first 33 years of his life. That's more than I was ever promised.

I'm sure my words don't help your pain. Do come here often for support.

[kune]

rainmom

I wish someone would explained why this pull-back or shutting of the door is encouraged.

I don't think it's encouraged. I believe it is something some people need to do so they can do some personal healing. I have to say I have never had to ask for time-out ......but I do understand that some birthmothers - possibly yours - carried around a whole lot of personal baggage for years - instead of dealing with it after placement. Maybe your bmom realises that she needs to deal with the pity, shame and anger before she can really commit to a wholesome relationship with you. If so, I doubt she is shutting you out deliberately, but instead doesn't want you to take on any of her suffering. And, she probably did appear really happy before, but knew her emotional state would not be healthy for you or the reuinion. I think shame is a huge component of early reunion problems. Bmom's want to talk about their child but to do so, they need to put their shameful act of giving away a child out there for all to see. It's a biggie - especially if she hadn't shared it with all her family.

Reunion is not about one person - you or her. It's about the two of coming together in a healthy and healing way and forming a relationship with each other that will both endure and sustain you. To do that both parties need to be physically, emotionally and spiritually ready to trust the other.

Allow her time rainmom - it will be a more honest reunion when / if she can sort through her head and heart. I'd suggest a note or two letting her know you are there when she is ready.

I appreciate how hard this is for you. Silence is deafening and that early momentum leaves a big blank space. There's nothing to define what has happened or what is to follow..... but it is not an end. To me it's a good beginning.

Regards
Ann

[keds]

Rainmon, Ann is correct about bmom's reaction. I am having a very difficult time with my feelings, mostly about guilt, shame and what I "think" my bson feels about me - very dangerous territory and the logic side of me says believe him when he says he's ok but the emotional side says he's just protecting both of us. I have wanted to pull back but haven't done so as I know it will be difficult for him and me. Instead, I think the physical distance between us geographically has allowed me the time and space to work on my issues while at the same time keeping our visits. I have benefitted tremendously from the advice of those who have gone through the process and I think that the warnings about "pullbacks" are just that - be ready for them and whether they occur or not they are a reality. As much as I hate it, time really is what is needed to build a strong, lasting relationship. Hang in there, we're all finding our own way but it's much easier together.

[rainmon]

I guess what seems so strange about this pullback to me is that she pleaded with us to stay in contact and that her b-mother had hurt her over the years so badly by not staying in contact and not including her in to her life, so she said she did not think her heart could take any more rejection. so we have tried so very hard to make her always feel loved and wanted, so then............she closes the door with no warning......
no explanation what so ever.

[Found at last]

Rainmon,

My daughter found me in 2003. After two months of reunion, she pulled back and we haven't heard from her since. When I realized that she had pulled back, I was so hurt. I can see why many birth parents don't want the pain of reunion coming to their doorstep.

Found

[kakuehl]

Rainmon,

Sometimes I think adoptees have to progress through the stages they would have if you had raised them. She begged to to stay in touch and now has run herself; is there a part of her that is testing you to see if you will give up on her? (Like a young child testing a parent.) Sometimes "issues" from the past rear their ugly heads and overwhelm people. Just being in reunion can bring up old fears and emotional pain. Try to remember that the pullbacks are not about you, but about their emotions, stress, etc. When you express your pain to them try to use "I" messages. (I'm really hurt when....; I feel angry, sacred, etc. when...)

[rainmon]

thank-you kathy for those insights of her "running"....I have thought of that too, that maybe she is so afraid we will reject her in some way that she just got scared & ran and therby sabotaging the very thing she wants. this pull back thing IS very confusing as I have also wondered if she is testing us..... but I have also gotten angry and thought she was playing hurtful games and that makes us want to step back, as it hurts us and now we just don't want to set ourselves up for more of the same hurtful situations. so we have left her alone for the most part as this is what she has asked.
but if she is testing us...or simply playing games to hurt us or punish us for one thing or another when she did not get her way, instead of communicating she chooses" the Pullback"as a way of dealing with problems and I personally don't believe in it except for extreme cases where communication has been tryed and deemed impossibe for one reason or another....and it should be used only as a last resort. but simply to up and stop communicating for simple little things with out even attempting to work things out is not a good way to start a reunion.
So if she is just trying to hurt us....
then it is a very dangerous game she plays.... as she may end losing the very thing she wanted .....altogether.

[JPDakota]

I am by no means an expert on this topic. I think sometimes adoptees have this idea in their heads about what they think making contact with birth parents will do for them, and when it doesn't they don't know what to do. I don't know really, except through my brother. He was incredibly disappointed, withdrew entirely and never looked back. I felt bad for everyone involved.