[rainmon]

Imo and In reading your posts, it seems to me you are building a wall....and in "the real world" that you mentioned...
you have another sister...and it appears to me that you are building a wall so that you don't have to accept her existance.... so you don't have to see her...and admit she is there...you can pretend she does not exist as long as you don't accept her in your life but it may then make your Mom continue to feel ashamed or guilt for even having her in her life, because you cannot forgive her for not telling you about her before. so really it is about an "Issue" and you want "that issue" to take centerstage, and not "your sister" a real live person with feelings.
you don't appear to be building a bridge in any way.
by not wanting your mother to even utter her name in your presence.....to live in a pretend world when you are with your mother where it does not include "the other persons' existence in anyway.... then you may be forcing your mom to continue to live in a secret world.....just like before...
so just how long do you want this to last? this pretend world.... will it eventually not hurt your sister? the wall may then get bigger and bigger...and it may never be able to come down once it gets started... if as you have stated that you and your younger sister both have decided you do not want to meet your other sister, you do not consider her family, and to me, that is building such an ugly wall, against an innocent person....and what is the purpose???? she has done nothing ...but exist !
I cannot for the life of me understand that.
she "IS" a part of your family and it is not her fault that your Mom could not raise her along with you.
and this all only seems to be saying to your Mom ...we want nothing to do it. you are on your own with it and "OUR" relationship with you will continue to suffer because of it as we will not accept or be a part of this relationship, this happiness, this reunion in any way.
if this was all happening to me....that is how it would feel to me..... (Imho)

[birdeez4]

Rainmon,

Unless I've missed something, I don't think that knittygirl is saying anything like what you are indicating. I've reread the posts a couple of times and what I am hearing her say is "I'm not ready YET to participate in this" and "please give me time and space to accept this". When will she be ready to meet her bsis? Maybe next month, maybe next year, maybe never. But it won't happen any faster, and may actually destroy what could be a good relationship, if she's being forced to accept it under someone else's idea of 'when it should happen'.

This has come as a total shock to both of them, but her mom has an advantage : she knew that it 'could' happen, because she knew about the adoption. Knittygirl was caught unaware and so it could take a little more time for her to accept it. Why is it unreasonable to ask her mom to give her some time and space to come to terms with things, before demanding that she accept her bsis as 'part of the family'?

Knittygirl, I'm glad to hear things are moving along with your mom. I do hope that things continue to improve and that, in time, your relationship will become stronger. Best wishes and keep us informed.

[Dickons]

Knittygirl,

You are a very analitical individual? If yes, then I can see where you are going...you have also come here to get opinions to ponder on...you are on the road you must travel. If we are pushing you it is only because of our own dreams and wants...

You are afraid that you will never have the same relationship you had before with your mom...it is a valid concern and in all probability your relationship has been changed permanently but it doesn't have to be a negative and soul searching is the way to work to make it positive.

All parent/child relationships change and the ones with a strong foundation grow into even better relationships...if both parties are willing. Personally I think its just really hard to think of mothers as being human too...I think it is hard for anyone to imagine their mother having sex/giving up a baby before they married, it's hard for me to even think of my parents and sex...and would bet many others would say the same...

Continue on your journey and keep seeking opinions to ponder on.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[lovemy2boys]

Although my situation is different, I am also a person who needs to process things so I can find the best way to handle what I'm presented with...

I went through a situation with my son's firstmom where I asked her for a bit of time to process some things we were going through and she wouldn't "allow" it...she would badger me, tell me that I didn't need time, or that I should have had enough time to work through whatever I needed to work through, etc.

Anyway, she wore me down and I begrudgingly gave in...and I still find myself having to push away resentment because I couldn't go through things at my own pace (which wasn't long in length - if so, I would have been able to understand her impatience).

Knittygirl, if you need the time, take the time...Only you know how you "deal" with things like this...and it would be better to forge a relationship/understanding with your mom and/or sister if you so choose with resolved feelings and your arms wide open, than with an underlying anger...because then you may not give it the chance that you all deserve.

[knittygirl]

Rainmon,

You are right. I am not building a bridge. But neither am I building a wall. I am standing on one side of the river and I never even knew there was another side. Some people would wade through the water just to find out what is on the other side. I am not that kind of person. Right now I'm just marvelling at the fact that there is something there that never was before and trying to figure out what it all means.

Do you have your own experiences with bsiblings that you would like to share here? I'm getting the impression from your posts that you have been on the other side of the river waiting for someone to build that bridge...but I could be wrong. I am open to hearing your story as it relates to this thread. Perhaps you could find more understanding if we better knew where you are coming from.

Knittygirl

[rainmon]

Knittygirl, yes my family has been touched by adoption in a few different ways, and one being that I have a birthsister also....but I'm not sure if there will ever be a reunion because there are and have been road blocks put up to disrupt a reunion... I strongly believe.
My Mother had a child and had to give her up for adoption as she was young, unmarried, etc...
my mother told my older "kept" sister about it later somewhere along the way... and my sister got very hurt & angry about it and made my mom swear she would never talk about it again and never tell anyone else in the family. well my Mom kept her secret for many years "AGAIN".....my sister "made" her bottle it all up all over again......
until one night when my husband was out of town my Mother and I went out to dinner together, and also to a great wine tasting...and sampled many, then bought a few of our favorite wines to bring home. We spend the night out at my house.....we put on her favorite Frank Sinatra music and had a great time sitting by the fireplace and talking about old
times. well...of course Frank Sinatra was her romantic Era, and she ended up slipping....and telling me all about that time.... her pregnancy, and.....
her other daughter.
she ended up crying in my arms and I was crying too....
then she said "I'm so sorry if this hurts you" "and I hope you won't be angry with me."
....and I said Mom, these are not tears of saddness these are tears of joy to know I have another sister somewhere!!! and she was so relieved that I was happy and not hurt, and then she cried again.
then I asked her why she would think I would be angry.....about something that happened so long ago, and when she was so young...
She then told me how my sister had reacted and had been so very hurt and then so angry she made my mother feel ashamed and made her promise never to tell another living soul... I said "Mom she had no right to tell you any of that,to swear you to secrecy...
I am your daughter too."
she said she would have told me sooner but thought maybe I would react the same way she did, and had resigned herself to taking her secret to her grave.
I asked her if she ever had thought of looking for her and she said "yes" and that she has wondered about her and her life all the time and always hoped that maybe she (bdaughter) might have someday made contact....but when she never did, she finally gave up hope the older she got.
well my sister eventually found out that I knew....and of course we were on opposite sides, and I told her she had no right to tell Mom not to talk about it and that maybe she needed to talk About it and not to be mad at our mom anymore because she had broken her promise to her.... and she had no right to try to manipulate her emotionally...
and at the end she angrily told me if I ever tried to make contact with our b-sister she would never speak to me again and disown me as a sister....
and refered to it as opening a can of worms !!!
at one point I asked her point blank if she had heard anything from her or if she knew anything about her at all....and I know my sister well....and could always tell when she was not telling the truth....and when she told me no....it was that same look that I knew so well.... I knew in my heart that she "did" know something. and that she was lying to me.
and then later I remembered how after having the same phone number for so many years she suddenly got a new number out of the blue and made it private years ago....and no one knew why. and I also thought about how she talked my Mom into them sharing a house...and how my sister insists on only her picking up the mail every day and sifts though it before giving my Mom hers.....saying mom might lose it because sometimes she misplaces her car keys...( who doesn't?)
I have a very strong feeling my sister has been putting up obstacles.
I tried for awhile to find b-sis in spite of her threat but did not get anywhere with it as it was before all the internet help we have now, but like my Mom, I wonder about her all the time.
I also remember back when my old elderly neighbor came across the street, trying to tell me all about a women calling her house and asking lots of question about our family...and particularly was interested in if an older women was ever there or lived there too, and this "young lady" she said seemed to be very interested in if it was my mother or not. we had always had a private number back then too.
well...for some reason I did not think anything of it at the time....I mean it was puzzleing...but at the time I did not know I had the posibility of another sister, so it just did not make any sence as to who it could have been or why.......until later.
so in my mind...there is a chance that she may have tried to make contact before....and I would not put it past my sister to make it hard for her to try to find my Mom.
and so maybe she finally gave up. I don't know.
I "CAN" tell though...that my sister is hiding something.......and I can also see her guilt.
and I will never understand her anger about this or why she hates this other sister of ours so much and won't even give her a chance to get to know us, and trys to make my mom feel so ashamed & guilt ridden that she would not ever let her even talk about her.

there are also other ways my family has been touched by different adoption situations...
but thats another long story...

[MamaS]

Knittygirl: You will get many opinions here -- from all sides of the triad. I think your situation is very much like an adoption when there is already a birthchild. All the "experts" say --Never upset the birth order. The oldest should always remain the oldest!
First: Your mother has upset the birth order by presenting you with an older sister. You will never again be the oldest -- your position has been taken. Resentment is very natural.
Second: It sounds like your mother is in a honeymoon period of reunion where nothing and no one is as important as the rediscovered child (or parent, as the case my be). This can last for a while -- sometimes for years! As you said, she is making up for a lifetime and so she doesn't have any time for her other children or grandchildren. Maybe the best thing you can do right now is strengthen your ties with your own family. Start new rituals that don't include grandma. Start to get closer to your sister - phone calls, e mails, etc. Eventually your mother may realize what she has lost and try to repair your relationship. That will be up to you. But if she does not, at least you will have your own warm circle -- you won't be on the outside looking in.

[knittygirl]

MamaS,

Forgive me for disagreeing with you, but no one can take my position in my family as the oldest. She may be older than me, but I was raised as the oldest child in my family and I am still my father's oldest child. That's one thing that I have come to terms with in all of this. I no longer feel displaced just because she was born before me....functionally, she is really the "youngest" one in the family.

I'm glad to get opinions from all directions. I just want to be included and granted the right to my own position. That's part of my grief in this situation: my feelings and opinions have been invalidated b/c I'm not "in the triad". I think that there are a lot of people impacted by closed adoptions and reunions who aren't represented by this model.

Knittygirl

[Jackiejdajda]

Rainmon

until one night when my husband was out of town my Mother and I went out to dinner together, and also to a great wine tasting...and sampled many, then bought a few of our favorite wines to bring home. We spend the night out at my house.....we put on her favorite Frank Sinatra music and had a great time sitting by the fireplace and talking about old
times. well...of course Frank Sinatra was her romantic Era, and she ended up slipping....and telling me all about that time.... her pregnancy, and.....
her other daughter.
she ended up crying in my arms and I was crying too....
then she said "I'm so sorry if this hurts you" "and I hope you won't be angry with me."
....and I said Mom, these are not tears of saddness these are tears of joy to know I have another sister somewhere!!! and she was so relieved that I was happy and not hurt, and then she cried again...

Thank you for sharing that.. I feel like I am there..
Frank Sinatra was the best..
When my mom died I did my grief work or I grieved listening to him.. He can pull up emotions like no one can..

Jackie

[knittygirl]

Rainmon,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for telling your story. I can see now why you have viewed my behavior as you have...clearly things remain tangled in your own family as they relate to your own bsibling.

It seems to me that raised-first-born daughters have the most difficulty accepting the children who were surrendered before them, and that seems to have a great deal to do with the birth order problem that MamaS describes. It is extremely jarring to many of us to be told, "Oh, by the way, you aren't the oldest anymore." Being the oldest child in my family has been a huge part of my identity and has shaped my personality. Because I was never told until well into adulthood about a previous child, I was raised with all that goes with being a first born. Discovering that my mother gave birth to another before me does not change that order...I was still raised to be a "first born". But it has been an identity crisis of sorts, and I have had to do a lot of examination about what that role means to me.

Unlike your sister, I do not put pressure on my mom to keep her secret. She is free to discuss it with whomever she wishes if they are willing to listen. She can go and visit her daughter anytime it is mutually agreeable to them. As I have said before, they must tease out their own relationship on their own. I just can't handle listening to my mom and being her confidant right now, which is really what she wants. Can you see how it might be difficult for me to hear about how wonderful someone else is when she is setting me aside during this honeymoon period? I can't just put my feelings down and let her gush about finding her long lost child without being genuine with her about how this is impacting me. We all must be honest and forthright so that we can establish relationships with one another that are based on truth and mutual respect.

I think that it is great that you can be so open to a relationship with another sibling. I'm gathering that your relationship with your "known sister" isn't as open as you'd like it to be and that you have a lot of suspicions about her behavior.

I can see how you might equate my thoughts/feelings/behavior with that of your sister, but I am working hard to remain as open as possible and accept that my mom has the right to have relationships with anyone of her choosing. I don't want to stop her...I just want to have my own place in this process and be free to determine for myself what kind of relationships I want with all the players.

Knittygirl

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by rainmon

Knittygirl, yes my family has been touched by adoption in a few different ways, and one being that I have a birthsister also....but I'm not sure if there will ever be a reunion because there are and have been road blocks put up to disrupt a reunion... I strongly believe.
My Mother had a child and had to give her up for adoption as she was young, unmarried, etc...
my mother told my older "kept" sister about it later somewhere along the way... and my sister got very hurt & angry about it and made my mom swear she would never talk about it again and never tell anyone else in the family. well my Mom kept her secret for many years "AGAIN".....my sister "made" her bottle it all up all over again......
until one night when my husband was out of town my Mother and I went out to dinner together, and also to a great wine tasting...and sampled many, then bought a few of our favorite wines to bring home. We spend the night out at my house.....we put on her favorite Frank Sinatra music and had a great time sitting by the fireplace and talking about old
times. well...of course Frank Sinatra was her romantic Era, and she ended up slipping....and telling me all about that time.... her pregnancy, and.....
her other daughter.
she ended up crying in my arms and I was crying too....
then she said "I'm so sorry if this hurts you" "and I hope you won't be angry with me."
....and I said Mom, these are not tears of saddness these are tears of joy to know I have another sister somewhere!!! and she was so relieved that I was happy and not hurt, and then she cried again.
then I asked her why she would think I would be angry.....about something that happened so long ago, and when she was so young...
She then told me how my sister had reacted and had been so very hurt and then so angry she made my mother feel ashamed and made her promise never to tell another living soul... I said "Mom she had no right to tell you any of that,to swear you to secrecy...
I am your daughter too."
she said she would have told me sooner but thought maybe I would react the same way she did, and had resigned herself to taking her secret to her grave.
I asked her if she ever had thought of looking for her and she said "yes" and that she has wondered about her and her life all the time and always hoped that maybe she (bdaughter) might have someday made contact....but when she never did, she finally gave up hope the older she got.
well my sister eventually found out that I knew....and of course we were on opposite sides, and I told her she had no right to tell Mom not to talk about it and that maybe she needed to talk About it and not to be mad at our mom anymore because she had broken her promise to her.... and she had no right to try to manipulate her emotionally...
and at the end she angrily told me if I ever tried to make contact with our b-sister she would never speak to me again and disown me as a sister....
and refered to it as opening a can of worms !!!
at one point I asked her point blank if she had heard anything from her or if she knew anything about her at all....and I know my sister well....and could always tell when she was not telling the truth....and when she told me no....it was that same look that I knew so well.... I knew in my heart that she "did" know something. and that she was lying to me.
and then later I remembered how after having the same phone number for so many years she suddenly got a new number out of the blue and made it private years ago....and no one knew why. and I also thought about how she talked my Mom into them sharing a house...and how my sister insists on only her picking up the mail every day and sifts though it before giving my Mom hers.....saying mom might lose it because sometimes she misplaces her car keys...( who doesn't?)
I have a very strong feeling my sister has been putting up obstacles.
I tried for awhile to find b-sis in spite of her threat but did not get anywhere with it as it was before all the internet help we have now, but like my Mom, I wonder about her all the time.
I also remember back when my old elderly neighbor came across the street, trying to tell me all about a women calling her house and asking lots of question about our family...and particularly was interested in if an older women was ever there or lived there too, and this "young lady" she said seemed to be very interested in if it was my mother or not. we had always had a private number back then too.
well...for some reason I did not think anything of it at the time....I mean it was puzzleing...but at the time I did not know I had the posibility of another sister, so it just did not make any sence as to who it could have been or why.......until later.
so in my mind...there is a chance that she may have tried to make contact before....and I would not put it past my sister to make it hard for her to try to find my Mom.
and so maybe she finally gave up. I don't know.
I "CAN" tell though...that my sister is hiding something.......and I can also see her guilt.
and I will never understand her anger about this or why she hates this other sister of ours so much and won't even give her a chance to get to know us, and trys to make my mom feel so ashamed & guilt ridden that she would not ever let her even talk about her.

there are also other ways my family has been touched by different adoption situations...
but thats another long story...

WOW!!!! What a story! Your poor mother!

See, this is just the type of story that makes my blood boil. Its about control, your sister being totally self centered and remaining childlike. As adults as hard as it is there comes a time that we need to see our parents as real people, real human beings and not just a mom figurre to be there for the perpeputual child. IMO....true family love is about being compassionate towards each other and seeing situations from the point of view of the person most impacted(in this case your mother). How sad your mother had to endure that kind of abuse, because thats how I see it, she was not allowed to do waht she wanted because of your sisters need to control.

I understand the confusion that a raised child feels about learning about another sibling. Knitty, I understand your resenment towards your mother because she is so absorbed with the bsister. I do beleive that in time it will sort itself out. I hope your birth sister is sensitive to fact that it can be causing an uproar(most of us adoptees are quite aware of that and it fact are very fearful of it also). I understand that you feel that she has upset the applecart in terms of how you saw your family. But the fact that you are all grown up now, she is all grown up now and nobody can go back. Your childhood has not changed, neither has hers. Thats what the basis of family is about...IMO...thats what puts the adoptee in a dichomity...we have the experiance of family in out adoptive families, the memories of childhood, moms being there in our most important devolpmentel times. Thats what has brought us to adulthood. Thats we we are in terms of reunion. Some of us search to find our roots because we know we are made up of both biology and upbringing. Some search to find family. I personally beleive that as much as some adoptees are looking for "family", and as much as they feel they have found it, they can never be thae same kind of "family" that they might be searching for. No matter how much there is a connection, no matter how much both sides "love" each other, the loss of the childhood experiance is to great. Its done, its over and cant go back. I beleive that relationships can be had, caring can happen but for both the mother and child it will never be the same. Thats why there can be so much hurt because the expecations are way to high. IMO..the little infant or child that was brought up by adoptive parents will never be the child that would have been if kept. That is not a good thing or a bad thing...just a fact. Maybe in your mothers case both she and your bsister are looking for something that will never be. Thats why the intenseness and total absorbation of each other. Kind of desperate,,,,thats why your mother is unable to see your side. This is all guesses on my part....help you understand what may be happening.

I have no idea what your bsisters place is in all of this, I kn0ow myself that i would feel horrible if I thought I was causing anybsibling pain, I would want to know as to talk to bmother and tell her to lighten up!!! But in my case I was not looking for a "mother"in terms of childhood mother.....had one that I loved very much. I was looking for the mother that gave birth to me to assimalte. I was and am no threat to any siblings as I fully understand that as much as I am a sibling, I will never have the same eperaices as them, being brought up by thier mother. I grew up with other siblings that I had the childhood experiance with...sibling rivaleys the whole bit.

In terms of you not being validdated. I understand, except think of who was most impacted..it was your mother and your birthsister. Yes it is painful and hard to see that , yes it is annoying to deal with but your basic upbringing and who you are didn't change because of adoption. Wheras for yoyur bsister it totally change the outcome of her life and how she see's herself. It may have been for the better or not, but the point is she is probably(just assuming here) no threat to anyone.

I was not looking for family, I was not searching to dispalce anyone, I fully undertood that at the age of 28 I was NOT trying to inject muself as anyone's older or younger sister. I was not intersted in any of that...I just wanted information for myself and for my children(the adoptees children are another group of people totaly dismissed in this picture).

I think mabe if you do try to see the real picture here and step back for a minute you may have better clarity in how you see things. As much as you want this girl to just fade away, she is not, she is now in the middle of the room, even if your mother closes contact with her. Your mother had sex and had a baby before you....you need to come to terms with that, your mom needs to see your point too. Any chance for family counceling here?

[julie23]

I'm glad to get opinions from all directions. I just want to be included and granted the right to my own position. That's part of my grief in this situation: my feelings and opinions have been invalidated b/c I'm not "in the triad". I think that there are a lot of people impacted by closed adoptions and reunions who aren't represented by this model.

i think this is so true... it's not simply a triad.... adoption causes ripples into many peoples lives...

dpen6.. great post.

[rainmon]

yes the communication with my sister is not very good right now...quiet anger seems to be all but consuming her.
but it is just so strange to me....as she has always been so very generous,accepting,understanding and giving in all other aspects of her life,
but not about our b-sister.
and what I guess I don't understand in this situation as well as in yours... is "what is" all this anger that is being felt ? Is this anger at the bsibling ? is it at your mother? is it at not being told soon enough?
where does this anger come from.... and why???
I just don't get it. what is it for? why hold on to it? how will it help anyone? why is it there? why do you allow it to fester? it's not good for any of you!
what are you angry at???? the fact that she got pregnant out of wedlock? or that you feel she is happy about something that does not have anything to do with you? or because you don't want to share her with anyone else? is it because your Mom let her come into her life now?, should she have refused her? consulted with you first? let you have a choice in whether or not to allow her to have contact in the first place?
you have said it is the way your Mom has treated you....
but how have you treated her? with anger.
was that your "initial" reaction when you first found out? were you immediately angry at her?
or was it fear first? jealousy? possesivness?
are you ashamed of her? you share your Mom with your other sister, but don't want to share her with this one??? is one more too much???
if your Mom adopted a child would you accept that child?......but not this one?
you know if you met her, you just might like her, but it does not seem that either of you really want her in your lives. will your sister and you continue a united front to show your Mom how against this you are? how wrong she is to even consider this reunion, and how it has disrupted your harmonious lives. that if she wants this relationship its "fine" with the both of you....but she is on her own with it?
Will you two ever be able to accept her?
if one accepts her down the line and the other doesn't, what will happen then? will one be mad at the other? will one try to hide it from the other?
I wish you both could get together and really talk about all this, the future of this, and come up with a plan to figure out how best to get over all these unhappy, unhealthy feelings, this anger...this indifference...this blame..for the sake of everyone.
Is the anger about the fact that you did not know?
or because the b-sibling simply exists and is now in her life and making her happy? would you be acting any differently if she had told you when you were 16 or 18.... or would you have been just as angry back then anyway,& especially now that they have made contact with each other. would you be angry about it anyway?
so maybe it has nothing to do with the knowing or not knowing.....maybe you are just angry because your Mom is spending more time with someone else right now....and it really wouldn't matter who it was?
like lets say: if she was single at this point in her life and had a special new boyfriend that she was spending a lot of time with and it was making her so very happy, but unavailable to you....and you were feeling left out....
and then she wanted you to meet him.....and you refused....just simply had no interest in meeting him, or getting to know him and just refused to be a part of it at all......her happiness...just shut the door and pretended he did not exist, and told your Mom never to talk about him in anyway around you, with out even ever meeting him !!! how would that make someone feel? her feel? terrible !! I would think...
and especially in this situation, her long lost daughter.
don't you see how it could be taking away bits from her heart, from her happiness in a way...by you refusing to meet this person, it hurts her, as she is so happy, and she wants to share that with "you" and to have you be a part of it. and you want no part of it. and refuse to share this with her and don't seem to even want to acknowledge it, by giving it the attention it deserves. This is a Huge thing in her life, and in this case it is your own sister....and in my mind even more reason to set your angers or fears on the back burner and "try" to be there for both of them......face your fear...don't hide behind it.
why spoil this wonderful reunion by refusing to be a part of it....you could easily become a part of it, but you seem to be purposely alienating yourself from it...and by not wanting to even meet her.....well, I just don't understand that either....it's almost as if you are trying to hurt your mom, make it so hard on her to have this relationship, instead of being happy for her, it seems you are punishing her in a way by refusing to accept your sister. turning your back on the whole thing and refusing to be any part of it.
you say it's been four months, four months of denial....it won't just go away just cuz you pretend it isn't there. you will make yourself just sick with the anxiety of it all and missing your mom. you say you are not making her choose....but by your negative actions, you are surely not helping it .....and it could make it so hard on your mom, that it may just help the relationship to fail ? by not giving your mom the support she seems to want and need from you right now, after she has helped you through everything in your life and now she needs you...to be there for her...and you are refusing her. and if it fails, will you only "then" be there for her?
you have said you are shocked, don't you think your Mom may be shocked by your actions as well?
do you think she had hoped you would be happy for her? and would be there for her.
how can it hurt to put your arms around your sister and make her feel welcomed, wanted and loved.
isn't that what we all want? just because she did not grow up with you due to the past circumstances, is that grounds for refusing her now?
Don't you think it would make your mom so incredibly complete to see you all together.... finally....
can you not put yourself in her place and see what she needs right now. you could all help each other through this.
how is your anger helping anything...anywhere????
and happiness can be so contagious, and so good for your health and soul.
the anger will surely just consume you.
I truly wish your whole family the best, and hope these thoughts & questions I have raised have not offended you...they are only meant to open up all the reasons and possibilities so they can be confronted, and you can all surmount any of these obstacles and be there for each other instead of being torn apart. I really hope you can all find the strength and compassion to survive and rise above all this and find Love & happiness in your future.