[boo20030]

Hello I was wondering if there are any other b-moms or dads that have relationship problems? I am in my second marraige and it is steadily falling apart. I dont seem to feel things the same way other people do. Is this a common side effect for b-moms? any ideas on how to cope?

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't have a problem with my Husband because we knew each other prior to the placement of my child. However, I had a bonding issue with my Son (parented) that took a lot of personal work to overcome. I also cannot make new friends due to fear of judgement and thus keeping people at an arm's length at all times.

I don't know if it's common but this is my experience.

*hugs*

[BoxerLady6]

I, like Jenna don't have a problem with my hubby and bonding but do have a problem making friends, espcially with women. I can and always have been able to tell all to a guy, but never a women. It did get worse after the adoption and now I have no women friends.
I wish I had ideas on how to cope. I just do. In my case having problems making friends, I do have my hubby and that helps. He has a hard time making friends too so we understand each other. Plus I have learned to keep myself entertained and spend time with my family. I wish I had some advice for you.

[boo20030]

Well I still do not know what to think My hubby has been very supportive and actually encouraged me to find my daughters, but now that I have been rejected by them he says it is better to know than to still wonder. I dont handle rejection well at all and this was like a huge bomb to me. My life was turned upside down and I cant seem to get back on track I have 3 other kids and I spend alot of time with them, but even they have noticed the change in me. My husband is unhappy because I have withdrawn from alot of stuff, including sex. I feel like I should just let him go so he can be happy.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Boo, are you in therapy, especially now after the failed reunion? It can help to talk to an unbiased, third party.

[bmomliz16]

I do okay with hubby, but probably over-depend on him. I work at home just so I don't have to be around people. My friends are my family members. My kids (parented), it was really hard at first to "connect," whoever thought it would be so much work? My husband says I come across as very cold and unapproachable, he's probably right, but I had never seen that before he said something. I just always feel like I'm on the outside looking in, like I don't really have a place. This all started when I got "sent away" to have my bdaughter, came home, and no one had "saved my place." This probably doesn't make any sense! So yeah, very difficult for me to "attach" to anything or anyone.

[Montraviatommyg]

I wouldn't say I had a problem with relationships in the way you have but it took me a long time to trust anyone long enough for them to get close to me. When I got married it was 12 years on from when I relinquished my son but even so it still took my husband a long time to break down my barriers. Now that is true love in my eyes that my husband cared enough about our relationship to keep working at it.

Pip

[boo20030]

Jenna , no I am not in therapy though I probably should be my husband has told me that I come off as being cold as well. It is hard to get close to people. I am unsure if my second marriage is going to survive or not. I n a way I blame my hubby for the failure with my daughters because he kept pushing me until I began a search. Even at that I kinda did a halfhearted search and only posted on 2 sites. What I got was very lucky and they were found in 2 days! It was only a week befor I got the guts up to make that first contact. But that is part of the story. I hasve looked for therapists in my area but none seem to specialize in birthparent or adoption. Argh!!! It is like it is not important or something. But onward. Any body have any ideas?

[scarlet52698]

This all started when I got "sent away" to have my bdaughter, came home, and no one had "saved my place." This probably doesn't make any sense! So yeah, very difficult for me to "attach" to anything or anyone.

This makes perfect sense to me Liz. I have felt the same way for a very long time. I was able to bond with my children well but grown ups are a whole different story. My husband and my best friend are the only ones I've "let in" and even that is held at bay to a certain degree.

Wow I never connected these feelings to being a birthmom. Looks like I have next weeks therapy topic.....LOL

[scarlet52698]

Boo-

What about starting a support group for birthparents in your area?

[boo20030]

Wow I never thought of that, but then it would be like taking charge of something that is way beyond me abilities. When I found my girls and felt free to discuss this with people who did not know I felt like a huge wieght had been lifted from my shoulders. But now since things have gone sour with my daughters, when people ask about them i just feel like I wish I had never told any one. To start a support group dont you need a qualified therapist to head it?
I would think that you would.
Any one out there in any kind of support group in their area? If so can you tell me if there is a licsensed therapist in charge? this is a very interesting thought. Where I live I have never heard of anything like it, but I will look into it and see.

[scarlet52698]

I don't think you need a licensed therapist at all. This forum is an example of a support group. 12 step groups are also support groups and they do not have licensed professionals leading them.

The basic premise is that two or more people with a common experience come together and talk about how they feel. Just having another person know where you are coming from is support.

[merrill1277]

I was a security junky who also became determined to never find myself in such a powerless situation again. After losing my son I went to nursing school (very secure career) and later got married to someone I knew would not leave me, then after having my daughter (second born) I essentially dropped out of society for safety. Moving from NY to PA made it easier. I SAHM'd, homeschooled, homechurched, and even had a homebirth with a midwife with my thirdborn. Had absolutely no trust in institutions. Since reunion and 'seeing' why I was the way I was, I've begun to reverse that somewhat, though not totally.
Merrill

[SchmennaLeigh]

Merrill, I'm attempting NOT to drop out of society now that Nick is born but, goodness, I would rather just stay at home with him all day long. I don't trust anyone either.

Sigh.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

Merrill, I'm attempting NOT to drop out of society now that Nick is born but, goodness, I would rather just stay at home with him all day long. I don't trust anyone either. Sigh.

Jenna, it must be so hard not to be able to stay home with Nick. I didn't mean to imply there was anything wrong with any of those things I mentioned, quite to the contrary, and I'm sure you hope for the day you can stay at home with him, if that is possible. For me, its just that it went on for quite some years, beyond the usual, to the point where things were imbalanced (extreme) which did impact my children's upbringing as far as living in society... moreso my son than my daughter, but all because of lack of my trust in people, especially where it came to my children. Home is great, but we also have to learn to live in the world.

I'm probably close to twice your age, so I can look back and see how even those things (if off-balance) made their impact on my (now teen and preteen) age children.

Merrill