[knittygirl]

Hi. I am in a state of emotional crisis after my mother's recent disclosure of having a daughter out of wedlock in 1970 and giving her up for adoption. I am 33 years old and was never told of this person's existence until she initiated contact with my mother. While my mom had previously decided to take this secret to her grave and never inform me or my full sister, she immediately began having near daily phone contact with this person, has visited her several times, calls adopted daughter's children her grandchildren. They only started having contact 3 months ago.

I am struggling mightily to cope with and accept this situation. I was raised the first born child in my family and it has been an identity crisis of such to discover that there was another one before me. Also, my mother is very critical of my feelings of betrayal, sadness, fear that our relationship will never recover this situation. I am in therapy, but can't seem to work things out with my mom so that we can even talk about this without fighting. She tells me that I should be happy for her, and should just decide not to be upset any more. I can't just stuff my own feelings like that. I feel like she is cheating on me with another daughter and I can't find any source of support from others who may have gone through something similar.

I am hoping that someone out there will see this and offer me some contructive advice as to how to mend my relationship with my mom and come to terms with this person who seems to be replacing me in my own family.

[nxilmom]

Kitty,
I am a mom with one raised child and one placed for adoption. It was interesting to read your thread though neither of my children feel jeolous or displaced, both are secure in who they are and the position in the family in which they were raised. Maybe you feel boundaries have been crossed. It is definately an adjustment but is not being the oldest really the issue or is it feeling betrayed? Jeolosy is understandable and should be acknowleged then deleted from your life because it's distructive. It would help if you knew what the real issue is so it can be resolved. Counseling might help. It would seem once you've done that you have nothing but opportunity to gain. You will always be the oldest in your family, no one can really taking that position from you. Now you have a sister "placement" can become a nonissue if there is the opportunity to build a nother loving supportive relationship in your life. Take the high road always and you won't regret it. Yes, Mom should have told you sooner but it was very difficult for her. It would be helpful if you knew how difficult but there is no way unless you have lost a child. You can never know the shame she must have felt. Let your feelings about this situation be known, find out what they are first. Try to have compassion for your mom and be open to a relationship with your sister. It is hard for all involved and all involved should acknowlege that.

[loveajax]

Knitty, have you met her yet? I wonder if that may help?

I am married to an adoptee (and an adoptive mom to my DD). I don't know much about "reunions," except to say I have heard that sometimes at the beginning they are very "intense." And then usually things "calm down" a bit. I would be lying if I said that I can't imagine that there must be some jealousy there and yes, anger over not being told the truth.

I also think that I am very sure your mom was carrying a huge burden for so long and really can't help but be excited and relieved to be reunited.

Good luck! Your feelings seem "normal" to me, and I hope you can sort them out and things get better for you!

[knittygirl]

I guess what has been so hard, is that my mom does not see my feelings as "normal", and wants me to be happy for her with no regard for my true feelings. I feel as though I have no support from her as I am struggling to give her the freedom to have her reunion. I feel like the bad guy all the time and it is very painful to have my feelings dismissed by the person whom I thought would always be there for me. She is happy to have her reunion, but it feels as though that relationship is more important to her right now than her relationship with me. I don't know how to get her to have compassion for my situation, which still feels truly bizarre at this point. She thinks I am being selfish, when I am trying SO HARD to let her do what she needs to do and just stay out of it as much as I can. I wish she could give me more time to digest all of this info without pressuring me to support her in this. It's like she is a different person than the one I thought I knew.

[dpen6]

knttygirl,

I can't imagine how confusing this must be for you. I do know that as an adoptee that very last thing that I would want to happen is for anyone...and I mean anyone..is.to get hurt. I found out years later that my half brother was upset with birthmother for not telling him about me. I felt horrible because as I said I did not want anyone to get hurt. When my birth mother told mehe was upset she told me not to worry because it wasn't my problem and it really wasn't but...I didn't want to see anone hurt.

I don't think you are being selfish by not being happy for her, you are confused, upse and may feel betrayed? She really has the burden of giving ALL her children some time t adjust tothis situation. Thats the problem with one person keeping secrets...it bounces around to hurt everyone else.

I do beleive your mother will come around but its going to take time. There is lots of things happening here emotionally, with you, your newly found half sister and your mother. She is probaly unable to see at this time how self absorbed she really is being. She gave birth, lost that child and now has found that person..all growed up.


lots of stuffed pain and insecurity will be coming to the surface. She will be responsabile for processing all that but may need support from you and the rest of the family, your half sister may be going threw the same thing but from a differnt angle...don't forget this women has been brought up to be someones elses daughter and has all those issues to sort out. Then there is the grandchildren issues...yikes....

The thing is the position you hold in the family will not change. you are the oldest in your raised family that will never change, just like your half sister can be totally the daughter of your mother as she was not raised by her....she was raised by another mother.

Things really need to be taken slowly. The emotion you are feelng is just at the surface right now..the deeper feelings will come out with your mother and half sister. It might get rough, it may not..but if everyones trys to respet the others feelings and make an attempt to understand..that includes your mothers feelings in terms of how you are feeling....thing may go smoother.

[nxilmom]

Kitty,
If being reunited with her daughter fullfills a need in your mom would you want that for her? Sounds like you really love your mom and want her to be happy. Maybe let her know that because maybe that is all she is asking right now. Of course you have these feelings of being displaced and betrayed and these feelings are legitimate. When she is a bit less obsessed she may take head of that especially if she sees that you have been supportive of her. It may just feel like you are being replaced right now because the reunion is still so new. When I was reunited with my child I was obsessed and neglected many things in my life. My kept child was my support and when we spent time together I made it all about him. He kept me grounded too. My children cannot replace each other. EVER! They are very different individuals and I appreciate both of them equally. I don't take the love from one and give it to the other. That being said, for a time, I was totally distracted by one of them.

[birdeez4]

Your feelings are legitimate and definitely "normal", at least from my perspective (I'm also a bsibling). There doesn't seem to be a lot of support for us outside the 'triad'. I even tried counseling and it STILL ended up being all about 'how to support what your mother is going through' and 'how to support the adoptee'; no support whatsoever for the sibling(s) who also has had his/her life turned upside down and who are expected to pick up the pieces by themselves as well as be understanding, supportive, etc. to everyone else. The only difference between you and I is that I have ALWAYS known about my sister who was given up for adoption. She's been the ghost in our house all my life.

I know that it was a hole in my mother's heart for many years and she is much, much happier (or maybe more peaceful) since she knows the good & the bad of her decision. And I do know that she does still love me. And in many ways I am happy for her. But it doesn't negate the pain that I have gone through since their reunion, which is still unrecognized by any of them..

I've worked through a lot over the years. And I'm happy to answer any questions or try to help, if possible. I do hope that your mom soon recognizes that you are in this with her and learns that you need her support, just as much as she needs yours...

[Jackiejdajda]

Knittygirl

I am in a state of emotional crisis after my mother's recent disclosure of having a daughter out of wedlock in 1970 and giving her up for adoption. I am 33 years old and was never told of this person's existence until she initiated contact with my mother.

I gave my son up in /65 and I was not allowed to see him.. I was not able to grieve (show emotions) as I slept on my mom and dads couch for a year or so after giving him up.. (yes I landed on them and yes they helped me to the best of their ability)

What happened to you is wrong.. My daughter (I told her when she was eleven or so) asked me if I had any other secrets..
And….. she had had dreams about me leaving her.. before that..
I know I did wrong by my kids by not telling them.. I told them when bson was in his twenties and may find me.. and I also had decided to turn around and face my emotions.. and seek therapy etc..

While my mom had previously decided to take this secret to her grave and never inform me or my full sister, she immediately began having near daily phone contact with this person, has visited her several times, calls adopted daughter's children her grandchildren. They only started having contact 3 months ago.

I will not do a critique on your mom and how the reunion is going.. but I personally believe a reunion needs to be slow.. and heck needs to be seeing all involved.. you..
IMO Its this darn secret keeping.. and being told I must never tell..
Being told by the workers at the agency at that time.. (the common belief) that I need to just get on with my life and forget..

The so called experts told us this!

It is so toxic..

My sister and I did not speak for a long long time.. after our relationship dwindled because of the secret..
We ended up fighting..

There is a book.. Written by John Bradshaw called Family Secrets..

Here is part of an interview with him.. about this..
Family Secrets - An Interview with John Bradshaw

RP: In Family Secrets you talk about how patterns or secrets that we have may have come from our parents, their parents, or other previous generations. And by discovering or uncovering these types of patterns, a lot of healing can take place for individuals in the family.

JB: Yes. There is a family mapping system that was developed by Murray Bowen called a Genogram. Most family systems theorists and therapists use this family map because it's a way to get a rather quick picture of the generational context of a person's symptoms or problems.

Bowen felt that most failures in families were about the parent's developmental deficits and immaturities, so that they would function like an adult in some areas and more like a child in other areas.

Bowen discovered that people were often carrying the projections of their parents own immaturity. He could trace it back to the previous generation. And he saw that that generation had not gotten healthy parenting because their parents may have been extremely immature.

The genogram helps you to see your family visually in a larger context. And this helps to reduce blame, because you see that a lot of problems you have, your mother had and her mother had.

I will add that I think my parents with their desire to keep the secret were part of the societies toxicity.. If you read books by Rickie Solinger like Wake Up Little Susie you will see how this went down..

I am struggling mightily to cope with and accept this situation. I was raised the first born child in my family and it has been an identity crisis of such to discover that there was another one before me. Also, my mother is very critical of my feelings of betrayal, sadness, fear that our relationship will never recover this situation. I am in therapy, but can't seem to work things out with my mom so that we can even talk about this without fighting. She tells me that I should be happy for her, and should just decide not to be upset any more.

Some will call this (what is happening in your moms reunion) part of the honeymoon period.. So may emotions coming up.. so fast..

Bottom line your upset is justified.. it is real..

I can't just stuff my own feelings like that. I feel like she is cheating on me with another daughter and I can't find any source of support from others who may have gone through something similar.

Not telling you.. and not telling the world that a person has given a child up for adoption is dysfunctional.. is wrong..
But it happened.. and now hopefully you can learn how to heal from it.. I am glad you are with us.. I hope you stay and learn more.. Teach us what you are going through.. Show someone that maybe they need to tell the telling and face the dragon..

I am hoping that someone out there will see this and offer me some contructive advice as to how to mend my relationship with my mom and come to terms with this person who seems to be replacing me in my own family.

As John Bradshaw says.. family secrets are toxic.. I say start from there..

Jackie

[snuffie]

I am a reunited adoptee and none of my bsiblings knew about me. I was a shock to them, some were disbelieving, one was upset because I look more like my bmom than the others do. But after time and the shock wore off we are one big family now. And that is what I really wanted to happen. It was so important for me to "belong".
Your sister may be feeling that way too. I know that you have described your feelings and everyone's feelings are of equal importance in this. But it also sounds like you are feeling a bit left out and betrayed. It also sounds as though your mom has all of the emotions she can handle right now and that may be why she doesn't want to hear anything from you. Reunions do take work no matter where you are in the triad. I have a friend who didn't tell her children until her son showed up as an adult. It was rough sailing for a while as birth order became displaced and feelings about a family secret this huge came out. It's been about 2 years now and everyone has worked hard and they have turned into a wonderful family.
I think it is good to explore your very valid feelings (even if your mom doesn't want to acknowledge them), find ways to deal with them yourself and this may possibly open the way to a wonderful relationship with your "new" sister.

Best wishes,

Snuffie

[Louise66]

Hi Knitty,

If there's one thing I'm learning having like you, found out about an adopted sister, it's that there is no "normal" way to feel. While I do not feel displaced per se, it is really kind of weird to no longer be the eldest.

Please know that your feelings are as valid as anybody else's in this situation: Just last week, I was so distressed I rang an adoption line. I expressed anger for myself at "making it all about me." The counsellor said it IS about me too. And does expressing how we feel mean that we are not showing respect for the process of the adoptee or our mothers? No! Although we can appreciate that our mothers and asiblings may have different issues to us, it's all about all of us.

I believe that you have a right to go at your own pace; I also believe that you have a right to as much support as anyone else in this. For different reasons to you, I also can't get support from my mother. I accept that, and I think that's why forums like this one are great; I intend to count it as a resource at this time. Have you some good friends you can sound off to without fearing judgment?

I am not terribly experienced in these matters, but something tells me that your adopted sibling in all probability isn't looking to replace you. I hope that once things level out, you and she can find something good together.

Take care

Louise

[Dickons]

It is always hard to walk in another's shoes. If it was easier there would be a lot less heartache.

You have been forced into a new reality, a reality your mom has been dealing with alone for many years. She is in reunion but is also for the first time allowed to openly show all the love she has always had for her child, but was never allowed to show in any way. She is different now, probably the most traumatic experience of her life is no longer a secret and she is free - her life sentence has been commuted.

Your new reality is the next phase in your life. You probably will not find anyone outside of the adoption triad who can empathize with you. Families were not meant to be separated, it is not natural. Could you also be going through a grieving period because you missed out growing up with your sister? I grieve for the lost time I could have had with my siblings.

I hope you find some way move forward, nothing in life is ever static, life happens and we have to find some way to get through it. Give your sister a chance, try to see if you can connect, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Please try to know your sister...chances are she has waited her whole life just to have that chance.

Kind regards,
Dickons

P.S. Please read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Anne Fessler. It may help you understand what your mom went through. It helped me.

I saw behind me those who had gone, and before me those who are to come. I looked back and saw my father and his father and all our fathers, and in front to see my son and his son, and the sons upon sons beyond. And their eyes were my eyes. As I felt so they had felt, and were to feel, as then, so now, as tomorrow and forever. Then I was not afraid for I was in a long line that had no beginning and no end.

And the hand of his father grasped my father's hand and his hand was in mine, and my unborn son took my right hand and all, up and down the line thatstretched from Time That Was to Time That is Not Yet, raised their hands to show the link. And we found that we were one...

~ Richard Llewellyn

[Dickons]

Are you finding any peace in your situtation?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[knittygirl]

No, I would say I have not yet found any peace. Perhaps I should clarify my situation....my problems stem not from the adoption so much as from my mother's coldness and cruelty in dealing with me while she is starting her reunion with her surrendered child. I don't grieve at all for not knowing this person that she wants me to call my sister. I grew up with my full sister and my parents and that was all the family that I needed. I don't wish to know any other siblings at this time. What I need is for my mother to accept that I am dealing with my own struggles in trying to accept the situation for what it is. I need her to be loving and kind to me, to respect that I cannot just jump in and shout for joy that she is obsessed with someone else and completely neglects my needs. Any time I've tried to talk with her about still needing her to be MY mother too, she just says "It's not my problem" and cuts me off. When she backed out on babysitting for my 10th wedding anniversary b/c I wouldn't let her tell me how wrong I am to feel resentful and displaced, it was the final straw. We have not spoken to each other in 5 weeks because I can't let her beat up on me any more. I can't change how I feel about this situation, I don't want her to change how she feels about her other child. I just want her to be respectful of my feelings and allow me the time and space that I need to figure out what is going on here.

I am also tired of people saying that if I understood what my mom went through it would help me. I get it...I've read the book, I've listened to her tell her story. But no matter how crappy it was for her ( and I know that it was truly awful), it does not excuse her treatment of me now. She is still MY mother too, and I need her love and support just as much as anyone in this situation. Unfortunately, if I don't just go along with how she feels, then she punishes me and cuts me out of her life. I've heard from others that it doesn't have to be this way with her. She just can't (or won't) make room for me in her life right now, and it hurts me tremendously b/c we were so close for my whole life. I don't use the word obessessed lightly, but she is excluding all those who have loved her most but who disagree with her interpretation of this situation. My full sister and I both feel that she is not the person that we have always known...the mother that I knew my whole life would never make her relationship with me conditional on anything, much less on my jumping on the bandwagon for her to fixate on another person.

I know that we are still early in the reunion process, but all I can do right now is wait for the intensity to wane so that maybe she will listen to me. Right now she can't be the mother that I need her to be b/c she's too busy trying to make up for lost time with someone else. I am deeply saddened that it has come to this. I miss her everyday, and Mother's Day this year is tremendously hard. I just can't be her scapegoat anymore and until she can respect my position (as I have tried to respect hers) I can't have contact with her.

I am hoping that one day she will see what is happening between us and take some responsibility for her behavior and start to act like my mom again. Until then, we are stuck in our silence. And I feel awful.

Knittygirl

[gigglessa]

I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I am going through the same feelings except I am the adoptee. My mother is not spending the time I feel we should spend together because she has her plate full with her children. They are all adults with children.
I didn't realize that it could go both ways.
I think that your feelings are valid. They are important and you are right that she should have more time for you.
I never thought that if my mother spent lots of time with me her other children would see it in a negative way towards them.
I hope you and your mom can work this out. Its not fair to you because you are her daughter too.