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I was wondering if you had any thoughts about what I can do to improve my relationship with my birthdaughter with whom I had a reunion in 1993. It seems I have to take almost all of the initiative in the relationship. She doesn't call, write, or visit, except for one time at my expense. She has never given me a present except for a couple of framed pictures of her and her daughter and us together. She has never remembered me for my birthday, and last year she didn't even call me on Father's day, which she had done the previous years. (No card or present, though) She has welcomed me and my family to stay with her during summer visits, though, which I've made every year except for the year she came up here. I expect her again this summer because she has to come up here anyway to bring my granddaughter to her brother who lives in NY (I live in NJ and Kelly, my daughter, lives in SC)

I think a mistake I made initially with my reunion with my daughter was to do a "gut-spill" and reveal to my daughter all the ugly details of my breakup with her birthmother, who gave her up for adoption against my will. I think this was probably motivated by my guilt, and because I wanted her to hear the story from me rather than her birthmother. My daughter was obviously discomforted by my disclosures, and, in my insecurity, I made the additional mistake of trying to press her into a number of heart to heart conversations during the week I was visiting in a misguided attempt to create an intimate bond between us. It was too much too soon. I was trying to make up for 28 years in a few days. I remember my daughter saying to me "you're pushing me away." My advice obviously is don't come on too strong as I did.
I think that after six years I'm still trying to repair the damage of getting off to such a bad start.
I do think that part of the problem of my developing a relationship with Kelly, though, is the fact that we live 700 miles apart, and I''ve only been able to visit her 7 times in 6 years. Of course I've called numerous times, but I don't think its been anywhere near as helpful as frequent in-person visits might have been.

joe

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Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Expert Support Forum (5 yrs +

Dear Joe:
I say to you what I say to the Birthmothers who write to me ... that is: we tend to forget that while the child we gave up for adoption has ALWAYS been a part of OUR lives, the child/adult has lived a completely different life, set apart from us. Oh, they want very much to know us and to have us in their lives in a fashion, but WE are not the center of THEIR universe.

We all make mistakes during the early years of reunion. In our joy -- and desperate need to be "forgiven" -- we tend to "let it all hang out" and that's much too much, much too soon. It's tough being so far apart. I know! My daughter and granddaughters are in Michigan, while I live in Southeast Florida. Although I visited them a few times a year during the early years when my grandkids were babies and toddlers, age and lower income has curtailed the visits in recent years, and I've had to rely on THEM visiting me. So, since 1991 our visits have been their Annual trip to Florida and then usually only one day.

But, we ARE close. We've weaved our own special ties via letters, videos, and more recently frequent e-mails. I've had a great relationship with my granddaughters, but I really can't say that my daughter's and my relationship is anything more than a still-unfolding friendship, and a strong affection (at least on my part). My daughter is still a little "stiff" with me, but I don't doubt her love and no longer feel "undeserving."

Had you asked me in the beginning, I would have advised against EVER saying anything against her birthmother. While they may not be BONDED together, a birthmother is generally something very special to an adoptee. THEY can reject their b-mom and THEY can criticize ... but no one else is allowed that liberty. They don't want to hear that their birthdad was a skunk, either.

They DO want to know WHO they are, what TALENTS they have, what HERITAGE they bring to her/him.

Like a child of divorce, whose parents constantly attack one another, the reaction is often the opposite of what the attacking parent intends .. child begins to sympathize with the parent being attacked, withdrawing from the attacker.
It is best to forget the past and start fresh.

As for the gifts, phonecalls, cards, etc. I think sometimes the adult adoptee doesn't quite feel that parental tug with the birthparent, and perhaps now and then gets the urge to remind us that WE gave them up and it's the Adoptive Parent who is the "real" parent and who is to be honored for the parental role they played in the adoptees life. I gather from what you wrote that your daughter and you were not reunited till AFTER 28 years. My daughter and I reunited when she was 32! That was 13 years and two granddaughters ago. Her PARENTS are the wonderful couple who raised her, nurtured her and have loved her through thick and thin over the now 45 years of her life. Not the birthmom who she/he has known only for (in my case) 13 years.

Boy, I had trouble accepting that reality during the earlier years. It took a lot of soul searching, reading and self examination before I woke up.

Don't look for your daughter treating you like a Father, Joe!
You AREN'T! Be happy to have what she's given you; be happy to KNOW her and her family, and accept the role she offers you. I realize that she was given up against your wishes ... but the fact is, she WAS given up, and she was raised by OTHER parents, not you.

Try to create a special spot in her life. That's what I've been doing. Something apart from being "Parent," but closer than being "Friend." I'm lucky that I share the role of Grandma with my granddaughters' other Grandmas, and that my granddaughters have known and loved me all of their lives. That has helped in my relationship with my daughter. Of course, the fact that her parents are so supportive has helped tremendously, too.

It isn't easy, but love isn't always moonlight and roses. Do some reading. There are many books that provide insight into the feelings of adoptees regarding birthparents and birthfamily members. There are excellent articles in this website's READING ROOM (go to HOME PAGE and surf the index).
The "Book Shop" offers reviews of books that are available at your local book store and library, and you can gain a lot of insight and understanding from reading the posts in the various FORUMS and BOARDS.

The more you understand about THE ADOPTEE'S feelings, the easier it will be for you to design a special role for yourself in their lives. I went into therapy (and continue). It has helped me understand not only my OWN feelings and attitudes, but also those of the other "players" in my life story.

I don't think we EVER get rid of the guilt and remorse. It's a "done deed." We CAN create something new and special, though.

The less we expect, the more we enjoy what we get.
Hugs, CAROL

[claudia456]

I'm a reuntied adult adoptee, I met my birthfather a little more than a year ago.
I really had no idea that b-fathers felt the same types of emotions that b-mothers do, My reunion with my b-dad is basically non existant, partly because of our distance, (we live nearly 12 hrs apart) and partly because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.
He doesn't call me all that much, sometimes I don't hear a word from him in months and just when I give up on him, he shows up at my doorstep.
I wanted very badly to get to know him as my dad and for him to accept me as his daughter, but these relationships are so character testing and emotional plus there always seems to be so many people involved that it makes it tough to try and get to know each other 1 on 1, I think of him on his birthday and Christmas and stuff but sometimes I feel like it's not my place to send him things or to call him to let him know I remembered, I have always had a place in my heart for him and I always will, there are times when I get so angry because I think he doesn't care about my feelings or remember me on my birthday or special occasions that I could just explode like a 5 year old spoiled brat, I've shed a lot of tears in this reunion and had to face a lot of issues that I didn't know were there, but as upset as I get with him sometimes it all melts away when I see him and I feel no resentment towards him, there isn't a lot of information out there on birht dad's feelings and it's tough to try to understand what they might be thinking or feeling, I wish that more birth fathers would come forward and speak out about there hopes and fears because men are human to and need to stop hiding their emotions from everyone all the time, it's not healthy, I think that speaking out would help everyone involved in the triead, I'm tired of seeing the b-dads being forgotten as if they don't matter, they should be included in everything just as much as the b-moms are.

[Glas]

In two years my son will be 21 and I can legally search for him. So I can not give any advice. But I can thank you for sharing so I can learn. And Claudia as a birth-father I share your concerns burden that we seem have brought upon ourselves as a gender and hope that perhaps this is changing as we learn that at a species we can reach greater heights when there is equality .

[sophie]

Wow is it good to here something from you bfathers! I have been searching for something from a bfather to give me some insight into my own bfather reunion experience. We have been reunited for almost 1 1/2 years now and I still have such intense emotion about him that I am afraid that I overwhelm him or give him more than what he really wants. He says that he shares his feelings but when he does they are all too perfect to be true. Than there are the breaks in communication (especially after I see him in person) and the forgotten bdays etc. I have given him a gift on every possible occasion and have even watched him give his grandson by my sibliing who grew up with him something but not my daughters (his granddaughters). He never knew that I was born but when I made contact told me everything an adoptee could hope to hear. He expressed so much love and support--I was extatic. But it seems like I carry the weight of the relationship in everyway and know that he has feelings that he will not express. I think that he does not want to hurt my feelings by saying what he really feels. I hope that he feels the way you bfathers feel. You guys are incredible and I know your daughter just doesn't know how to express everything she feels--my advice is to not give up. ALL DAUGHTERS NEED FATHERS!!

[shadowdove]

Joe,
Don't feel bad or guilty about the so-called bad start. I did the same thing as you when I searched and found my bdaughter in 1999, she was 35 yrs old. We spill our guts because we feel guilty and ashamed, trying to explain everything, but it is so overwhelming for our birthchildren, we just didn't know it at the beginning. I think the reunion process, is a total learning experience on both sides, intimate strangers, so to speak. Don't keep fretting over what you think are your mistakes at the beginning of the reunion, just work on what you have today. Hey, you have both kept in contact this long, something must be working, right?

Chris