[rainmon]

I am the spouse of a Birthfather we are one year into reunion and now have noticed a pullback on Birthdaughters part, should we probe on why she is pulling back to keep communications going?....or just give her some space and just wait. the silence on her part seems unnatural all of a sudden.
She has said so many times in this last year
how Important it was that staying in contact was to her, and pleaded with us not to let what happened between her and B-mother, happen again, as she said she could not take it all over again. her B-mother who she contacted first several years ago, has not been very responsive over the years and it has really hurt Birthdaughter very deeply, so much in fact that she could not bring her self to contact Birth-father until just recently for fear of more rejection.

we are not sure if she's angry about something or sad or just bored and needs a break from us or what? she does not say.
she is pretty much ignoring all our attempted contact now.
At one point my Husband told her it would be better if she started sending her e-mails to our home instead of his job and thats seems to be when communication on her part stopped.
Her letters were starting to get to be much more emotional ...instead of the light & newsy kind they had been. we had given her both emails in the beginning........
and at first she mainly wrote to our home with an occasional " thinking of you " e-card or email to his job....but then they ended up all going to his job and started to get very intense. the computers are shared at work and he also does not have time to answer those types of letters there, and is a slow typer and was really having a hard time with it all.
but now since he asked her to write to our home instead, she seems to have stopped writing altogether, and now rarely even calls.
were not sure if "that" ( his request ) made her angry or hurt her feelings or what, but thats when she pretty much went silent as we now look back.. we thought everything was going real well, we all seemed to have a real nice rapport, but now all we know is something is different on her part and she won't say what.
We have sent emails, ecards & pictures, over the internet and she always used to respond to them happily & quickly and thank us, but now total silence.

[lonni]

I am guessing~~ but it sounds like her feelings were hurt. Sometimes in reunion,the emotions get magnified. It was probably hard for her to share her feelings and then the request may have hurt,and then her abandonment issues came up.Especially since she already feels twice abandoned by her birthmom. jmo

[keds]

I agree, although it might not be anything you've said or done. She may have other issues and she just has not been able to communicate them. Maybe you could set up a "neutral" account (i.e. hotmail) that your husband could access at home. It may be she wants to communicate "to him directly". If you explain the issues at work as well, it will likely help her realize that you want contact but it's too much for him to handle at work. Privacy is a huge issue. We've had people "hack" into others e-mail at work. I am just starting out in the reunion process and have given my home address but there have concerns that someone else will intercept a letter (we're on general delivery). I feel that it is worth the risk but I know at my office now we aren't allowed any personal e-mail (2 people have already been fired over it) so home e-mail is our only option. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[rainmon]

thank-you for your replys
I just don't know at this point if we should : back off and wait for her to resume her part in the reunion when she wants it again...
or to continue writing as if nothing has happened.
(although it hurts when she does not respond)

or to probe as to what is going on and why she has pulled back ?

a lot of wives help husbands with the family and friend correspondence....cards, gifts etc.....and he has always depended on me to help out, especially with this....and yes I do have the feeling she wants just a one on one with him now....but knowing him from past experiences, I know he may just drop the ball if left on his own and I feel this is just too important. like you say feelings are VERY fragile here and if things are not done right, I feel we could lose her. and the more emotional her letters became at work, the more lost he seemed to be with it. and would print them out and bring them home and say help ! what do I do now?! I don't understand whats going on ?! why has she changed?
he just did not understand all her emotions flowing out
as things seemed to be real great before.

[kune]

Ask - Rainman - write or e-mail and ask her how she is feeling. Ask if she has been feeling the "heat" of the moment or finding it all hard to assimilate into her life. Until you ask the question, you will never know. AND...by asking, you are telling her you (or your husband) understands the complexities of reunion and the emotions and thought patterns that reunion brings forth.

I can't assert it more strongly. While we worry about the reasons, the answer can only be validated by her response. We tend to over-think (so do our bchildren) and by giving her space, chances are she believes you have stepped back a couple of steps too.

Find some peace - go to the source and ask the right questions. If there is no response, (fingers crossed that this doesn't hapen) keep on sending letters or e-mails just keeping the dialogue simple and to the point - you care - you are there when she needs to get in touch - you value her as a part of your family.
Regards
Ann

[rainmon]

he does not understand all the emotions right now with her, is there a particular book that will help him understand what she may be going through.?...as now I'm afraid he may be pulling back too and I'm just not sure what to do about all this. she seems to need so much more from him now, and I'm not sure he can handle this alone, so I hope she does not try to push me away as then I don't know what will happen as he is pretty helpless when it comes to lots of reaching out with feelings and things.

[keds]

Be honest and let her know how he feels. Emotions on both sides will intensify at different points. I know I am on pins and needles sometimes, should I ask this or will I offend or drive my bson away but when I finally do open up his response is quick and so far positive. Sometimes waiting to ask the question is harder than hearing the answer. If she does pull back it may only be for a short period of time, or not, but at least you will have done all you can. She will likely appreciate knowing that he, and you, are having just as difficult a time as she is and are worried about her. Take care.

[mlassi]

I recommend the Adoption Reunion Survival Guide. It really helped me understand the whole reunion process.
Mary

[kune]

I agree with mlassi - Adoption Reunion Survival Guide is a reunion "bible". While all reunions and relationships are different, there are commonalities too and this book explores how both parties are likely to (possibly??) react to given situations. It's good reading!! For him and you.

Rainmom - I think it would be beneficial for your husband to realise that what he is feeling is normal - all the emotions and fears that abirthparent experiences.

and yes I do have the feeling she wants just a one on one with him now

Do I also detect in your words your fear that you may be the reason why she has ceased contact? You are part of this process - your husband's supporter and an integral part of his family. If you are on the forums asking other's for their thoughts you are committed to this relationship between Dad and daughter so I'd suggest that there are other issues going on in her life. Don't be too hard on yourself. If she wants to be part of his life......it will include you too.

Fingers crossed that everyone will find peace and contentment.

Ann

[rainmon]

yes... I guess I have wondered if she will not write now, because she wants just a one on one with him.
as it seems when he asked her to send emails to our home.... that 's when they stopped.

I thought we had been getting on well tho before that, well... except, before the holidays..... I sent a beautiful photo album of her visit here, I worked on it for weeks, and I printed them all out and there was a place for captions and photo information on all our travels together while she was here, and it was all in "my" handwriting. and she knows I took all the photo's. so then we did not hear anything from her after I sent it off, so a week or so later he called to chat and he asked her if she had recieved our package and she said she had and thanked him.
when it was my turn to say hello she did not even mention it. I guess that kind of hurt and I started to wonder then, if I had done something wrong.
but she does not acknowledge any of our cards,e-cards or e-mail, pictures etc....anymore like she used to.
I have also wondered if it is because my husband never really addressed some of the emotional things in her emails she had started to send to his job, I mean he answered the emails, but seemed to avoid those types of things I think.
we have decided to write an e-mail just asking her if we have done something to offend her, and that we miss her little e-cards and e-mails. but not sure what else to say..... any suggestions? I tried to order the Survival guide that was suggested here, from a few of our book stores . they all have said it is no longer available and it is now out of print.
( even Barnes & Noble! )

but we sure could use it, especially him!!!

[txrnr]

Just as a disclaimer, I have no experience with a situation like yours, but my first thought was that she wants your husbands attention, and not yours. It seems she doesn't want to share. I know that sounds selfish, and it would be hard not to take it personal, but after reading enough posts here, I don't think it has a THING to do with you, but everything to do with how she feels (and she may not be able to explain why she's acting like a child)

I think you all have handled everything beautifully, and she will be able to appreciate it at some point.

I may be completely off target... I often am. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out soon.

[rainmon]

yes... that may be.....so now why has she pulled back. why is she not responding, even when the e-mails are just from him. he recently send a picture of his (passed) mother "her grandmother" to her and she used to always respond with happiness and lots commentssince we have known her, when ever we sent pictures.????? now just silence.....
she had said so many times how important to her it was for us to have regular contact and we both have tried so hard to do that.....but now she seems to have quit. my husband thinks she needs some space or time out and that maybe she is just overwhelmed right now. I'm not so sure.
so I worry....

[kune]

Ooooo difficult one Rainmom - and I can see how hard it is for you trying to be the "middle-man". I agree that the emotional issues do need to be discussed ...by your hubby and her...This is not something you can do. Sometimes you must feel your are in a catch 22 situation.

If the e-mail is a joint effort, maybe at the end you can add your personal note...something like........I understand this relationship you are trying to build is just between you and (hubby's name) but I am so much part of his life, and would like to share some of the journey with you.

Good luck - to not try is to admit defeat, and you don't sound like a quitter to me. This young lady is very lucky she has a step-birthmom who cares, and I'm sure she will come around to acceptance of whatever is bothering her at the moment. As in all reunions, time, time and time is what is needed to sort out the differences and get to the place where the participants trust each other enough to start forming a life-long bond.
Regards - Ann

[irisheyes33]

Hi Rainmon. As a reunited adoptee also in a "good" reunion, I thought I'd offer my two cents...

My gut told me when I read your first post that she is pulling back because she is feeling rejected by 1) your husband asking her not to email him at work and 2) his lack of response to her "emotional" outpourings. I am guilty of similar things myself. When I am feeling "needy" and my bmom doesn't respond in the way that I need her to or think she should, I have been known to retreat (feeling unjustifiably rejected) and she is left puzzled. The same thing happens in reverse for us. Luckily in our relationship, we are open enough that we have been able to talk about these things and deal with them, and our silences have only lasted a few days.

As opposed to giving her space, I'd suggest coming at her head on. Perhaps a letter with some heartfelt emotion is exactly what she needs. Make sure she knows how important she is to you and your husband. I'm not saying that you or he did anything wrong...it's just real easy for things to be misinterpreted when emotions are running high and people are feeling vulnerable.

At this point, what have you got to lose?

Best of luck...hopefully this is just a bump in the road that will patch itself up sooner rather than later.

[rainmon]

Hello again ...This last couple days my Husband and I had been working on our e-mail to her to say we missed her contact with us and asked her if we had offended her in some way....it was a very nice heartfelt letter and last night we were just about to send it off.... when "in" came the first email from "her" in many months..... she apologize for not writing and said she has been very depressed as she and her husband are having severe finanial problems and when she is not happy she has a hard time keeping up with communications. and after a long run down on all her money woes she asked us if we could loan them some money........so this was very unexpected....so we ended up not sending off our e-mail as I guess that it has nothing to do with "us" on why she wasn't keeping in contact. we had thought we had done something wrong since she stopped all contact.
so now we need to start all over and decide what to do about this. we met her a little over a year ago, and have notice that she is not good at all with money.
so we are not sure at this point what to do, as I guess we did not expect this kind of a situation to come up.
We have provided for "all " of the plane fares,
vacation trips, with hotels, beach houses,
car rental, restaurants etc...etc......since this reunion started as we live quite far from each other, and are actually still trying to get it all paid off so was not expecting this at all.
any advice on how to handle this?