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  #1  
Old 05-29-2011, 05:40 PM
hurt2confused hurt2confused is offline
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Found out my husband child he place for adoption.

I am new to this but like everbody else I am looking for support. Almost 2 years ago I found out that my husband have a child out of wedlock and placed the child for adoption, 40 years ago. The child and the biomom get reconnected 3 years ago and the biomom contacted my husband and told him about the reunion. My husband of 15 years never disclosed this to me and to any of his family. Nobody know about his past except him and the biomom. He never had any communication or whereabout of the child since it was a closed adoption.He called the child and they exchange e-mails and thats how I found out when I accidentally read all the e-mails on his phone. I was mad, angry and betrayed when I first found out about this.
He said he thought that this will never come up since it's been that long. And he thought there is no reason of bringing his past. Obviously, it did came out and now ther are feelings that are hurt by this. He said he was going to tell me as soon as he found out about the child and he was waiting for the right moment.
After 2 months of exchanging e-mails and phone call between my husband and his daughter, the communication seems to slow down. Holidays have passed by and Fathers day but we never heard from her. No phone call or e-mail. I don't know what her thoughts are or feelings on to this but I find it bizaare that after going through searching and finding her biodad it seems like she lost interest already. I never placed a child for adoption and I am not an adopted child so this whole thing is new to me. Any thoughts????
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  #2  
Old 05-29-2011, 07:56 PM
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Just that Adoption/Reunion are a two way street. It takes time to find your feet in birth relationships. I would not take it as a sign of lost interest, but even if it were glaring so - leave that to your husband to figure out and decide. I understand that you are hurt by him not sharing this MUCH earlier but it is probably stirred up a lot of feelings he doesnt know wha to do with either.

My best advice, listen and be as supportive as you can. Think about what kind of relationship you might like to have with this daughter, because you might get the chance down the road.

Others will probably have some better advice but I wanted to make sure you got a reply.
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  #3  
Old 05-29-2011, 11:22 PM
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belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
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My reunion with one of my first brothers really ebbs and flows. He was very gung ho to meet me in the beginning, to the point that he offered to pay my then FIL to bring him to my house. Now, I only hear from him when I contact him, which is fine.

Reunion is a really complicated thing. You are suddenly thrown into a relationship with someone that is a relative stranger. He is my brother, but I knew very little about him. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, and when we decided to invite just family to our wedding, he was one of the family I chose.

I'm sure it does hurt that he didn't tell you. Losing a child to adoption is a painful and sometimes mortifying thing. I am embarassed sometimes that I chose not to parent my son. It hurts like heck too.

As far as not recognizing Father's Day etc., it is tough to reconcile in your head that there are all these other people that have to be included when sometimes it is hard enough just to get all the people that are right there in your life included.

Hang in there and be supportive of him.
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First mom to the amazing Kiddo and adopted adult

11/25/2011 Mom and I go to a bridal shower for my baby brother's fiance. We are NOT cupcake artists.
12/12/2011 Grades are out and I got an A. Sure it was only one class, but it is still an A!
5/15/2012 Semester finishes, I a got an A and a B. I was hoping for two A's, but with all the drama, my grades were pretty good.
5/30/2012 Kiddo turns 8. Hard to believe he is so grown up! I talked to him on the phone for the first time on his birthday.
2/1/2013 Take over as Executive Director of the shelter in my community. It is so nice to work in town again.
5/28/2103 I go to a ball game for Kiddo and we celebrate his birthday. Almost 9!


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  #4  
Old 05-30-2011, 12:58 PM
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Old 05-30-2011, 07:06 PM
hurt2confused hurt2confused is offline
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Thanks for the response. I am trying to be supportive and understanding to my husband but sometimes or I should be honest most of the time, I can not still wrap my head around the idea of my husband having another child aside from our children eventhough this child have her own parents now. Jealousy maybe????? I dont know.
Maybe if it was disclosed to me since the beginning it will be a lot different. I hope I did not hurt her feelings when I talked to her for the first time and it was the last time so far, she said she was looking forward to meet me and my husband and the children and at that time I was just being honest to myself and to her that the whole revelation almost tore my family apart and that we almost did not make it. I told her that someday, on God's perfect time we will do that. BUt as I said it's almost been 2 years since the last time we spoke to her and my husband mentioned that it is up to her since we are the one who called her the last time.
Until now my in-laws still doesn't know about her. When I asked my husband about it, he said "whats the point?"
He thinks that she lost interest on him already, that she probably met her curiosity, and thats that.
I don't think it is my responsibilty to disclose this to his family, or should I?
Should we just move on?
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  #6  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:34 AM
Dickons Dickons is offline
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Hurt,

This may seem very harsh and I honestly do not have a better way to say it.

So you spoke to your husbands child and told her that your marriage almost did not survive the revelation, and that you would meet someday when it was God's perfect timing, and since then she has not contacted your husband?

If I have that right no wonder she backed off.

Ripping another family apart is NOT what an adoptee wants to do EVER. That is our worst nightmare come true - opening up the proverbial can of worms that ruins lives.

Does your husband understand what you said to her? If not, he should.

I have no advice but playing the "we called last" game seems silly when you stop and think about how much courage it takes for an adoptee to reach out and face being rejected the second time...

Kind regards,
Dickons
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  #7  
Old 05-31-2011, 12:38 PM
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LibbyHawkins LibbyHawkins is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickons
Hurt,

This may seem very harsh and I honestly do not have a better way to say it.

So you spoke to your husbands child and told her that your marriage almost did not survive the revelation, and that you would meet someday when it was God's perfect timing, and since then she has not contacted your husband?

If I have that right no wonder she backed off.

Ripping another family apart is NOT what an adoptee wants to do EVER. That is our worst nightmare come true - opening up the proverbial can of worms that ruins lives.

Does your husband understand what you said to her? If not, he should.

I have no advice but playing the "we called last" game seems silly when you stop and think about how much courage it takes for an adoptee to reach out and face being rejected the second time...

Kind regards,
Dickons
In this case I have to agree 100%.

Empathy would have went a long ways in the situation, you chose to be honest? you admit you haven't worked your feelings out about this development . . . how can you be in honest then?

In any case if your husband is aware of the words you said and has chosen not to mend the damage those words no doubt caused, then he too has made a decison. I don't think you could possibly understand what effect your words had on his child. I would bet it is something she thinks about every single day of her life, and is her reason for "leaving his family alone"

I cannot begin to describe how I would react if those words had been said to my child. God help the person that said them to him is all I will say.
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  #8  
Old 05-31-2011, 03:19 PM
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belleinblue1978 belleinblue1978 is offline
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I'm going to have to agree with Dickons and Libby here.

I know that my first mom believes that I am not her child even though I have everything short of my OBC to prove it. I will probably never reach out to her again knowing that because it took a lot to write that letter in the first place.

There are times when honesty is not the best policy and I think this was one of those times. After what you said I think it is up to you and your husband to reach out to her.

As far as God's perfect time... maybe she felt that when she asked it was God's perfect time.

I really think that you owe her an apology and you need to tell your husband what you said to her if you haven't all ready.

ETA: I also agree with Dickons that you probably confirmed some of her worst fears when you told her she "nearly ripped your family apart." To find out she had been a secret and then that... Wow.
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First mom to the amazing Kiddo and adopted adult

11/25/2011 Mom and I go to a bridal shower for my baby brother's fiance. We are NOT cupcake artists.
12/12/2011 Grades are out and I got an A. Sure it was only one class, but it is still an A!
5/15/2012 Semester finishes, I a got an A and a B. I was hoping for two A's, but with all the drama, my grades were pretty good.
5/30/2012 Kiddo turns 8. Hard to believe he is so grown up! I talked to him on the phone for the first time on his birthday.
2/1/2013 Take over as Executive Director of the shelter in my community. It is so nice to work in town again.
5/28/2103 I go to a ball game for Kiddo and we celebrate his birthday. Almost 9!


LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters.
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  #9  
Old 06-01-2011, 02:00 AM
hurt2confused hurt2confused is offline
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When we last talked, the emotions are still high. It kinda open up the wounds that are trying to heal. I guess I wasn't ready.....
It will probably a lot different if my husband told it to me directly, I will probably reacted better. Not by finding it through e-mails in a different account that he normally use and using a separate phone to use to call her. It was all secrecy. He asked for forgiveness and I'm trying to forgive him completely, and let me tell you, it is not easy. I guess thats what happened once trust is broken.
And when I spoked to his child, it was not harsh talk, it was calm,it might be too straight forward but it is not like how you read it. As a matter of fact, she even said that as a wife, as a woman and as a mother that she totally understand what my reactions are. I told her not to get me wrong cuz it is just my initial reaction,in fact that I was happy for her to find her biological parents.
My husband knows what we talked about. I think even before I entered the scenario, the communication is getting thinner already.As from the last e-mail from my husband, he was telling her thats it's been a while since he heard from her and that he hopes that all is well but there was no response from her. He even e-mailed her after we talked but still to no avail. The only thing we heard from her was when she requested to add my husband as her father at Facebook and that he have to approve it to be listed and he did. And that was it so far....
I think of her everyday, and I tried to feel how it is like to be on her shoes. It must be hard. Sometimes I got mad at my husband for giving her up but who am I to judge? I was not there when it all happened and from hearing his side, they just tried to give her a better chance in life when at that moment him and the mother can not provide.
I am hoping that someday this will be easier for all of us...
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  #10  
Old 06-01-2011, 09:18 AM
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paigeturner paigeturner is offline
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This is a tough situation for sure.

You say your husband needs to rebuild your trust for keeping his daughter from you, but it really seems like he didn’t trust your reaction. Since you gave him the reaction he probably feared, if I were in his shoes, it would be you with the need to rebuild my trust. Additionally, in your first post you state that you “accidently” read his emails; really? I would be furious by that type of breach of privacy, also adding to my distrust of my spouse.

She’s his daughter, not an affair. You both need to stop treating her like one.

If your husband wants to build a relationship with his daughter he should reach out. And continue reaching out to her until she tells him not to. You should stay out of the relationship altogether and be there as support to your husband.

Good luck. I hope it works out for everyone.
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  #11  
Old 10-09-2011, 02:41 PM
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I am sorry you have to go through this tough situation. Unfortunately my mother went through something similar. She put a child up for adoption when she was very young and never told her husband (my father) or the rest of us. It came out when her child tried contacting my mother through me. I won't get into details but lets just say things didn't play out very well. My mother was an emotional wreck for a while. She, like your husband, said that she never thought it would come up. IT was a part of her past and she wanted to keep it that way.

So in a way I was in your shoes, and its not a fun place to be. =/ I would just be there to support your husband, no matter what he decides to do. Its hard for you, but its even harder for him. He needs you now more than ever. Just be there for him.

Good luck, I wish your family the best!
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2011, 11:11 AM
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Suibing_Cash Suibing_Cash is offline
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Hello,
I think you're being a little harsh Paige. There is a place for everyone in this story. Yes, it wasn't right for you to read his texts/emails behind his back. But know that all of that is said and done the real question remains: Where do you go from here. Support your husband, this is his daughter and she is part of him. If you had children with him, do they not feel that they are part of you? That's something you have to be able to relate to. It is up to your husband to build a relationship with her and to reach out to her. If she was the one who searched, it must not have been easy to find out he wasn't looking. But you can also choose to get to know her as a person and support both of them in what is an extremely difficult process. I wish you all the best of luck and I hope it all works out.
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