[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't think I worded what I wanted to say right. Hrm.

I was agreeing with you partially. Minus work, I'm at home with Nick. I don't go see friends... the few I do have. I don't like to go to the store. I don't like to do anything.

Though I did have some anxiety in social situations before Munchkin's placement, it worsened post-placement.

[merrill1277]

I think my posts were confusing, not yours. I understand now what you were trying to say.

Merrill

[SchmennaLeigh]

LOL.

I have this weekend off. And while we're going to see a friend and are having a friend over for a playdate, I am absolutely thrilled to spend 48 hours together with my little guy. He, too, has been all smiles thus far.

[eastendmommy]

I don't think I had attachment issues, I think it was more that I made bad choices in the past where men were concerned... At one point, I THOUGHT it was attachment issues having to do with placement, but once I stepped back and saw the situation for what it truly was, I realized it didn't really have anything to do with attachment...

I have been told, that until I get close to someone, I come across as cold and distant.

I don't go out much, hate crowds, and hibernate all Winter due to health reasons. I never thought of my behavior as having anything to do with the adoption; some of my anti-social behavior I thought was due to the rape, though. Tammi

[lilifelover]

I have a problem with jumping into a relationship too deeply too quickly. Consequently, when I'm thinking marriage he's thinking he wants to continue to date like all his other friends are. I'm on my second serious relationship after my daughter was born and I've got a good guy this time, and I'm trying to do things right...I may be making serious mistakes but I'm aware of them and I have made him aware of them too. At least this time we can work on them together....

[lalgee]

I have always - as long as I can remember - been cold, hard, and very distant with everyone. I never related it to relinquishment, but now that i read everyone else's posts here, I realize it probably began at relinquishment. Of course, at such a young age at the time, it feels like I have been this way my whole life (I was 14).

I say all the time I don't have any friends. I have people who love me in spite of the "way I am", but I don't talk on the phone with them, I don't do things with them or go anywhere with them. I have a very hard time with showing affection, even to my other sons and husband. I feel like I have enclosed myself in this hard cold shell and I haven't been out of it in 22 years. If one of my friends and I have disagreements, I find it so easy to just shrug it off and go my separate way, even if it means never talking to them again. I don't find it hard to "give up" on relationships and just let them go. I can cut people off with no regret and never looking back.

I feel disingenuous if I show the least little bit of emotion about anything. Like, if I show any emotion or affection I seem to fear that someone is going to think I'm sappy or a cry-baby. My heart is so hard and cold.

By the way, I don't like being like this. It is very painful, and lonely. I have to go thru everything alone because I won't let anyone in or let anyone know I am hurting. I suppose this is because after relinquishment I was basically told (like most) to forget about it, don't talk about it, don't even think about it and don't tell anyone. To me, that said, "Suck it up, cry-baby, and get on with your life". So that is what I have done. I wasn't allowed to "feel" or process any of the emotions related to relinquishment. I was told to stuff it, so I always have.

I wish I weren't like this, it's very hard.

[lollie78]

Relationships................I am not allowed to have those. I don't make good choices where men are concened and therefore I have not allowed myself to make that choice in 5 years. I have female friends that are my mother's age, I find females my age to be very judgemental. I stay overweight and very distant so as not to attract any possible instances of male involvement. I go to work Monday through Friday and pretty much I am at my house or my parents house. So pretty much I don't left myself attach, I protect myself against the hurt.

[michellemartin]

I think I have had relationship/attachment issues since before I placed. In part, I blame an abusive marriage for that. I know, I got myself into it...
After that I didn't trust men and even now, it affects my relationship with my current fiance. Even after five years I am very controlling in our relationship. I have no idea if my inability to get close to people contributed to placing my second born, but it may have. Never thought about it... now I have something to wonder about.

[lahdh4]

I have had a problem for the past 2 years. Ironically J's birth. I have pushed B away and we keep getting into fights or I should say I keep picking fights because I don't know how to say what I want/need to say.

I have pulled back from my friends because 1 lied to me and I am taking it out on the rest of them. I just don't talk about anything that is going on with J. I just keep it general.

[nelwywed1311]

You ladies are all awesome. You're ability to reflect on your lives, on your feelings, on your pain - it's just amazing. This reflection is one of the first steps towards healing if you keep doing the hard work and keep evaluating.
Sometimes it is hard to work out if we are who we are because of the loss of our children, or whether we were always like that. Does it really matter? As long as we are living our lives with open eyes, working on healing, working on our relationships and perhaps seeking professional support, we are all doing a good job.
I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing, strong, diverse, caring group of women - even if it is over the net. I just wish I knew you all in real life - what an experience that would be.
Big hugs to you all. Together we are united, divided we may fall. Keep talking, keep sharing and keep caring for each other - the road is long.

[lilifelover]

Yes, I share that sentiment. I absolutely wish I had a strong group of birthmother friends!

[nelwywed1311]

Lilifelover - you do. We're all here! Maybe not in flesh, but here all the same.

[lilifelover]

Ah, that's true. Silly me! I am really glad I have a place to rant and rave (and help others alike)....a place where I'm actually understood!