[Jackiejdajda]

I brought my son into the world in a military hospital. I shared an open ward with other new mothers... two of us at one end, the rest at the other -- they sang lullabies to their babies and took their babies home. The other woman and I cried ourselves to sleep at night. She had premature twins and I had a healthy son... we both cried for each other's loss.

The open ward was suffocating. I had to get out and away from the others ...I had to walk around. And, when I did, I came across "our husbands" from Viet Nam ... maimed and mangled. How dare the church couple use those men as a coverup for... the legitimacy of my pregnancy.

I am fallen right back into that time when I read your words Susan..
Uncaring.. people..
I had a woman put next to me that was keeping her baby.. The girl across from me was giving up like me..
She (the woman keeping) asked her doctor to be removed from our presence..

I felt guilty!

Can you believe that.. Ya I guess you can..

After I gave the bson up I traveled back to Canada.. A few years later..
Then I tuned in and dropped out of that society that was so incredibly hypocritical..

I can remember draft dodgers staying in houses of friends in Toronto.. and I remember men or boys coming across the border after being in prison for refusing to go.. or deserting..
One fellow was soooo white.. His skin was the wrong color..

That war gives me terrible pain.. If a song comes on that is about it.. I cry..

Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms

ELO Kuiama

Electric Light Orchestra Ii (1973)

Kuia in this country, they got rules with no reason
They teach you to kill and they send you away
With your gun in your hand, you pick up your pay
So cool, that no mercy tool.

Whenever I want to bring on the emotions I just sit and listen to that piece of music..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Jackie, thank you! I'm sorry for taking so long to respond. I've been in the thick of the sibling "reunion" for the past several weeks and now the aftermath

Susanne do not worry.. I send my missives into the nether and then wander away..
And when the reply or comment comes I just sit and read..

It’s a dangling conversation this.. It’s a universal truth that keeps coming back..

I just read the quote from ELO in the post (above)

“They teach you to kill and they send you away
With your gun in your hand, you pick up your pay
So cool, that no mercy tool.”

That no mercy tool.. My mom.. your mom.. Anything for the keeping our head up.. scenario.
I finally spoke with my sister about what happened.. we were separated and I was not allowed to tell her..
She said that if we had of told about me being pregnant she would have gotten it big time from her husbands parents..
They were ‘proper’..

My brother hadn't thought it was his "place" and didn't want to invade my privacy (as if any of us in this situation needs any more privacy or isolation!) But he finally approached me and asked how I was doing.

We ended up pulling an all-nighter, and it was a very beautiful experience. He asked me all kinds of things that no one in my family of origin had ever dared to ask me before--about the relationship with my son's bio-father, the pregancy, birth, and adoption, and what it's been like since my son's return... He asked such specific questions, it was like these things were somehow always on his mind and he was just very curious to know how it felt to have lived and to be living my story.

Its all a person needs isn’t it..
The reason behind not speaking about a terrible traumatic event is so incredibly flawed..
And its toxic for some.. I read the words of the adoptee that is refused contact.. and I just shake my head..
And I think of the woman buried alive in her secret keeping.. in her thinking that if she talks about it the sky will fall.. or bad things will happen.
And the pain keeps on giving..

How nice that your brother and you have spoken.. My Naomi and Davie my second and third born.. become close then they fight and it falls apart.. I hope and pray they stay close..
Families should not separate off..
My sister and I stopped speaking.. for years.

This was a healing moment for both of us, and my brother promised to use his experience of this conversation with me to facilitate understanding and acceptance in my family.

We learn..
My bson and my sisters son met for a dinner and drinks once..
My sisters son was in my bsons city on business.. they got on.. they liked each other..

What a thing..

Jackie

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

My brother is two years older than me as well... I was 18, he was 20. He has shown little interest in my reunion. I hope that we can have a heart-to-heart talk at some point, but I'm not counting on it. His loss, as far as I'm concerned. Still, it would be nice if he at least asked how I'm doing...

Susan, I know what you mean. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, and only my youngest sister, youngest sibling emailed to ask how I was doing when I first heard from the third party that my son had been looking for me (indirectly, but that's another story...) I have had constant support from two of my sisters-in-law, both of whom knew me in high school, before they knew my brothers. It seems that being "once-removed" makes it easier to offer support in my family.

My mother told me that I couldn't expect anyone to pay that much attention to it, since they were all so busy; that they just weren't feeling that the return of my son was all that relevant to their lives. Of course it seemed crazy to me that this return of the "secret kid" is such an ordinary thing to them that they can treat it with such nonchalance! And my mother's comment sounded like I should stop looking for attention or something (a "high crime" in my family, to call too much attention to yourself, a sin of pride...)

I always suspected it was something else, that what was really happening was that no one wanted to remember or call attention to this shameful period in my family's history. I've posted elsewhere that my family of origin has no marriages ended by death or divorce, no children from previous relationships, no second marriages, no "blendedness." I truly landed myself far "outside" the family culture and everyone would just as soon forget it.

I think they're pretty ambivalent, because they all love babies so much; all of our children--27 grandchildren in all, now that I'm allowed to count J among them--are cherished by all of us. And so I know they want to welcome my son into this group. But they don't have a category for him and in such a narrowly structured family, they're all trying to figure out where to put a son who has a father--and my son has two, bio and adopted!--who isn't a family member. I know it sounds anal and silly, but it's really what's happening here.

Consequently, no one wants to talk about it, and so they act disinterested and busy. And I think when they're forced to deal with it, as they are with the family holiday party approaching, they can't help but think about how I disrupted the family 28-29 years ago, presenting evidence of my unacceptable behavior and choices and forcing them to confront that "these things" do, indeed, happen in our family!

Over the past couple of months, things have gotten somewhat better. I've had a couple of good talks and letters exchanged with my mother, and it feels like we're getting somewhere normal. My dad still hasn't said a word to me directly, but that's not unusual so it doesn't bother me. My oldest sister has called to say she'd like me to feel free to share anything, and I've been able to talk to her some. She still has this weird judgement about the sex-without-marriage piece (bizarre to me to fixate on such a thing when we're all in our 40s and 50s now!) but I know she's really trying. And she even organized a "grandchildren scrapbook" for my mother that includes my firstborn, and I'll love her always for this.

Now that my oldest brother has broken the ice and there's been some direct, but less detailed contact with another, I think the youngest one may come around, and may even tell his kids about J before the family party. I still don't know about my younger sister, who has been the most remote; at first she was extremely vocal about not talking about "adult topics in front of the children" (her oldest is 17!), and since July she has been silent and we've barely spoken. She is furous with me for forcing her to have to discuss this with her children. I haven't tried to force her, but she knows that J's presence in my family and at the family party forces the issue. I still don't know where that will lead, but in less than a month I will, I guess...

I think that both the timing of my pregnancy--in the teen and young adult stages of my siblings-- but even more so, my parents' reaction to it, set all of us up for this stonewalling, denial-fest in my family with regard to J's return to us. I've posted elsewhere that although when different family members heard the story of his painful upbringing and adolescence they were mostly of the opinion that he needs us, I maintain that we probably need him more. This family has a lot to learn and isn't it wonderful and ironic that it'll likely be that this thrice-abandoned, former drug-abusing, high school drop-out will be the one to teach us? Makes me giggle just to think about it....

I hope you hear from your brother and one day finally have that heart-to-heart. I agree: if you don't, it's truly his loss.

Hugs,
Susanne

[SuddenlySusan]

Interesting that you mention your sisters-in-law.

My brother's ex-wife, I guess that makes her my sister-out-law (LOL!)... has been incredibly supportive. In fact, she will soon begin communicating with R's amom via email. AND, she's helping me to plan a multi-family reunion next year to introduce R and his amom and asis to all his cousins and other family members. My sister-out-law's oldest son (my brother's oldest son) flew from Texas to Washington for our "mini" reunion in October. And yet, my brother can't seem to be bothered with sending a simple, short email.

Yup. His loss x 10. For now, I'll settle for celebrating with his ex-wife and their six adult children and 20 grandchildren. As my drill sergeant said to us, "One monkey don't stop no show." LOL!

Peace,
Susan