[reluctantgrma]

My family is struggling with our 21 year old, recovering addicts decision to have a baby as a single parent. She has stayed sober for the past year but has been unable or unwilling to remain employed. She is currently living in a recovery house and attending a trade school part time (as far as we know). She is not married to the birth father, also in recovery. He has relapsed twice in the last 3 months, has a child he has never seen due to drug
abuse and has a criminal record. My husband and I are in our early 50's with another child currently in college. We would be thrilled to have a grandchild under different (better) circumstances. We are anxious about the situation, although our pregnant daughter seems oblivious and in fact gets angry when we point out our concerns for this baby. We have pointed out that adoption, although painful for all of us, is a loving option.
Advice?

[SuddenlySusan]

A lot of things came to mind when I read your post, but perhaps we can start a dialogue and sort through some of the issues you mentioned.

I'll introduce myself by saying that I am a reunited first mother as well as mother to my adult daughter who chose to parent her baby without the involvement of her baby's father. So, my frame of reference includes being a grandma to a child from a single mom, as well as having surrendered my firstborn when I was 18.

I would ask you these questions:
What would be the different/better circumstances that would change your perspective from reluctant to thrilled?
What do you fear most with the current circumstances?
What do you include in your knowledge base regarding adoption issues?...books? counseling? personal experience?
Do you have a support system/network (friends, church, etc.) in place for yourself?

The situation you described is complex, and there are many perspectives. You'll get more responses from others on the forum, but I thought I'd just toss out a few questions to ponder as you're sorting through things. Not like you need more questions, but sometimes more questions lead to clarification of issues and possible answers.

Looking foward to hearing from you again...

Peace,
Susan
(first mother, in reunion)

[josh1788smom]

This is totally MY opinion based only on MY circumstances - stay out of it.

My parents interjected what their wishes and beliefs and Bull pucky was into the situation when I was pregnant with my son and that is how I got to this forum. If my parents would have just been supportive parents - rather than people who looked at what it would do to them, the baby, me whatever the excuses may be - I would be raising my son right now and not be a "birthmother" - a term and a fact I HATE! Any situation is temporary so it too will pass. But I've got to tell you - MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS IS FOREVER DAMAGED BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF THEIR SUPPORT AND THEIR FORCING THE ADOPTION OF MY SON.

Don't end up in my boat if you don't want to be there.

Again - these are MY OPINIONS based on my circumstances. If you want to PM me for more - I'd be glad to share.

Best of luck to your family as you work through this.

Conflicts can come at your family in many shapes and sizes - at least a baby is a blessing.

[lonni]

My opinion is to not push adoption on her.(I am adopted and adoptive mom)
She did not bring it up.
The pain from adoption loss could be so hard that she relapses into eternity. And you would always know that you suggested it.
Start planning to be the world's best and most helpful Grandmommy!!(JMO)

[quantum]

One thought that quickly comes to mind is that we rarely in life get to pick the 'perfect' moment.

I'm encouraged by the fact that your daughter has been sober for a year. As far as holding down a job, well maybe taking responsibility for her child will help her to WANT to do settle down more.

It IS a scary thing. I chose adoption, I wish I'd known more about how it was going to affect me. If it's not something that she's interested in, please don't push her. Try to help her to understand what it means to be a good parent. Try to show her what things she needs to think about to make the best life possible for her child.

My parents didn't say much about my choice to relinquish but I know now that my mother has a lot of issues around the fact that she didn't keep him in the family. My birthson is the only grandson, I managed to find him and am working on a relationship with him, but I don't know when/if I'll be ready to introduce him to my parents.

Try to give your daughter as much emotional support and help as you can. Think back to when you were pregnant and how you would have felt if someone said 'you need to give that child away'.

I'm sorry that I can't be super supportive of pushing your daughter into adoption, I lived with 22 years of silence and pain of not knowing about my son. Now I know and it hurts so badly that I've missed those years with him.

Please, ask questions, keep us informed, we do want to help!

[zxczxcasdasd]

I have 2 stories to offer...

First, my dear son was born to my husband and his high school girlfriend. It was as un-ideal a situation as you can imgaine. But because his parents were willing to step up to the plate with help and support until my hubby could do it on his own, that child is now a fabulous college freshman who makes every single one of us proud and none of us regret a single thing- no matter how many ways it could have been a better situation in the beginning or how much it was not what anyone planned for those first few years.

Secondly, my brother-in-law was born to an absent dad (navy-good man, but just gone all the time) and a selfish, immmature, unloving 20-yr old woman who pretty much neglected him in any way possible as he grew. But because he had the rock-solid love and stability of his grandparents (his mom's parents), sometimes living with them for entire summers, he is now a highly successful adult who is a fabulous, fabulous father to his 2 boys and has a respect and a love for his grandparents that no one could shake.

My advice is to look beyond what the situation is now (which might entail greiving for the letting go of certain hopes), and even beyond all the ways it is disappointing and scary and could be better, and to think of all the ways in which this child is going to need you and all the ways in which you can contribute to this child's well-being. Secondly, to understand that the best way to be able to be of support to a child is to be of support to his/her parent. It is not what you hoped for or planned, but things rarely are. Do your best to turn your focus to being this child's loving and supportive grandparents by standing with, and not against, his/her mother.

Just my opinion.

God Bless you as you navigate this.

[josh1788smom]

Rock on Heidi -

You always say things so much clearer than I can.

Gma - I think you have gotten a lot of uselful perspective here. I hope this is helping.

[reluctantgrma]

Thank you all for your responses. You have given us much to think about. I first want to say that we have not/will not push adoption as it clearly causes pain and regret. We have been thinking that because our daughter is unable, at this time in her life, to provide a stable home for her baby, that adoption could be in the best interest of her child.

[MamaS]

I was 50 when my 20-year-old daughter became a single mother. I also urged adoption because I believed that my grandchild deserved a stable two-parent family who is young enough to parent.While she was drug-free during the pregnancy, she relapsed almost immediately afterward. I tried to be "supportive". I bought her a house and paid all bills for the first two years. She and the father were into and out of drugs and jails for the next three years. They never bothered to get jobs, but always had money through drug sales and connections.
It is now three years later. I had to take early retirement to raise my grandson. The court gave my permanent custody with no visitation for the parents.
Since I was living in a "retirement subdivision" with no children, I was forced to move.
I love my grandson. He is a good, intelligent, healthy child. But I don't think this is the best situation for him. I have health issues and can't play chase or push him in swings. Our money is limited so I cannot pay for daycamps. He plays soccer at church and plays with friends there. I wish I could get him involved in scouts, karate, little league, etc. but those are expensive and require parent involvement that I can't do. I also worry that I won't be able to see him through to adulthood and he might have to go and live with distant relatives that he doesn't know well.
As much as I love him, I do think my daughter and his father were selfish in refusing to place for adoption. They have limited his life and changed my life and haven't changed their lifestyles at all!

[josh1788smom]

ReluctantGrma - I've got to say - ditch the "best interest" line. In my opinion, "in the best interest of the child" is the phrase people use to sleep at night after they force someone to place their child.

It is not in the "best interest" to make the child question why he was not good enough for his mom to keep him. My 18 year old son has issues with that.

[reluctantgrma]

Joshsmom, I understand what you mean and I don't want that either. My own mother was a 22 year old single parent 52 years ago. The difference between my daughter and my mother is addiction. My mother was willing and able to work. The angst we are feel is coming from my daughter (and the baby's father) not "stepping up to the plate".

[StacyKelly2]

I read your post and I know this must be extremely hard for you. I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 2 year old boy who we have had since birth. For us it was extremely important that the birth mom would be at peace with us and her choice of adoption. She told me it was so hard at first, but she is now so at peace because she knows her son is just so very much loved-and she told us she could not have picked more perfect parents!! For us, that means the world. Our son's birth mom has blessed us, and has answered our long awaited prayers. Please, just don't push the issue so much. You never know once the baby is born, hopefully your daughter will want only to do the best for her baby. A child is such a little miracle, and truly a blessing!! For now, just stand by your daughter...give her some time. - While I can imagine your concern one about responsibility and for that matter a job- hopefully things will fall into place. The best you can do is be there, and if need be protect that little angel. You just never know how things turn out- Keep us posted...

[srusse24]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

ReluctantGrma - I've got to say - ditch the "best interest" line. In my opinion, "in the best interest of the child" is the phrase people use to sleep at night after they force someone to place their child.

It is not in the "best interest" to make the child question why he was not good enough for his mom to keep him. My 18 year old son has issues with that.

Not every child of adoption has those issues. And I do not agree that "in the best interest of the child" is simply a phrase to help people sleep at night. Maybe not in your case, but in some, it truly is in the best interest of the child to be raised by a family other than the child's biological one.

To the orginal poster, I do think you have your daughter and the child's best interest in mind. While it is wonderful that you are offering her possible options, it is ultimately her decision. If she places her child reluctantly, she may regret it later and place blame on you.

[StacyKelly2]

I agree 100% with Srusse24 for some children it is in the best interest to be raised by someone else. Clearly this mom is concerned for her daughter and for that little angel which she has every right to be. The concerns she poses are good ones. Concerns of her daughter not having a job, or being in recovery for one year- Not saying your daughter cannot change for the better. Taking the step and being in recovery is just the best thing for her right now, hopefully everything else will fall into place..

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by StacyKelly2

I agree 100% with Srusse24 for some children it is in the best interest to be raised by someone else. Clearly this mom is concerned for her daughter and for that little angel which she has every right to be. The concerns she poses are good ones. Concerns of her daughter not having a job, or being in recovery for one year- Not saying your daughter cannot change for the better. ..

I agree with you ((StacyKelly)).

In some cases, it is best for the children.....as well as the bmom.

My dd bmom says, it was the best choice she made, now 6 years into our open adoption. Things are working out for her and life is better then ever for her. We continue to grow close and become friends. We feel our daughter has the best of both worlds. Her bmom is parenting an older son. Our daughter during her first year in school was diagnosed with ADHD. This requireis constant care, doctors appointments, behavioral modification, help with homework for up to 3 hours a night. Dd bmom is a single working mom and already supporting one son and not having a good paying job, knows she could not meet any of the needs her daughter will require. It reinforces in her, that her decision many years ago, was the right one for the child.

Really good news is that for the first time in dd bmom life, she bought her first car. Had good credit and now has a nice place to live.