[EZ2Luv]

Boy oh boy can I imagine what you are going through. The same thing happened to my Biosibs more or less. they never knew about me as bmom did take the secret to her grave. This is so sad on many levels. you have every right in the world to feel as you do and it is good that you can let your mom know how you feel. My biosibs could not so they took their anger out on me.

I cannot speak for bmoms except that I have heard that they had to bury those secrets as far down as they could and go on to resume a life as though this never happened. Even still, I would think at some point you mom should have at least told you.

I hope that you can work this out with your mom and find peace. This is not your adopted sister's fault. This is between you and your mom to work out. You certainly have a choice as to whether you want a relationship or to even get to know the asister, but please try not to be angry at asis, she is just as much a victim here. Many adoptees feel just like you in that they do not want to share their lives with bfamily they just want to keep the family as they have known it in tact..

EZ

[rainmon]

I was wondering how your other sister is dealing with all this? how is her relationship with your Mom going?
is she older or younger then you?
Does she not want to meet the b-sis either?
has your mom also shut her out?
maybe you two could spend more time together right now and help each other through this during this time.

[knittygirl]

Rainmon,

My other sister is younger than me. She lives on the opposite coast from me and my mom, and so has limited physical contact with us. We only see her once or twice a year. She is more adamant than I am about not wanting to meet bsister. Technically, my mom has not shut me out...we are not speaking right now due to my own choice to protect myself and our relationship from further damage. My younger sister is still speaking to my mom, but gets much the same pressure and emotional blackmail that I get from our mom. It is easier for her, I think, because she lives so far away and thus has a physical buffer between her and the rest of us. So, it is difficult to spend much time together face-to-face, but we do talk on the phone and try to support each other. She is supportive of my decision not to have direct contact with my mom right now, which is helpful. Interestingly, my mom think that I shouldn't listen to my younger sister because she is "too angry". What she doesn't seem to get is that if her 2 raised daughters are having nearly the same emotional reaction, maybe it isn't us that is the problem. She is quick to blame us for being unreasonable and takes very little responsibility for the problems that we are all facing. I'm not sure Mom is capable of taking on more right now, though. She is still beating herself up for the pregnancy and relinquishment nearly 40 yrs ago. I'm not sure that anything can change until she can forgive herself, and all I can really do is wait until she gets into a better place.

[Dickons]

Knittygirl,

I have 5 siblings and have never met any of them. It haunts me and hurts me every day.

Why is your sister your sister but your mom's first child is this 'other person'? Just because you grew up with your sister, she is your sister and the other person is not? She is your mothers child just like you are and your sister is, she shares the same genes you do but wasn't lucky enough to grow up with her family...that is the reality...you have 2 sisters.

Your mom wasn't lucky enough to be able to raise one of her children and it has probably haunted her each time she smiled at something you or your sister did. Imagine if you will...the bittersweet feelings your mom must have endured each time you reached a new milestone or did something special, loving the fact of being part of it and yet at the same time knowing she is missing all of the smiles and tears of being part of her first daughters life. It would be like a knife thrust through her heart each time...tough to do for one day let alone over 30 years.

Only you can choose to explore this opportunity to expand your known family. Please, please open your heart to your sister and focus on your relationship to your newly discovered sister...she is your sister and her children are your nieces and nephews...you cannot change the law of nature just because society was screwed up 30 plus years ago and thought sending kids into non-family adoptions would be the quick fix for everyone.

At this point your mom is being very protective of her child because she couldn't back then...she needs you to try...this is hurting everyone and someone needs to be the one to make it work. I hope it is you.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[knittygirl]

Dickons,

I am very sorry to hear how much you are hurting by not having relationships with your siblings. I do not mean any disrespect to anyone in my postings, and I hope that you are able to see my comments within the context of my larger situation.

First, let me say that my younger sister is my full sister who grew up in my house and we have a life-long history together. I never felt growing up that I was missing anyone. My mother's other daughter does not feel like my sister to me. Part of the problem with this whole experience is the lack of language to describe relationships to people whom you've just been told about. When I describe her as the "other person" it is more to differentiate between her and my full sister. Yes, biologically she is my half-sister. But I just found out that she existed 4 months ago, and she does not feel like family to me. This is not to say that I am hostile to her, just indifferent at this point and not interested in meeting her right now.

Since I was never told of my mother's experiences and her previous child, I am now going through what I call "phase 1" of my own adjustment to this news. Right now I have to focus on accepting that the situation is in fact real (it doesn't always feel that way since it is so new) and what it all means for me. I have to sort out what my position is in my family of origin, in my mother's life, with my full sister and my father (who also knew but didn't tell me of the previous child and is not her father). I have a lot to work out with the people that I already know...and I just can't get to knowing another sibling before I deal with the people who already are my family.

Please remember that my title for this thread indicates that I am working toward accepting my half-sister. But I'm just not in a place yet to do that. I consider getting to know her "phase 2" of my own process. I must feel secure in my own space before I start bringing in others. I need to feel secure in my own relationship with my mother before I can fully accept that someone else is also in her heart. I do not mean anyone, including my own family members, any disrespect by postponing my welcoming her into my life. I'm just not there yet, and I can't get there any faster just because my mom (or anyone else) wants me to. I don't know how she feels about me....I haven't asked.

I'm in a different place than someone who is an adoptee might be. I was always connected to people who are biologically related to me, and I didn't feel that I was missing anything. Therefore, I think that the pressure to seek out a relationship with another potential family member is less for me than for someone who always wanted to be connected with biological relatives. I don't blame anyone for their wish to feel connected, and this includes my own mom. I understand why she wants to have all of her children in her life, but I can't be pushed into a "sister" relationship with a perfect stranger. It just doesn't feel right to me now.

I don't know the details of your own experience or why you don't have relationships with your siblings. All I know is that I am a part of this adoption triad as much as anyone else (although maybe we should change it to more of an octagon....three sides doesn't seem to be enough) and I have to cope and adjust in my own way in my own time. We all are just doing the best we can with a confusing situation.

I wish you all the best in finding relationships in which you feel valued, accepted, and welcomed whether they are with your biological relatives or not.

Knittygirl

[julie23]

First, let me say that my younger sister is my full sister who grew up in my house and we have a life-long history together. I never felt growing up that I was missing anyone. My mother's other daughter does not feel like my sister to me. Part of the problem with this whole experience is the lack of language to describe relationships to people whom you've just been told about. When I describe her as the "other person" it is more to differentiate between her and my full sister. Yes, biologically she is my half-sister. But I just found out that she existed 4 months ago, and she does not feel like family to me. This is not to say that I am hostile to her, just indifferent at this point and not interested in meeting her right now.

she is a stranger... a biologically related stranger... i think there is a huge continuum in reunion... from people who reunite and instantly connect and "feel" like sisters... brothers... mother/daughter.... all the way down the range to those who do not connect... who feel like strangers.... neither is wrong, IMO... everyone has to process things their own way... in their own time... just like you are doing...

Since I was never told of my mother's experiences and her previous child, I am now going through what I call "phase 1" of my own adjustment to this news. Right now I have to focus on accepting that the situation is in fact real (it doesn't always feel that way since it is so new) and what it all means for me. I have to sort out what my position is in my family of origin, in my mother's life, with my full sister and my father (who also knew but didn't tell me of the previous child and is not her father). I have a lot to work out with the people that I already know...and I just can't get to knowing another sibling before I deal with the people who already are my family.

i think this is a very interesting point... we often hear about the trauma that a person will suffer when they find out they were adopted at age 35.... that they have basically been lied to their whole lives... well, isn't the same for knittygirl? hasn't she been lied to her whole life? As a birthmother, i ALWAYS felt like i was lying to my oldest when i called her my "first born"... or "my oldest"... i always cringed inside... it was the best thing ever to tell her... i felt like i had been living a lie... of course, i told her when she was 12 years old.. that's very different than Knitty's situation...

i would hate to be in your shoes knitty... truly.... the two people whom you trust more than anything in the world, have lied to you... i would assume that would take quite a huge adjustment...

Please remember that my title for this thread indicates that I am working toward accepting my half-sister. But I'm just not in a place yet to do that. I consider getting to know her "phase 2" of my own process. I must feel secure in my own space before I start bringing in others. I need to feel secure in my own relationship with my mother before I can fully accept that someone else is also in her heart. I do not mean anyone, including my own family members, any disrespect by postponing my welcoming her into my life. I'm just not there yet, and I can't get there any faster just because my mom (or anyone else) wants me to. I don't know how she feels about me....I haven't asked.

amen, sister... i think you are very wise to work on your stuff before even getting involved with your sister... very wise. you have a lot on your plate to sort... and obviously, you are doing that... and i think it will eventually lead to a healthy relationship with your sister...

julie

[Jackiejdajda]

I agree with Julie..

I think there is a real big issue on terms of folks related to the ones reuniting..
A husband of an adoptee the husband of the birthmom.. the daughter.. the son..

I think we need a section dedicated to this..
Encourage folks to share..

Jackie

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I agree with Julie..

I think there is a real big issue on terms of folks related to the ones reuniting..
A husband of an adoptee the husband of the birthmom.. the daughter.. the son..

I think we need a section dedicated to this..
Encourage folks to share..

Jackie

You are right about that. My connections to adoption are many and varied. Nevermind that I am not actually adopted myself. My mother's mother and my father's father were both adopted. So as I am doing geneology research, as the granddaughter of two adoptees, I have 6 lines to follow not 4. (Both of them still had connections with birth families.)

Then I am cousin to 4 more adoptees, two from 1960s closed adoptions, two that began as my uncle adopting his wife's two children. Those two became full adoptions after his wife died very young from cancer and he remarried.

Next are my husband's children, who were adopted by their stepfather years ago (basically against my husband's wishes, though he did sign the papers. Long story -- things were different for birth fathers in the 1970s) He was reunited with them in 1996 after a 15 year absence. One reunion is good, the other proved to be a one-time thing. (That child simply opted to never call us again or visit. We have respected that.)

And finally, there is my son, who we adopted as a private, domestic adoption 17 years ago. So while I am not adopted, I can see all sides of it -- which tends to make you a bit crossed eyed at times. I can't, however, imagine not embracing a new relative who comes along, no matter what the circumstances. I have adopted cousins, step-cousins, cousins-in-law, all of whom joined the family along the way. As far as I am concerned, there's always room for a few more in the family.

I have met my mother's cousins from my grandmother's birth family who came from Canada. I was there when my husband's children walked up the driveway for the first time, standing there with my then-five year old. And just this week, I talked for two hours to a cousin who has been lost to the family for more than 40 years (his dad died when he was a baby and his mom remarried and moved away.) I was THRILLED and so was he. He's planning to visit this summer.

While I know you are shocked by this sudden half-sister, perhaps you could try to know her for herself. She might enrich your life and you might enrich hers.

Good luck.

Robin

[Jackiejdajda]

I can't, however, imagine not embracing a new relative who comes along, no matter what the circumstances.

I think this needs to be heard as well..

I have phobias with generational research.. my husband loves it and I do not.. I know I need to get over this..


Jackie

[birdeez4]

When my placed sibling and my mother first reunited, I was happy for both of them and totally expected to be included at some point (maybe not at first while they were still working through things, but eventually). I was leery about how things might change, but felt like we could all work through it all. The adoption had never been a secret for me, so I was somewhat prepared.

But I was totally blindsided by the effect of the reunion on my mother. Suddenly, it seemed as though I was expendable. In hindsight, I don't think she meant to do this; she was just overwhelmed at the time, but calls weren't returned and when they were she was distracted, uninterested, and cold towards me. I was deeply hurt and when I tried to explain this to her, she was dismissive; said I was 'imagining things' and I was 'being difficult' and should support her through this. I truly was trying to be supportive, but the whole thing was new to me too.

So-o-o, I tried to wait for things to settle down. And I waited. And I waited. Finally, my mother indicated that my sib wanted to meet me. Well, it was pretty obvious during the meeting that she really had no interest in meeting me; in fact, my mother told me afterwards that she had only consented to the meeting because she wanted her (my mother) to meet her adoptive parents and it was a 'tit-for-tat' type of thing. My mother told me that my sib felt resentment towards me for having what she always wanted: a connection to her birthmother.

Anyway, we went our separate ways, but in the back of my mind I did hope she would eventually want a relationship. She was pretty young when they first reunited; I thought perhaps as she grew up, things might change. And then they stopped talking. Things got to be 'too much' for my sib and they fell out of touch. I won't even go into the effect that had on my mother. But after a year or so, she called me (I'm much easier to find for a whole lot of reasons) and made it clear that all she wanted was to reconnect with my mother. I knew that my mother would want this so I arranged it and the whole cycle started over again. She has 'pulled back' a couple of times since the initial reunion. When she decides that she wants to re-connect, she looks me up and seems to expect that I'll make it happen.

I guess the point of this post is to give another point of view from 'outside the triad'. My wish would be that those 'inside the triad' could admit that there is a ripple effect and, just as they expect our support, be willing to give it in return. We're all in this together, or we should be, IMHO. My mother recently admitted that, looking back, she was 'distracted', although from my perspective, it was far more than that, even if she doesn't want to admit it. And it still seems that everywhere I look for support, what I am told is that "I need to be supportive of my mother and my sister and understand what THEY have gone through" as though none of it affects me at all. Sorry for the rant.

[Jackiejdajda]

birdeez4

I guess the point of this post is to give another point of view from 'outside the triad'. My wish would be that those 'inside the triad' could admit that there is a ripple effect and, just as they expect our support, be willing to give it in return. We're all in this together, or we should be, IMHO. My mother recently admitted that, looking back, she was 'distracted', although from my perspective, it was far more than that, even if she doesn't want to admit it. And it still seems that everywhere I look for support, what I am told is that "I need to be supportive of my mother and my sister and understand what THEY have gone through" as though none of it affects me at all.

At one point in my reunion I came to the conclusion that I was really into myself and my issues.. and my pain and or dogma..
And that because things were not looked at or resolved I was looking in and not out.. and not seeing those around me..
It’s a scary thing to see..

I know an adoptee interviewed birthmoms and wrote The Girls that Went Away.. I am thinking there should be a book.. about those in close relationships with adoption/relinquishment..

Jackie

[rainmon]

I also cannot imagine shutting someone out for no reason other then because they simply exist.
and just because I did not know about it before....
maybe part of helping your Mom in accepting everything... and not feeling so guilty, is for her to be accepted herself by the people that proclaim to love her... and love her unconditionally....so she does not have to carry even 'more" guilt now....about not having talked about it....
she did as she was told.....she shut it away....
why make her feel more guilt, you are forceing her up against a fence with her claws out to protect her other child....the one she was unable to protect and raise years ago, mothers will always fight for the underdog....why force her into this corner....the more you chastise her and her other daughter, the further you may alienate yourselves, can't you see that?

why not just try to move past it, soften and open your heart... at least "meet" your mothers other daughter....reach out... and at least try to return some of the same love and affection your Mom has given you all these years....... unconditionally.
you were the Lucky ones, can't you see that?...can you really not share some of that ?

[keds]

birdeez4, thank you for your post. There most certainly is a ripple effect. It's not a pebble in a pond, it's a boulder in a puddle. I too was "guilty" of being wrapped up in my bson and my reunion and tried very hard not to "ignore" my raised kids and husband (also bdad). In my case, I kept the reuinon to myself for 2 years and then, when we decided to have our first F2F, I opened up to my raised kids about their brother. Both accepted it well, until it affected them (i.e. I started taking time away for visits) but they will tell you that if I was with them, or talking with them, I was focused 100% on them. Closed adoption made me very good at one thing - compartmentalizing my life.

My eldest daughter did call me on the carpet once as we were visiting friends and when bson called and I rushed outside (friends don't know about him and I wanted our discussion to be in private). She let me know how rude I was and that she was feeling I was putting him first. We talked about how we both had to make sure we were honest and if we were feeling upset to clear the air as soon as possible.

She did tell me that she had no interest in a relationship if he was here "just for info and see ya". I understand completely and they have yet to meet. We're kind of at an impasse in that I think they're both waiting for the other to make the first move and bdad can't figure it all out, nor does he want to. It's their call. I've told everyone that I don't expect nor want them to try and build a friendship/relationship for my benefit. I certainly wouldn't expect my daughter to be the keeper of our relationship. Bson and I have passed through the honeymoon stage and we're in contact quite a bit but I can sense the change, even if it isn't intentional. It would be easier if everyone met, hit it off and we could grow as a "family" but that's not our reality.

I think what is most important for us is that everyone knows that I love them and that won't change, ever. For me, I have to remind myself, I can't try to make up for 28 years in one or two without having a negative impact on the rest of my loved ones.

Thanks for being there for your bsibling and your mom. They may not show it but I know they care.

(((HUGS)))

[knittygirl]

Rainmom,

Let me state very clearly that I have never "chastised" my mother or her first child. I've never asked her to choose. It was her choice to never tell me about this person and this part of her life, and I know that there are a lot of reasons for that, but that remains a fact. This is not a path that I have chosen, and it is still shocking to me. You have made some serious accusations about my behavior that are not based on anything that I have posted here, nor anything that has happened in the real world. I have not even tried to get in between my mom and her first child, never told her not to make contact, visit, etc. They have to make their own relationship as it works for them, and I know that it is not my place to dictate what that should be. That said, my relationship with my mother should also not be conditional on my acceptance of a newly discovered sibling. No one should be allowed to tell anyone else how to feel or who to love.

Family means different things to different people. My definition of family does not include this person right now. That's not shutting anyone out, that is simply me taking the time to sort out my own feelings and adjust to a pretty life-altering situation before bringing in an unknown entity. Why is that a bad thing?

[knittygirl]

There have been some recent developments in my relationship with my mom, and I want to update you all on where things stand between us now.

As you may know, we had not spoken to each other for about 6 weeks as a result of my need to stop the cycle of arguing and attacks between us. My mom did call me on several occassions, but did not leave any message for me, and I chose not to answer her calls because I was not ready to start up the fighting again. This period of silence enabled me to break out of my pattern of reacting emotionally to my mother, feeling hurt and attacked all the time. It gave me time to heal myself (somewhat) and regain my strength as an individual.

The most difficult part of this silence (which is very uncharacteristic for me, btw) was Mother's Day. I sent her cards from me and my kids, with a note wishing that things were better between us. She sent me a generic card with "love, mom" inside and nothing else (also uncharacteristic). I was with my family going to lunch on Mother's Day and saw a sign outside a church that said "Be Kinder Than Necessary". This spoke to me, and I decided that I would take my kids to my mother's house for a visit that afternoon so that she could have some time with them. I did not stay, did not talk with her about our problems, did not want to get into it on what should be a good day (also my husband's b-day). Next day, she emailed me, wanting to email back and forth, said she was confused about my "issues". We emailed back and forth a few times, my telling her much of what I've told you here in this thread and what I needed from her as my mom. Her replies became increasingly angry, accusing, irrational. I sat back and tried to think what she needed to be able to hear what I was saying.

Some may be familiar with the 7 Habits for Highly Effective People....well, one of them is "Seek to Understand Before Being Understood." I wanted her to know that I did (and do) understand what things must have been like for her, that I had empathy for her situation, that I understood her need for her child. I wanted her to know how much I have learned from my own research on this topic, and also what I have learned from all of you and your experiences. I wrote her a really looooooong email detailing my understanding of her. Then I reiterated what I needed (including my 2 phases as outlined in an earlier post). I sent this email out into cyberspace not knowing how it would be received, but feeling that it was the best that I could possibly do to facilitate our communication and our relationship.

Well, it seems to have had a positive effect on things. She responded very favorably to my telling of her experiences, told me that I had listened and understood her, and she understood me better now. We talked on the phone that day and established some ground rules for further communication, mostly my asking her to contain her photos, comments, discussions of her first child because I was still too insecure in her relationship with me to hear those things. She agreed to do so, agreed to just be with me without interjecting tidbits about her other child.

That is what I have been asking for all along.

So, how do I feel about all of this? Uneasy. The trust that we had between us has eroded over all these hurt feelings, and I'm just not sure that she is capable of containing herself for very long. I told her that it is possible that I might have to pull back in our relationship again, but that it is not a punishment of her (and never was, either), but only as a way to reestablish my own boundaries and nurture myself while I struggle to cope with my own strong feelings.

I'm not sure what will happen now. I'm trying very hard to live in the present and take each day as it comes. I don't know if we will ever have the trust that we once had between us. It is hard to recover that when there have been so many lies and misunderstandings. I'm still not at the point where I can invite her other daughter into my life, and I don't know if or when that will happen, but she is OK with that (at the moment, anyway). I guess you could say we are working on our own kind of reunion.

Knittygirl