[cancan]

Hi. I found out when I was 28 years old that my parents had a child before I was born and put her up for adoption. I was only told because she contacted my parents after 35 years. Until that point I thought I was an only child. Needless to say it was a HUGE shock. My parents (who are now divorced) and my sister have begun a great relationship- everyone was glad to meet each other and there were generally no hard feelings. Except that I'm not so in to suddenly having a new member of the family. She's just a random person to me, but I'm supposed to feel like she's my sister cause we have the same genes? I've been looking for a forum or something for support for adult birth siblings, but haven't come across anything at all. Has anyone else had an experience like this? Or does anyone know any relevant website, groups, books or anything about this topic? Thanks

[amyshaw]

I don't know if this will help or not, but here goes. Last summer, I thought I found my daughter (turned out to be a scam, but that's another LONG story). Anyway, this 21yo girl decided to come visit for a week or so. I sat my kids down and had a talk with them. There's 4 of them, ranging in age from 16 down to 12 (at the time). They already knew about my daughter (they grew up knowing there was another sibling out there somewhere) and I told them to treat her respectfully, but like a new class mate. They weren't expected to fall in love with her, they would not be allowed to treat her badly. They could come to their own conclusions about whether they'd be friends, siblings, or just acquaintances. Their choice, individually. My daughter treated her like the big sister immediately, the boys were indifferent. Now that there's no contact, so it doesn't affect their lives anymore.

My advice would be, take it slow. Get to know her. Maybe you could become friends, maybe not. Maybe you have things in common, but you might be total opposites. Just because you share genes, that does NOT mean you have to like her, and she doesn't have to like you. Think about all your friends that have siblings--do they ALL get along? Probably not.

Hopefully somebody here will come up with a web-site for you, but for now, take it a day at a time, and good luck!

[SuddenlySusan]

Hi, CanCan...

That must have been quite a shock for you, especially thinking you were an only child. I'm a bmom, just recently reunited with bson (age 36) -- via email, no phone or in-person contact yet. My DS (33) and DD (30) have known about him since they were young, and DD had been searching for him for 7 years. She assisted in making the first contact with bson and is definitely way more into the reunion than DS. Although DS does read the emails that are sent back and forth, he has chosen not to write to bson yet. DS has, however, agreed to accompany me for the first in-person contact, whenever that happens.

For DD, it was instant joy. For DS, well, he's taking his time and checking things out cautiously. He is being open-minded, but not putting himself in the middle of things, definitely keeping his distance.

amyshaw wrote: "Think about all your friends that have siblings--do they ALL get along? Probably not."

I agree. I have sisters who are TWINS, and they are sooo opposite from each other, both in appearance and personality, it's almost unbelievable. They actually have less contact with each other than they do with the rest of the sibs. But, at least they grew up knowing each other existed...

Try reading "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" -- I found a copy through Amazon. You may also want to talk to your parents some more about the surrender of your sister. Sounds like it happened during the time when open adoptions were almost unheard of. A book that will help you understand how things happened "back then" is "The Girls Who Went Away" although it may not pertain to what happened with your parents, which is why it would be good to talk to them more about it.

My best advice: keep an open mind, keep an open heart, and be patient. Perhaps find a counselor trained in adoption therapy.

Best wishes,
Susan

[FLVal]

This is my first post, as over the weekend my Mom revealed a 45 year secret to me, that she had a baby boy 4 years before, and before she met my Dad. I was absolutely shocked, but it was 1962, and she was young and I understand the decision to give him up for adoption, after trying to raise him by herself for 3 months. My Dad and Grandmother have know this for 45 years, and I feel like my whole life is in question now, for many reasons. I would like to make it clear that I understand the decision to give him up for adoption, and I support that decision. My problem is that I am having lots of very strong emotions including anger, because so much of the emotional dysfunction in my family makes so much sense now...after I've suffered through it. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and I am currently 41 (F), for some more background. I am thinking I really need to see a therapist, but was hoping for some feedback and online resource advice from anyone here on the forum. Thank you so much for listening.

Valerie

[Dickons]

Valerie,

My thoughts as I am the "birth sibling" side of the coin. You say you understand the reason for the dysfunction in your family now and you are angry. You have a right to be angry but please do not let that anger affect your potential for a great sibling relationship.

Educate yourself on adoption in the early 60's. There were no options, abortion was illegal, children out of wedlock were not accepted, young mothers had no idea of the heart ache and grieving that were to follow them their whole life, it really was the only choice at the time. Adoption of children into non-family homes was in it's initial stages and nobody had the info we have today. Trying to understand the mindset then, may help you feel better.

Back to your birth sibling... I so want to have the opportunity to meet my siblings and see if there is a connection/bond. I do not believe that "growing up with the sibling is what creates the bond", it certainly didn't for me growing up with adopted siblings. So much of who we are is in our genes that if given the chance, I believe a wondeful relationship can happen. I think that is why I kept trying and hoping. My fingers are crossed right now that by paternal half brother wants to get to know me.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by FLVal

This is my first post, as over the

Originally Posted by FLVal

weekend my Mom revealed a 45 year secret to me, that she had a baby boy 4 years before, and before she met my Dad. I was absolutely shocked, but it was 1962, and she was young and I understand the decision to give him up for adoption, after trying to raise him by herself for 3 months. My Dad and Grandmother have know this for 45 years, and I feel like my whole life is in question now, for many reasons. I would like to make it clear that I understand the decision to give him up for adoption, and I support that decision. My problem is that I am having lots of very strong emotions including anger, because so much of the emotional dysfunction in my family makes so much sense now...after I've suffered through it. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and I am currently 41 (F), for some more background. I am thinking I really need to see a therapist, but was hoping for some feedback and online resource advice from anyone here on the forum. Thank you so much for listening.

Valerie

Valerie, It's been a while since you posted this. How are you doing? Is your mother open to talking with you about how this has impacted both your lives? Can you express your feelings in ways that don't attack? (I am feeling angry because I feel like this secret affected every aspect of my life growing up with you..., etc) Recognize that what you are experiencing is grief... at the loss of trust (secrets are NOT healthy for families) for the functionality or you family, etc.

I am a bmom with a 35 yr old bson, my other 2 are currently 31 & 29. While the adoption was never a secret, I've recently become aware of just how much it's effected my entire life including the way I raised my other two. That's a sorrow I'm dealing with right now.

This forum can give you a place to work out what's happening to and with you. (Just remember - the advice is worth what you pay for it!)

[FLVal]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

How are you doing? Is your mother open to talking with you about how this has impacted both your lives? Can you express your feelings in ways that don't attack? (I am feeling angry because I feel like this secret affected every aspect of my life growing up with you..., etc) Recognize that what you are experiencing is grief... at the loss of trust (secrets are NOT healthy for families) for the functionality or you family, etc.

Yes, it has been a while. You seem to know exactly where I am at emotionally. Since finding out, I have gone through so many emotions and I know I need to sit down and discuss them, but I don't want to be hurtful, so I am allowing myself the time to process it. Having my entire life pass before my eyes again has been exhausting. My family has a history of secrets and I have always despised it...only this one is one that has been held from me, by 4 of them. Because I don't want to be hurtful, I feel like I have fallen into this emotionally numbness when conversing with my Mom over this time. I just cannot be the same at this time....things have changed and I do feel differently...I am not one to put on a happy face. I spent my childhood doing that and this is what it got me...the surprise of a lifetime. Sorry to ramble....I so much appreciate what you said. I think maybe the best thing would be for me to talk with a professional...I just worry that detailing and filling in the blanks of 40+ years will take forever. In the meantime, I just try to gt through one day at a time with my feelings, and hope that I can come to a calmness that is safe for talking with her. I love her no doubt, but I am angry....and those feeling have nothing to do with the adoption itself...I feel I must make that clear. I do understand that part....Very much so.

Thanks for listening,
Valerie

[snuffie]

I am a reunited adoptee so I'm on the "other end" of the coin. I have tried to put myself into the opposite side too. The shock, the feeling of betrayal, the hurt. I have read a lot about adoption and had some friends who became pregnant in high school. It was horrible for them. They were literally not allowed in school nor any school functions. The were ostracized and so were their families. I recently went to a class reunion and one of my friends who had given up a baby boy in our senior year was there. Her son had recently found her and she had never told her children of his existence. This made it much more difficult. (Her husband knew so that was a huge help.) The son who had always thought he was the oldest was angry, her middle son took the news very well and was excited about another sibling, her daughter felt betrayed because her mom had kept a huge secret from her. Your feelings are so normal. It has been a bit over a year now and everyone has come to terms with the "secret" and are moving forward building a relationship.

I think it is good to seek help from an adoption knowledgeable counselor to deal with your emotions and feelings. But it is also good to try to move forward because the past, whether we know the whys of it all is truly the past and can't be changed. We can only become enlightened by knowing it.

You may never become best buddies with your "new" sibling or they may become a soul mate. Each situation is totally different. In my own situation, I have been extremely blessed. My siblings welcomed me and I am one of the family. That is what I always wanted. But that is not what every reunited sibling wants either.

I think it is a good thing to keep a very open mind and to see where life takes your relationship.

Best wishes to you.

Snuffie

[EZ2Luv]

I too am a reunited adoptee. the thing is I had a great relationshipwith the bsiblings before we all found out about the 48yr secret. My Bmom was my Amomys sister (Younger by 2 yrs, 28 at the time of my birth. When they found out about me, they disowned me as a cousin, friend or anything else. They accused me of trying to "claim" their deseased mother. What ever that means, as I have a living mother that I love very much and wouldn't trade for the world. They only one that was seemingly a tad understanding was the youngest one (33yrold b sis) andf taht was only because of her need for dinacial asistance that I provided. In other words, she was playing me. I have since cut my losses and moved on. the thing is, I never sought bfamily out for any kind of relationship, all I wanted was medical historybecause I was faced with a medical situation.
I can completely understand the shock (I always knew I was adopted) but the mind blower was finding out that my bmother was someone Iknew all mylife and these cousins were in fact siblings. I think it is the lies and feelings of betrayl that really causes the anger andconfusion. I mean here is a mother that you have know all your life as being only your mother and you traust her only to find out that there is a part of her that you nothing about.
The saddest part of the whole thing in my case is that prior to finding out these cousins were infact bsibs,we had great relationships. Now they curse they day I was born and hate me to the max. It used to hurt but now it only serves to make me even more grateful for my abrother who loves me unconditionally.

EZ

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by FLVal

Yes, it has been a while. You seem to know exactly where I am at emotionally. Since finding out, I have gone through so many emotions and I know I need to sit down and discuss them, but I don't want to be hurtful, so I am allowing myself the time to process it. Having my entire life pass before my eyes again has been exhausting. My family has a history of secrets and I have always despised it...only this one is one that has been held from me, by 4 of them. Because I don't want to be hurtful, I feel like I have fallen into this emotionally numbness when conversing with my Mom over this time. I just cannot be the same at this time....things have changed and I do feel differently...I am not one to put on a happy face. I spent my childhood doing that and this is what it got me...the surprise of a lifetime. Sorry to ramble....I so much appreciate what you said. I think maybe the best thing would be for me to talk with a professional...I just worry that detailing and filling in the blanks of 40+ years will take forever. In the meantime, I just try to gt through one day at a time with my feelings, and hope that I can come to a calmness that is safe for talking with her. I love her no doubt, but I am angry....and those feeling have nothing to do with the adoption itself...I feel I must make that clear. I do understand that part....Very much so.

Thanks for listening,
Valerie

I do understand what you are saying, I think. It's the keeping of the secret and the dysfunction that appears to have its source in the way the adoption affected your mom that angers you not the fact that your mother had a child that she placed for adoption. There's also the fact that you couldn't help your mom mourn her loss. (Maybe I'm projecting here, feel free to tell me!) Talking with a therapist/counselor about how to deal with family secrets may be helpful.

Try writing down the things you would like to say to your mom or how you are feeling. Sometimes journaling can help you get a handle on your emotions.

[FLVal]

Thanks so much everyone. It helps to hear many viewpoints. I most likely will never be reunited with my half brother, so my main focus is getting though my feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal. My Mom and I have been through a lot these years, and I just have to wonder how much of it relates back to her grief. Long story short, divorces, drinking, emotionally unavailable, my struggles that were kept to myself to avoid burdening her, as she always seemed to have too much on her plate to trouble her. I don't want to get into the long story of 40 years, but only ever wanted some of her heart, but now I guess I know why that wasn't possible....as it must have "died" in her so many years ago. It's just too bad, and sad.

[Rifilanna]

I have a question on this topic. My partner has an older sister placed for adoption, but placed with family so remained in contact. There were no lies told, everyone know the deal (in the 1950's--wow.) My partner wants nothing to do with her sister--feels the relationship is an accident of biology. Her sister on the other hand wants some (asking for very little) contact. I don't get where my parter is comming from, but I know it is really really really how she experiences this relationship. What am I missing?

[kakuehl]

Did she have a relationship with her sister growing up since she was still part of the family? Does she think if she acknowledges her as sister, your partner loses her own position in the family. I have no answers, really. It is sad however.

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by FLVal

Because I don't want to be hurtful, I feel like I have fallen into this emotionally numbness when conversing with my Mom over this time. I just cannot be the same at this time....things have changed and I do feel differently...I am not one to put on a happy face... In the meantime, I just try to gt through one day at a time with my feelings, and hope that I can come to a calmness that is safe for talking with her. I love her no doubt, but I am angry....
Thanks for listening,
Valerie

Valerie, I think I hear my daughter's voice in your words. I am a birthmom reunited with my son within the past year. The three children I raised have each had their own way of dealing with learning that they have a brother they never knew about. The two youngest (19 and 23) seem to be doing fine, but my oldest daughter, who is 25, is really struggling.

Since my daughter learned of my son a year ago, she would barely speak with me about him, except to tell me that she wasn't ready to talk about it. I left her alone with this, to deal with it at her own pace and in her own time. I wanted very much to be her mother and to help her with this struggle as I have for her in other struggles, but I knew I needed to respect her right to process in whatever way that she felt was best for her.

A few weeks ago all four of my children gathered at my home for the first time. My oldest daughter had considered not joining us, but in the end decided to come, but was obviously very uncomfortable and unhappy the entire time. Some emails followed in which she began to tell me how she cannot feel anything for this brother she never knew and how she cannot trust me because I kept his existence a secret from her all her life. She said that she cannot ever think of me in the same way again and that she never wants to talk about it again...

I think until the sibling "reunion," she was in that emotional numbness you described and since actually seeing my son, she is no longer able to remain there.

If she would allow me to talk with her about this, I would want her to know that she has a right to ALL of her feelings and that I respect her right to take the time she needs to process them. I would tell her that her anger is understandable and justified and that I'm not afraid of it. My love for her will be strong enough to handle it.

I would tell her that I don't want her to worry about her words hurting me because any attempt or form of communication is preferable to imagining the pain and fear she is living with alone, in her silence. I would tell her that there is nothing she can say or do to make me stop loving her and that I am ready to listen to her, whatever she needs to say to me, whenever she feels ready to say it.

Every mother-daughter relationship is different, but I think the feelings of betrayal and anger are to be expected under your circumstances and those of my daughter. I am touched by your concern for your mother's feelings with all you are going through and think my daughter may be keeping her feelings to herself because of what she, too, is afraid she might say, and what she thinks it might ultimately do to our relationship.

Many birthmothers talk about the pain that comes from the feeling of suffering in silence and isolation, with no one to understand. We come to forums like this one so that we can find others who have lived what we have lived. In all its varied forms, it is the same thing--that sense of loss, shame, regret, and pain. And many of us find that we cannot proceed with our healing and the healing of our families until we emerge from that isolation and begin to process our experience with others--other birthmothers, family, friends, therapists--in the light of day.

As strange as it may sound, people in your situation and my daughter's may actually share this in common with birthmothers--the need to reach out as you are doing, to not remain isolated, to know that you are not alone. It doesn't change what has happened but perhaps it can make you feel that your feelings are less alien, more normal. Finding others who have come through the same thing, and maybe have even experienced healing in their relationships with the mothers they feel betrayed them may give you hope for your own relationship. It might feel like this can never happen for you, and I can't tell you that it will. But I can say that my life has taught me that things can change, and that "never" is a long time...

Please know that you're in my thoughts as you struggle through this painful process and that there are others out there, like my own daughter, who struggle, too. And I hope that my daughter somehow is able to do as you have done and reach out to find others who are experiencing what she is, so that she, too, can know that she is not alone.

Susanne

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by FLVal

Thanks so much everyone. It helps to hear many viewpoints. I most likely will never be reunited with my half brother, so my main focus is getting though my feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal. My Mom and I have been through a lot these years, and I just have to wonder how much of it relates back to her grief. Long story short, divorces, drinking, emotionally unavailable, my struggles that were kept to myself to avoid burdening her, as she always seemed to have too much on her plate to trouble her. I don't want to get into the long story of 40 years, but only ever wanted some of her heart, but now I guess I know why that wasn't possible....as it must have "died" in her so many years ago. It's just too bad, and sad.

Again, it's been a while, how are you doing? Have you looked for a counselor/therapist? I hear your concern about the 40 years of "stuff," but if you find a counselor who is familiar with adoption issues it may be much easier than you expect. How is your mom doing? Maybe you could try some family counseling. I hope you have continued to read in the forums here and that you have found support.