[shadow riderer]

Rainmon, with my Bsis, it is kind of hard to say. We haven't really had a lot of communication over the past year an a half. In what few emails we have exchanged, she has said she feels a connection, wants to get to know me, always wanted a sister, and wants to talk to me on the phone. However, she has never asked for pictures, never really asked any questions about me, never really talked with our dad about me, never called, or asked me to call her. I'm kind of under the impression that a relationship with me isn't one of her priorities at the moment. I'm cool with that, but you are right about the fact that a person can just take sooo much rejection before you say enough. The question is: where is the line of enough
Have fun on your trip and good luck with everything. I really admire you for all you are doing to help your husband and BD. Your perspective on all of this has helped me as well. Some of my Bcousins, on Bdad's side, do that photo thing Cathy mentioned, and send it to me. I love it. I can look when I want and save it for another time if I'm feeling out of sorts. Again, good luck on the trip.

[tlee70]

Hi there everyone!
I know I haven't posted inawhile, but I wanted to let you all know..I'm still reading lol..when I have time!
I just want to wish everyone good times over the christmas holidays. I know these are not always easy times. I know for myself, I feel sadness that I don't have a closer relationship with bparents, but then reality steps in and tells me....don't reach out...you may get hurt again. So...life goes on. I do nothing, as I have for the past few years. It may not be the greatest answer, but it's the only thing I feel I can do. I'm also going to get the Primal wound and read it..maybe it will bring some healing, despite my reunions. Should I send my bparents a copy? lol
tlee

[tlee70]

HI all
So, I have a question? I just spoke with bdad...he wants to come down for a visit before christmas.....
I am so torn! I have seen him twice this year..once he stopped in for my son's bday..and once at my sister's wedding. I just feel...what's the point??? He apologized for not much time together this year...new job etc etc..but it's always this way...now I"m in a quandry. Any suggestions? Part of me would love to see him..but the other part of me thinks..this is just his token visit. I keep revisiting my daughter's questions in the summer...mommy why don't we see papa?? can we go to his house?? ...
I just wish I could talk to him about how I feel, but the last time I did that it blew up in my face...I will not be hurt again or made to feel vulnerable.
Help?

[kune]

tlee
He wants to come!!!! Doesn't that mean anything to you? To me it means you and the kids are important to him - he wants to catch up during this "family" Christmas Time. He has even apologised for not having enough time with you. Honestly girl.......you are being offered that which many other's would give their eye teeth for and you are considering it a "token visit"??? It will be important for your kids too (as they ask why they don't see Pappa....this Christmas they will).

Maybe I've missed some back post....or am not reading your post correctly, but I know, if our roles were reversed and I was the one expecting a visit, I would be in 7th heaven. Once or twice a year is OK - if that is all that can be fitted in to work, life etc etc. Enjoy what you have and give the bitterness from past errors behind you. Make a good future for you and your kids and your bdad.

My thoughts only tlee - Sometimes we don't appreciate what we are being offered.
Ann

[rainmon]

Yes tlee, I agree with Kune, there are a lot of families that see each other much less then that because they live so far from each other.......also have you made the effort to fill in the gaps and go see him some too. like Kune says most would be floating on cloud nine to hear that news.
your seeing your glass half empty....
when it is really half full.

[shadow riderer]

Oh, Tlee, as much as I understand exactly how you feel, I have to agree with the others. He is "coming" to you. He doesn't have to do that at all. Even if his reasoning is to ease his guilt or, as you called it, a token visit, it is still an effort, and one he doesn't have to put out.

You mentioned earlier in this thread that you felt like you would never be the daughter to him that your Bsis is. I know that feeling, and I know that pain. As hard as it may be to hear this, it is true for both of us. Our BDads will not see us in the same way they see the daughters they raised. How could they? They didn't see our first steps. they didn't teach us to drive acar. They didn't meet our first boyfriend at the door and see us off on our first date. They weren't there to walk us down the isle on our wedding day. I can't speak for your Bdad, but I know that my Bdad has a lot of guilt, pain, and emotions pertaining to all that, though, it's something he really isn't comfortable talking about. The truth is that he would prefer not to discuss it at all. I think on the inside, though he trys to hide it, it really eats at him, and it's hard for him. No, we may not be the daughters to them our Bsisters are, but that doesn't mean they don't care about us just as much. It doesn't mean we can't have just as meaningful a relationship. Our Bsister had all their lives to build that relationship with them. We've only had a few years.

I know your Bdad has done and said things that have hurt you. My Bdad has said a lot of those stupid things too. In the beginning of our reunion, he would say to people, "Hey, this is the best way to have a kid. Get them after they are already grown, and you have missed all the problems." Hearing that was like a knife in my heart, but I never said anything to him. I know he wasn't saying that to hurt me, or intentionally be insensitive. I think he said that and a few other stupid things because of his own guilt and pain. It was kind of his way of coping with that guilt and pain. Make a joke to hide his true feelings. I think it's a guy thing. He really stinks when it comes to discussing "feelings". lol Just doesn't like it at all, especially if it's about something he feels responsible for. He shuts down emotionally when pushed to "talk".

You and I have done a lot of reading and such to try to understand the pain and guilt of our Bmoms. What about the pain and guilt of our Bdads? I know they don't show it like our Bmoms, but maybe they feel it just the same? If our Bmoms can't deal with our pain, what makes us think our Bdads can? Maybe it's time to step back and re-evaluate some things? You already know your Bdad isn't an "emotional" guy. That's who he is. What if, you let him come visit, and let go of the emotions for this visit? Just leave it be for the moment and enjoy a visit with your Dad. Not as adoptee and biological Dad, but just as people, who want to spend some time together? Ssort of just a back up to start again? Maybe just a little cautious for now, until things feel a little safer?

Only you can decide what is best for you, but just think about it. Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[tlee70]

ohhh..I just typed a response and lost it !!!
I don't have time to retype my thoughts..but I appreciate all the replies.
Will try and post back soon
tlee