[Carolp]

I am a birthmother in need of help. My daughter was born and adopted in 1985, I was 16 at the time. The adoption was not my choice but forced on me. I have only told a few people about her, not because I am ashamed of her because Im not, it is just so painful to talk about it. I was told that it's not something you talk about.

Now that I am older and wiser I see that not talking about it was wrong. I love her so much and I have been waiting many years until I can see her again. I have had to deal with this pain mostly by myself.

I have married and have 4 other children since then. My four children at home are 15, 14, 10 & 6. I have never told them about their half sister and dont know how. I know it is time to tell them but every time I try I just cant. My mother doesnt think I should tell them at all. I dont agree with her, I feel they have the right to know.

I'm scared, I have so many different feelings that I dont understand them. How do I start, how much information should I share with them, what if they resent me for this? If anyone can help I would appreciate it.

[Jensboys]

HI I was 16 when a sister I didnt know existed appeared. My mom had placed her for adoption 11 years before my birth. I think that you should be aware that if you dont tell them now there is a chance your daughter will just show up and that would be harder! My mom sat us down and simply told us the truth. Explained the shame and situation as to why she hadnt told us. What shook me up is that maybe I didnt know my mom as well as I thought I did ... but overall we asked lots of questions which she answered. We were concerned about what "our" dad thought about this - and he was great which also helped us! It was hardest on me - I lost out of being the "oldest" the first grandchild etc... all those things which had been important to me growing up HOWEVER saying that, I dealt with it fine, loved my new sister. Just do lots of reassuring ... explain that your love for them doesnt change, their place in your heart doesnt change. Sadly, I also needed reassurance from my mom that she wouldnt "leave" me or cut me out like she had my sister (this all from the perspective of a teenage of course) which she gave me. Kids dont look on these situation with the same emotional baggage that us adults do - they are liable to be very curious and want to search for her right away good luck and let me know how it goes! Jen

[Carolp]

Thank you so much for your reply. It helps when you have opinions of others who have been through this. My two oldest boys will react differently, Josh is 15 and I'm unsure how he will take this and Robbie (14) will be the understanding one. Should I tell the younger two as well or do I wait till they are older and go through this again? They are (Ethan) 10 and (Bethany) 6.

[kjm69]

Hi Carol,

I am a Bmom in re-union with my daughter after 32 years! I had my little girl when I was 17 and never told anyone except my husband of 30 years. We have 3 children and I have never told them and I so regret it now.

You MUST tell your children. Do it now my dear and tell them all. Enlist your husbands help and sit down one evening when everyone is there and calmly tell your story. It won't be easy--I know because I had to tell my children after my daughter found me last year. They were 29, 24, and 20. I cried and could barely get it out but I did. As you say it is not the baby you are ashamed of but the way society has made us feel.

I think the two younger ones took it well, but the older one had the hardest time with it. She is beginning to thaw now, but has never really explained her reluctance. I think it has to do with birth order and being the oldest as Jen has stated.

I wish you luck and let us know how it goes. The experts say re-unions go so much better when the children know. Your little ones will take it well they always do.

And another thing DO NOT be ashamed anymore--hold your head up high! I lived with the "secret" for so long that I can now proudly say I have a beautiful daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren!!

You will get by this--trust me.

Take care,
Janet

[Jensboys]

I would also like to add that I did go on and become an adoptive parent. Seeing my mother's pain regarding the loss of her first daughter and her sincere desire to know this other child greatly affected my understanding of birth mothers and my sensitivity to adoption issues. This will cause your children to grow. Just a suggestion - I would tell them all right away. Maybe pursue counselling for yourself while/before you do it. Also, a comment on what your mom's opinion is ... my grandmother also was somewhat reluctant to accept (ok VERY reluctant) this "new grandchild" because of the shame she associated with her. So... saying that you may have to put some boudaries up as well especially if a reunion become immenent. Good Luck!

[tammra]

I just would like to say that I gave my son up for adoption 10+ years ago. He is 11 now.

Since that time I married and now have 6 great kids. Their ages are 8,7,5,3,2 & 1. My little stairsteps.

I have pictures of my first son, his adoptive parents sent me a few after his adoption was finalized. I have kept those pictures and over the years, every now and then when I needed to see them I would pull them out. They were with all of the other family pictures. So, one day my oldest asked who that baby was and I told him. He was only 5 at the time and did not entirely understand but that was ok...he knew something.

About 2 years ago my son's were asking their dad if he was the first person who came out of my tummy. Go figure my husband 6'1 coming out of my tummy. LOL Anyhow, I was in the store during these tense moments. So, I did not find out until afterwards. But my husband explained that Granny had him and that they have an older brother who lives somewhere else right now and he was the first person who came out of mom's belly.

So, that has set things in motion for our family. The two oldest boys will ask questions about "DJ"(the son that I placed for adoption. ) I know that my 7 year old asks or brings up DJ once every few days just out of the blue. My oldest says he can't wait to teach DJ how to play video games. The boys argue back and forth if DJ is really their brother and I try to reexplain that DJ is in fact their 1/2 brother. So, my children help keep the memory of my first son alive for me. I do believe that my husband has been the greatest supporter with our children now and my first son. He helped lighted the load and when to tell the kids by his honesty.

I think that the hardest thing is, the adoption was semi-open. I picked the adoptive parents and met them. They stayed in touch for a short time after the adoption through the adoption agency by letters and pictures. So, my children only have baby pictures to see. It is hard for them to grasp that DJ is older then they are. I think that was the hardest part in explaining thing to them.

I have told ever one that I know about my son and my past. (Not sure if it is ok to say my son but to me he always will be) This way there are no surprises. I also don't think that it is ever too late to tell your children. I think that the longer one waits to tell a spouse or their children the more they feel at a loss and live with "this private secret". I know that with teenagers it will be harder (I can relate some since I was told who my biological father was when I was 10) I know that it is not the exact same thing but it sent my life into more uncertainty.

So, to those who have had children of their own, I suggest telling your children about the one you gave up for adoption because it makes life easier in the long run. Alot less surprises if DJ ever shows up on my doorstep or calls us.

Every birthmom has their own way of handling things and each of the children we have now will have some needed adjustment time after they are told. I think the most important thing is to reassure our children that we will be there for them and will be happy to answer all of their questions even if they have them at 2 A.M. Once you open the door to your children about a child placed for adoption, they need time to think and understand just like us adults do when we find out any shocking news.

Many people are now favoring open adoption! Why? Because there are no secrets. And if you look back at any situation, the less secrets their are, the easier life is to adjust too.

I am just sharing my opinion and thoughts. I realize that not everyone will share my thinking and I am okay with that. I wish all birthmom's the best of luck sharing their experience with their children and or future children. I have found that even though the adoption process has cause me much pain and hurt, my children show me how to love and also remember!

I took up scrap booking a last summer and that has helped alot. The son that I placed for adoption way back when is also in our family scrap book. He may not belong to my husband BUT he IS our childrens brother. I can tell you that those were the hardest pages to make BUT my children enjoy looking through them all and love the book. They also ask when they will meet DJ. So, if I don't find him or he does not find me, I have a good feeling one of my six children will find him.

Good~Luck!
Tammra