[foreverthankful]

2 years ago i was reunited with my first son 29 years after we gave up "parental rights" W has been to visit a few times and we try to visit him and his family every 3 months or so.(they live 900 miles away) i married the birth father and we have had 2 other sons 25 , & 23 we had not told them about W until he contacted us... (we had a closed adoption and knew nothing about him or even if he knew he was adopted)
the reunion went better than we had ever hoped, since then hes met aunts uncles ,cousins, great aunts and uncles, been camping with the family, shared holidays, everything was laughter and happiness and finally that feeling of togetherness....both brothers have been to his home to visit ...all seemed to go well

until now..
we have just returned from a visit with W and was met with hostility from the youngest....he is sooo angry ... we think it is finally coming out, ... he refused to talk to us .. all he will say is that we should KNOW whats wrong....... we asked if he would go talk to some one... asked his brother if he knew ...all has been refused
we know it was a shock for both the younger boys.. both seemed to handle it well. we told them the reasons and the history , we made our selfs available for any questions telling them do not be afraid to ask you deserve the truth and you will get it . But their "friends" have said to them that they have been lied to all their lives.. we can only guess this is his dilemma...what else have we lied about ?????? He even called W and told him not to listen to anything we say..... what can i do to help my youngest get over this ??? if he refuses to talk to us and refuses to get help...seems now I've gained one son only to lose another... has anyone else gotten over this hurtle ???... foreverthankful...is now forever crying......

[keds]

(((hugs))) I can sooo relate. Our stories are very similar, my bson is 27 years old, I married the bdad and we have 2 other children - 19 and 17. In my case, bdad did not want me sharing the info with the children and I promised -until they were 18 or our son contacted us - a few months before our oldest turned 18 as it turned out. Bdad has not embraced the reunion, to put it lightly he's afraid his whole world is going to be turned upside down (so what!). My youngest has accepted our reasons for not sharing and is quite excited and went so far to tell me that it really doesn't have "any affect' on her. It's cool. The oldest on the other hand is quite upset - but keeping to herself. She's exchanged a few letters/e-mails but is keeping her distance and not willing to talk much. Of course, she has always been one to protect her heart. She too understands the reasons but their reactions have made it difficult. I guess, my advice would be let him work it out on his own - my oldest is coming around and it's been 2 years. She did tell me to leave her to deal with it and has asked me a few questions (after several months). I too was afraid of what she would say to her brother but, he has to make up his mind about all of us. I know she wouldn't say anything hurtful and I doubt your son would either - he's likely angry at being "lied to" and, as my other kids said, missing out on having another sibling. It's taken 2 years but I have realized that my relationship with my bson does not rely on his relationship with any other member of our family and vice versa. We all have to work things out on our own. As long as they know you're there when they need/want to talk that is all you can do - that awful word - patience! I'm looking forward to the other responses as I need all the help I can get too! Take care.

[Jackiejdajda]

foreverthankful

what can i do to help my youngest get over this ??? if he refuses to talk to us and refuses to get help...seems now I've gained one son only to lose another... has anyone else gotten over this hurtle ???... foreverthankful...is now forever crying..

My daughter did not react well when I told her I had given a child up for adoption.. she also said.."What else have you not told me."

I say allow him is anger.. Honor his anger..

Secrets and lies hurt.. I have never spoken with my third born son about how it affected him when I told..
He is a silent one..

I think there are some things we can not change.. and I know there are no excuses but.. maybe giving him information on the 'why of it' may help..
No one is perfect.. no one does this life perfect..

Jackie

[foreverthankful]

that i am not alone . from the beginning of the reunion we all commented on how easy it was, or so we thought!?!. after 2 years we are finding many more hurdles are ahead of us... my emotions are like a coaster ride now...... maybe its the terrible 2's ???.. when it gets too much i call my 1st son and just listen to his voice .. and when i hang i thank god that I CAN talk to him now... i am lucky and happy for that...when so may others get hostility.. i get love ... i just want it to be.. better soon......
thank you again for your help....

[foreverthankful]

thanks jackie he does know why we made our decision to give up parental rights to W he doesnt get it.. cant expect him to he didnt have to live it we all make choices for different reasons he doesnt get that either... hopefully if and when he grows up he can understand or at least except that it was "our " decision
maybe ??? one can hope!!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

he does know why we made our decision to give up parental rights to W he doesnt get it.. cant expect him to he didnt have to live it we all make choices for different reasons he doesnt get that either... hopefully if and when he grows up he can understand or at least except that it was "our " decision

I guess this is something he will have to sort himself..
Life is so darn hard.. we do the best we can.. as you well know..

I do know that my daughter came to me when she needed help and I was able to help her.. she knew I would not judge her..

Jackie