[aray]

I am 25 and have 2 wonderful children. I have only been divorced for 5 months and am due the end of August with my 'boyfriends' child. I started my relationship with my 'boyfriend' soon after my ex and I seperated. When I found out that I was pregnant I freaked out - the 'easy' way out would've been abortion and no one would've known - but there was no way I could do that. My ex and I are part of a very close community - between the catholic school our son attends, and the church, and all our kids are in sports together as well. Almost everyone was shocked when they found out we were getting divorced. We were the 'perfect family' young, big house, I was a stay at home mom, and he had a great business career- right down to the white picket fence(well a little decorative one in front of our house) and a family dog. Once people found out I was pregnant - that's when I started 'holding back' from activities. it's been hard, but most of all on my kids.
I am currently living with my boyfriend and his 2 kids, and at one point we talked marriage, but i'm not ready for that. I feel like I haven't had time to really heal from my divorce, and sometimes I think that if I didn't get pregnant before we were divorced (I found out 1 month before our divorce was final) that my ex and I would still be together. My ex and I are finally at a friends point, and he's still hopeful that may be one day we'll get back together, but hesitant like me also.
My problem is this unborn child has caused me a lot of grief , and emotionally ruining me. I started seeing a shrink a few months back and have been on anti-depressents, which are helping lots. I feel though that this child will take more time away from my kids - I already cry almost everyday I don't have them 50% isn't enough for me. And I feel like I need to move out on my own again, and really be able to grieve my divorce and concentrate on my kids, not my own selfishness. Yes I want to be happy and stuff, but I rushed into it too soon! I'm not thinking of who I'll be with in the future, but how this child will affect me and my children. they are excited for the baby - and that's a hard one too, how do I tell them that their brother/sister was given up to for adoption? How will my community act? My boyfriend doesn't want adoption, but if after the baby is born and I still don't feel attatched/connected to it - then he'll agree to the adoption. we've already started papers and cousiling through a catholic agency. I'm feeling a lot of grief/stress/guilt. Everything is on my shoulders. But emotionally and mentally I don't think I can give this baby what it needs, and I don't want another one of my children to go back and forth like mine already do. Please, if anyone has any advice, words of wisdom, know of similar situations.....anything would be a big help - thx for 'listening'!

[firstparentblog2]

You have so much going on right now that it must be difficult to think straight. I want to caution you, however, to do your best to get yourself together so that you can make the right decision. Take your time, wait until the baby is born. Prepare for parenting or adoption. This choice will not be a single event, it will affect the rest of your life and all the lives around you - and your baby's life as well.

As complicated as your life is right now, do not expect relinquishing your baby to make your life easier. It may just add more to the problems you already have. Find all the emotional support you can. If you are feeling stress and guilt now, relinquishing your baby will only increase those feelings.

Birth mothers are not treated well by society in general. They are praised here by adoptive moms, but, most people condemn us. Try to find an adoption support group in your area - that has adoptees and birth parents.

"My problem is this unborn child has caused me a lot of grief, and emotionally ruining me"

Being pregnant may be causing you grief - but, your unborn child is not, and cannot "ruin you". You are in charge of your life and cannot blame your baby - you need to get past that feeling. Reach out to family and the community to get as much support as possible - educate yourself. No disrespect to the religious counseling that you are getting, but, I doubt that they are impartial and will give you a realistic view of adoption.

Get independent counseling, not through an adoption agency. Take your time, wait till after the baby is born if you need to - do not let anyone rush you.

And no,you are not horrible, but, relinquishing your baby will not resolve your problems; and in fact it may add to them. Work on your emotional health first, and then make your decision. You cannot make a valid choice while you are so stressed, etc. Whatever decision you make must be what will be most comfortable for you to live with for a lifetime - think about the long term. Talk to as many birth moms as you can - with differing opinions - and then make a fully informed choice.

[aray]

thank you for your words of advice. From your statement I take it you are a birthmother? I don't think that giving this baby up for adoption will make everything go away - and I'm very aware that it opens a whole new set of issues and feelings I would face. But I truely believe that this is the right thing for me and this baby. I have been seeing a seperate shrink for about 3 months now, and we (my boyfriend and I) have been seeing the couselor at the catholic adoption agency for only 1 month. They are working out with us 2 plans - 1=adoption 2=parenthood. how would we co-parent this child considering our circumstances. We're trying to cover all our ground before we make this life altering decision.

My biggest worry is the way my children will be affected and how they'll take the 'news' and how do I approach it and tell them about it. Has anyone gone through this? Can anyone give me any advice on how to approach this with a 7 and 3-1/2 year old?

[stillwaiting]

Aray - I am going to be blunt and look at this as if it were me in your shoes (I am black and white so don't take offense to what I say - just hang in here with me) - Get rid of the boyfriend. You need to get yourself togather and like you said "live on your own." You have enough issues to deal with here...an ex husband and your current children and a new baby on the way....you have a lot on your plate. Make sure you are getting wise counsleing and keep it up. Do you have family support? How are your Mom and Dad and are they supportive and helpful to you?

I would encourage you to think not in the NOW but think 10 years down the road....when your life is back on track and things are going well for you How are you going to feel knowing you placed a child? (By the way, I don't understand if this baby was concevied by your ex or your BF). How are you going to feel if you choose to parent this child?

You are so young and I worry about you making a life long mistake.

There are birthmothers here that have placed after they have had other children they can help you explain it to your 7 & 3 1-2 year old.

I am so sorry you are hurting and I wish I could help you.

Keep posting here and talk with some of the firstmothers here. They will really be able to help you.

Hugs!

****The prior post was excelent!**** Wait to make your decision until after the baby is born. (This is from an amom's perspective!)

[aray]

Thank you for your bluntness - I don't want anyone to hold back - :-) My boyfriend is the father of this child - with out a doubt! And as of right now - we are not 'together' we are however living in the same house (seperate beds) I financially can't move out quite yet. My mother and stepdad are supportive in whatever decision I make. My siblings also. My older brother believes adoption is the 'right' answer for my circumstance and thinks I'm being very brave and grown up about thinking about it. He knows though that this is my decision - and he's said his peace once, and other than that - he's supportive either way I go from here.


I will either be moving out on my own, or in with my folks after the baby is born - that is yet to be determined. From there I will start to pull my life together even more so than I already have. I feel like I finally have my 'head on straight' and am thinking clearer than I have in a long time.

I would love to hear from other birthmoms out there, and how they are doing after there adoption took place. What they did to heal, and so on.......

[merrill1277]

Aray: You have already received some excellent advice from the two posters above. I just want to add a couple of things. You mentioned how having your children 50% of the time (due to sharing with your ex) is not enough time. . .this must be very difficult for you, and for them. The divorce has only been since 5 months. . .you may still be in a state of crisis. . .not necessarily a great time for making such a huge life-long decision for your baby and family. I agree with firstparentblog2 about working on your emotional health first; take it slow and wait on this decision. Also consider that if your baby is placed for adoption into another family, you will experience a profound loss and may not be as emotionally available to your children as a result, and they will also experience loss, the loss of a sibling. Adoption is permanent. I would also suggest reading about adoption from the adoptee's perspective. . .author B.J. Lifton is one example, or read on the adoptee forums for starters.

[eastendmommy]

Dear Aray,

You have received some excellent advice here, hon. I am a Birthmother...my son was placed 25 years ago and I can tell you : THIS DOESN'T EVER GO AWAY.

The pain over losing your baby will be with you every single day. Over a period of time, it may dissipate somewhat... might not be QUITE as intense, but it will be there, nonetheless. Your other children will experience a loss, as well. Are they going to counselling with you? If you decide to place your baby, you need to get your other children into counselling, too.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Big Hugs, my friend! Tammi

[firstparentblog2]

Aray,

Yes, I am a reunited birth mom. My son found me nearly 5 years ago. With all due respect to your brother, he, like the majority of people not connected to adoption, has no idea how about the profound emotional toll relinquishment has on a woman. (Have him read, "The Girls Who Went Away" and tell him many birth moms feel as the women in the book do - that the pain does not ever go away). Perhaps he thinks adoption is a logical solution, and maybe it is. However, when you are dealing with the life of your child, and your own, do not underestimate the emotional

It concerns me that your brother and others tell a woman considering adoption that she is brave, and yet there is little encouragement to parent. Don't get me wrong, it sounds to me as though you are brave and being smart enough to consider all options. However, while adoption may initially seem the "easy" answer, in the long run it is anything but.

When my son was born I had a 5-year old, and one of the reasons I relinquished him was I doubted my ability to support two children. Years later, I realized that as hard as it might have been for me to have been a single mom to my children, losing my son to adoption was a million times harder over my lifetime. I actually did raise my second son as a divorced mom for several years.

Your situation is more complicated than mine was, and I am not trying to tell you what is best for you. I cannot know that. I am glad you understand that adoption not only may not resolve your problems, but, instead could compound them.

As for the advice that you receive from the agency, remember their business is adoption. Sorry to say, but, it is unlikely they will be impartial and totally honest. You mentioned having your other two children half the time is not enough - if you relinquish your baby, it will be much worse than that. Open adoptions are not legally binding in many states, and even for those where they are, enforcement is not usual.

Keep reading, and exploring all your options - you sound as though you are approaching this in the right manner. As for telling your other children, that's a tough one. In my era, the standard deal was to tell any siblings that the baby had died when an adoption occurred. That sounds horrible to me now - it is what I did - I do not recommend it. Find a skilled adoption therapist if possible in your area, if you do decide to place, she can help you handle the situation with your children. It is a tough situation, and needs to handled properly, or it might really impact your other children. No matter how you handle it, it will still be a loss for them.

Healing - I did none until reunion - 32 years later. I buried everything and pretended my son did not existent. Again, I do not recommend that either. After reunion, I found a good adoption therapist and an adoption support group. I read like crazy. Some healing and resolution is possible, but, the affects have been lifelong for most of the birth moms that I know. Some fare better than others - it is really much harder than most of us could ever imagine.

You may hear from some birth moms who have are less negative about relinquishment. However, as you are seeing so far, many of us, believe that the affects are lifelong and profound- for mothers - and sometimes their children as well. Your task is to decide if you would rather deal with that or get support and raise your baby. There are no easy choices - adoption may seem the "easier" choice - but again, think of the long term. The guilt is tough to live with, and so is the longing for your children. Don't parent just to spare yourself the emotional pain though either. If you decide to parent though, you need to embrace it wholeheartedly and do what it takes to be the best mom possible - for all your children.

[cute]

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
By Tammi!!
I totally agree with you tammi...If I could go back I would never have let my child go....loss for the child,loss for the parents,loss all around and heartache that will last a lifetime.
IMHO: Babies know who their moms are...they belong with their own families...JMO

[aray]

thank you so much for your response! My family is supportive either way, but then again my mom and sister said they would've been supportive if I aborted. Through my thinking I could actually follow through with that my sister reveiled to me that she had an abortion many years ago. She is now married and has 2 children. She's warned me that adoption will still have the same effect - at gyno appts. - when they ask how many births is one place for starters.

I try to think that me being there for my children now and after will be enough to help carry me through this emotional choice. I look at them and think I can be strong enough for them and do this in order for them to have a better life - as odd as that sounds.

It's just that I know what a child needs - emotionally, supportivly, financially, etc...... I don't think about finances though, I think about emotionally, and mentally being able to handle this little one. And that's when I feel in my heart that adoption is the right answer.

I know that they are an adoption agency - but they really are aware of us being hesitant, and moving slow with us. They are not even going to notify a family until after the baby is born and that's what we decide. That way it doesn't break there heart - and it doesn't make us feel 'guilty'.

I've prayed a lot in the past 6-7 months for peace in my life - due to how caotic things have gone - and I've slowly found a comforting peace with this decision - oddly enough. It just makes me feel bad because I know I'm a GREAT mom, and I'd do anything for my kids. And in essence I feel like that's why I'd give this baby up for adoption - to give this child what it needs and deserves.

I'm glad you've noticed that I don't take this decision lightly - and I am exploring all aspects of help/advice/support. I do want so badly to feel some connection to this baby in me - but for some reason I don't. Whether I've built a wall to try and be strong, or if I was meant to carry this child for someone else. I'll know once I hold it in my arms - that's when my wall will break down, or vise versa.

As for my kids - to tell them this child died never crossed my mind. My 7 year old will understand obviously more than my 3 year old - although she is very smart. I know that through them this child (should I choose adoption) will always 'pop up' whether it be - 'remember when you had a baby in your tummy mom' or 'I wonder how the baby is doing right now' or if for some reason I do end up pregnant again years down the road - I'm sooooo afraid of them saying 'are you going to give this one away too mom?' I know I can't predict what they'll say - but I am genuinly worried about it.

I am very thankful for this site and all of you 'helping' me out with all of this. It's very hard - and challenging - and sometimes I feel so alone, because of the community I live in, this is all very different - and I think will be hard for people to deal with (although them dealing with it is far from any concerns with how I'm going to deal with it) I also don't want to feel as though now I NEED to get back together for my ex - in order for my children to have what I so desire them to have - me around all the time and mommy and daddy together and all there stuff in one place. Granted my ex has done a lot of couciling and such as have I, there's still work to be done with us. And both of us are aware of that - and don't take this lightly at all. In the end I just want to still feel some kind of peace (waking up everyday and knowing my child is loved, and blessed with some wonderful family helps) even through the heartache that would come.

[rainrain63]

Birthmom here.


I believe that adoption is not a solution for a temporary problem.

Adoption is forever and lives are affected, years down the road.

It would be so good if you could seek support for yourself, your children, including this baby.

I can't 100% recommened adoption as a solution when you are so overwhelemed. Take time for yourself to think further, really think.

I don't have the answers for you and your situation, but can only stress that in my opinion only, based on my very own situation, that adoption has severe repercussions. Starting from the moment the baby leaves your arms to the day, if ever it should come, that you are fortunate enough to find each other and then, in that future event, your child, now an "adoptee" will have so many quesitons and so many emotions, no matter how "great" his upbringing was.

Further, if adoption is your decision, please don't look at closed adoption. Look at open. There are some great adoptive parents out there who totally understand and believe in how postively effective openess is. Steer clear of potential or current adoptive parents who are not intersted in birthfamily or birthmothers and who only want closed.

Closed=repression

for bmothers/bfamiles and the adoptee. Those are my thoughts, based on my personal experiences. An adopted child has no say as a baby to his/her preference. The effects of adoption on most adoptees and even adoptees in "denial" are evident. Mostly its about loss/grief, to some adoptees those emotions are huge and to othes, not so big, but nevertheless, those emotions exist for the vast majority of adoptees. And they never asked for it. Keep it open. Keep yourself and your family a big part of the adoption. Your unborn child has that right. The right to familial bloodlines/history and identity. Make your unborn child's birthright exactly that - his/or her right to know where he/she comes from. It is not only about who changes diapers, soothes sickness and provides food and education, those are the very basic needs of a child. There is more to a human individual - roots being a major factor. History, identity and a sense of belonging. The "better" things in life won't amount to anything for an adoptee who is desperatly searching for those things I just mentioned, being history, identity and sense of belonging.

Best of luck to you.

Shelley.

[firstparentblog2]

Aray,

For some birth moms, knowing that their children have good adoptive parents is comforting - it is not nearly enough for most of us though. Several people have mentioned that "adoption is a permanent solution to temporary problems" - and that really is quite true. Whatever problems you have now are temporary, but relinquishing your baby is forever.

Remember too that adoptive parents are suspectible to all the issues that face all parents, divorce, substance abuse, death, etc. Some moms I know relinquished partially because they wanted a "perfect" two - parent family, and then found out at reunion that the aparents divorced. My son's aparents did as well - so, he was still raised by a single mom mostly.

I feel better about your agency knowing that they will not try to rush you into pre-birth matching. From what you have said, you probably have dissassociated your feelings for your baby. Maybe you are afraid to love your baby since you believe adoption is an option and have put up a wall.

Glad too to hear that you will make your decision when the baby is in your arms - that is very wise. That will be your moment of truth I suspect. I hope that you allow yourself to love this baby and give it at least a few days with you even if you do ultimately decide on adoption. Many moms who spend no time with their babies because they think it will make it harder, generally regret it later. It will be hard and painful no matter what.

When are you due by the way?

[aray]

Yes, no matter what we are bringing the baby home for a week and 'locking' ourselves in the house - both of our ex's will have our other children and we'll focus on this baby alone. If we do decide adoption still, we wonder if we would have our older children 'meet' this baby or if it'll be easier if they don't (ages, 7,5,4,3)

I am due the end of August

[patti Daniels]

My suggestion is to pray about this. Also, you might want to talk to a social worker. The social worker can explain your options. I will pray for you.

[carmel drake]

Aray,
To your original question. I only know of one other person in a "similar" situation, she had two young children, met a man, they split up and she placed her third child for adoption.

The mother always knew where and who adopted her baby daughter, but the "open adoption" suddlendly closed, no explanations, unlisted phone number and change of address.

She made contact once her daughter turned eighteen, but the daughter refused a meeting or any other forum of contact, once she found out that her mother kept two children, but let her go, she did feel rejected and given away.

All the other mother's are correct, the effects of loosing a child to adoption are life long and there is simply no complete healing. We just go on living with it.

Personally I am thinking that if a mother has to feed and shelter two of her children, then how much different is there to feed and shelter three of her children. After the first year they all eat basically the same foods, have gotten their theeth, potty trained etc. Raised children also carry a lot of guilt for being the "kept child"

I raised a son and I can tell you that, he only got the basic of things in life and he is now a fine grown man, who has longed for his oldest sister all of his life. I found out that he told her, in his very first email in March of last year, that he always felt like a piece of his heart was missing from him too.

I wish you a successful and happy future with all of your wonderful children.
Sincerely
Carmel