[lovinghusband]

i am a soldier stationed in afghanistan. my wife in a moment of weekness had an affair and is now pregnant. i have forgiven her and would like to adopt the child but the father who is a real dirtbag is trying everything he can to breakup our marriage.he wants her to get an abortion because he does not want the baby but says if she keeps he will be invalved in hers and the babys life. my wife has agreed to stay away from him he will not have contact even if he gets visitation he will have to deal with a social worker. what are my options. please help

[RavenSong]

I can't help you much in the way of legalities -- I just don't know the answers for you. I do want to say, however, that you need to seek the advice of a lawyer on this. I know that up until fairly recently, the legal father was always considered to be the husband in these cases. But I understand that that has now changed. So please try to get some legal advice from a professional.

I think it's wonderful that you want to be this baby's father. I wish there were more guys like you in this world.

[loveajax]

I agree with Raven. In some states, I think that the husband is "automatically" placed on the birth certificate so I don't know if you would need to adopt this child or not. The other issue is how to deal with this guy if he wants visitation, etc. I wonder if he would also have to pay child support (? I don't think so but I don't know). You and your wife should talk to a family lawyer.

This is a tough situation, but I am glad that you are supporting your wife! Best of luck to you all and thank you also for your service.

[dpen6]

You are ina tough situaion. What does your wife want? I agreee with the layer thing as it is touchy.

Also wanted to add a big THANK YOU..for what you are doing for our country..you sound like a very honarable man.

Please stay safe

[Rainspa]

I'm no expert, but all the advice saying "Talk to a lawyer" sounds right. I don't know what state your wife is in, or what state she will be in at the time of birth, but from what I've read it makes a big difference.

As the husband, in a lot of states you ARE the legal father, until proven otherwise. He would have to petition the courts for a DNA test, prove paternity, pay child support, etc., and you know how some times military families are a bit hard to track down.

I'm just saying.

Time to talk to a lawyer. This might go a long way to putting you and your wife more at ease. BTW, I don't think there is a snowball's chance that he will EVER be able to see your wife. No legal reason for it. I think he is talking out of his hat. Is there some legal aid as a military perk? If not, can you have someone contact legal aid for your state? Maybe call the bar for your state and find a lawyer that specializes in adoption?

Thank you for your service, you take care.

[txrnr]

The others are right, as usual. In many cases, the father is the husband. Rather backwards in many ways, but just may be just in this case! Talk to your family service unit and get some legal advice. I don't know what support you have deployed, but your wife should be have resources on the base.

This child is lucky to have a guy like you! I'd offer a slight caution that the other guy, dirtbag or not, is the childs father too. He may have important information for your child as he/she grows up. Keeping some sort of open line, even if through a social worker may be in this child's best interest. I'm not talking about what he deserves, but what may be best for the child. (medical information changes as we get older)

Thanks for all you do, not only for all of us, but for your family back home.

[sstuart]

Thank you for your service to our country!! I appreciate the sacrifices that you have made

[SuddenlySusan]

You've gotten good advice so far in regards to seeking a legal opinion. I'm so sorry that you have to add this to your worries right now, but I am glad to know that you are willing to raise this child. If the biological father is the dirtbag you say he is, he'll probably drop off the face of the earth once he realizes he'll have to pay child support...unless he is willing to relinquish his parental rights and allow you to adopt the baby.

Stay focused and stay safe...

Best wishes,
Susan

[unhappilyeverafter]

I would run for the hills. If your wife cheated once she will do it again. There will never be that same trust. My husband cheated on me and we are currently going through divorce. Love is blind, remember that.

[Rylee45]

unhappilyeverafter, it can be that his wife was in a weak moment. I know that happened to me. I cheated on my husband years ago but I was a wreck at the time and shouldn't have done it. I knew I loved my husband but I stupidly did something I shouldn't have.

After I thought about what I was going to lose and all the stuff that we'd been through etc, I NEVER did it again because I didn't want to lose my husband. We've been happy ever since.

It is possible for this man's wife to have the same kind of feelings and realizing how lucky she is to have a husband who WOULD forgive her. I know I felt very fortunate that my husband forgave me and it made a difference to me to a point I never wanted to cheat again.

But, that's probably not the norm however it IS possible. It happened to me. I love my husband even more because of it.

And to the original poster, I think it's wonderful you'd want to adopt the baby if you actually had to by law to be the father. I hope it will be an easy thing. I think the advice you've been given about contacting an attorney is good advice. He/she can let you know what you need to do.

Are you going to be going home soon? I also want to thank you for your service to the country. We just met a guy who came home from Iraq. He was in a restaurant we were in and they announced that he'd just come home. I got choked up but I went to shake his hand and tell him thank you for his service to our country and for helping it stay free and welcomed him home. I try to do that for every service man I meet. I always tell them thank you.

Rylee

[Xdad]

Hmmmm. Well, it is very possible that if you do adopt this child that this "alleged" dirtbag isn't just going to disappear. By adopting this child is asking for a giant can of worms... I hope you are reading alot about adoption aftermath, and the emotional stress that will come down on you in the childs teens. The "father" is probably in a world of confusion right now, I know I was.
As far as forgiving your wife, that is awesome, some people get too wrapped up about sex, and why. Love is bigger than sex.
I am sure that I was referred to as a dirtbag, and probably still am, and that is farthest from the truth.
You cannot just write this guy off, it takes two to tango.
Good luck.
I would not want to be in your situation.