[lorasmom]

About 9 months ago, my sister announced that she was pregnant. Shortly after, her fiance and her split up, and immediately following, she said she had a miscarriage.

Flash forward several months, and it looked like she was gaining a lot of weight. I asked her about it, she said it was just weight gain, she wasn't eating right, etc.

About a month ago, she went to the emergency room because she said she was having cramping. She said, at the time, that it was because she had not gone through with the D&C all those months back, and that the tissue never passed naturally.

Now, it's come out that it's possible that my sister did not have a D&C, but rather, that she actually had a baby, and gave the baby up for adoption.

My questions are...
She was admitted to the hospital overnight, and stayed for about 36 hours. Is that sufficient time to legally give your baby up for adoption? There was no indication that she was doing any of this prior to the hospital visit.
Any chance of locating this baby, with or without her help?
Would you want/try to locate the baby?

It breaks my heart, I would have helped, would have taken care of this baby if I had known. We've always been fairly close, I have a good life- we own a home, we have 3 great girls, we make a good living. I just can't imagine why she would do this without talking to anyone.... without letting us know this baby, or even having a chance?

[browneyes0707]

It breaks MY heart to read this thread, basically because it is possible for this to happen, I know because I did it. I had my DD and signed papers and left the hospital all in 36 hours. And no one from my family knew, and I'm sure that they would have said the same things you did. I was just a scared teenager at the time. But I was of age, and it was completely legal.

To answer your question as her sister you will have a difficult time tracking the child. HIPPA laws prohibit the hospital from releasing any info regarding the birth to anyone other than designated parties. You don't know if she used an agency, or had a private domestic adoption or gave birth and had the child placed in foster care at the hospital. Chances are if she has gone out of her way to conceal the pregnancy, she didn't give any permission to anyone to discuss her case with anyone other than those directly involved.

What I do wonder, however, is if the father of her child is aware of the birth and adoption. That can be an EXTREMELY sticky situation if not, as he is the only other person who can prevent the adoption from going forward without his TPR. He will have legal recousrse if it is deemed that the child was placed without his consent, and that is a LONG and heartbreaking ordeal for everyone involved.

I don't know how old your sister is, but I know she must have her reasons for hiding the pregnancy. It is pretty safe to say that she fears judgement, and that is why she is denying it. If you are fairly close as you say, talk to her, openly and candidly without judging her. Maybe she will confess (if there is something to confess to!) but if she fears disapproval, she will probably continue to deny it.

Just be there for her. Support her even if you don't agree with her decision. That is what she needs right now!

Good luck!

[eliza4]

i was admitted on a wednesday night and discharged that saturday. paperwork was done while i was at "home"...but i'd say the majority of stuff was tied up in the hospital. i'd say the only thing is to be there for your sister...it took me 3 months to fess up to my sister and i swore her to secrecy for almost 17 years.

[BrandyHagz]

When I had my son, I was in the hospital 24 hours. With my daughter, who I placed, it was just over, more like 32 (I check in early early in the AM and checked out the next day, late morning).

All of the papers were signed after I left the hospital - not while I was in the hospital.

It's possible that is the case here.

Do you know the laws in the state where she gave birth?

In the end, it really is her decision - and while I'm sure you would have helped - the decision was hers to make and that needs to be respected.

I wont touch the issues regarding fathers rights - given the current trend of 'unknown' fathers out there.

[thanksgivingmom]

I surrendered my DD at the hospital and was only there for about an hour total (had her at home). Concealed everything from family. I had my reasons, and if your sister has placed her child, my guess is she has hers.

Like other have said, respect her decision. I was afraid my friends and family wouldn't and that's why they still don't know.

Best of luck to you and your sister.

[Tigger27]

I had my first girl and was in the hospital for about 72 hours because she had to stay an extra day for jaundice then I went to the agency and signed the papers.

With my second girl, I was in the hospital for about 48 hours and then went to the agency and signed the papers. I had planned on signing the papers at 24 hours in the hospital because I felt the need to make sure she was safe and protected from the bfather as soon as I could. When the time came though and they asked me if I wanted to sign at 24 hours, I didn't feel as much of a need to sign and wasn't ready so I waited until I was released from the hospital and at the agency to sign at 48 hours.

From what I'm aware...it is legal and possible to sign in most places anytime from 24 hours on after the baby is born.

Like others have said, it really was her decision to make and her decision needs to be respected.

[keds]

I too, signed within 24 hours - I think I was still being stiched up! You have to respect the decision but be supportive. It is a hard line but at the moment she needs you to be there for her. You can ask her if she's sure but that may come off as confrontational. I'm sorry, I can't offer better advice but my feelings and opinions aren't important, her decision is and she likely needs to hear your words of encouragement. If it isn't meant to be, she'll know.

[lonni]

I am going to tell you my honest opinion of what I would do, which goes against the suggestions so far.
As an adoptee, I would want everyone in my bfamily to be considered to raise me, who is healthy both emotionally and physically able to love me and raise me well.I have always wondered why no one stepped up to take me in in my birth family. Other adoptees may feel different.
But I would just gently tell my sister that if she has a baby, you will help her.Then let her decide.But this is so monumentous and lifechanging for all involved in the birth family(adoptee include especially) and she may have not wanted to "bother" anyone. Well, BOTHER me please sister!!! ThaT is what family is for, !!They walk IN the door when everyone else is walking OUT." (slight variation on the friend quote I heard) Just my opinion ONLY from feeling abandoned by my whole birth family.

[lorasmom]

Thank you for the replies. I know that it is her decision, and I will respect that, but I just... feel like not all of the options were "visible" to her at the time.
lonni, your post is exactly what I was thinking... years and years from now, what is this child going to think? As happy as his life may be, I don't ever want him to think he was unwanted by us - HE IS!

To answer some other questions, we are in Florida. I've been reading, and it honestly sounds like gobledy gook to me.

My understanding is that the father is NOT aware, but I may be mistaken.

It's not a subject that will be easy to discuss, I found out on accident, and I don't think I was supposed to know. I don't know how I'd even bring it up. I don't want to alienate her any more than she must feel to have done this as such a secret, but... I am there for her, whether or not she knows it.

[eliza4]

as a birthmom...i worried about the abandonment questions. when i returned home, i wrote DD a letter and held on to that letter forever...actually until i visited her area again...8 years later. i left the letter with the lawyer who handled everything and said just in case DD asks. DD is very comfortable with the fact that i did what she sees as the best thing for all of us-she has a fantastic mom and this whole other family she's getting to know slowly. she never once said she felt abandoned and her mom was instrumental in that. DD's first question to me was why didn't my family know about her...and i did my best to explain that.

[amyshaw]

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Maybe your sister DID consider letting you (or someone else in the family) raise the baby, but she thought that would be too painful. When I placed my daughter, I was told she was going out-of-state, and actually, that was some what of a relief. In my state of mind, I could NOT have watched someone else raise my child.