[Rainspa]

I am estranged from 3 of my four siblings. The one I dislike least sexually abused me. That should tell you everything one needs to know about my siblings.

I found out that I have twin sisters that were adopted out, and have been speaking to them for six months and am about to have a reunion with one of them.

Here is the issue. My newly found twin doesn't know the full background, and keeps trying to reconcile me with my siblings. I find this at best painful.
While I can share some things with her, I would like this reunion to be about her and I.

What happens between her and the other members of the family I don't, can't, & won't participate in or be party to.

So, Do I just tell her to please stop this? I would love to get to know her, and I realize she has no clue, but I can't take this.

Rainspa

[Janeytwo]

Hey Rainspa!

While I can share some things with her, I would like this reunion to be about her and I.

This is going to sound like a dumb question (forgive me) but are the twins also related to your siblings? I know that sometimes due to divorce and remarraige that we can all end up having step-siblings and I was wondering if that is the case with you....if the siblings you don't speak to are step siblings.

The only reason I'm asking that is because if your other siblings and the twins are related, the twins might want a relationship with your siblings as well as you.

In that case, it may make things more difficult to traverse since you have made the understandable decision not to speak to your other siblings. If the twins want contact with their siblings and demand the same of you, you may have to make the choice not to involve yourself in order to protect yourself.

Perhaps though if you explain to the twins that your reasons for not speaking to your siblings are valid and that, at this point in the relationship, you would prefer just to get to know them. Perhaps if you ask for time and then when you know them better, you can give your side of things.

I don't know if any of that helps but I wish you well in your reunion.

Keep us posted.

[Rainspa]

I have moved far away and want nothing to do with sibs. If the twins need me to interact with them it is a deal breaker.

The twins are related to my siblings in the exact same way I am (our parents were married to each other before the twins were born, they are my parents oldest children together).

Birth order looks like this:

Half-Sib
Half-Sib
Half-Sib
Twin (Full Sibling) Adopted out
Twin (Full Sibling) Adopted out
Me
Full Sibling

I think that I had better have a talk with the twins; while a full explanation would put one of the twins in an untenable position (of all things twin is an officer of the court), explaining that I have valid reasons and asking for some time may be in my best interest.

Thank you for your reply and allowing me get this off my chest.

Rainspa

[Janeytwo]

Dear Rainspa,

No problem. Keep us posted okay? We're here if you need us. :-)

[Rainspa]

Dear Janey;

Thank you so much for your reply. I sent of an e-mail and she responded well. I am so glad. I like her and want to get to know her. It's too bad that she didn't get a better family to find.

I hope to see her soon!

[Rainspa]

Oh boy.

New status on the reunion is that one twin sent me her e-mail so that she wouldn't be charged long distance phone fees. I can call her for free, but she is charged to call me.
Fair enough, she sent me her e-mail address.

I sent very neutral e-mail.

Evidently she forgot the conversation, and sending her card with her e-mail address in the mail to me. She called twin #2 is upset (how did I get her e-mail address?) and doesn't want any more contact.

Enjoys a wee bit of beverages.

Younger sibling is getting a divorce, and twin 2 has him in her house, which is in his city. Not here current city of residence.

I'm a little shocked. Twin 1 said twin 2 really wanted to attach with birth family, and I thought I knew what that means, but she has known him a year and lives 800 miles away. I thought I was trusting...

My .02? This is going to end badly.

Are adoptees usually this interested in getting close so soon?

So.. Twin 1 not speaking
Twin 2; haven't heard from lately, uber involved with younger sibling. Shudder.

Should I even ask if this is normal?

[Louise66]

Hi Rainspa,

First I'm sorry you were sexually abused-so was I, and not having contact with the perpetrator is completely understandable.

I am so sad for you that contact has suddenly been whipped away; I imagine I would have been devastated. Is it okay if I offer you a ((((((hug)))))? I do hope that your asis will rethink this...and in the mean time you need to look after yourself, because you have done nothing wrong. God knows who has said what to her, but you haven't failed in any way. I think it would hurt if my asis wanted a relationship with my other siblings but not me.

Being fairly new to the reunion process myself, I'm not sure what is normal or, indeed if anything is - there seem to be so many ways that things can play out. I do know that my asis and I became close very quickly which feels right and fine, but it is taking much longer with my younger bsis. I think both are normal.

Although I feel the deepest compassion for my mother, I have only limited contact with her, because she abusedmy sisters and I very badly physically and emotionally. Fortunately, my asis is understanding and respectful about the fact that she hasn't come into an "ideal" situation, so she has her relationship with our mother, and asis and I just focus on our relationship as something that is almost separate. It works well.

I really empathise with your shock.

Take care

Louise