[shadow riderer]

Rainmon, my Bdad did come. I left the decision of his bringing her, not bringing her, coming, not coming completely up to him, and we didn't talk much the week before he came. Apparently, things had really gotten bad between the two of them. Her abuse and behavior had gotten so out of hand that she really left him no choice but to come alone, or not at all.It was touch and go right up until he left for the airport. He did come alone, but he left a day earlier than originally planned, which turned out to be a good thing, I guess.

There was a lot of tension between us when he arrived. We had a lot of things to work out and talk about. I think we both knew that visit was a determining factor in the future of our relationship. My husband, bless him, conveniently had "things to do" that kept him out so my bdad and I could talk. Over all, I think we did fairly well. We were very aware of keeping our conversations under control, and when things headed in a direction that had the potential to get out of hand, one of us would stop it with a comment like, "let's not go there." or "We need to change the subject.", or something like that. We both understood the necessity for doing so. Long story short, it wasn't the fun visit I would have liked, but it was a beneficial one. WE both went away with this sort of half unspoken understanding that we both had some things to face and deal with for this to work.

Things between he and his wife have gone from bad to worse since our visit. It gets even more complicated from here. I think my bdad finally realizes that, before he can have the life he wants, and the kind of relationships with his family, not just me, that he wants, he has to deal with the issues and reality of his marriage and his wife. For now, our relationship sort of has to be on hold until he decides on what he wants to do and deals with things one way or the other. I understand that and I think he finally does too.

We still talk several times a week. We are both determined to make this work. For now, it's in both of our best interest to avoid subjects that might get too emotional. That takes a lot of understanding, patience, and self-control at times. At the moment, I guess you could say that we are in a type of pull back stage, but without the lack of contact. I'm not sure where we are going from here. I don't think my bdad, though there is no question in his mind that, "I'm not giving you up.", knows either, not really, but, for now, I think we both understand it's time to back up and regroup. Frankly, it's sort of a relief at the moment.

My bdad calls me from work every day. It's the only time we can talk because of his wife. There are days when I'm a little emotional and I wish he wouldn't call me. I just don't want to talk to him, because I don't want to deal with the emotions talking brings up. Then the phone rings, and I hear his voice. I get that anxious feeling that I hate, but you know, no matter how our conversations go, I'm glad he calls. I feel even worse when he doesn't call, and, crazy as this will sound, sometimes, even though I feel bad if he doesn't call, I'm releaved just the same. It's just a very fine line we walk.

Thank you for asking. I wish I had an answer for your husband and his daughter. I think you are right, in that, it is important to keep the lines of communication open. Your husband is right too. It takes two to communicate. I am learning through my situation with my Bdad just how important it is to set boundaries, even at the risk of losing my relationship with him. I can't really explain it, but I figure if I don't set those boundaries, I've lost too. I hope that makes sense.

I had to accept that my "daddy" couldn't just "fix" things. I've also had to take the lead in the "honest and open" communication with my Bdad. It was a concept he wasn't used to and had never tried before. He's learning and getting better about it. I also had to work on my own communication skills. You just can't talk to a man the way you can a woman, not meaning you can't be honest about your feelings, just that sometimes you have to say it in a different way. I hope that makes sense. I'm also learning that timing and emotional state of mind plays a big roll in our communications. It's sort of like choosing your battles. Sometimes backing off is the best thing to do until a better time comes along.

I don't know if any of this will help, but good luck to all of you.

[shadow riderer]

Tlee, Oh, how I can relate. My Bmom and I don't have much communication. She called a couple of weeks ago. It was the first time Ihad heard from her since may. Her reason for calling in May was to pump me for info on my Bsis, who was mad at her at the time. When I heard her voice, I just immediately shut down. I just had nothing to say to her. I think she sensed something, so the conversation ended very quicly, but it was pleasant. They usually are. We've never been able to "open" up to each other. She does the same things to me that your Bmom does. She says she will call and doesn't, or says we will go do something and never calls back, etc. She and my Bsis are very close, except when they have a disagreement. I have a pretty good relationship with Bsis, but I'm definitely the "big sister". She's 10 years younger than me. The age difference and her maturity level makes a huge difference, but we get on like sisters. I'm also close to my Bmom's sister, but I understand what you are saying about not "feeling" like you have a family.

One of my younger cousins, on bmom's side, was introducing her new boyfriend and future husband to the family. She introduced my Bsis and Bbro, and told him Bmom was their mother. Next, she introduced two of my cousins, noting they were aunt's children. When she introduced me, I was just Shadow Rider. I can't explain how I felt. I wanted to say, "Uhm, yeah, I just showed up on the front porch one day and they took me in.", but I didn't. It's like you are part of the family but no one wants to claim you. I have to admit, time has not made those unintentional things hurt any less.

Bdad's family is stil adjusting. They just aren't quite sure what to do just yet, but it's the same for me as it is for you. I'm Bdad's daughter. I even had to explain to my Bdad the difference in the way he looked at "his" daughter, and the way they looked at his daughter. I adore my Bdad for just "accepting" me as his daughter like he had raised me. Having to explain why his family, though they accepted me into the family, didn't think of me as"his" daughter in the same way they looked at Bsis as "his" daughter. was not an easy task. Explaining to him that it was going to take some time for people to adjust, and that not everyone was going to be quite as "open-minded" about the situation as he was, and he would need to give them time to let it sink in, was an interesting task. His family was all very nice, but that uncomfortable, awkward, we're not really sure about this, feeling was definitely there. I have an uncle and aunt and a few cousins that I'm beginning to build a relationship with, but time will tell, and I think that it will always feel a little uncomfortable and sad for me. I'm not really looking forward to family get togethers such as weddings etc., for the same reasons you have described. I will also probably swallow my emotions and get through with a smile, then go home and cry. for the loss.

My bsis, on Bdad's side, says she wants a relationship, but has yet to put any effort into building one. I sent her an email to wish hher happy birthday, but I'm putting her on the back burner for now. I've got enough to deal with. Honestly, I'm kind of done with her for now, but again not closing the door. I just feel like if she wants a relationship, she needs to reach out too.

I know what you mean. No matter how much time goes by, the disappointmetns still hurt. It all still hurts. Sometimes it's worse than others. The hardest thing for me is remembering that "I" still have a life, whether my bfamily is in it or not. As far as my Afamily, I have my Amom and abro. We aren't exactly close, but we're good. My adad died several years ago. The rest of the afamily I keep at a distance for my own personal reasons, so I know what you mean there as well.

It takes a lot of effort and focus sometimes to remind myself that, with or without, certain people in my life, I still have people who love and care about me. I still have a pretty good life. It's just really hard to put all this adoption/reunion stuff away and focus on the fact that I still have a life out side of all this and people, who love and care about me. You are right. Somdays it easier than others.

[shadow riderer]

I'm leaving on vacation, but I'll check back in when I return if anyone wants to talk more. Good luck to everyone.

[kune]

shadow riderer and other posters
Firstly you need to "Love Yourself". Like who you are and know you have value. Then you make attachments to family and friends, but these attachments need to be reciprocal. I know the want is there to engage with "birthfamily" but it's not something anyone can change or make happen. We can only change ourselves - and if this means being independent and on the peripheral......then that's where you need to be.

Know that you are valued by those who love you and will be there for you, and put all your energy into retaining the relationships. Perhaps it will give you focus......

The hardest thing for me is remembering that "I" still have a life, whether my bfamily is in it or not.

You know where your bfamily is (and visa versa) and hopefully they will see, in time, that you are/were a valuable member of the clan. I don't suggest you cut them off....I suggest you keep the lines of contact open but don't involve yourself with their scrapping. Be on the sideline.

I can't contemplate how hard it must be for you - or for that matter how they can be so divisive instead of inclusive.

Ann

[paige20ae]

I see that no adoptees have replied to this post yet...
I hate to say this Rainmon, but you HAVE to consider what might be going through HER mind. You have only known this person for a year, she's practically still a stranger.
I met my bmother and bgrandmother (and half brother) a little over 2 years ago. We spoke frequently after the first meeting, but things are very difficult. It is a completely awkward situation, coming from somebody who met her bmom after 18 years of not knowing what to expect.

You MUST give her space and not pressure her to have a relationship. It must be confusing after things going great for a year. I'm sure there are a lot of things going on with her that she's probably just as confused about as you are.

Don't take her behavior too personally, she's probably trying to figure things out for herself.

[keds]

paige, good point. Thanks, I am relatively new in reunion and went at it like gangbusters and the sudden "stillness" is a concern but you're right, probably lots of other issues to be worked out, for both of us.

[rainmon]

yes ...even though the sudden silence at first was confusing and seemed a bit rude as there was no explanation to it for so long. we gave her space, and did not push.... but I do believe if a person needs space for awhile they should just come out and say : "I'm sorry....but right now I am very overwhelmed and need some downtime and space to get my life into perspective and just need some time out for awhile."
I just think that is a much better way to let the other person know what you need.... so they don't think they did something wrong or disappointed you ... etc.... even if they did not live up to your fantasy.... or if your life just needs to get back on track or slowed down or whatever...
but just let them know ....that you just need a little time out to get your life back in order or whatever......
and I do think most people would understand.....that need... as a lot of us are feeling quite overwhelmed also.
but just a sudden silence is not a very considerate way to treat anyone that you care about.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by shadow riderer

I'm not really looking forward to family get togethers such as weddings etc., for the same reasons you have described. I will also probably swallow my emotions and get through with a smile, then go home and cry. for the loss.

Building relationships is a tricky thing. D invites me (and his bsiblings) to family gatherings. Sometimes I feel exactly the same as above. It's hard to say exactly what my role is as "Miss Kathy." Sometimes it's harder than others. Z's birthday in Sept. was a rough day. S's party last Saturday was a very good day...

One thing to remember is that families engage with one another along a continuum of ways from completely detached (haven't even talked in years) to completely enmeshed (can't sneeze without asking permission). There's no one place to be on the continuum although some amounts of closeness are healthier than others. When I'm doing pre-marital counseling we look at where the families of origin are on the continuum and what the couples expectations are. It seems to me that one of the problems with reunion is that we don't recogonize how different our expectations of closeness are.

Hang in there everyone... Take it one day at a time.

[keds]

Hi Kathy, thanks for the "visual", now I'm thinking that I have a much higher expectation of "closeness" so I've got some work to do!

rainmon - you're quite right, maybe it's a question of "good manners" for lack of a better term. I'm not sure my bson is in pullback or just busy with life as when I do get a note/response he's apologizing for the late reply as he's working hard to make a name for himself in his company. I have to keep reminding myself what I was like when I was his age - no time for my relatives, just friends!

[kakuehl]

Speaking of manners... The son I raised had much better manners at 3 than he did at 13... or 23... he's 31 now and it's gradually getting better!

[rainmon]

I was wondering how adoptee's feel when receiving update pictures of bfamily members? does it make you feel sad or left out? does it hurt to see family members doing things that your not apart of?
I have been thinking of holding back upcoming holiday pictures unless she asks for them as I don't want to hurt her or make her feel left out. any input from anyone on how family pictures affect you? are they at times too overwhelming?
at holidays? family gatherings? should we hold back unless she asks?
especially since we don't know what the recent pullback was about I don't want to open any raw wounds so to speak.
any input on this would be helpful.

[shadow riderer]

Whew! This reunion thing is tuff. It's so hard to know what to do.

Rainmon, Rose responded to your questions about the pictures on another thread. I think I feel the same as she does. Sometimes getting pictures or hearing about how everyone is "just going on with life", for some reason, is very hard to see and hear. I can't explain it, other than it just hurts so bad because you want to be there with everyone, you want all that lost time, all that love...it just herts. I don't really think it's just adoptees. I think bio parents feel the same pain. I think, as Rose said, it just depends on how secure we adoptees are feeling at the time. Your husbands 'bd is very lucky to have someone like you, who so wants to make this all work for her and her bdad. I wish my Bdad's wife were like you. I guess all our situations are unique, but what if you just asked her if she would like you to send the pictures. Let her know you understand if it is a little overwhelming. I agree with you. I think people should just say what is on their mind (in a constructive way). I think you are right. Most people would understand and be considerate, even though it might hurt. At least we wouldn't be left hanging, wondering what to do or not do. It's the not knowing what the other person is thinking/feeling that makes it all so very hard to understand, but I guess it can't be that black and white?

I emailed my Bsis (on Bdad's side) a few weeks ago to whish her a happy birthday. Honestly, I didn't really expect her to respond, but I didn't even get a thank you. I didn't do it wanting a thank you, but is it me or isn't that just a little inconsiderate and rude? Even though I, for the most part, knew she would probably not reply with even a thank you, it still stings, and life goes on.

The past several days have been kind of hard for me, but I want you all to know I'm reading the boards and thinking of all of you. I've wanted to respond to a lot of your post. I just haven't been able to find any words. I just want you all to know I'm thinking of you.

P.S. I think my Bdad is reading my post. He knows about the boards, but I can't say if he has actually read them. I told him about them a long time ago, in hope, that he would find some help and support too. There have been several circumstances when he has said in a conversation something that I had written, not like he had read it, but like he knew or was thinking the same thing. Yesterday, he made the remark that he knew that I wanted him to "fix" things...hmmm...and at his last visit, he mentioned that he had been thinking that we needed to spend some time just the two of us, which was the topic of a thread I started just before his last visit...makes me wonder..there have been a few other similar incidents as well. Are we really of the same mind set, or is he reading the boards? Interesting isn't it?

[mlassi]

Shadow i think my bdad's wife reads the boards (she is a great person). I wanted to comment on the picture issue. I would want pictures. I live far from everyone so that is really the only way I can keep posted on how kids are growing up etc. Maybe if I lived closer it would be harder because then I would feel left out. Back to lurking...lol

[kakuehl]

D and his wife do something nice. They upload their pics to snapfish or kodak and them invite us (friends and family) to view them. That would be one way to provide pictures so that they could see them if they chose or avoid them if it was too difficult.

[rainmon]

kathy thank-you for your idea, I will look into those photo programs.
mlassi, yes I have always thought sending pictures made her feel included somehow, but on another thread a bmom felt very hurt and left out by a picture that was sent to her, so it got me thinking if any of the pictures we had sent in the past affected her in that way. I will definitely be more careful with the pictures that we send in the future. and may just wait to see if she asks for some. i just don't know.
Shadow riderer, yes I know how you feel about sending the card, and getting no response to it, that has happened to us many times this last year too and I do know how it hurts, it just puts a constant ache in your heart that is hard to ignore.
but it makes me angry at times as well, as it seems very inconsiderate and rude to me also,to not even acknowledge someone. but everyone seems to think we should send cards and little hello's anyway....but there comes a point that you just can't handle anymore rejection. as that is what it feels like. has she responded in the past? or is she maybe not a person that writes back.
with my husbands bdaughter she always used to respond....so thats why it was so hard later to have the total silence on her part. it was just not like her it seemed. so we knew something was going wrong quite awhile ago.
we will leave to see her soon, I hope things go well, and I plan to give them time alone as I have read how important it is to you....and others. I think I will plan to go on long walks for exercise... and/or find excuses to take the rental car somewhere...(altho I don't know that area at all....yikes! )
but maybe I can find my way to a little antique store or a book store as I can take forever in those shops ! LOL !!
my husband does not know my plan yet.... heh heh heh !
but i think it will do them some good.
thank-you for your thoughts on all this, you remind me so much of her as I've read your posts and they have helped me so much in trying to understand the other side of this and to try to help this reunion progress. I hope I can help someone someday as well.

oh... and I like what you said about maybe being in an emotional pullback, without the lack of contact for a bit, kinda like putting strong emotional feelings on the back burner for awhile, and choosing your battles right now. seems like a good solution for awhile.