[kyle969]

Skipping the long story....

An ex moved out-of-town and avoided contact with anyone after a 4 month affair, over the years I realized that she was probably pregnant and didn't tell me (I was 16, she was 24). I looked her up a few years later and she didn't have any kids, she wouldn't have had an abortion because of her strict Catholic upbringing, so I am assuming she would have given the child to adoption. I contacted her recently and confronted her on it and she denied becoming pregnant, though I could tell she was lying.

I started a search anyway with what little information I had and actually got a match! I am waiting on the paternity test results but the girl I found looks exactly like the bmom and resembles me some. Additionally, details about the adoption match(it was closed) like physical description, medical history, circumstances, and the bMom's first name.

My question is, um, I'm not really sure what my question should be?
What rights does a bFather that wasn't informed of the birth have? Should I have any?
I didn't consent to the adoption, but then again I was a minor.
As far as what I am going to do I am leaving that completely up to the child (21 now). The biggest thing I guess is that I wanted to know she was ok, raised by a good family, and the birth records didn't say her bMom was raped or anything that would make her think I was a criminal or a dead beat.

emotionally kinda lost
Kyle

[sstuart]

Wow! I don't know what to say.

I am a bmom and I did not tell the bfather while I was pregnant. I did tell him after the adoption was complete. Unfortunately, the agency said that it would be best if I did NOT inform the father!! But after I couldn't stand it and told him anyway, but the adoption was already complete.

I feel for you. I hope that the paternity test sheds some light on this for you. I can't imagine keeping that secret, but maybe the bmom told Noone, so she is afraid. Many bmoms are driven by fear and guilt.

If your DD is 21 she is now an adult. If she is your DD you have the right to get to know her. You can't expect to try to be her father, but maybe you could be friends and build a lasting relationship. That is what I am hoping for in my reunion.

good Luck and let us know how it turns out.

[kyle969]

I can't believe they would say not to tell the father. Can a father give up a baby without telling the mother?
I'm sure she wouldn't have told anyone, she would have been afraid because of my age. The statute of limitations has passed so she is safe now though.
I don't expect to be a father to her. I would like to be a part of her life though, at least as a friend. And I have 2 other daughters she could be a big-sister to, but again thats totally up to her.

kyle

[Nicole28]

This interests me because, according to my non-ID info, my biological father was never informed that he fathered a child, let alone that the baby was relinquished for adoption. This is a source of much frustration, anger, and sadness for me.

I have never really considered whether or not my biological father ever suspected that he fathered a child and I also never considered the possibility of him searching.

As far as I know, a woman does not need the consent of the biological father if she wants to relinquish. This must be true because my biological father was not at all involved in the paperwork or relinquishment. If that is the case, then I don't know what would happen in your case - when you suspect that you fathered a child but the woman involved denies it or refused to provide information. I'm assuming that the man would have no rights to that information since there are so many elements put forth in an effort to protect the privacy of the biological woman.

In response to your question regarding a father giving up a baby without the consent of the mother, I'd imagine that this is impossible - since the woman does, in fact, actually give birth. The father could probably assume custody, though, in the event that the mother does not want the child.

Just wondering - where did you search and find this "match," and how are you getting a paternity test done?

[aspenhall]

It happens because you can put "unknown" on the birth cert in regards to a father, but not a mother...

I would send an introductory letter explaining your version of the story and ask her questions about herself that you wanted to know. What does she like? what are her plans for her future...etc...

Congratulations...

I don't believe the dad on my dd's OBC is correct...and I wonder if this other guy even knows he has a bdaughter...I plan on finding him once my dd is older (as I believe the bio cert dad and the potential bdad BOTH wouldn't be a positive influence on her)

Lots of sexual predators in all 3 families, mental illness, mafia connections etc... I'd just rather wait until she's more of an adult that could take care of herself if she had to....

But I really am hoping and praying they'll be decent people when she's older.

[sstuart]

Because I did not have an adoption plan prior to my DD's birth, if they had notified the bfather,it would have delayed and possibly prevented the adoption. I believe that it still happens today. I believe that someone who just placed about a year and 1/2 ago was told not to identify the bfather. I think it is a horrible thing that I did, I don't think it would have changed things--but it wasn't fair to him. I am sure that there are those who do not know who the father is, but that was not so in my case.
I am curious how you found DD as well.

[browneyes0707]

I'm not sure about 21 years ago, but when I placed 16 years ago there had to be some attempt to contact the birthfather in order to account for his rights. When I made an adoption plan my DD's father did not know (he knew I was pg, but did not know that I backed out of an abortion and decided on adoption) and I was told either I could do it or the state could try, but it had to be done. (I also told the SW that I knew who the father was, I saw no reason to lie) I never wanted to keep it from him, but we weren't speaking anymore, and he had not been supportive of me in the beginning. I planned to tell him once it was over tho. I did tell him 2 months before I gave birth.

I also went the private adoption route, so there was no agency to persuade me otherwise. I'm sure it still happens, tho with punative father registries and such, I'd imagine it happens less often now, but I could be wrong.

Interestingly enough, I wanted his name on the OBC, and the nurse wouldn't let me put it on because he was not there to sign it. (He was in college in another state and could not be present for the birth) She was quite rude if I remember, even after I told her why he was not there, she gave me a look like "yeah, OK" and repeated if he isn't coming to the hospital, he cant be on it. So a blank father on an OBC doesn't always mean that the father is unnamed or unknown.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I don't know what to say. I would imagine that legally you have no rights as the child is an adult herself ( you can't "reverse" or overturn the adoption) but I hope for both your sakes that you can have a relationship.

Good luck!

[quantum]

I did not want my childs birthfather to be involved at all, he barely was at conception and we'd broken up and gone our separate ways (and to separate states) when I realised I was pregnant. I wasn't going to give his name (didn't really want to bother him) but was told that my son would spend longer time in foster care if he didn't sign.
So he was informed, he was encouraged by his parents to deny paternity (they thought I was after money).

I am so thrilled to see a birthdad here! Good luck with everything and keep us informed,ok?

[kyle969]

I understand the mother has more rights here because she has more invested, it just seems wrong.

We made the connection using Adoption Registry Connect, she was browsing and found my post. I used homeDNA.com paternity test, $99 for the test, about $20 for shipping, and everything was done at home via mail (yes, it is accurate, no this version is not admissable in court)

Kyle

[quantum]

Kyle, have you gotten a for sure result yet?

It's funny (peculiar funny not haha funny), but when I was 17/18 I just really didn't think so much about the birthfather's rights! Now I have a different perspective and really wish I'd kept everything I had about my son's birthdad so I could share with him and also see if we could make contact.
Hindsight is 20/20, right?