[srmoxeq]

Hi,

I'm an adoptee who I going to get to speak to my birthfather via phone (initial contact) after Nov 1st.

What do I say after hello?

This is......?

I'm sure what to say.

Thanks,

Lilli Ana
12/18/63 (New Orleans, LA)
b-mthr found and refuses contact
b-fthr found and have yet to make initial contact

[keds]

Hi Lilli Ana, welcome! I'm not sure how to tell you to proceed as it is daunting task. My bson called and just said it was "his name" and after that I think I said I was so happy he called (as I was). Mind you, we had been corresponding by letters first so I had some idea about him and had lots of questions ready to be asked. Is this your initial contact or have you written before? I would recommend it as a call out of the blue could send him for a loop. I think the only advice I can give you is relax, breathe and be yourself. Don't try and "say the right things" as I know from experience that it doesn't ring true. I'll think a bit about this and come back. Take care and thanks for asking - I think it shows that you care about his feelings and that's always a good thing.

[srmoxeq]

Thanks "keds".

I do care about his feelings. An intermediary already spoke with him via phone a week and a half ago. He's travelling and away from home until Nov1st. He asked that I call him after that and keep trying until I reach him. So he is expecting my call.

The experience of rejection I had with my birthmother makes me a bit uneasy about this situation. Although, I learned that my b-fthr is also adopted so perhaps he has a greater understanding of an adoptees desire to make connection with biological history.

Here's a funny thing...did you catch the "typo" in my original email? Instead of typing I'm _not_ sure what to say, I typed: "I'm sure what to say!"

hmmm... chuckle.... I think I should trust my self, breathe and like you suggest just be myself.

Thanks for responding!

Lilli Ana

[keds]

Lillia Ana - I feel badly as I didn't pick up on the typo! Tells you how we all assume what others feel. It's great that he has asked you to call. I'm not sure of the affect of him being adopted but it makes sense that he would be more senstiive. Again, only advice, take care of you, and relax. It's hard but if you are open to a relationship and up front then I can't see how anyone could turn you away. The world is a hard place and I'm grateful for all my friends. Keep my informed and I only wish I had "words of wisdom" for you. I am sorry about your bmom but being one, she is probably working through a lot of emotions that she had put in a small jar and didn't deal with - my experience. The difference, I hoped that my son (I usually use bson but I truly hate that term!) would look for me and I am so grateful he did. I am the one nervous about his response as he had a great life and not sure where I fit in - we can be nervous together! Take care and let me know how things go - I'll be thinking of you on the 2nd! (((hugs)))

[Mil]

When my birthson called me for the first time (I knew he was going to call) he confirmed who he was talking to and then said 'hi, this is your son'. I was surprised he put it that way, lol, I did know his name by then. But he said he had always dreamed of saying that! There were a few awkward moments in the conversation, but have some questions written down or things you want to talk about in front of you so that you don't forget them in the emotion of the moment. It's a conversation that you'll always remember, just like your first meeting. My son and I both remember our different 'firsts' very well. Our first holiday together, his first birthday that we shared, the first time I met my grandsons, the first time he met his brother and sister, things like that. They're permanently etched in both of our memories. And those memories don't fade, lol.

I'm sorry your birthmother refused contact. I'm glad your birthfather seems open to contact - I hope all goes well for you! Take a deep breath and hop on the rollercoaster! It's quite a ride!