[RavenSong]

Janey, you gotta love those AA old-timers...God bless 'em all. They'll always tell you exactly where you stand in terms of working your program. Although I have respect for the other Twelve-Step programs, it's AA that doesn't mess around. I almost always refer drug addicts to AA instead of NA, especially if they're dual addicts (booze & dope). It just seems to me that there are fewer people who continually relapse in AA than there are in NA. Plus, the old-timers will always tell you like it is...they don't ever B.S. anyone.

I agree with you, buddy. It seems a few of us have created a type of informal Twelve-Step program for birthmoms here. I've often thought we should look into the possibility of creating a formal one for us, but I'm just not sure that the response would be all that great. I don't know how many birth/first mothers we could get to come out of hiding. I do know, however, that a few of us here found ourselves dealing with our birthmom issues in the rooms of AlAnon, AA, and CoDA. And I know for a fact that the Twelve Steps have been an enormous help to me as far as relinquishment/adoption stuff goes.

Thanks for sharing about how far down you went when you lost yourself. That's so scary how you just didn't care anymore about anybody. It sounds like you must have had a great deal of pain to get to that point. I'm glad you made it back out, bud.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Raven! Hey All!

I'm doing this a little out of order to your response Raven, hope that's okay.

That's so scary how you just didn't care anymore about anybody. .... I'm glad you made it back out, bud.

I'm glad I made it back too! And it was scray to share that. Talk about having your jugular exposed outside of a meeting room but, oh well ya know......I figure somebody out there read that and was nodding their head.

Anyhoo....

I've often thought we should look into the possibility of creating a formal one for us,.... I don't know how many birth/first mothers we could get to come out of hiding.

I had had this same thought and wanted to call us "The Hester Prynne Society." Perhaps we can do that? Call ourselvs the Hestery Prynne Society - currently at two members but hopefully to be joined by others as we go along!!

I know for a fact that the Twelve Steps have been an enormous help to me as far as relinquishment/adoption stuff goes.

I found two passages in the ODAT re. Step 2 that I thought related well (for me) in my journey through adoption.

Pg. 168. My despair may have been so great that I had lost the faith I once had-the complete surrendering faith in something beyond myself

You know what adoption took from me for many years? My faith in dreams; the dreams of girlhood. The dreams of a love; a one true love. The dreams of marraige and commitment. Of course, in reality those dreams were already being destroyed by my childhood and by my own subsequent actions in my teens in relation to childhood.

But relinquishment; that final act of signing? That cemented my understanding that love for quote/unquote "a girl like me" was beyond my grasp, beyond my hopes. I was a marked woman, with a capital "S" on my forehead. For one such as me, there would be no white picket fence. Hell, there would be no fence at all.

And I lived under the mark of society's shame with a belief that I was to be removed from society (hence my basement) and that God was glaring down on me in disgust. I was Hester Prynne.


Pg. 265 With my thoughts distorted by fear, despair and resentment, and my nerves overwrought, I could not think clearly nor make wise decisions

This to me speaks of the outcome of the adoption of my daughter and son. Because after that I would not say my decisions were wise. They were about survival only and how I was to look in the eyes of others. Heck that's not even making decisions, that's simply putting one foot in front of the other and slogging along.

My thoughts were distorted by fear: "What will people think if they FIND OUT about me!!"

My thoughts were distorted by despair: "I have committed the worst sin possible. I have failed my children!"

My thoughts were distorted by resentment: "Only 'decent women' get to be mommy's! Only women from those fine homes! And I hate them for it and I wish they'd all fall from grace!"

My nerves were overwrought because it took so much energy to be the right shade of respectable on the outside while on the inside I felt like the scum white-trash I'd always been. (Don't worry I'm trying not to call myself that anymore.)

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

It was only when I finally understood that God loved me and that he didn't have a "Club" that I began to emerge from the prison I'd made for myself.

Love you guys!

Oh and P.S. Just a reminder to me and all who read the book, Hester Prynne became a revered "wise woman" of her village; one whose voice many sought in coming to understand themselves. So all of us here on all points.......we are all Hester Prynne. :-)

[quantum]

I read this post and I think about how much I still have refused to really face.

Truth Janey. Truth.

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

I read this post and I think about how much I still have refused to really face.

Quamtum: I read this that you wrote my dear friend and thought immediately of a passage from Robert Frost's famous work: Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

((( Quantum )))

This is on Step 2...page 265 ODAT:

Although most of us do not acknowledge a "Power greater than ourselves", we are shocked at first by the idea that we need to be "restored to sanity" as the Second Step suggests.

In adoption, I sort of....ooo man, how can I put this....? I sort of lived "under" God, not "with" Him. I'm sure that sounds totally nuts.

Uhmm...I entrusted the care of my children to Him and trusted that He knew what to do, but I also apologized for having the nerve to even call on Him, street slime that I was.

My children were deserving of His infinite compassion but I wasn't. I was the daughter who'd failed Him in every way. And so I lived beneath Him, separate, acknowledging His existence but not accepting that my life could in any way measure up to His love.

And I think this was a way to sentence myself to prison. An excuse perhaps to not forgive myself. After all, if even God thought I was filth, than I didnt' have to embrace the pain that I was in.

It was a tremendous struggle to believe that God forgave. See, he forgave the decent folk. They got a pass. People like me? It was okay to reach out to Him for the sake of others, but I, in and of myself, was ****ed.

I think that is what I have always meant by the "vampire existence". Walking eternally in the shadows without the light of God.

Dramatic to some? Perhaps. That's for them to think. I only know what I have lived.

But one day, I was forced to go to AlAnon. All else that I had tried failed and so I drove to this church where they were having a meeting. And I stared up at the cross on that church and said, "Look, we both I'm scum. But if You'll just let me go into that church and get some help, I promise I will run from this place and not spend one more minute than necessary tainting it."

Some five years later, I would meditate and in that meditation, I would see Jesus and He would ask me, "Janey, why can't you love yourself?"

I was a woman who'd relinquished two children. I was once a young teen girl who slept around. What right did I have to love myself?

It would not be until I had a conversation with a sponsor some weeks later that I would have an epiphany.

"Janey," she said, "did you notice that Jesus didn't ask why don't you think God loves you? He asked why you can't love yourself."

And I said, "Yeah. So?"

And she said, "Jesus is telling you that God already loves you. He always has. That was never the problem. You just have to learn to love yourself."

Sorry guys...I'm crying pretty hard right now. I'll have to finish this later.

I love you guys!

[quantum]

I'm wondering if this is why I'm struggling so much with my spirituality...

[RavenSong]

Hey, guys... I was going to post on our thread here, but I'm pretty upset over what happened this morning with one of our members who was threatening suicide. I didn't get any sleep, and I'm gonna go grab a nap. I'll post later on tonight on my thoughts on the Second Step.

Some days just suck.... Why does it have to be so darn hard on birth/first moms?

[Janeytwo]

Hey Raven! :-)

It's stuff like what happened today that only helps to cement my belief in the wisdom of Bill and Bob.

The longtimers in the Programs, this is why they're there, why they come through the doors year after year. Because they know what they're up against, buddy.

And so maybe they reach the point where it's not just about their own Recovery anymore.

Addiction claims lives.

And apparently so does all of this.

Sounds trite when I read that back to myself. I sure don't meant it to.

This last week and the two birthmothers who've wanted to die; it has been upsetting to me personally as well. It has been like a stab in my own heart watching another woman suffer that way.

And frightening too, you know? Because the power of my denial was massive and so what lies behind it? What does it have the strength to do if I don't address it until it's too late?

Shoot, you know what? Next to this stuff, heroin and booze are lightweights. That's scary to say.

Maybe that's not reality but that's how it feels and that's why I am so thankful that you suggested opening this thread back up. This is my lifeline and, just my opinion, I think it's important to acknowledge to myself that, yes...just like heroin and booze and codependency on another.....this stuff can kill me if I'm not on top of it.

So I keep sharing and I'm happy when you guys share back.

And somewhere out there in the e-verse; out in the "white noise", there's others reading. The silent ones who sit at the Tables, not speaking but hearing.

Maybe that's how we learn to live with the grief that sometimes takes others down.

Like the old-timers do. One Day At A Time, my friend.

St. Francis was wise.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

[quantum]

I know.
And reading about the depths of despair some of our sisters are falling to, I feel so helpless.

And so angry at the people who made us feel this choice would be easy. That we could go on with our lives as normal. How dare they.

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

I was thinking that this has been a rough week for me emotionally with what happened and so I thought I'd pick up the ODAT and find a couple of passages on despair and then on faith.

It seemed appropriate somehow.

On despair: Pg. 28 God does not deprive us of His love. We deprive Him of our cooperation

God had been trying for years to reach me over the adoptions; and I mean flagrant "in your face" type of reaching. Heck, he even sent a nun for crying out loud! A nun! You'd think that someone raised to despise religion (which I don't by the way) would've at least seen the irony in that. But nooooooooo....

In fact, I can think of 3 separate occassions when He was out-and-out shouting at me, waving His arms.... "Hello!! Heaven to Janey!!! Pick up the dang phone dumb-a**!!"

But I was so far down in the basement God didn't even register. You know when my friend "D" went through all that with his bmom that I wrote of when I first came in here? Well, I was along for that entire ride (months of struggle on his part) and it never occurred to me that that had anything at all to do with anything in my experience. Nah! That must've been some other loser.

And D even said, "I'm so glad you're here with me on all this, Janey. You can understand better than anyone else I think." And I looked at him blankly and said, "What d'ya mean?"

God simply could not reach me. The phone was disconnected. My despair was a deep hole in the ground, surrounded by thick rat walls, broken duct-taped windows and the overhead lights were dim and kept blinking on and off.

Finally, God had to pick up a little metal-rimmed clock and chuck it at my head. And I had to be ready to feel that, ya know? I had to be at the point in my life where I rubbed the back of my skull and said, "That hurt!!! What the frig was that?!!"

31 years as Fortunato bricked up by my lesser self.


[u]On faith. Pg. 62.[/U] ...the way we approach our problems is important, however they may have overwhelmed us before we learned how to deal with them

See...after God hit me with that clock of awareness, then I had to do two things. 1.) I had to admit that I had relinquished two children and that that nightmarish reality wasn't in some far off life that belonged to this other Janey whom I thought I buried for good. That reality belonged to me.

2.) I had to understand that I could no longer run from that deafening pain I knew I was in waaaaayyyy down deep in that place I feared to tread. The truth, as Quantum so elegantly phrased it.

And I remember sitting here at my keyboard, staring at the Internet's various choices on the word "adoption" that I had just typed....staring at adoption.com's website, finger on the mouse, and saying too myself, "God, you're asking for a lot here even for You!! You're not just asking me to trust you - which I do. You're asking me to trust other people. You do understand that right? You're asking me to trust the homosapiens! Are you friggin nuts! Do you now what they're capable of?"

And God said, "Yes, Janey I do. and No. Janey, I'm not asking you to trust them. I'm asking you to trust yourself. And that's what scares the wits out of you. Now...take the cotton out of your ears, put it in your ego and double click on that first choice there...adoption.com. And by the way, you're a homosapien too. I'd suggest you not forget that!"

And me return, "All right I'll do it! But if these people hurt me, I'm holding You personally responsible!!"

And God said, "Yeah. You and everyone else on the Planet!!"

Faith in God, faith in others, faith in myself.

That basement I built had some major steps to climb. No thanks to me!!

[Janeytwo]

Hey everyone!

The rare times that I have shared my history over the years, there have been a few souls who've said, "Wow! You're so brave to have given up your kids!" I haven't brought those people to task for saying what they say. I've always simply believed that they don't know how to react and that they're trying to be kind, trying to understand. And that such statements are all they have by way of either.

So I have only quietly smiled and hung my head at those moments and said, "Thank you but I don't feel brave."

And, you know, I never have. It is easy to make decisions when my back is against the proverbial wall. Decisions made in the greyer areas of living; those are the tough calls. Everything else, to me, has merely been me doing what I felt I had to do.

But I was thinking about how some folks see us as martyrs, or perhaps how some of us view ourselves that way. I personally have never been comfortable with the term because - to me - it implies a surrender of my very life to a higher ideal. I cannot say that I picture relinquishment in that light for I have not been Nelson Mandela or a protestor at Tianamen Square or the man on the street who takes a bullet for someone else. I did what I did for the sake of my children; not for the sake of strangers.

So I looked up the term martyrdom in the ODAT and this is a prayer that I found there on page 13:

God guide me to make the right decision and give me the fortitude to cling to it against all pressures and persuasions.

That was really it for me you know. When I dropped to my knees, young, pregnant and poor and said, "God. I can't do this alone! I can't do it at all! Not without you! I surrender my life into your care, please help me to do what is right in my mind and carry me through."

I have spent over my half my life since, clinging to my decision against the pressures of society and the opinions of those who try to persuade me of who I am because of what I did. Is that then a kind of martyrdom because I wasted what time I had worrying about how I looked to those around me? I do not know.

At the top of page 13, there is a missive which reads:

When will I realize that I need not permit society to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair?

Indeed. I am coming to understand -just as Step 2 asks us to "come to believe" - that no one can force me to look down on myself for being a birthmother. Hell, for being most anything, really. I alone have looked down on who I am/who I was and that I must continue to amend because that is martyrdom gone awry of its purpose.

As Booker T. Washington said - I cannot hold a man down, without staying down there with him. And that applies to myself as equally as to others.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Everybody!

From the ODAT Pg. 85:

Silence.... Used in times of reflection and meditation it is a blessing. But it has other uses not so beneficient. ....A grim and furious silence can be more crushing and wounding than harsh words. Such a silence is motivated by the desire to punish. It is the fruit of bitterness and resentment.

There is a movie - a fairly entertaining one if you ignore the more "teeny bopper" aspects of it (the music's good). The movie's called Pump Up the Volume. In it Christian Slater invokes a brilliant final line. "Talk Hard"

These adjectives used to describe silence in the above passage: "furious, grim" I don't know about anyone reading this (quite frankly I'm not sure anyone IS reading this - LOL!) but that's a fairly accurate description of who I was in the years after relinquishment. Furious and grim. I hid those ugly sentiments under "socially acceptable coupon clipper extraodinaire" and "whiter than any other formal-dinner throwing white girl in town".

But in the deep dark hole of denial, furious and grim was the truth of it.

My psyche was a face and that face was a clenched jaw with flint-hard eyes that refused to acknowledge the terrible sorrow that bit at it heels on any given hour.

In the background, the truth whispered: "Here I am and I'm devastating! You have two children." And behind it the street refrain, "Run suckah! There's a 30-aught-6 pointed at your head!"

And when I'd feel that war coming to the forefront, I'd simply go to the linen closet and get out the rags and the Windex and clean the glass. I did not want to see the street behind me; the rundown clapboarded places. I wanted to see the lawns in front of my eyes; the ones that were trim and well-maintained. So I would wipe the glass and drift away, into the silence. Refusing by sheer will to feel. The silence was a liar's place; a glossy place of the kind that exists in calendars of exotic beaches a person looks at from their office cubicle. They just know that's not their reality but they tell themselves it is just the same, because anything is better than this crap.

The silence has been my master long enough.

I am Janey. I did not surrender twins, I relinquished a son and daughter whom I will love beyond my death.

Between the ages of 14 and 19 I lived a street life because I didn't have the nads to live at home and endure it.

Between the ages of 16 and 19 1/2, I had 3 children with 3 diffferent guys.

I was that girl you whispered about in hallways. I was that girl you passed in the street with the dirty knees and stringy hair and you wondered where my parents were. I was that girl looking for a miracle in a dumpster.

I am Janey. And I'm done with the silence....come what may.


"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence


Simon and Garfunkel

Talk Hard
Pump Up the Volume

[RavenSong]

Bravo, my dear friend, bravo... Breaking the silence, telling your story the way it really went down...awesome. I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

On a side note, I sent those same Simon and Garfunkel lyrics to my mother when I was 14 years old and living with my dad. They upset her so much that she immediately phoned my father. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that my deeply thought-out letter actually coincided with Mother's Day that year. I can see why she took offense, lol...

[shadow riderer]

Thumbs up.

[GA Songbird]

Hey Janey,
I got to thinking about what you said about the "glossy place" - and I think we all have one.
Sometimes, reality is just too hard and too ugly to look at - so we gloss over the ugliness......we become the shiny-white versions of ourselves and hide where we've been.

The sad fact is that most of us have been to that rock-bottom place, in all it's ugly glory. It takes someone strong of will to own it, to be humble enough to admit it, to examine it up close and to do the work it requires to find that light again.......
I admire you - just for being you.

I could see you standing in a strong surf - waves crashing all around, sea-spray stinging your eyes, your hair, wild and tangled, whipping in the wind........and amidst the violent onslaught, you scream, clinch your fist, and say, "that's it, beat me down all you want.....but you'll NEVER take me under"!!!!!
You have the spirit of a survivor!
I just had a flash of Scarlett doing her "as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again" speech -

Ah, you see, that kind of determination comes when we've resolved that we'll no longer be beaten down by that kind of pain or circumstance.
That's what I see in your spirit.
And it's inspiring -

That's getting on with life, before the teethmarks it already left in your behind have even healed!!!!!

My reality has been that my healing is completely hinged on my faith - or lack of it - depending on my outlook. I try to remember that all of life is just one big spiritual battle - and that my adversary wants me to stay down, real deep, in that hole of misery.

I was reading a book about David - the giant slayer - and the book was about slaying our own giants in life. I learned that where I keep my focus has alot to do with overcoming those giants.
It was a book written by Max Lucado and it was for teens, but I wanted to read it myself - before giving it to my son. (I didn't mind though, I find all of his writing empowering when I need to get that resolve again)!
Anyway, the times David succeeded, he had kept his focus on God, his higher power - the times he failed, his focus was on the giant matter at hand.

Janey, we've all had those dark moments if we've done any living, at all! The beauty is in the recognition of where we were and then having the faith to overcome it. We can conquer through faith......
One of my favorite scriptures is when the Lord said "My strength is made perfect in weakness"......He achieves what we can't - that measure of perfection. Faith is key......finding it, growing it and then hanging on to it when the storms come -
I believe your "giant" was the sorrow and bitterness and that no amount of the "shiny-white-Janey's life" could take those ugly feelings away - no amount of anything - until you started listening and then started to wonder if maybe God was telling you something. A journey to recovery always begins when we recognize that we are wrong in our thinking. I believe all along that God was telling you that it was o.k. to forgive yourself. I feel you.......I've been there. I've torn down happiness with my own two hands from anger and resentment!!! When I think of how much time I've lost by being so miserable, by dwelling there in that hole, I could kick myself!!! But Janey, you see all that now from the outside looking in - your journey to inner-peace is already underway - this new Janey has found that faith and resolve - the new you has grown beyond where you were then - and even teaches others how to express their feelings!
Thank-you! Yes, of course we're listening......
Rock on!
GA Songbird

[Janeytwo]

Hey Everyone!

Thank you for responding to this particular post. I mean that!

GA Songbird

Anyway, the times David succeeded, he had kept his focus on God, his higher power - the times he failed, his focus was on the giant matter at hand.

I've always loved the story of David. Oddly enough, this is one of the rare religious stories that my mother quotes from time to time. (Though she always added her famous footnote: "Just remember that the world's bibles are all just books of parables. None of that ever really happened.) LOL!

But doubt is a powerful giant to slay. It has taken me near a year to speak in this place; to speak the truth of my life. Because I have waited, even in here, for hatred. I apologize for that. I was just afraid my friends and fear is difficult to face at times.

we've all had those dark moments if we've done any living, at all!

Well said Georgia!! Funny...you guys know what just popped into my head as I read what Georgia wrote?

I heard myself say, "Yeah she's right! It's like our beloved Aretha up here in Motown. Aretha never calls herself a woman from the street. She calls herself The Queen of Soul"

Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross...all the greats of Motown who came out of the projects, voices clear and strong and set the world on fire.

Maybe in the end even when we have no money, no status...still we have a voice.

No more silence.

Raven Loved the Mom's Day story! LOL! Good grief!!