[quantum]

There's been some discussions on some other threads about grandparents 'rights' to adopt their grandchildren. About the baby's 'rights' to be raised by blood relatives and so on.

Some responses have been upsetting me on some levels, so I thought I'd start a new thread to discuss.

Personally, I don't believe in ultimatums and don't like people stating them to me. For example hearing 'it's always best for a child to be raised by blood relatives' has actually upset me. I mean, in an ideal world, sure. Under ideal circumstances, sure! Personally, looking back on things and still feeling like with all things considered, adoption was best for my son, it would NOT have been best for my parents to adopt him.
They aren't bad people. They make a good living, they aren't physically abusive, they have a lot of love to give BUT I know that my dad did not want to take my son. I would have had to endure (and my son as well) years of resentment. My dad would have had to stay in an extremely stressful job, one which really strained his relationship with my brother and I. There are a lot of 'issues' around child raising. I don't like a lot of the methods and pressures they put on me. Things that I'm making concious efforts to avoid as I raise my daughters. I want to break the cycle!
Anyway, my belief is that my son, who is a well adjusted 23 year old with a loving mom, stepmom, dad and birthmom, would have ended up pretty messed up and emotionally scarred from being raised as my brother in my family.
So, why do I feel the need to post this? Because when I read some posters saying it was my parents right to raise my son and it was his right to be raised by them, well frankly I feel guilty. THEN I get p'o'd because why the heck should I?? It was my right as well as my obligation as the mother of my child to make the best decision I could as far as how he should be raised.

Yes, I wish I'd known more! Yes, I wish I could have done it myself. My real choice would have been (I think) is to have an open or semi-open adoption.

What about you though? Opinions welcome, trashing individuals for having them is not.

[BrandyHagz]

My personal opinion is that the woman making an adoption plan has the right to make whatever decision she feels is best for her and her unborn (or born) child.

There is no across the board right or wrong answer. Every situation is unique and different, for just about everything related to adoption.

Any time you use blanket statements, regardless of what they are, you stand the chance to offend someone…

[BethanyB]

I also feel that it is a womans right to choose who she wants to raise her child. If adoption was right for you in your situation that is great.

In the other thread you are talking about, the child in question was taken by the state due to the parents abuse and/or neglect and placement had to be decided by the state because the parents did not want to give up their rights. It was suggested that the child should not live with his bio grandmother because of her age. Some felt age alone should not tear a child out of its bio family. That is a different issue altogether.

If, God forbid my childs child was taken by the state against my childs will, I would want to keep that child in the family if I could.

I dont believe in keeping a child in the bio family no matter what. Especially in instances of abuse, but if the parents wished to keep the child in the family, I do think the state needs to consider family first.

[birdeez4]

Actually, I've read two different threads on 'grandparent' rights. One deals with the state taking a child and placement occurring with an elderly grandparent; the other thread deals with someone whose parents want to adopt her baby and raise him/her as their own.

My opinion agrees with some of the others: you can't make a blanket statement about whether it is best for the child or not, without knowing the specific circumstances/personalities/wishes of the people involved. Best case scenario: Grandparents want the child, they are in reasonably good health, the birthmother and birthfather are comfortable with the situation, then definitely the grandparents would be the ideal candidates. But.... if the grandparents don't want to raise the child, they are in poor health and can't care for themselves, let alone a child, or the birthparents aren't comfortable with the situation (or actually any other reason that I can't think of right now), then I don't think the best interests of the child are served by placing with the grandparents.

I, too, have problems with statements that blood relatives are ALWAYS the best place for a child. I do understand why some people feel that way, but it's just not something I can agree with. There are circumstances that merit removing a child from their biological home and placing with non-related individuals.

[BethanyB]

I didnt hear anyone who did say that blood relatives are always the better placement. I think some people read into that based on other things that were said.

You can never say always to something like that because there are many different factors in each individual case.

[BrandyHagz]

The thread regarding the "Elderly Grandparent" has been closed. Any further mention of that thread, resulting in the invitation of bringing a closed debate to this thread, will be deleted and the thread closed.

[Mommy24]

Quantum, I agree! My mother was extremely hurt and disappointed when she found out that I had placed HER grandchild without consulting with her first. One of the reasons I didn't discuss it with her was the knowledge that if she knew I was pregnant and considering adoption she would have fought to try and raise him herself. I have a wonderful mom, but I felt she had done her job, she raised her children and IMO didn't need to raise her grandchildren. For her to have raised him would have meant that she would have had to continue to work the way she had for the 7 years prior as a single mom, it would have likely meant me trying to co-parent, it would have taken her status of "grandma" away and honestly, when I envisioned my children I never thought "Oh, my mom will raise them", rather I thought " Oh, my mom will bake cookies, spoil them and send them home".

Bottom line, I got myself into the situation, it was my RIGHT to handle it the way I felt it needed to be handle. Of course, hindsight, I do wish someone would have encouraged me to tell someone other than birthfather, but that is another thread

[quantum]

The thread I was referring to someone trying to figure out her options.
Grandparent adoption is definately an option! I just felt like some posters were really pressuring this girl that this was the way to go and it made me wonder how others felt about it!

[thanksgivingmom]

My parents would have pushed the "marriage and parent" angle - not one without the other mind you - marriage would have ABSOLUTELY been part of the equation....uh, no thanks. Had "we" needed help though Mom would have stepped in - but like Michelle said, my parents raised a bunch of kids - they have over a dozen other grandkids already as well. Them parenting my child wouldn't have worked for any of us (I don't think).

I think that only we know our own family. Any advice that's really "This is THE way to do something" isn't helpful in my book.

For some, YES, grandparent adoption is a great "solution". For others, nope, not gonna work.

[MamaS]

I am the adoptive mother of two grown daughters in their 20's and the adoptive "mother" of my own grandson (age 5). When my daughter announced her pregnancy(age 18) I told her the choices were hers -- abortion, adoption plan or parenting -- and I would support whatever she chose. She chose to parent and I supported her to the extent of using my savings to buy her a house and pay all her bills for two years. At the end of that time she was supposed to get a job or return to college (which I also offered to pay for). Instead she announced she had "missed out" on her fun years, left the baby with me and went off to "find herself".
I DO NOT RESENT my grandson. I adopted him to give him protection from DFCS and to cover him with my insurance and social security. He still calls me "Grandma" and is not aware he was adopted. Later, we will explain.
What I DO worry about is the fact that I have very little savings and I cannot do for him what I would like to do. Also, with my health problems and age I can't do things with him (ride a bike, kick a football) that a younger mother/father could do.
Right now, he is fine. He says we are "best friends" and we "help each other". He runs to bring me my cane when he sees me stand up, and always opens the car door for me to get in or out. But, when will he look at other families and wish for a Dad to take him fishing or a Mom to play ball with? Already he wants things I cannot afford that all the other kids in his class have. He has been to seven birthday parties in rented venues (swim party, bowling party, etc.) and he has started talking about his birthday. There is no way I can afford to pay for that kind of party! He used to be happy with an ordered-in pizza and a homemade birthday cake. If I tell him we cannot afford it, he will accept that, but will he understand? I just feel so guilty that I am depriving him of the life he could have had. Maybe my love is NOT enough?

[karla-k]

MamaS, please don't feel guilty that you can't give your grandson all the material things the world has to offer. Sometimes life is not fair and your grandson has an opportunity to become a very thankful and gracious person because of the love you do have to offer.

There was a thread (somewhere in this world) about a girl and her teenage boyfriend who found themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. Both were wanting an adoption plan, but the boy's parents think they have a "right" to the baby because they are the grandparents.

Grandparents are sometimes a good option for a child, but not just because they are grandparents. They would be a good option if they would make good parents to the child, period. Being related by blood does not make you automatically a good parent.

My cousin placed her baby girl for adoption several years ago. My whole family went berserk and were so hurt because she didn't give the baby to any of them. I have so much respect for my cousin because she wanted something better than what she had growing up and had the courage to stand up to family and do what she thought was best for her baby, which in her mind, was not her parents, sister, cousins, etc. raising this child.

Karla
Only waiting on our USCIS approval for our Kyrgyzstan adoption

[RobinKay]

This is such an important issue. I did read that someone felt "blood relatives" are always the best option. I cannot agree with that for several reasons.

One is personal experience-my husband is adopted as are his siblings. My MIL could not conceive a child so adoption was their only option to have a family. My husband is a wonderful person as is his sister. My BIL is struggling with abuse issues.

Fast forward into the future--we have adopted our nephew, my BIL birthson. We felt very strongly that this child should be placed with us and went through quite an ordeal to have him come to us. We adopted him and so far we are living happily ever after. No biological or "blood" relationship, just family history.

Family history and connections are very valuable to emotional health and growth for a child, and worth preserving even to the point of having to have a long, careful transition from a long-term foster care situation to the relative placement.

Many loving foster parents, deeply attached to their foster children feel very strongly that after a given amount of time (and that time varies from family to family, state to state) they should have precedence over a relative seeking placement. A few foster parents have actively blocked reunification with their foster child's family. I have strong negative feelings about that as that is my personal experience.

I have stated before and firmly believe that the physical and emotional safety and security of a child should always guide the decisions of adults in that child's life. Sometimes placement with family is best, I think that should always be the first goal, but many many times placement with family is not the safest and most secure choice for a child.

[jjsmom3]

My dh and I adopted his grandchild. His firstparents didn't want to raise him because they are young and want to do whatever they want.

Do we think we had the right to adopt him? No! It was their decision. We wanted them to raise him. Together or alone. In our home or someone else's.

My cousin and her husband were going to adopt him, but because of Indian rights, it HAD to be a blood relative. We are the most stable adults out of 4 couples so we did it.

Did we want to have to legally adopt him? No. Did we have to? Yes. After 8 months, we have had major boundary issues. If we hadn't done it legally, they would have taken him back, then returned him a week later. Is that fair to him?

I all honesty, I didn't want to adopt him. My youngest was fixin' to start school and I would have been able to go to work or lunch with the ladies. I felt it was MY turn after being a SAHM for 13 years.

Am I glad we did? You bet! I love that little boy so much, it's sometimes hard to remember we adopted him. It has been a looong road filled guilt and very mixed emotions, but I can say I am happy with our decision.

Do I think it's important that "blood" comes first? No. I think what the first parents WANT for their child should be first. It is their decision.

[belleinblue1978]

You know, I think alot of women choose to place out of family for the same reasons Michelle and I did. I love my mom and dad, they are great parents, but they had finished "raising" us, they didn't need a baby around. I also didn't want the complication of being a sister and a bmom, too much work for me personally, it is hard enough for me sometimes the way things are.

We talk all the time about how adoptive parents get to make all the decisions when they adopt, and of course they do, that child is theirs to parent. HOWEVER, before firstparents are TPR'd, the decisions are theirs to make and that includes choosing parents, and they are only doing what they feel is best too.

[jjsmom3]

I agree.
It is their choice.

I understand why it would be hard for a grandparent to adopt their grandchild. Trust me! If there had been a way to help my son's first parents understand what it would be like after the adoption, we would have moved heaven and earth to help them! We talked 'til we were blue in the face. We were told he would end up on an Indian Reservation somewhere.

We couldn't live with that. I think everybody can understand that.

BTW~ I am only 32 so I am able to keep up with a 1 year old. If I had been a lot older, I would like to think someone younger would have stepped up and adopted him. It's not easy!