[Mihija]

I write this letter in hopes that some of you might help me understand any reservations my b-daughter might be having, in meeting with my family and I.
Last year I ask the b-father for his help in locating her. We found her in early Spring of this year. We wrote her parents and they seemed friendly and supportive of a relationship but ask us not to contact our b-daughter directly. She was still a minor then, so we agreed with, and respected their wishes. However, after many delays in communication, the b-father no longer felt the need to do so. The a-parents had failed to comply with the original adoption agreements, by closing off communication and were, in his opinion, still blocking us by delaying information. He then, contacted our b-daughter by e-mail and caused some friction, in our relationship with her parents. I was upset with his choice as well, but I feel that much of this has been resolved, through letters with the a-mom and an a-father to b-father phone call. The result has been several letters from our b-daughter and a few from her a-mom as well as a few photos. This has been a wonderful gift to both my family and that of the b-dad's but there have been some glitches that I don't understand.
After a half dozen letters from b-daughter to both the b-dad and myself and one to each of my children and my husband, she has stopped writing. It's been two months now. I assume, after just turning 18 in August, that she needs some time to reevaluate what she is feeling. It's a tough time of life for any child and probably doubly so, when being hit with this. Her parents didn't give her any of the things I sent with her when she was adopted, explaining why we chose to give her up and giving her answers to many of the questions she would wonder about, over the years. She got all of these letters, audio tapes and gifts, after the b-father contacted her by mail. She then asked her parents about it and was given everything. That's a lot for a young girl to try and assimilate all at once. I think she needs time, but my children (son-13/daughter-11) are pressuring me to let them write to her again. They have been VERY excited about sending and receiving mail from her. My thoughts were to contact her parents and ask their advice but I have not heard from them in more than four months and I'm a bit reluctant. What are some of you adoptive parents thoughts on how to state a non threatening letter, asking if the she is doing is OK with all this? I don't want it to seem as though I think they are not doing their job. They have my utmost respect and gratitude for what they have done for both my b-daughter and the other daughter they adopted and raised. I've no idea what is going on or what, if anything, I should do. Should I leave her alone and wait on her timeline or is she feeling very nervous about writing to us and needs our reassurance that we all want to be a part of her life. Is she resenting the children I've kept, or me for keeping them and not her? Is she just dealing with being 18 and has her, very age appropriate, self-indulgent, hands full? My b-daughter has always been a desired and loved part of our family in such ways as, telling my kids from the time they were small that they had another sister that they would someday get to meet. We hang a stocking for her at Christmas and celebrate her birthday each year. Maybe I was wrong in making her such a big part of our lives but to my children, she is their sister. After reading some of these sibling horror stories I am afraid for them. Any ideas? I recently wrote b-daughter a 'chatty', no pressure letter, giving her and update on our family and what we have been doing the last few months and that we would always be here for her. I also wanted to reassure her in some way. This is a quote from my letter to her.

"I, of course, made many miscalculations in the choices I made as a young woman and you may, as well. Hopefully you're smarter than I was and let God guide you in your options. Though you can learn a lot from those difficult decisions, they can be very painful lessons. Even still, as I look back, I wouldn't change ANYTHING. Wonderful things have come from choices I made then. You are one of the best of them. Though I never planed for you to happen, I have never regretted your being born. I guess I just wanted you to know that because I don't want you thinking you were just this mistake your birthfather and I made, 18 years ago. There is a big difference in intending to get pregnant(I didn't) and regretting that I was pregnant.(I NEVER, for even one moment, regretted your presence in my life) You were loved from the first moment I realized that you were with me. I hope you can believe that. You were like this amazing gift that changed my life for the better. I can't even imagine who I'd be right now if you hadn't come into my life. I know this sounds a little crazy, but I just wanted to thank you for that."

Still no response or acknowledgement that she received the letter. I just need to know that she is OK, or at least will be OK, given time. My children are old enough to understand this and are resigned, if not content to wait, but they sense my anxiety too. My husband is very supportive and the b-father and I are renewing our friendship through e-mail but I could use some input from those who actually understand what I'm going through.
If you made it with me this far, thank you for listening. I feel a little better just saying it.

[Txs-birthsis]

First as a Birthsibling, I can tell you--That letting your children know ALL ALONG they ahd another sibling WAS the right thing.. I didnt find out about my sister til I was 17.. I felt lied to stolen from..basically that everything in my life was a huge lie.. If my family could keep MY SIBLING from me , what else were they hiding. As I ahve got older I ahve adjusted, adn come to understand that they thought they were doing best for both ME and my Adopted sibling.. But it still leads me to question everything I am told by them.

I also am dealing with a similiar situation with my children, as you are. I ahve two younger half sisters, from my daddy. I didnt know there whereabouts till he passed away--So basically I ahd to call and tell them their father(whom neither ahd seen in 13 yrs) had passed away, and btw oh yeah, I am your much older sister. (Thier ages at the time were 15 and 17). to say the least they are still (more then a year later) unsure how to react towards me. My children are very excited to ahve aunts so close to their ages (my daughter especially--she is 11) She has tried so hard to ahev a relationship with her aunts--and basically got knocked down at every turn. I feel my sisters are afaid to get involved with their neice, because that would force them to accept me. Which they are not ready to do yet. They still ahev so many unresolved feelings about our father--that they tend to see me as the whipping boy since daddy isnt here to take it out on.. and at their age as painful as it is I ahve to accept it--Of course I can not explain that to my 11 year old. SO I just let her call when she wnats to--or write letters, or emails when she feels like it. I feel even with there turmoil--as long as it isnt ME doing the writing contacting--Surley they cna understand my daughter is an innocent in the relationship also. So what I am suggesting to you-is let your children communicae as they need to--Have them write letters or emails--draw pictures or send cards. Have everything in their handwriting.. and make sure they are mailed--or sent. Your older daughter will recieve them--then it is up to her--As a birthsibling I know the relationship between the birthparents and the birthsiblings is very diffrent.

The birthsiblings offer NO threat to the adoptees way of life. I know that hurts, but especially at your birthdaughters age--She is confused about loyalty, etc. She probably is having much difficulty trying to figure where everyone fits into her life. At 18 most kids dont appreciate the power one set of parents have on them--Two would be over whelming. I know my sister(the adopted one) still has trouble to this day(our reunion is going on three years and she is 27). She loves our mom, but feels she is betraying her parents by loving her. She can not show our mom any affection.. and basically doesnt want to. She does though want her children to know and love their nana. It is just basically a confusing situation for all involved. Her parents can say all day long how they appreciate my mom for the gift she gave them--but their words mean little, when you see the pure fear on their face at every mention og my mother. Now I am not saying anything against my sisters parents. Only what is understandable so. I think(and this is purely my opinion--from dealing with many adoptees, a-parents--and birthfamilies) That most a-parents, feel they were given a gift--but are so afaid teh giver is gonna change there mind, that the fear is what leads ther world. Does that make sense. It is like they WANT to acknowledge how great the bfamily is, but by doing so gives the bfamily an upper hand. They also live in fear of the "labels" the world put on bmothers. They are afraid whatever "trouble" caused bmothers to choose adoption will somehow hurt their child. It isnt fair--and I dont agree--but it is understandable. They are protective of their child as any parent would be.

[Rainbow mom]

I wasn't adopted but never met my BF until I was 15. He and I met and spent time together. Then I started feeling very let down. He was not the Knight in Shining Armor that I had expected. I began to feel smothered and confused about the relationships in my life. I needed space. I did not contact him for several years after that first meeting. When I did he rejected me.

My advice is not to break contact with her (send Christmas and Birthday cards) so she doesn't feel abandon again but do not expect her to reciprocate. She needs time to sort out her feelings and see where she is. Be open to her and not hostile if it takes her years to seek you again. Give her the same number of years that it took you to look for her. LOVE HER ENOUGH TO LET HER GO.

[NCGN20]

I CAN UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY WHAT YOURE GOING THRU. I AM AN ADULT ADOPTEE AND A BIRTH MOTHER WHO HAS RECENTLY REUNITED WITH MY SON (18). I HAVE NOT FOUND MY FAMILY YET, AND TO THIS DAY HE IS THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE EVER MET THAT IS RELATED TO ME. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN BUT, I DO HAVE AN INCREDIBLE HUSBAND WHO HAS BEEN SO SUPPORTIVE THRU THIS. ABOUT 7 MONTHS AGO, I CONTACTED MY SON'S ADOPTIVE PARENTS. HE INTERCEPTED MY E MAIL AN D WROTE ME THE MOST LOVING, LOST LITTLE BOY TYPE LETTERS. WE THEN BEGAN A VERY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP OVER THE PHONE. WE TALKED TO EACH OTHER A FEW TIMES A DAY, IN THE MORNING BEFORE WORK/SCHOOL, IN THE AFTERNOON ON MY LUNCH BREAK AND IN THE EVENING. EVERY EVENING, WE DIDNT GO TO SLEEP UNTIL WE SAID GOODNIGHT. MAYBE IT WAS TOO MUCH, BUT I FELT LIKE IF HE WANTED TO TALK, I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM. WE HAVE VISITED EACH OTHER ABOUT FOUR TIMES AND HAVE HAD AN ABSOLUTE BLAST TOGETHER! IT ALMOST SEEMED LIKE WE NEVER LEFT EACH OTHER'S SIDE, BUT WE WERE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHERS AS STRANGERS AT THE SAME TIME. THE LAST VISIT, WE GOT INTO SOME EMOTIONAL DISCUSSIONS AND EVEN A COUPLE OF REALLY STUPID DEBATES, OK ARGUMENTS. I DIDNT THINK MUCH OF IT AT THE TIME, BUT THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I HEARD FROM HIM. I WENT TO VISIT HIM IN CA AND HE WOULDNT EVEN TT ME. HE EVEN OPENED THE DOOR AND WALKED RIGHT PAST ME! SPEAKING AS A BIRTH MOM I DO BELIEVE THAT HE IS REALLY MIXED UP NOW, AND NEEDS TIME TO SORT EVERYTHING OUT. I WILL LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AT EACH OPPORTUNITY LIKE XMAS AND BDAYS BUT I ALSO FEEL LIKE HE WAS SETTING ME UP THE WHOLE TIME. NOT REALLY SURE, BUT SPEAKING AS AN ADOPTEE, I WOULD LOVE TO MEET MY REAL MOM, WHETHER SHE WAS MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR OR NOT, SHE IS MY FAMILY. I DONT UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION EITHER AND DONT REALLY HAVE ANY GOOD ADVISE BUT THE ONE THING I DO KNOW IS WE ARE VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE THE LITTLE BIT OF MEMORIES WE DO HAVE. A FEW PICTURES, PHONE CALLS, LETTERS WHATEVER. ITS BETTER THAN CONSTANTLY WONDERING.
AND AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY KNOW THAT WE LOVED THEM, WHETHER OR NOT THE DECISION ENED UP BEING THE RIGHT ONE.
AT THE TIME- WE DID THE BEST WE COULD FOR THEM AND FOR WHAT WE HAD TO WORK WITH.
TRY TO HANG IN THERE AND KEEP YOUR HEART AND MIND OPEN AS I WILL BE DOING THE SAME. BEST WISHES

[coleman1900]

Hi all:

Being new to this thread... I hope I am not out of line replying to this. I am both a birth-mother and a adoptee. I admire the courage it takes to find your children and to make contact. I have found (most) of my siblings but have yet muster the courage to contact my birth-son. I have found it to be quite a adjustment to getting to know my siblings...not like on T.V....lol. There are times I wish that I hadn't and times I am glad I do have contact with them. Perhaps your daughter is feeling like she doesn't want her life disrupted or maybe she is afraid you will leave her again. The only way to find out is ask her if she will write a letter and explain or maybe start with contact through e-mail. I wanted to wait a few days after finding out about my sibilings just to let the whole idea sink in (didn't know they existed until then) but my two brothers were too anxious and called me the next day. I was glad to hear from them, but wanted some time. My birth-son is 18 and I know where he is but can't seem to make the contact...I think I am afraid of disappointing him and I am not sure that he will want to get to know me...afraid of getting hurt or rejected from him. I know I have and still struggle with these same emotions from my birth siblings. The re-connection process is difficult . I hope that I may have shed some light on this. I would love to make contact with anyone else in the same situation as I ...please feel free to contact me at my e-mail... coleman1900@shaw.ca
Take care

[krissy88]

I am a 23 year old adopted at the age of 6 months. My b-mom found me at the age of 17, after my a-mom had passed away.

To make a long story short, I did something similar to your b-daughter. I talked to her for a short time and then I did not have the urge to tlk to her again. An a-child feels a tremendous amount of pressure when she feels she has to choose between her a-parents and b-parents/mother. Those parents are the only ones she has known and grown to love. When someone else steps into her life saying how much they love her and would not change anything, etc....it's hard to deal with. No one likes the feeling of abandonment and she may feel like it will happen again.

I am positive she is just putting a wall up to protect herself. She will come around but you HAVE to giveher time!!! MAybe write her one more letter to let her kow you will let her make the move wheb she is ready and you will always be there. Trust me, it was the best thing my b-mom did for me.



QUOTE]Originally posted by Mihija
I write this letter in hopes that some of you might help me understand any reservations my b-daughter might be having, in meeting with my family and I.
Last year I ask the b-father for his help in locating her. We found her in early Spring of this year. We wrote her parents and they seemed friendly and supportive of a relationship but ask us not to contact our b-daughter directly. She was still a minor then, so we agreed with, and respected their wishes. However, after many delays in communication, the b-father no longer felt the need to do so. The a-parents had failed to comply with the original adoption agreements, by closing off communication and were, in his opinion, still blocking us by delaying information. He then, contacted our b-daughter by e-mail and caused some friction, in our relationship with her parents. I was upset with his choice as well, but I feel that much of this has been resolved, through letters with the a-mom and an a-father to b-father phone call. The result has been several letters from our b-daughter and a few from her a-mom as well as a few photos. This has been a wonderful gift to both my family and that of the b-dad's but there have been some glitches that I don't understand.
After a half dozen letters from b-daughter to both the b-dad and myself and one to each of my children and my husband, she has stopped writing. It's been two months now. I assume, after just turning 18 in August, that she needs some time to reevaluate what she is feeling. It's a tough time of life for any child and probably doubly so, when being hit with this. Her parents didn't give her any of the things I sent with her when she was adopted, explaining why we chose to give her up and giving her answers to many of the questions she would wonder about, over the years. She got all of these letters, audio tapes and gifts, after the b-father contacted her by mail. She then asked her parents about it and was given everything. That's a lot for a young girl to try and assimilate all at once. I think she needs time, but my children (son-13/daughter-11) are pressuring me to let them write to her again. They have been VERY excited about sending and receiving mail from her. My thoughts were to contact her parents and ask their advice but I have not heard from them in more than four months and I'm a bit reluctant. What are some of you adoptive parents thoughts on how to state a non threatening letter, asking if the she is doing is OK with all this? I don't want it to seem as though I think they are not doing their job. They have my utmost respect and gratitude for what they have done for both my b-daughter and the other daughter they adopted and raised. I've no idea what is going on or what, if anything, I should do. Should I leave her alone and wait on her timeline or is she feeling very nervous about writing to us and needs our reassurance that we all want to be a part of her life. Is she resenting the children I've kept, or me for keeping them and not her? Is she just dealing with being 18 and has her, very age appropriate, self-indulgent, hands full? My b-daughter has always been a desired and loved part of our family in such ways as, telling my kids from the time they were small that they had another sister that they would someday get to meet. We hang a stocking for her at Christmas and celebrate her birthday each year. Maybe I was wrong in making her such a big part of our lives but to my children, she is their sister. After reading some of these sibling horror stories I am afraid for them. Any ideas? I recently wrote b-daughter a 'chatty', no pressure letter, giving her and update on our family and what we have been doing the last few months and that we would always be here for her. I also wanted to reassure her in some way. This is a quote from my letter to her.

"I, of course, made many miscalculations in the choices I made as a young woman and you may, as well. Hopefully you're smarter than I was and let God guide you in your options. Though you can learn a lot from those difficult decisions, they can be very painful lessons. Even still, as I look back, I wouldn't change ANYTHING. Wonderful things have come from choices I made then. You are one of the best of them. Though I never planed for you to happen, I have never regretted your being born. I guess I just wanted you to know that because I don't want you thinking you were just this mistake your birthfather and I made, 18 years ago. There is a big difference in intending to get pregnant(I didn't) and regretting that I was pregnant.(I NEVER, for even one moment, regretted your presence in my life) You were loved from the first moment I realized that you were with me. I hope you can believe that. You were like this amazing gift that changed my life for the better. I can't even imagine who I'd be right now if you hadn't come into my life. I know this sounds a little crazy, but I just wanted to thank you for that."

Still no response or acknowledgement that she received the letter. I just need to know that she is OK, or at least will be OK, given time. My children are old enough to understand this and are resigned, if not content to wait, but they sense my anxiety too. My husband is very supportive and the b-father and I are renewing our friendship through e-mail but I could use some input from those who actually understand what I'm going through.
If you made it with me this far, thank you for listening. I feel a little better just saying it. [/quote]

[Mihija]

A few days ago I wrote my b-daughter a letter letting her know that I didn't want to make a tough time of life(ie being 18), even more difficult for her. I told her that I would be here, when or if she ever decided she needed anything from me but that I would not write to her anymore unless she indicated otherwise. From what I've read in this Forum, late twenties or thirties seems to be more the age of maturity and readiness for adoptees to be interested in forming some sort of relationship with their birthparents. It is enough for me to know that she is happy and healthy and doing all the things 18 year old kids do but I do hope and pray that some day she might desire a friendship with my family and I.
Krissy88, I understand very well, that fear of rejection. Birthparents feel it too. I loved her enough to let her go the first time and I do now as well but the pain of that is almost more than I can bare for the second time in my life. I can only hope that some day, she will understand that what I did and do now, is out of unconditional love and not rejection. I'm sure it was the same for your birthmom.

[traci29]

As an adoptee who hasn't found my birth parents, it's wonderful to hear about your love for the daughter you gave up for adoption.

When I was 18, my curiosity started setting in at full speed. Although I felt this way, I don't think I could have handled finding my birth family at that point in time. The biggest reason is that I would have been terrified of betraying my mother (adoptive mother). It is so hard having the most wonderful mother you could imagine but still feeling restless and like a piece of you is just invisible.

It has taken me as an adult, 29 years of age, to really accept and understand my feelings. I think when she is ready you will know.

Good Luck!!!

[Mihija]

I'm not sure I can say how much I needed to hear that, right now. Just the fact that you feel that way, gives me hope that someday. . . . .

[rbowman52]

Dear Mihija

I am an adoptee at 23 years of age. I want to reassure you that your daughter doesn't hate you or resent you. There are so many mixed emotions that every 18 year old goes through. I am about her age, and vividly remember those years of my life as some of the most difficult and trying times I've ever (and hopefully will ever) go through. I'm not saying that your bdaughter is going through the same thing, but I do want to share with you some of my experiences, and how, at that time in my life it would have been so incredibly hard for me to hear from my birth parents and why I would have done the same things as she is doing now.

First of all, at that age any human being is trying to sever ties with their family and become their own person. I was moving away to college and trying to deal with my own pain at leaving my adoptive parents. At the same time I was trying to prove my independene from them. Adding a family that I had never met into that already conflicting situation would have been too much for me.

Secondly, I was trying to form my own identity. Not one based on my aparents or my bparents, but on my own experiences up to this point. This process was extremely difficult for me (as it is for many adoptees) and it would have been made even more difficult and confusing by contact with a family that I had always identified with but never met.

Thirdly, that period in my life I felt the pain and fears of abandonment at a level I could hardly deal with. Again this is very common for adoptees to deal with these feelings, especially at this time in their lives. This fear of abandonment may prevent her from contacting you for a long time. This isn't because she resents you, she just fears being left alone a second time in her life, just as you fear letting her go a second time.

I hope this helps
Rachel