[paige20ae]

I was adopted from birth and have always known about it. When I turned 18 (2 years ago) my parents (adoptive) agreed to let me contact my birth mother, whom they had kept in contact with. She's married now with a son, and we contact each other every once in a while, on holidays, birthdays, etc.
She was 17 when she had me, and her boyfriend was 27 at the time. He got drunk one night when she was pregnant with me and tried to abort (me) her baby. She broke up with and later told him she had had an abortion. About a year after I was born she ran into him and told him the truth. From what she says, he was pretty understanding and gave her some medical information if I ever needed it, and that was it.
I did some snooping around when I was a teenager and found out my "bfather's" name and that he is in prison for murder and tampering with evidence (he smoked the guys' drugs). From inmate records I found out that he is in for another 60 years (he's now 47), so pretty much life.

My question: Should I try to make contact with him? I'll admit, he doesn't sound like the best guy-but he has been in prison for a few years and will be there for many more. I have an excellent relationship with my parents now, but I am still curious. Obviously my expectations of him aren't very high considering what I have already found out.

Any advice? And how do you think he would feel about me contacting him?

[Rylee45]

Wow, I don't know how to answer this question for you but if you want to meet him even just to know who he is, then I'd go for it if I were you.

As you said, you obvisouly don't have any high expectations about him. However you might want to brace yourself for not getting a warm reception. He may not be very nice to you and you may have your feelings hurt.

If you're prepared for that and still want to meet him. Go for it. I wish you luck in this endevour.

Rylee

[rainmon]

if his parents are alive I would contact them, but not him without first talking to someone in his family that could advise you on whether to or not. people in jail can be very manipulative. (money, favors etc...)
would you really want that on your shoulders?

[bprice215]

no one can blame you for that. Be prepaired for what you may find for you may not like it. But by all means go for it. Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

bprice215

[echox]

Just wondering if you had gone through with it? I don't know what I'd do in your position. I have not even considered looking for my biological father. The info I have indcates he didn't want any part of my bmoms pregancy or me. If we were to meet I can pretty much bet I would be charged with assault. Good luck, there are ppl here that can relate to the inner turmoil you are going through

[Xdad]

I can only say that many are put into prison for skoking someones drugs, that dosn't mean that they are bad people, just have some issues sometimes. Id suggest making contact, 60 years is a long time for a mistake, that was more poor judjement rather than delibratly hurting someone. Maybe you give him a reason to live?

[rainmon]

xdad...unless I'm wrong...it sounded to me like the
b-dad is in for murder also. but I could be wrong.....

[Janeytwo]

Dear Paige,

I was in here actually to post a question to bdads which I'm still forumlating but thought I'd reply to your post.

You have every right, IMO, to go and see your bdad if for no other reason than to lay some of your curiosities to rest. I mean, why should you have to spend the rest of your life wondering about him, right?

Perhaps first though you may want to correspond by mail for a time....see how he reacts to that first and then take it from there. That way, you have the safety of distance and more control over what you would like to do. Also, you can perhaps get a feel for him by doing this. I have noticed myself even in the short months I've been in the forum that as people write - over time they're personalities begin to emerge. After writing to him for a bit, you will more than likely get a better bead on who he is and if you want to take it further. Also, if he doesn't respond to your letters, then you'll have your answer on whether he's interested or not.

I would also kindly suggest that if you decide to visit him in prison (jail is an entirely different thing) you take time to prepare yourself emotionally.

It's not just the kind of reception you may get from your bdad if you choose to visit (though no one can rightly predict how he may be. He may be fine - he may not.)

Visiting prisons can be quite a harrowing experience - being patted down, searched, etc. Plus the surroundings themselves. It can mess with your head.

Anyway, I wish you luck on your decision. Either way it turns out - if you decide to visit him or not - kudos to you for being strong enough to talk about it here.

Wishing you a great day! :-)

Janey

[Xdad]

ooops.... I somehow missed that. Yikes? Regardless, I think the wondering will end after a meeting. On the other hand, my dad is in prison, and I have no desire to visit...the difference, I already know him.

[JohnathanJ]

Originally Posted by rainmon

xdad...unless I'm wrong...it sounded to me like the
b-dad is in for murder also. but I could be wrong.....

Neither murder nor drug use necessarily make you a bad person. Paige: i cant say what you should do, but i can tell you how id feel if i was in your birth fathers place, and if i were him it would mean the world to me if my daughter who id never met were to want a relationship with me, especially if i were in prison.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Johnathan J.

You wrote:

Neither murder nor drug use necessarily make you a bad person.

I've known 4 murderers in my life; two of them quite well; two of them just by chance.

Anyway of the two I knew personally, both stabbed people to death. One stabbed his wife in a cocaine rage. Would he have done so if he'd been sober? Shrug. Hard to say; he was pretty crazy but I think the drugs pushed him over the edge. He's doing the "Michigan death sentence" now...life without parole. And you know it's odd. I mean what he did was horrendous and he needed to pay but I can't say he was an unlikeable person. Actually, it was the opposite. He was extremely brave and loyal; his friends adored him. And I'd like to think if he'd been raised by someone else and in a different side of town, he would've been just a regular guy, ya know? I've always believed poverty is half the problem with violence.

The other guy though? He tied an old man to a board and stabbed him to death 30 times. THAT guy is also in a Federal Penitentiary - which is EXACTLY where he needs to be. He had all the priviledges, he was from my cousin's neighborhood which is a nice bedroom community. His family doted on him, yet he was scum through-and-through. Nasty piece of work. You know the kind of person who walks in a room and you can just feel the evil coming off of him? That kind of person.

I dunno. Is it the way people are raised or is it who they are intrinsically that shapes what they'll do?

Somehow I suspect we'll never really know the answer to that.

Wishing you a great day!