[sweetcolorado]

okay i am going to try and do this as delicately as i can but it will be hard for me as so many emotions are behind this. over 1 1/2 years ago i found out that my sister was going to have a baby out of wedlock, being married and trying it was hard for me to swallow but as fortune would have it i was actually pregnant. so my son and my sisters child were born 4 months apart. when my sister gave him up for adoption, i was so happy because i feared that eventually i would have had to call social services because she is so rough with babies. now that it has been over a year. my son is being constantly put aside and compared to this child. I don;t even consider the child my sons cousin as he is with an amazing family and will be so much better off. my sister does not even respect the Parents decision to name him something else. I feel that because she decided to give him up for adoption that she gave that right up as well. My mom and sister look at the adoption more as someone who is keeping him until he is 18 and then he will come running back to them. i am afraid that it is setting them up for failure. I am also swayed by husband who is also adopted but does not want to contact or see the birth mother. as i share my feelings with my family i am told it's none of my business, but it's effecting their relationship with my son. they think that just because he is mine, that they will always have the opportunity to have relationship with him later, but at this point they will not be having a relationship as i am losing my patience and want to protect my son from them and their disregard for his and my feelings. is any one in this situation and can give any advise? i am beyond frustrated.

[paigeturner]

Forgive me moderators...I'm emotional tonight...


First you asked for advice. My first piece of advice will be to go back to school to learn basic punctuation and grammatical skills. My next piece of advice is to GROW UP.

I was a girl that was sent away by my family when I was “unwed” and pregnant at 19. The only time my mother ever approached me about a different option for my pregnancy was when my oldest sister found out she was pregnant shortly after me. Mom approached me to give my sister my baby and she could have “twins”. Never mind that my church going sister was married to an alcoholic. Forget the fact that she was a crappy mother to her oldest child…she was married! Needless to say, I nixed that idea. Thank God.

When I came home and was grieving my sister was jealous. She was so self righteous. She’d made all the “right” choices in her life. Karma is weird. I’m going on my 24th year of marriage. My parented children are fabulous. She’s on her 3rd marriage. Her kids spend a lot of time in jail. Go figure.

Be careful. Self righteousness will kick you in the butt.

[Lilly's Mommy]

Wow! That was pretty harsh Paige!

I don't see anything resembling self-righteousness in the OP's post. The issues are quite different from those you endured. The only thing I can think of is that the term "out of wedlock" struck a negative chord with you.

Sure hope you are doing better tonight.

To the OP, I'm sorry your first post here was met with such a horrid reply. I don't really have answers for you, but just had to respond. Hopefully someone will have better support for you.

[zxczxcasdasd]

You can't control or change other people (your mom and your sister), all you can do is make choices for yourself and for you children. The more you worry about what they are doing, saying and thinking, the more you will drive yourself crazy.

As much as you are relieved that your nephew was placed, based on your opinion of your sister's parenting, I would still meet the topic of adoption with compassion for her, and your mom. The aparents have a legal right to name their child, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting your sister that she gave him a name and it was changed. You would like to see her respect their legal right to name him, and she probably feels not respected that they changed it.

When they compare kids...just say that you think your son is great. Period.

It doesn't sound ideal, but it rarely is. Dealing with adoption is hard. When they start going off in a way with which you're not comfortable, just hug them say you love them, you're sorry they're hurt or angry and then leave.

Paige, I'm sorry you're angry because you were hurt.

[One_Happy_Momma]

You said that you resented your sister being pregnant while you were married and trying to become pregnant, could your sister be resenting you for being able to parent your child while she wasn't? And just because she doesn't respect that her bson's name was changed will not change the fact that it was indeed changed. - May be her heart defense mechanism talking.

Is is not healthy for your son to be compared to anyone. And at this time, you have the right and responsibility to protect him, and choose who he is having a relationship with. Could some time apart from all parties involved help your relationship?

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Paige, I'm sorry you're angry because you were hurt.

Oh gag me. I love the assumption that because I'm a first mom I'm angry because I was "hurt". That's like me saying you’re defensive because you’re infertile. This would be an ignorant, stupid, silly assumption (though it might make me feel superior for a moment – is that how you felt?).

Frankly, last night I was frustrated, coming off of a 16 hour day (early cross country flight) waiting for an important piece of legislation to get signed by the Governor only to be told it was rescheduled for today… She signed it by the way.

I'm frustrated by the willingness of many to buy into silly stereotypes and to rush to defend illiterate posts by people who do a “drive by” and never defend or post a second time. Was I harsh? Sure. But so was her post.

Three things frustrated me by the OP and hence triggered my “horrid” post:

1) The unwillingness to acknowledge the pain and loss her mother and her sister were feeling from the loss of a child.

2) The giddiness over her sister’s choice, “…when my sister gave him up for adoption, i was so happy because i feared that eventually i would have had to call social services because she is so rough with babies...”

But, she’s so busy with the “feel sorry’s” that she doesn’t back it up. Is her sister a child abuser? Or does she rub poop off too hard with the wipe? Who knows?

It’s easier to just assume the former isn’t it?

3) The “it’s all about me” tone of the post...

Does she think her mother and her sister, raw from the loss of a child, will welcome the fact that her adopted husband doesn’t have a need to know his first mother?

So, I have to say, coming off of a terrific win today, in a way better frame of mind…I’d post it again. And, judging from the PM’s I received today regarding this post, others agree.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by sweetcolorado

when my sister gave him up for adoption, i was so happy because i feared that eventually i would have had to call social services because she is so rough with babies. now that it has been over a year.

When placement is met with happiness from close family it can be received very poorly...I would want support, not celebration from my sister.

Originally Posted by sweetcolorado

I don;t even consider the child my sons cousin as he is with an amazing family and will be so much better off. my sister does not even respect the Parents decision to name him something else. I feel that because she decided to give him up for adoption that she gave that right up as well.

You may certainly have your feelings, but then you should let your sister have hers as well. Let her be hurt/angry/upset/whatever emotion that the Parents named him something else. She relinquished her right to PARENT her child, not her right to care. There is a difference and a distinction and it needs to be realized.

Consider the child a cousin or not, the fact is, the child IS your sons birthcousin. Perhaps one day it will be up to them to decide if they see each other as cousins. I can see how your resistance to admit thier link could be hurtful to your sister.

Originally Posted by sweetcolorado

I am also swayed by husband who is also adopted but does not want to contact or see the birth mother. as i share my feelings with my family i am told it's none of my business

I completely respect your husbands opinion AND I can understand how that might not be helpful to your sister or Mother. Your husband is ONE adoptee speaking for the entire group. I would reject that opinion if I were hearing it as well. We have to for our sanity sometimes. We can't just hear an opinion like your husbands and "move on" - although MANY think we can. It's just not so. Also, I don't know how old your husband is, but it may be that contact is treated differently now than it was when he was adopted...

P.S. Paige, I'm sorry you read Heidi's post that way, but she truly is not a stereotyper nor is she self-righteous. I really think you read a LOT into her words, that I'm sure wasn't there.

[Mommy24]

Please remember to be respectful when posting, opinions will vary but respect is a must!

Thanks!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Whoo.

I wasn't assuming anything because you're a first mom. Your post sounded angry and you described how you were hurt by your family. I'm sorry that happened to you. That's all.

I can see now how it might have sounded condescending, but I didn't mean it that way. Your post was very harsh. I was trying to give you some leeway because it seemed clear from how you spoke of your own story that you were speaking from your own anger about how your family hurt you- and how you saw that in the OP.

It would have been better to leave off where I advised the OP to set boundaries for herself, but to show compassion for her sister.

[josh1788smom]

I would imagine your mother and sister think they will always see your family. Fact of the matter, we frequently take advantage of those closest to us. The going concern principle would have it that they are related to you, they see you, they will see your son. They probably don't look at it much deeper than that right now.

I would imagine they are very sensitive to the child lost from their lives right now, especially when there is one so close in age to give evidence of the things they are missing. I don't know if you will easily be able to change that - but good luck and go gingerly would be my only advice.

You probably think you are helping by relaying thoughts of your husband, as he is an adult adoptee. However, these people are grieving this loss right now, so hearing about someone with no interest in his birth family is only salt to an open wound. I've got to be honest, my family was the motivating factor wanting my son to be adopted. I was always counting down until his 18th birthday. The day before (it fell on a Saturday that year blast it!!!!) I drove to his school and met him after school to hand him a 7 page letter I had written him. I would have liked to hear stories about how people (particularly men like your husband) didn't want to meet their birthparents BEFORE my son went to live with my dad's relatives - not AFTER the adoption. Perhaps that would have given me a leg to stand on in my quest to keep my child. However, telling them this now that the child is adopted, is only hurting them. They may have to come to the realization he wants nothing to do with them either, but that is their realization and it cannot be for a number of years anyways, so why get into it now. It's only heartache for everyone.

If you want to keep these people in your life and the life of your family, try to see this issue from their painful perspective. If not, so be it, and let them go.

[kune]

Hi Sarah

I looked it up in the dictionary -
Family (n) = A group of persons sharing common ancestry.
To me, Your family (adj) ...I would describe as competitive - Each trying hard to be top of the pecking order.

.. my son is being constantly put aside and compared to this child.

Not your problem....he's No 1 in your world and that's all he needs to feel.

I don't even consider the child my sons cousin as he is with an amazing family and will be so much better off.

Do you consider child your nephew? I can assure you that as a young adult he will wonder if his first family ever think of him as part of theirs.

.. but at this point they will not be having a relationship as i am losing my patience and want to protect my son from them and their disregard for his and my feelings

Retribution is very harmful.
No matter what, family is what secures us to this world. It's where we come from, where we learn behaviours and principles, who we turn to when things get tough, and the first people we share our joy with too. Good or bad traits learned from childhood we, in turn, pass onto our children...who do the same. If you want a better life for your son, you need to consciously change your own family values - you can't change that what has been before but you can show him you value your family even if they are difficult sometimes. Life isn't a competition - and should be lived the best way we know how without causing pain to others. In the years to come he will treat you similarly to how you now treat your own mother....so keep that in mind when you are questioning whether to be part of the mother/daughter relationship

it will be hard for me as so many emotions are behind this

Sarah If you didn't love them, there would be no problem. You could walk away. But love doesn't mean you have to agree with them either. You need to respect their right to thoughts and choices - but agree to disagree.

my sister does not even respect the Parents decision to name him something else.

Not your problem - you can't change it and as a birthmother from way back, I know your sister is hurting. She needs support and I think you are "big enough" to forget your hurt feelings and be the caring sister she needs at the moment instead of the judge.

Ann

[TxMom65]

I'm sure if I were your sister I would always look at your son and wonder if my son were doing the same things. Maybe it seems to take some of the spotlight off your son, but it is because she has lost her child.