[papaeck]

im a birthmom who married the father, we have a daughter and she is in her 40's and find any little thing she doesnt like , she withdraws. the best is to give her some space and then do the contacting. if she doesnt like emailing to home, then she has to learn that everything cant go her way and that doesnt mean you dont love her. adopted children who reunite , i find need a lot of attaboys all the time and its a lot of work, its been 3 yrs since the reunion and its not any easier.

[rainmon]

yeah it does seem when things don't go just her way she withdraws, my Husband had a Birthday recently and there was no call, no card, no acknowledgement at all. we called a couple weeks later, and she brought it up, didn't you just have a birthday, he said yes....she said oh? I forgot what day it was. weird.
she seems like she goes out of her way to try to hurt him.
and she does not acknowlede any e-mails, mail or gifts we send anymore....it just seems so rude to me, and frustrating.
my husband thinks we should just stop bothering with trying as a reunion should be two way......maybe he's right.

[Dickons]

Adoptee's 2 cents worth.

A book called The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier may explain how your husbands daughter feels to give you her perspective when the reunion has is downs. It would be an incredibly hard book for a birth parent to read but I feel it is a good synopsis of the adoptees views as a child. After reading it I then read The Girls who Went Away and that was a hard read for me to even imagine what my birth parents went through...

You and your husband must deal with the request for money the same way you would with a raised child. If you do not have any raised children then try to figure out what you would do. If you are still paying off debts and you simply cannot afford to help you need to tell her that honestly. If you feel you can afford to help out a bit, still tell her you are strapped.

Hopefully, I have not offended any birth parents by suggesting The Primal Wound as no one should feel blame because they were only trying to make the best decision at the time...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

my husband thinks we should just stop bothering with trying as a reunion should be two way......maybe he's right.

I don't agree with your hubby.. I keep sending gifts to bson and do not expect a reply.. or a memory of my birthday etc..

"Stay connected" is what some of the self help guru's.. say..

I think there is an ebb and flow to this..

Jackie

[keds]

Good advice so far and I too disagree with hubby - yes it should be a two-way street but in reality I think that as a bmom I have to try a little harder to build trust. Also, I will continue to send cards and gifts on special occasions but never expect anything in reply. Loaning money is a whole other situation. I read Primal Wound and it was hard but helped me relate and I think made a difference in how I approached our reunion. I haven't read the Girls that Went Away but I plan to as it might make me feel better. I wish you all the best and hope you can figure out what is best for everyone involved.

[rainmon]

My husband just seems to feel that the reunion has to be two way ...or no way. he has just felt that we should just leave her alone if thats what she wants, and he just does not understand why I have gotten so emotional over all this.
he just feels if she does not want the reunion anymore then we should just back off, since she's the one who started it, she can end it too. since this is what she wants...let her have her way...as we can't make her.... want us in her life.
He doesn't understand it anymore then I do.... but he doesn't seem to be bothered by it like I am.
men are such strange creatures.