[Jackiejdajda]

Codependency

From Codependent No More.. Melody Beattie..

page 36


A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that persons behavior..


page 39


2. Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who? Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship.






I wish I could have changed my mother.. She was a hard person to please make happy make all better..
But to this day I still obsess on her.. her what I am supposed to be..
In her eyes.. ha..

I wish I could change her in my head.. I wish I had of had a mother that was caring and giving and warm and loving but it did not happen.. I was raised by a woman that ‘took passes’ in life..
And she wanted me to take the same passes.. and be somebody..
I tried it with my art.. I cheated when I was working cheated myself..
I started doing The Artist Way written by Julia Cameron.. and she asked me why I am in a tortured dance with this crazymaker woman.. still.. She died years ago..
I am not good enough never going to be good enough.. so I better cheat and then “have a drink!”

Its about finding out the why of it to me..
Why can’t I get past this and be happy in my soul..

I think this is several paragraphs..

Please note... all are welcome to post in this thread.. I put it in the birthfamily support area..
To me all sides of the triangle (that is not a triangle) are connected..

I remember a John Bradshaw show where he had a triangle on the stage and he showed where if one part of the triangle moved the other parts did as well..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who?

I wish I could've changed me. The young me who made so many grievous mistakes. I worry about her. She cost me a great deal - maybe too much. I wish I had a time machine. :-(

[RavenSong]

Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who? Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship.

Gosh, do I have to pick just one person? I can think of a few people in my family who fit this description, lol...

I guess I'll write about my mom. I was going to write about my dad, but then I realized he's dead, so I probably should forget about changing him, lol.

My mom had me when she was very young, 17 years old to be exact. We've had a complicated relationship right from the start. Typical of children who have gone thru emotional and/or physical abuse, I keep hoping for the day that she becomes Olivia Walton or Caroline Ingalls. I know in my head that this will never happen, but my heart keeps waiting for her to magically become a loving, warm, cuddly mother.

My mom uses shame and guilt to manipulate me into doing what she wants. It seems like no matter how many times I've told myself that she's just pushing my buttons, I end up giving in to her. I keep thinking that I just haven't found the secret in life yet on how to have a healthy relationship with her.

I love my mother, but there are so many things I would change in her if I could. The latest thing I've been worrying about is her decision to stop taking her medications for heart disease, hypertension, and diabetes. I've given up trying to talk to her about it...we just end up arguing.

I think I'm in the process of learning how to just accept my mom for who she is, without trying to change her. It's a hard thing to do, though.

[Janeytwo]

I am also thinking of my Sister Susie. There are times when I wish I could change her but I suppose what would be the point? I'd have to bend into twisted shapes to do it. When/if she's ever ready to throw in the towel against the poverty that binds her and shaped us; then maybe I can walk with her. But change her.......I doubt it...

I often ask myself what she's doing in my life; what lesson I'm meant to learn from her. She is foreign to me. It's strange the people she surrounds herself with. They make her crazy. She picks the sterling whites; that's what I call them. Those people who's parents were blue-collar here, standing on the line, wearing steel-toed workboots and blue uniforms and coming home smelling like factories.

Some are proud of that legacy but some? Shoot they're the sterling whites running from their ancestry like horses from a barn fire. They seem ashamed of their parents' legacy (thought I don't know why) and so they buy $400,000 homes with ceramic foyers and marble-top metal hallway tables and tell themselves they're really from Grosse Pointe instead of Eastpointe(East Detroit) or whatever the frig lower-middle class City borders 8 Mile. They can't get past their lower class status and they're running themselves into the ground financially trying to cure their own shame.

When I say I am white trash, I say it without pride or without shame. It is what it is. No one's going to be inviting me to the Country Club anytime soon. So what? Sister Susie can't admit that and I think it's killing her soul.

And I guess I should say this. THere's nothing wrong with coming from poverty and making something of your life. Heck no! But if you forget where you're from - no matter where that is - you lose something vital.

And Sister Susie - she's working hard at forgetting. She's working too hard; surrounding herself with people who wouldn't buy toilet paper unless it had the Vanderbilt seal of approval.

In the end (pun intended) TP only has a couple uses. None of them are pretty. Well...unless you're making pom-poms for a just married sign.........

[quantum]

My dad is classic.
I've tried to please him sometimes, I end up doing all the wrong things most of the times.
I realised though, I cannot change him, but I CAN change how I react to him which in turn makes it harder for him to 'get to me'.

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

I wish I could've changed me. The young me who made so many grievous mistakes. I worry about her. She cost me a great deal - maybe too much. I wish I had a time machine.

I think we do have a time machine.. we can have conversations with ourselves..

From Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps.

Melody Beattie..

Page 222

The Child within (inner child). This popular recovery concept refers to the fact that regardless of our age, we each have a young child within us with all the feelings, fears, complexities, simplicities, and needs we had when we were that age. We may be forty years old, brave, successful, and competent, but inside is a frightened four-year-old who needs a hug, some comforting words, and a ballon. Many of us ignore this child within. That doesn’t work. This child will start acting out and defeating us until we listen. Gradually, we learn how to recognize, listen to, and nurture this part of ourselves..


I can remember coming to the conclusion that some of us are addicted to our pain.. a birthmom staying in the horrible ‘it was done to me’ thinking and just sitting on the resentments going around and around..

page 36


A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that persons behavior..


Such a strong difficult definition on this.. this "I am the tortured dance.".

You wrote..

Some are proud of that legacy but some? Shoot they're the sterling whites running from their ancestry like horses from a barn fire. They seem ashamed of their parents' legacy (thought I don't know why) and so they buy $400,000 homes with ceramic foyers and marble-top metal hallway tables and tell themselves they're really from Grosse Pointe instead of Eastpointe(East Detroit) or whatever the frig lower-middle class City borders 8 Mile. They can't get past their lower class status and they're running themselves into the ground financially trying to cure their own shame.

When I say I am white trash, I say it without pride or without shame. It is what it is. No one's going to be inviting me to the Country Club anytime soon. So what? Sister Susie can't admit that and I think it's killing her soul.

And we can turn away and walk.. as fast as we can from this kind of thinking.. we can change the way we think..
That first step in Alanon.. that what is in that handout you get when you go to a meeting..
When one member of the family is getting better the rest of the family follows..
We do the work on ourselves.. stop that obsessive thinking.. that takes us out every time..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong

Gosh, do I have to pick just one person?

We got lots of time here and I believe that every person triggers us.. or keeps us engaged.. in their own ways..

My mom uses shame and guilt to manipulate me into doing what she wants. It seems like no matter how many times I've told myself that she's just pushing my buttons, I end up giving in to her. I keep thinking that I just haven't found the secret in life yet on how to have a healthy relationship with her.

From Codependents No More.. page 45

REPRESSION

Many codependents:

-push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
-become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
-appear rigid and controlled.


From Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps.. Melody Beattie

Step one

Page 20

(I colored this paragraph in and underlined most of it.. )

“Now I’ve been recovering for a while. As I look back, I can see that although I didn’t feel my feelings—because I didn’t feel them—they, and my unmet needs, controlled me. They drove me, they propelled me. I lived in fear, and my response to that fear was to try and control everyone and everything around me.”
Fear is the undercurrent, the force, for much of what we do that we call control—control of others, ourselves, situations, circumstances, and timing.


So if we face that fear and face that guilt.. and know.. as the first step says.. we are powerless with it..


Page 6 same book

We admitted we were powerless over others—that our lives had become unmanageable..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

My dad is classic.
I've tried to please him sometimes, I end up doing all the wrong things most of the times.
I realised though, I cannot change him, but I CAN change how I react to him which in turn makes it harder for him to 'get to me'.

I can remember when my mom made me nuts.. I would try everything I could when she got into 'it'.. Bradshaw has some things a person can do.. 'Columbling' is one of the ways to do it.. being like that TV detective Colombo.. and just confuse the person till they give up or tell the truth.. and what I tried the most was forgetting what she was saying after she stopped talking.. that did not work..

From Codependent Characteristics..

Codependent No More.. Melody Beattie.. page 49

Weak Boundaries

Codependents frequently:

-say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
-gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
-let others hurt them.
-wonder why they hurt so badly.
-complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
-finally get angry.
-become totally intolerant..
-have an overall passive response to codependency—crying, hurt, helplessness.
-have an overall aggressive response to codependency—violence, anger, dominance.
-combine passive and aggressive responses.
-vacillate in decisions and emotions.
-laugh when they feel like crying.
-stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
-be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
-be confused about the nature of the problem.
-cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
-not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn’t bad enough, or they aren’t important enough.
-wonder why the problem doesn’t go away..


Maybe we can share on any one of these..

Me.. I would cover up, lie, and protect the problem..
I was so afraid to speak out about my life.. when I first went for therapy I did not tell her I had given my son up for adoption.. I had protected the lie in my family.. my sister and I stopped speaking after a few years and she was cut off from myself and my mother and my dad..
Not seek help.. big..

Jackie..

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jackie! Hey Everyone!

I think we do have a time machine.. we can have conversations with ourselves

Wow! That's a powerful answer and a true one. I hadn't noticed it before but I haven't really conversed with myself about all this. I've just sort of been reliving it... rat-a-tat style...like disjointed memories...like an amnesia victim remembers. But I don't suppose I've discussed with myself from a sane, bi-partisan point of view. Discussed it as if I'm someone else in here talking to me. Huh. I'm wondering if that has to do with all those years of coming back from institutionalization. You know....the old....if you talk to yourself you're nuts routine.

This popular recovery concept refers to the fact that regardless of our age, we each have a young child within us with all the feelings, fears, complexities, simplicities, and needs we had when we were that age.

Yeah and that voice says, "Please find a way for this not to happen! Find a way!! Find some way!!" And always under that dang god forsaken clock!! I am going to start an organization called DTIC; death to industrial clocks!! And my first dictate will be to destroy all little white metal-rimmed industrial clocks! They will all now have to be pink or blue.........uhmmmmmmmm.....that was a Fruedian slip. Never mind! They will now have to be gold with purple faces! There!

I can remember coming to the conclusion that some of us are addicted to our pain

Yeah. I think I've used things as a blanket. A sort of "I'll look at this by not looking at it and so then I looked at it, sort of insanity. And Jackie, I'm sick of it!!

And you're right about what you wrote about the 12 Step dogma. I had inquired about starting an ODAT in here, but the AFG was all up about using CAL on non-AlAnon forums. I had to site this and credit that. For crying out loud!!!

Sheesh!!

In the meantime, tonight I will have a conversation with myself about how this all feels, even though the answer scares me.

Love you guys!

[quantum]

I read those 'weak boundaries'
and can check the box 'all of the above' from different times in my life.
I'm feeling better, I'm feeling stronger though. I think I'm less co-dependant now...

I hope I am.

The biggest ones for me:
-laugh when they feel like crying
-stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.

-not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn’t bad enough, or they aren’t important enough.


Not feeling important enough, that's an issue that is a big one for me. A lot of relationships I've been in have just emphasized that.
Don't you think that is also part of what contributes to a lot of us relinquishing? I wasn't in a place to be a good enough mom. I was just a kid. Parts of this decision were too important for me to be involved with.
An ex-husband of mine said different things that still hurt. I want to let them go. When discussing with his band about touring all summer, he had another full time job, I made the 'mistake' of speaking up. He made sure to let me know later 'that was NONE of my business'. When I'd nearly left him a couple of times and things were really bad, he finally quit the band, he made sure to let me know 'I'm not quitting because of you.' (because I'm not important enough to quit for?)

When leaving my second husband all he said to me was 'what am I going to do for money now?' again, I'm not important enough, not me, it wasn't about loving me, it was about paying his rent, his telephone bill.

Now I have two small girls. I am THE most important person to them. I try to be worthy of that. Sometimes it's overwhelming though. I'm not sure I feel quite comfortable being important.

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

On having conversations with ourselves..

You wrote..

Wow! That's a powerful answer and a true one. I hadn't noticed it before but I haven't really conversed with myself about all this. I've just sort of been reliving it... rat-a-tat style...like disjointed memories...like an amnesia victim remembers. But I don't suppose I've discussed with myself from a sane, bi-partisan point of view. Discussed it as if I'm someone else in here talking to me. Huh. I'm wondering if that has to do with all those years of coming back from institutionalization. You know....the old....if you talk to yourself you're nuts routine.

Old wives tales that are not true.. there is an illustration in one of John Bradshaws books of him sitting with his inner child.. little Johnny..
Bradshaw said at one time he had conversations with himself on a daily basis..
The adult talking with the child.. telling the child in him/us that I love him/her no matter what.. no matter what..

A nurturing parent finally coming to help.. give a hug.. give a love and sort some of the things sorted the wrong way around because kids (when trauma happen to them) do not have the depth of understanding to sort things as an adult would..
Seeing where the emotions are taking a person off in another direction.. shame etc..

Yeah and that voice says, "Please find a way for this not to happen! Find a way!! Find some way!!" And always under that dang god forsaken clock!! I am going to start an organization called DTIC; death to industrial clocks!! And my first dictate will be to destroy all little white metal-rimmed industrial clocks! They will all now have to be pink or blue.........uhmmmmmmmm.....that was a Fruedian slip. Never mind! They will now have to be gold with purple faces! There!

Adults that are into them ‘self’ seem to be able to weather the terrible things that happen in life.. seem to be able to know that ‘this will pass’ and all will be well and all things will be well.. again..
Know because of the depth of self knowledge.. the knowing the wisdom of years..
The trouble is we (some of us as always) are still reacting to some of life’s terrible terrible happenings as a child..this without really knowing in our bones that it will pass and there is no blame.. And know that there are some things we cannot control.. or change.. all we can do is wait till its over..

On being addicted to pain.

Yeah. I think I've used things as a blanket. A sort of "I'll look at this by not looking at it and so then I looked at it, sort of insanity. And Jackie, I'm sick of it!!

Ya got to turn around and face it.. IMO
And learn learn the wisdom of those that have walked the path before..

And you're right about what you wrote about the 12 Step dogma. I had inquired about starting an ODAT in here, but the AFG was all up about using CAL on non-AlAnon forums. I had to site this and credit that. For crying out loud!!!

I can remember being at an Alanon meeting and a parent (that had a child addicted to drugs) was told they must find another meeting because this is for those who have a loved one addicted to alcohol..
I got very upset..

But I am doing codependency here.. aka Melody Beattie.. her books..
Codependent No more.. and her twelve steps..
Entire different program.. and I will not be quoting from the Alanon books..
They want to keep it pure and that’s okay.. the meetings help people..

In the meantime, tonight I will have a conversation with myself about how this all feels, even though the answer scares me.

We could do a one day at a time spiritual thing in this thread Janey..
Just not Alanon literature..
I have been to Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings where they used Melody Beatties The Language of Letting Go as a reading..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

Not feeling important enough, that's an issue that is a big one for me. A lot of relationships I've been in have just emphasized that.
Don't you think that is also part of what contributes to a lot of us relinquishing? I wasn't in a place to be a good enough mom. I was just a kid. Parts of this decision were too important for me to be involved with.

I think that feeling of not being good enough has been with me all my life..
“I could have been a contender!” I would say to my sister.. and she would look at me and say.. “You are talking just like mom.. and I wish you would stop it.”
I wanted her approval.. and I always felt I fell short of the mark..

I know affirmations help with this.. but I get lazy and don’t do them..

This from Melody Beattie.. Gratitude.. Affirming the Good Things in Life.. page 17

Affirm Yourself

I used to think affirmations were, well, silly. I have since changed my mind—and my life. I changed my mind because affirmations are a tool that helped me change my life.

To “affirm” means to say positively, declare firmly, or assert to be true. The concept of using affirmations is closely connected to another term, empowerment. To “empower” means to give ability to, enable, or permit.

Through the messages we received in our family of origin, through living with the “rules,” being shamed, being deprived, many of us have developed a repertoire of negative ideas about ourselves, other people, and even about life. We may have said, thought, and believed these messages for years. We may have a disciplined ritual for changing these messages. Many of us have repeated these beliefs so long that we’ve internalized them.. The negative messages have become so embedded in our subconscious they have manifested themselves in our lives. They’ve become our premises, our truths, and therefore our reality.


She goes on to say we can change that old negative thinking..
And I agree that because we are so negative (some of us) we give our children up because we absolutely believe we are not good enough..
I know I believed that.. I never even questioned keeping him.. the challenge I had was to abort or relinquish..
I fought the abort.. and forced myself into some learning..

An ex-husband of mine said different things that still hurt. I want to let them go. When discussing with his band about touring all summer, he had another full time job, I made the 'mistake' of speaking up. He made sure to let me know later 'that was NONE of my business'. When I'd nearly left him a couple of times and things were really bad, he finally quit the band, he made sure to let me know 'I'm not quitting because of you.' (because I'm not important enough to quit for?)

I think we pick our mates from that place of negativity.. I married the one that was tossed out of the bars after closing.. that skated on the edge of total failure.. and I wondered why I was living this life with him.. when my childhood was so chaotic.

When my husband quit drinking and acting out in 1985 I used to be ready for him to act out.. vigilant..waiting for it..
Waiting for the crazy difficult time again..
It was in me.. I finally got it that it was me.. that was heading into the negativity.. I chose it.. and I lived it..

When leaving my second husband all he said to me was 'what am I going to do for money now?' again, I'm not important enough, not me, it wasn't about loving me, it was about paying his rent, his telephone bill.

Its about loving ourselves and doing those affirmations that Beattie speaks of.. immersing ourselves into positive thinking of ourselves..
Loving ourselves to put up boundaries and saying no to the one that wants to use us.. “No I wont.. and I am not afraid of being left alone.”

Now I have two small girls. I am THE most important person to them. I try to be worthy of that. Sometimes it's overwhelming though. I'm not sure I feel quite comfortable being important.

Its old tapes..

Its doing the work of changing what we think of ourselves..

Jackie

[LyndzyBloo]

Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who? Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship.

There are many different people who have affected my life but there is only two I worry and wish I could change.

My mother was a wonderful women don't get me wrong but she sat there and ignored my struggle growing up. From the time I can remember till I was 14 I was being beaten, raped, and molested by her husband (my Step father "Steve"). My mother didn't have the strenght enough to leave even though she knew about my abuse and everything else and she herself was being abused by him. I wish I could have just given her the strength to leave him instead of enduring all that pain and making me go through it as well.

I wish I could change my brother most of all. My brother was young when my mom died and then he was kicked out. He also knew about everything my mother and I were enduring but he chose not to bother him and he would often leave the house. Now my brother is almost 30 and to this day he still won't talk about my mother. He will not even touch the subject and when I bring it up, he shuts me out and changes the conversation. I wish I could show my brother that he's not a bad guy and by expressing any feelings about my mother isn't going to to make him look weak in any kind of way.

Steve effected my life in so many ways its hard to comprehend. He beat me for no reason making me think that I was always wrong and insignficant. He raped me and molested me to the point, where I see sex as a chore and not something fun or exciting. He called me so many names pulling my self esteem down the tubes, and making me think that I was "stupid" and that "the dog's smarter than me" and that "my mother doesn't/never loved me". He's made me so paranoid about men and have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), that I got discharged from the Army because I blacked out everytime I was yelled at by a male Drill Sergeant. He tore apart my family and denies every minute of it. I went to school with black eye's and blue handprints on my face!!! I lived off the streets for two years because he refused to help me even though he put me through all that! If I could go back or if I could change him at all, I'd either kill him or stick him in jail so he knows what its like to be held down and have somebody else stick it to him!

I'm sorry everybody

[Jackiejdajda]

They say at a meeting that the newest member is the most important member at the meeting..
Welcome.. to our thread.. and meeting..

LyndzyBloo

There are many different people who have affected my life but there is only two I worry and wish I could change.

My mother was a wonderful women don't get me wrong but she sat there and ignored my struggle growing up. From the time I can remember till I was 14 I was being beaten, raped, and molested by her husband (my Step father "Steve"). My mother didn't have the strenght enough to leave even though she knew about my abuse and everything else and she herself was being abused by him. I wish I could have just given her the strength to leave him instead of enduring all that pain and making me go through it as well.

I am so sorry you had to go through what you went though in your childhood.. It must have been terrible..

I wish I could change my brother most of all. My brother was young when my mom died and then he was kicked out. He also knew about everything my mother and I were enduring but he chose not to bother him and he would often leave the house. Now my brother is almost 30 and to this day he still won't talk about my mother. He will not even touch the subject and when I bring it up, he shuts me out and changes the conversation. I wish I could show my brother that he's not a bad guy and by expressing any feelings about my mother isn't going to to make him look weak in any kind of way.

You are writing about what happened..
Dealing with our past is so darn important.. going back and sorting all the terrible things that happened through therapy or journaling..

There are some good books out there.. on how to recover from all this..
Alice Miller is prime..

I am using Melody Beatties book.. Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps.. in this thread.. and in the back of that book there are lists of books to help a person that has gone through what you have gone through..

Steve effected my life in so many ways its hard to comprehend. He beat me for no reason making me think that I was always wrong and insignficant. He raped me and molested me to the point, where I see sex as a chore and not something fun or exciting. He called me so many names pulling my self esteem down the tubes, and making me think that I was "stupid" and that "the dog's smarter than me" and that "my mother doesn't/never loved me". He's made me so paranoid about men and have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), that I got discharged from the Army because I blacked out everytime I was yelled at by a male Drill Sergeant. He tore apart my family and denies every minute of it. I went to school with black eye's and blue handprints on my face!!! I lived off the streets for two years because he refused to help me even though he put me through all that! If I could go back or if I could change him at all, I'd either kill him or stick him in jail so he knows what its like to be held down and have somebody else stick it to him!

I'm sorry everybody

I thank you for sharing.. I urge you to share more..
What happened to you is going to affect your life.. has to.. must.. but I bet you can turn it around and work on yourself..
Was Steve an addict or an alcoholic? There are meetings you can go to in your journey to whole..
Adult Children of Alcoholic.. I have been to ACA meetings and I have heard the shares similar to what you have shared here..
I say fight for your recovery.. work every darn day to get right with yourself and change what this terrible man has done to you..

I am glad you are here..

Can you share on how these terrible things have affected your life? Do you think you react in a negaive way towards some people or all people?


Jackie

[LyndzyBloo]

Thank you for the recommendation Jackie and yes I do plan on going through a lot of counsling since I've never gone through any yet.

Was Steve an addict or an alcoholic?

I'd probably feel a lot better to say that Steve was an addict or an alcoholic to give myself some reason why he did those things to me and my mom. The truth is he never drank/did drugs as far as I know. He used to beat my mother for being an alcoholic and having Vodka in the house so she started having me hide the bottles for her.

Can you share on how these terrible things have affected your life? Do you think you react in a negaive way towards some people or all people?

My whole life I've doubted myself and never had confidence. I have a very hard time trusting a lot of people including my family. I grew up thinking that what George did was normal and acceptable, and in my later years when i was raped by two different other people I shrugged it off and acted like it wasn't a big deal. These were people I was leaning on for help while I was homeless. Until recently I would never open up to anyone and I'm hesitant about being in any kind of relationships because of trust and because I look at sex as a chore really. Growing up I used to beat myself up in school by hitting myself and chocking myself. When I was 14 I tried to kill myself and then I endulged myself in the wrong crowed and I was doing all sorts of drugs; crack, cocaine, pot, acid, mushrooms, meth, pills, inhalents, but during that time I never touched herion and alcohol because of my mother. I trusted no one in school not even my teachers who were there to help me. I almost dropped out multiple times because I didn't have the will to continue doing good in my lfe. What happened in my childhood had/has such a negative effect on my life. I have multiple disorders involving axiety and PTSD, and I still haven't felt the feeling of being safe.

I have been told a few times that I react differently towards people because of a lack of trust or just that social axiety that I have. I wouln't say that it's negative, usually it comes off as shy but then those who know me say i'm the most outgoing person ever! Sometimes it's hard to have conversations because it may be a word, a smell, or even if the topic is close to what happened to me, my PTSD kicks in and depending on how bad it is I may start crying or worse black out. During my black outs, i'm completly unaware of whats happening. I can remember one time with my best friend Matt (who I talk about a lot because he is the only guy I trust), we we're at a restraunt and he mentioned something and it driggered a black out and apparently i threw a chair and screamed. I don't remember any of that.

I hate to say this but i still talk to Steve on a very respectable level for one reason. His son ben was born the same year as my abortion and I love Ben. That child means more to me than anything....(well except my own little one on the way) But I'm so thankful for that little guy that I still talk to Steve even though I hate him so much. I never go and visit Steve alone though I always take Matt with me.

But thank you for taking the time to read all that and this and for recommending a book that may help. I appreciate that your very understanding and not judgemental.


Lyndz