[rainmon]

well.....of course ....some days are better then others.... sometimes I do get a little sad that things have changed so, but like I say, I have always been a positive person....and I will not let anyone change that .
so upwards & onwards ....right?
My Husband & I found out almost together about the birthdaughter, we were in the high school parking lot and while I was talking with someone else not far away, the birth mother came up to him and told him that she was pregnant, and that arrangments for adoption have already been made by her folks and she just thought he should know, then she walked away. we got in his car and he told me right then what she had talked to him about, so actually I have known as long as he has, and we always wondered if the child would someday make contact. and then when it did not happen in her twentys...we pretty much gave up thinking about it and figured she did not know she was adopted.
then finally in her late thirties.....out of the blue !!!
The fact that SHE exsists does not bother me at all.
in fact I really looked forward to meeting her and having a new friend so to speak.
but I think it would have really bothered me if there was a child "after" we met. (dh & I) and I don't think I would feel as welcoming...I mean ...it still would not be the childs fault....but it would have just been much harder to deal with it all I think.
but it does bother me a bit that she has closed her door. here we have welcomed her with open arms and did "everything" we could to make her feel loved and a part of our family, (which is a very nice one by the way)
and now she just slams the door... and won't even tell us why. so....thats why I want off the merry go round. I did everything I could and if its not good enough....now....then it will never be and I just want to get on with my life because there are alot of people out there that do want & appreiate our love, friendship and attention...so be it.

[rainmon]

oh ! and I got a good hardy laugh out of your......
" No pun intended" line... LoL !!!!! :~D

[rainmon]

yes our adult children met her this summer,we sent her a ticket to come up for two weeks to visit and they all got along fine and also welcomed her very warmly.
I do wonder though if it was because when she wanted to come back up at Christmas we had said it was not a good time as we had some other plans.
and that next summer would be better.

In one years time, we had gone down to visit her twice, and had her come up to visit us also, and we live thousands of miles from each other. We had just had a VERY busy summer with lots of relatives & friends coming to visit from all over ( including her for 2 weeks) and we just needed to slow things down a bit as things just had been so busy,and the reunion itself is very overwhelming at times and we also had been promising some of our good friends for a few years now that we would come visit them ...but never could and with building our house the previous summers and also traveling both times to spend time with her ,and all the company we had this last summer, so we had kept postponeing the invitation from our friends.
so anyway...b-daughter may have been upset about that, not being able to come up for Christmas, as it seemed right after that she stopped the contact with us. we are not sure if that is it for sure, but as we look back that is when things changed.
and at first when we would inquire why we had not heard from her she would just make excuses like her husband was always monopolizing the computer ...etc...etc....but then gifts started being unacknowledged...so we knew there was something not right, but she just wouldn't talk to us about it.
so now after many months of this silence, she wrote to borrow money..... and then wrote to say she is in a pull-back stage, which I guess means she wants no contact until "she" is ready to resume the reunion again. so.....that is the last time we have heard from her.

[rainmon]

no... we have never done a DNA test...but she does looks like him.

[PastorStephanie]

Momof4or5 and Rainmon, can I get your insight into something? I've read this whole thread and have really learned alot about the life of the birthfather. I was hoping you could shed some light on things for me.

Here's the cliff notes: My bfather was seperated from his FIRST wife when my bmother got pregnant with me. His FIRST wife also got pregnant that same week (so not sooo seperated). My bfather and bmother decided to put me up for adoption and not to tell his FIRST wife or their children about me. 18 years later, my bfather is divorced from his FIRST wife and he calls my bmom and asks if I want contact. My bmom who is not in contact with me at the time tells him to stay away from me. Bfather remarries SECOND wife. They have a child together. I am now in a great reunion relationship with my bmom. I started asking her about my bfather a year ago. She jumped the gun and contacted him to inform him of my interest in him. He responded to her well... promised to get back to her soon with an address where I could mail a letter. He also mentioned that his CURRENT wife does not know about me (neither does any of his children) but said that he wanted to do right by me and didn't want me to get hurt at all. Months went by no address for a letter. My bmom has requested one 5 times from him now. I told my bmom to let me handle things myself.

SO, wanting to take my bmom out of the equation (never having wanted her in this equation in the first place) I called his cell phone yesterday. I didn't think he would ever call her back with an address and felt like sending a letter to his home would really make things bad for him. He answered. We talked for 39 seconds. Long enough for me to get the idea that he is MAD at me and that he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I asked him if my number came up on his caller id and he said yes. I said he could call it any time if he changed his mind. He hung up on me.

I am really confused and suprized as he had indicated such different emotions concerning me to my bmom when I was 18 and to her on the phone the 2-3 times they talked about me earlier this year. I know that my timing could have been awkward for him but he has now had a full day to get 10 min alone to call me back if he wanted to but hasn't...?

Any insight?

[rainmon]

Hi Stephanie, your B-dad sounds like he reeeeally has his hands full right now......and patience will be your only friend at this time. he is going to have to find the right moment to tell his current wife, and that could take awhile. so if you want to be in his life in the future, you will have to respect his life as it is now... and give him the time he needs to introduce the idea of "you" to his family.
He knows your number....so if it was me... I would back off now and this will let him know you are a gentle soul waiting for his lead and not just trying to push your way into his life stepping on all the feelings of his loved ones. its better for you to walk softly now ....and then have a better chance of "him" contacting you.
he knows you are there.....and he will think of you in a good way if you allow him this time to sort this all out on his own time.... give him the patience he needs.

[PastorStephanie]

Thanks for the insight ladies. You were both very helpful. I do not intend to contact him again UNLESS he contacts me first. I really don't want to ruin his life or hurt him in any way. I agree with you both completely, he has my info now and he can do what he chooses- if anything. Having read this thread, I can see how much an impatient or selfish attitude could hurt my bfather and his existing family so I believe it is now and forever- HIS MOVE... should he chose one.

I read all the time how birthmothers think about their bchildren and even if they never reunite. If it is not too intrusive, could you tell me if that has been your experience with birthfathers as well?

[rainmon]

well of course I cannot speak for a birthfather....but maybe you could find one on here if you look around a bit, that could better answer those kinds of questions...
I do know my husband and I talked from time to time of his birthdaughter after she turned 18, mainly wondering if she would ever make contact.
we thought if she did it would be when she was in her early twenties sometime, but never did until her mid -thirties...so by that time we had pretty much given up on her contacting us and thought maybe she did not know she was adopted, so just stopped thinking about it.... so it was a bit of a shock when she finally did !

[PastorStephanie]

Rainmon, thanks for taking the time to answer! I appreciate your help with my questions. It is so great to be able to learn from one another!

[kune]

motherof4or5
Beautiful words and good advice - it applies to us all.

thanks
Ann