[geogdeb]

I guess it's nice to have a place to vent. I have read many entries in the many forums of this site and many of the experiences birthmothers have had mimic mine. I don't want to go into the whole story, but I was lied to when I placed my son for adoption. I was filled with guilt and told I could not be a good mother at 17. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I would've been a fine mother at 17. It would not have been easy, but I am not so different now (25 years later) than I was then. I was also told that I could contact him when he reached the age of 18. That was a baldface lie. So yes, I do have unresolved anger. I wonder every day how he is doing, where he is, and even if he is still alive.

I guess my question is... When is it my turn? I did what everyone told me was best for my baby. I signed away my rights. I have grieved for over 25 years. He is an adult now. I should be able to know how he is doing. Maybe I am being selfish. But I don't think I am asking too much. Not knowing is slowly killing me.

Deb

[faith2005]

I think that you have every right to know as long as your child is willing to also communicate with you !! So why not look for him.
I am a singles mother and a birthmother .. I love my kids but let me tell you some times my heart breaks for my little girl cause she doesnt have a daddy at home !! It hurts me some times and I really wish she did have one but I suck it up and keep on keeping on and I to my self wonder when my turn is going to come with that whole thing but anyway that is besides the point.
Go look for your son if you fell comfortable enough to do so .. I am taking it that he is over 18 so you can go look for him but be prepared for either way ( him wanting to make contact as well or him not wanting to ).
I guess maybe I shouldn't be giving advice on this but I hope I helped a little

Jess

[geogdeb]

I have been looking for him... for several years. However, sealed records and self righteous adoption agency workers have made it nearly impossible -- which only makes me more angry.

[paigeturner]

Deb,

We're on parallel paths here. I think of you often. It will be your turn. I have the same questions you have and am equally frutrated with the same agency. It is not asking too much to KNOW that he's alive and well. No one's asking to step in and replace his parents. But, we deserve to have some resolution.

[Montraviatommyg]

Deb,

I know where you are coming from having gone through the pain of relinquishing a child as well. Like you I had been told lies which I had to live with once I found out. The happiest day of my life was finding my son by accident but even since then have had to deal with lies that had been told to him. He found my family years ago but they never told him where I was - long story - or me that they had contact with him. It is terrible that so many of us have to deal with the lies we are told then get hindered when it comes to wanting to search. My thoughts are with you.

Philippa

[blankenb4]

What have you done so far in your search?

[geogdeb]

Thanks for all the replies. Paige, I am always glad to hear from you. Hopefully our issues will be resolved soon. As far as my search is concerned, I have posted on every registry I can find on the internet. I have requested non-identifying information and am meeting with an agency representative to get it and ask questions on June 8th. I have registered with the ISSR and the state mutual reunion registries. I don't know what else to do. I don't have enough information to go on to do much else and I don't have enough money to hire a PI.

Hopefully the non-identifying information can give me some clues.

Thanks again for all your replies, concern and help.

Deb

[krielly]

Deb, not sure what state you live in, but do they have a confidential intermediary program? Vermont is also a closed records state and has a mutual consent registry, but what I did NOT know until just under a year ago is that I could petition the court to release my info. Before the court would rule on the petition, they authorized the State Adoption Registry to initiate a confidential search for my bmom to see if she would consent to contact. I had spoken with the agency several times over the past couple of years, but never learned of this program until fairly recently.

Check it out and see what you can find out about that. Good luck!

[geogdeb]

I relinguished the baby in Georgia. They do have a CI program, but apparently all the records are with the agency I went through - LDS Family Services. They don't have a CI program. By the time I get the non-identifying information, it will be nine months since I sent them a check for it. They are very difficult to work with and are only concerned about the adoptive parents. If only I had known.

[BMTexas]

Dear Deb,
I can't totaly identify w/you yet. My birthdaughter will be
18 June of next year. She just turned 17 so I'm like "OH! just one more year!" But maybe I'm getting MY hopes up?
All through her years in this adoption the Amom was telling me (after she was about three) "We don't know what a visit would do to her.", because they did not want me to visit them after the baby turned three. Will they want me searching for her after she's 18? The Amom did tell me, "I'm sure she will want to meet you and I will help her search." But that didn't mean she wanted ME to search. By the time my daugthter turns 18 I'm not going to care
what they want anymore. I'll think , "It's been long enough, READY OR NOT HERE I COME."

What? Can't search for him after he's 18? I would keep trying. Don't give up.

Rhonda

[hannah50]

You know, I'm from the era of closed adoptions and sealed records. But I joined a local support group in my neighborhood (this was 10 years back)...and the woman who ran the group was a professional searcher. I paid her $200, and within about 9 days I had my sons "amended" name, and family address. It's doable, you can find him - even though records are closed, sealed and shoved down a black hole.

I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can afford it, try to find someone who searches. Call the local adoption agency in your area and ask for local adoption support groups. That's how I found mine. If you can't afford it all at once, save up if you can. It's worth every dime.

It can be your time, and I really wish for you contact with your child and reunion. It's the best thing I *ever* did for myself.

Sending supportive vibes your way...

hannah

[geogdeb]

Thank you everyone for your support and comments. Today is a difficult day for me because it is his birthday. I have not given up the search. I didn receive some non-identifying information that has helped to narrow down the geographical area, but I really need to get to that area (New England) to do some library searching. Money is definitely an issue. $200.00 wouldn't be too much, but I haven't been able to find anyone who will work that cheaply in this area (I live in Kentucky).

Hopefully I can resolve this issue soon.

Thanks again for all your help and your kind thoughts,

Deb

[hannah50]

I know their b'days are the hardest time to get through. All you can do is hold a candle in your heart and send them the best wishes you can for a great life. I did a google on the woman that did my search. Only got one hit but this is the information I found on this site: http://parenting.ivillage.com

Blue Book 2000, The: The Adoption Re-Connection Directory, Search & Support Referral Source. C Curry Wolf, editor. Annual (9th edition, 2000).Available from the publisher: C Curry Wolf, P.O. Box 230643, Encinitas, CA 92023-0643.

Maybe you could write her a letter and ask her if she knows anyone who could search for a reasonable price. Tell her your situation. Use my name (hannah) and mention that I'm the woman that found her son in folsom prison. She'll remember me.

[twitchytally]

course youre not asking too much, not by a long shot, we should all have a right to at least know how are children are, and youve had to wait a long time, keep going and good luck.