[spiralsister]

Hi all.

I just had the biggest shock of my life earlier this week when my mother told me she had something to tell me that was ‘very surprising’. I have a half sister I never knew about who my mother gave up for adoption 10 years before I was born. This ‘baby’ is now 30 and married. She is moving to England in a few weeks, so my mother, sister (the one I grew up with, not the long lost one. l) and I are flying over to meet her next weekend.

I just can’t get over the shock of all this. My Mum and I are close, and we talk about everything, so the fact that she has had this big secrete for all these years is all most unbelievable to me, but also really sad. No one in my family but one of my Aunts and my Dad knows about this, so my Mum pretty much went through this all by her self. I’ve asked her about some of the details of the adoption and she was willingly shared, but I just have so many questions running through my head, and I don’t want to bombard her with them. This is something she has kept to herself, probably to protect us, knowing her, but still I feel rude pressing when I suppose it’s not strictly my business.

It is selfish I know, but this whole thing has really shaken me. I feel like what I though my family was and my position in it has changed. I was the eldest and while that doesn’t really mean anything and it shouldn’t be important, it was still apart of who I am. Or was. I can’t tell you how weird it is to think that I was wrong every time I thought about being my mother first pregnancy, birth and baby.

My siblings and I talked about that sort of thing quite a lot. We would ask silly questions as children like “Which baby hurt the most to have?”, “Which pregnancy was easier?” Mum would always compare the three of us and we would have long conversations about those types of things. Now that all seems like a lie. So much was missing and hidden from us.

And I know, it’s so self absorbed to be thinking this way. I wasn’t the one who was adopted. It shouldn't be as big of a deal, as for my Mum and half-sister, but still I just can’t stop thinking like this.

Now I’m meeting this girl, my half sister. I have heard lots of reunion stories here and other places on the web, and all seem to have gone really well, but that can’t always be the case, right? Do any of you have any tips for going to meet her? I’m so worried that she won’t like us and that it will be awkward and horrible. I know my Mum is too.

I’m sorry to post this long rant, I don’t know if this is this right place to put it, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I don’t feel like I should tell my friends, as even my Grandmother doesn’t know, and besides its not really my secrete to share. If anyone has any advice, or has been through a similar thing I would love to hear from you.

[quantum]

Poor you!
One thing that I've learned from being a part of these forums is that the secrets can indeed cause a lot of pain for everyone involved! Of course you got blindsided and it's a LOT to deal with!!!
I would first recommend talking to your mum about what you're feeling. Or at least asking her why she never talked about it and so on. I am guessing it was a combination of being too hard and not knowing how!
I'm lucky in a way, I began the reunion process with my 22 year old bson in February and my daughters that I am raising are only 2 and 4. Since they've met him and hopefully will continue to have contact with him, it will just be 'normal' in their lives.

I'm sure a lot of the people here will have really good advice for you! I just wanted to put in my 2 cents.

By the way, as to meeting your sister, just be yourself! You'll either get along with her or you won't, just like with all people, but it will probably be just fine!

Keep us updated!!!

[spiralsister]

Thank you kindly for your advice.

I would feel odd talking to my Mum about how I feel odd about it when it must be 100 times worse for her, but also a lot more painful.

I did ask her how come I never knew anything about this, and she said that it’s just not something you talk about. I guess she just didn’t feel the need to bring my siblings in me into it, because she never thought we would hear from this girl. Also her family doesn’t know about it (she was living overseas at the time).

I think your right about meeting her. There isn’t much I can do other than be my self. I just know that my mother is worried because my half-sisters, adopted sister (wow things are suddenly so complicated LOL) met her birth family and it went really well, and that’s why she wants to meet us. She’s kind of worried we/the reunion won’t live up to her expectations.

[portlowski]

I am just a lurker on this board...but there's a book that might help shed some light on your mom's situation. It's called "The Girls who Went Away" and iot s about adoption in the days when it was considered shameful to have an out of wedlock pregnancy. I gave it as a gift to my best friend who was adopted and having trouble understanding why her birthmom didn't want a reunion.

Good luck...you sound like a very kind and thoughtful person. All you can do is be your best self and hope that other parties will do the same!

[Jackiejdajda]

Please don’t expect a lot from your mom when she reunites with her birthdaughter and your half sister.

Secret keeping was the rule in the closed era and it becomes a way of life..

Thinking about (or having emotions about) the birthson or daughter is pushed back and away the moment the thoughts come up..
And now your mom will be confronted with all of it at once..

Please urge your mom to find a support group.. Does she post on the net?
If she wants to email me and I can give her info.. my email address is in my profile..

If not help her/urge her to find help.

I am so sorry you are going through this.. it must be very difficult for you..
The secret era is and was tough on a lot of people.. Folks thought this secret keeping was a very good solution to giving a woman a new start in life and making sure the baby was a clean slate for the new family..
Naïve thinking I agree..

Jackie

[lonni]

My birth sister struggles with this as well. We have been reunited sonce 1984 and she found out about me shortly before we met. She is only 12 months younger and has always been the oldest.
Now we joke about it, as I boss her around as much as possible just for fun- heh heh

[Leigh131313]

My mom told me when I was a teen that my cousin was actually my bio-half-sister.

So, I kinda get what you are talking about. I was a bit luckier in that I knew my half-sis already and had a great relationship with her.

But I can relate to the whole weirdness of things being "not really as they are". I still consider my brother the oldest. I honestly don't consider my bio-half-sis to be my sister - not in the ways that matter. However, I do love her and am so glad we are friends.


I just wanted to send some love your way and wish you well on your journey.

[spiralsister]

Thank you all for replying. It feels good just to tell you about this and have you understand where I'm coming from. I think that I am just going to have to try and be more positive. Even though I am very shocked it is still an exciting thing just to meet this girl and see what she looks like, what her personalitiies like etc. I think I need to go into this meeting and try not to have either good or bad expectations, but take it all as it comes, instead of obbsessing over all the good and bad things that could happen.

[TxMom65]

Ok, this isn't to any way compare to adoption but an example of how times have changed.
My Mom never told us that she had been briefly married and then divorced. It was a huge secret because people didn't do that back then. My Dad's family was upset that he married someone who had been married. No kids were involved but it was something that was not to be talked about.

To this day my Mom won't discuss it. I was about 20 when I found out and wondered how much more was there that I didn't know about. Your Mom had such pressure to not only keep it a secret but to forget it and go on as if it never happened. I hope the reunion is a happy one for all. Please update after you meet your half sister.