[annierose]

So I have been in reunion for just shy of a year, I am a full bsib in reunion with my adoptee bro. Upon our first F2F it was very natural and felt like I was meeting with an old friend. Second F2F was in a very social atmosphere and we had no time alone and I felt like he was very guarded, and what used to feel natural does'nt anymore. I see others reunions and they look so happy in their photos, and here I am in my miserable reunion, too scared to ask for a picture together. He barely has contact with me, I send a message "how are you, thinking of you" and sometimes I get one back, but mostly not. I feel like I shoud'nt contact him unless he contacts me, and then when he does, I'm almost angry because he rarely responds to me, why should I respond to him? But I'm not trying to get even or prove anything, so I always respond as soon as I can. My dillema is this: our father has passed, and I had to tell him this upon our first meeting. He died from liver failure, and at the time I thought it was liver cancer because that is what our father's sister told me. I never really knew my dad so I took her word for it. Then I was talking to my fathers brother, and he said my dad died of liver failure due to years of drug abuse and addiction. I really think my brother should know this. I don't want him walking around his whole life looking over his shoulder for cancer. But how do I tell him, if he does'nt even communicate with me? On top of that, our mother, who he has still not yet met, had brain surgery 4 years ago on a brain anyurism. During the surgery they found a second anyurism that is inopperable. Everyday I live with the fear that I may call my mother and her not answer, and I will go over and find her dead. I want to tell him these things, but I don't want it to seem like I am pushing him to meet our mother, and I feel like I have laid some heavy stuff on him, and I don't want to always be the bearer of bad news and constantly be putting crap on his plate that he can't handle. Our first F2F was such a happy occation for me and he told me he would be coming around and could'nt wait to get together again. I gave him pictures our our dad, and I never made copies. I thought I would see him all the time and have a chance to get them back, make copies and give him the origenals back. Now I am thinking I may never see him again, and even if I do, how can I ask for the pictures back? I never really knew our father either, and even though I loath the man, I feel like I lost some photos that I may want to look at later in life. Geeze, what a mess. I feel like I don't have the right to intrude on his life, ask for pictures back, give him all this messed up medical info, and mess the reunion up more than it already is. I feel like he wants me to stay away, so I do. I was very open to establishing a relationship with my brother, I had no choice not to have him in my life and all I wanted was to finally know the brother I lost, but he is so guarded and distant from me, it has made me this way now too.

[crick]

Just me personally, but I would try to separate out the two issues. Your reunion is one and the medical information is another. Regardless of the reunion, he needs to have that health information.

I would send him a very basic message outlining the medical information and then I would mention that you would really appreciate the pictures back as you didn't make copies and hadn't realized that originally. Hopefully this opens the door to a more involved relationship for you both.

[Dickons]

Annierose,

I'm sorry you are hurting and I do not know any words to make it better.

The emotions that come out of our souls when we reunite are so all over the place we do not know where to start and we withdraw. Siblings that do not grow up together are missing that fundamental glue that binds them together, history from a shared enviroment. Without that history and connection we have different fundamental truths that at times seem too much to conquer. From my viewpoint it is hard to explain except to say our dreams and desires are based solely on dreams and then when we are faced with the reality of a live human being it is something we are unprepared for.

All I can say is find a way to be content with the level of contact and try little by little to become a friend first.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[annierose]

Dickens, thanks for the kind words.
I am absolutely going to share the medical info with him, but I don't know how. I hate dropping bombs on him, and since he only has contact with me and very little at that, the responsibility is mine. I have been putting it off for a long time, in hopes that he would want to visit, or meet again. I feel like I am witholding it from him, but not intentionally. I would have told him on our first F2F, but the excitement of reunion overshadowed it. He seems to be emtionally fragile right now as am I, and I'm not sure now is the right time. I really don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to tell him, or when to tell him. All advice is welcome.

[Dickons]

Annierose,

Consider creating a spreadsheet family medical history and will also provide a family tree of sorts. This is good for you and your brother, if you have the info try starting with your grandfather/mother and end with you and him. Under each individual list the following:

Date of birth
Date of death if applicable
Nationality
Lifestyle issues, i.e. smoker, drinker

Then list medical conditions with age of onset, approx age if you do not know exactly, early twenties. As new issues pop up you just add them.

Once you have done this then print a copy and give it or send him the file to your brother and tell him you thought it would be good to get it all down in writing that can be updated as things happen. Tell him to make special note that it wasn't liver cancer as you have found it was drinking that destroyed the liver (although I think it could have turned into cancer - a doctor would know).

That gives you peace of mind that you told him and for both of you there is a record and something you can both work on together to keep current.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[annierose]

This is a super idea. It makes it less personal for me to tell him. Just a factual sheet of family illnesses. I don't know much about our father's side of the family, but I gave him the phone numbers of his brother and sister and I don't feel obligated to research it. Thanks for the input. As always your advice is much appreciated.