[burnedmom96]

Hi, am new here. I'm not sure where to even begin this. Its a long, long story, but i will break it down to basics. Over the last 5 yrs my life has been a joke. 5 yrs ago I was a single parent to one small child and became pregnant by a married man. Mistake #1 that I will suffer for for the rest of my life. The birth 'father' said to get rid of it and he was done.Seeing it as impossible to raise 2 children alone, I opted for open adoption. It was what I really thought was best, knowing I couldnt raise 2 kids alone, and I even thought I was doing a great thing for a child less couple out there. So the open adoption went thru. My immediate problems after the adoption werent with the AP's, and looking back on it now, my problems after the adoption were that I was just left all alone to deal with everything all by myself. The adoption agency was so 'kind' enough to do a couple of telephone counselling sessions with me. I had did what they wanted, I gave away my baby and they could have cared less if I was ok or not. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I went on a binge of self destruction, realizing that not one thing since the adoption had changed for the better. Constant thoughts and hatred for the birth 'father' consumed my life for months, as I asked myself and God over and over again, WHY did I deserve to be abandoned? Why did God bring this man into my life? How could I of been so stupid? Exactly what good did this adoption do? I was still poor, unemployed, 21 yrs old, only a high school diploma under my belt, single and raising my other kid alone. And on top of all that, the Amom I chose has the perfect husband, home, house, car, money etc, and my baby. Dont get me wrong, I dont hate my daughters Afamily. I just hated that they had everything I wanted in life. They have kept all of their promises and have never tried to push me away. But I had to be someone I wasnt when I had communication with them. I couldnt very well tell them that I hated myself and that my life was a total mess.

I then began a man hating spree. I hated every single male I looked at and came in contact with. I loathed any woman who was married and had a baby or kids. All I could think to myself was, ' enjoy your happy life while you can. It will soon come to an end. That man will leave you and you'll end up hurt. "
Not only did I honestly think that, I was so messed up in the head that I actually wished it would happen.
After nearly 10 months of living in mental darkness, hating myself for the bad decisions I made and hating men, I slowly brought myself out of it and decided to do something with my life, and for the child I was raising. I went away to school. Mistake #2 I will suffer for for the rest of my life.
I met a young man who totally swept me off my feet, showered me with love and attention, and showed me that not all men were bad. All of my man hating power then went out the window.
When this man and I talked about having a future together outside of school, I very honestly told him about the child I placed for adoption, how difficult and painful it was, etc. And he had a 2 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. And I honestly told him that if we were to have a life together, I could not on my good conscience care for someone else's child when I could not care for my own.
Well while we were in school, he said I didnt need to worry about that because his kid lives 200 miles away with its mother.
So we left school and moved to my hometown, where we got pregnant and married. All was good, and after about 8 mos,we had some financial problems, thats about it. The financial problems got out of hand, and we were practically forced out of our home only 3 weeks after our new baby was born. We had no where to go, so his mother 200 miles away offered to take us in. That meant caring for that child I didnt want anything to do with.
But my husband promised things would be ok, we would take things slowly with the kid. Only that didnt happen at all.
When we moved there, we stayed with his mother for a month, and so did the kid. My life was miserable, my husband and his mother forced this child on me with everything they had. My husband did a complete turn around personality, he became physically and verbally abusive to me, ( like my head wasnt messed up enough, I deserved to be abused as well) his mother was very verbally abusive to me and my other daughter. They both completely ignored the new baby we had, all of their attention was on the child my husband had with someone else. From their actions and words, they were using that child to hurt me. It was like a punishment from them for placing my child for adoption and punishing me for not wanting that kid around.
Over the next year things became worse. We ended up taking an apt in my MIL's complex, where she brought the child over anytime she wanted. When i would object, she would verbally attack me, she told me that the child I gave away was just a bs excuse for my problems. and my husband just condoned her behavior toward me. When the child would stay at MIL's home, My MIL would bang on my door all hours of the night, demanding that my husband go over there to spend time with her and the child, and he would just go. No questions asked.
Well I finally got sick of all the bs and left. It was obvious the only thing my husband cared about was his mother and that kid. The day I left, my husband took our baby who was only a year old over to his mothers house. The police wouldnt do anything, they said we were still married and I needed to get a lawyer and get custody.
They kept my baby for 3 mos before I could get a lawyer and file for custody and divorce. We are now divorced and this man has joint custody of my baby, he fought it sooo hard just so that he wont have a child support bill.
Now I am raising 2 kids alone, living alone, working full time sometimes over time, no help with child support, no foodstamps because my fast food job indicates that I make too much money to qualify, while my ex husband lives rent and bill free with his mother. And I again ask the universal question... WHY did God bring this man into my life? I will tell you why. Adoption utterly and totally destroyed my life. Had I kept the child I placed, I never would have made the decision to go away to school and met this man. Now I am in the same exact position I didnt want to be in. Raising 2 kids alone, with next to nothing.
I think it should be a written law that adoption agencies pay for face to face counselling sessions for birthmothers, and an action plan for the birthmothers life after the adoption. Its a **** shame when a woman feels its best to place her child, then is left to pick up the shattered pieces all alone. Adoption, in my experience, is nothing but a tragedy. I am sure there are good stories out there, but I'm sure there are probably more bad than good, whatever the reasons be.
My advice to women who place their children. Do not tell your future mate about your child. If you have an open adoption, keep it descreet. It has gotten so bad that not only do I wish I never told my husband of the adoption, but I wish I would have taken the birth 'fathers' advice and just 'gotten rid of it'......bad , I know...

[Volfe]

I"m sorry you are so angry and have had such a harsh life there.
This is a good place to vent

Maia

[ellemeth]

While I understand your need to vent, I would hate it if say...a certain amount of face-to-face counseling was required. I came away from every counseling session arranged by an adoption agency more upset than I went in. Even now, 5 months after my last placement, a woman form the agency still calls to ask how I am. I dread every call and she pays no heed to my requests that she not call. She says..."I just want to make sure you're okay since you refuse counseling." From the a-aprents of the child I placed through them, I gather that the agency has had a bad experience with a b-mom commiting suicide that caused some legal issues for them. So now, they're pushy about counseling.

I thought I was upset that the first agency I placed with virtually ignored me as soon the adoption was finalized but the attention from an agency is worse for me than no attention. I feel like they're poking at me with sharp sticks, trying to get a reaction just to see how long I can endure.

I admit that my situation is far different than yours and that I feel as far as it can be that my adoption experiences have been good or at least not all bad experiences but I've had the experience of clinical depression and post-partum depression with a screaming baby in the next room and I by far prefer adoption to parenting but I suspect that I am not the norm.

[leaabc123]

I would agree that counseling is in order. You need to learn and understand that no one will be better at living your life than you. Right now, you are letting other people have power over your choices and that will only lead to more self-destruction.

[skinnylou]

Hi I am a bmom. Yes, I have had my issues as the years have gone by. They were my issues though. I am so sorry your experiences have been so negative.
Counseling probably would help you so that you could get on a more steady pace and plan the future for you and your two babies.

Keep us posted on your progress!

[whispers]

I can relate to part of your life. I also hate and loath the birthfather. I am trying to work through these intense feeling of hared towards the birthfather. The adoption counselor that I had has been helping me to work through this and other feeling that I have had regarding the adoption. I am very sorry about everything you have gone through. I hope you are able to find help and feel free to pm me if you want.

[l-thompson]

My advice to women who place their children. Do not tell your future mate about your child. If you have an open adoption, keep it descreet. It has gotten so bad that not only do I wish I never told my husband of the adoption, but I wish I would have taken the birth 'fathers' advice and just 'gotten rid of it'......bad , I know...

As an adoptee who has reunited with a complete birthfamily, I am deeply saddened to read your post. I wish you well and truly hope that one day you are able to find some sense of peace in your life. Take Care.

[Montraviatommyg]

Sending you 'hugs', you'll get plenty of support here.

Philippa

[Brenda Hopkins]

I'm a birthmom who has had two children placed through adoption. While I read your post and feel your pain and anger, I also see that in your grief you seem to be trying to blame all your problems on others. I'm sorry but blaming your life's experiences on the influences of others is a cop-out. Who told you that life was fair or equal ? They lied !!! I hear how rough it's been for you, but there are so many options why do you let others make your decisions for you ? Yes, it is hard to raise kids on your own, no denying that, but first of all, who forced you to do any of it ? I'm so tired of hearing how one just accidently gets pregnant, duh !!!! I wanted children more than air, so I had babies. Only I didn't really have the ability to raise them properly. It takes more than desire to be a mom, just having a baby doesn't make you a mom, it only makes you a mother, there's a big difference. Anyone with the right equipment can make babies, it takes the ability to sacrifice your wants and needs, your comforts and time to love and care for another. You obviously have had some really bad advice, now you are so confused and feel abandoned by society, etc., etc. As cold and heartless as it sounds, " Get a grip, and stop making excuses", we all make big, little, medium mistakes , screw-ups, whatever label you want to apply, no one really cares about the mishap, what are you doing to change the outcome is what really matters !!! There are so many agencies and help groups out there, do some digging until you find one you feel comfortable with. AND REALIZE 'ADOPTION IS NOT ABOUT YOU , it's about the care of children who need caring for.
I'm so sorry if I sound harsh, but the oohy-goohy, oh poor baby,it's not your fault attitude just really gets to me. The birthmothers on this board all hurt and suffer and feel terrible loss for their children they've relinquinshed. If you can't take care of one child without help, why would you try to have anymore, with or without a mate? Get real girl, do you really think there's a man out there who will allow you to use him for support? What are you thinking? Is it about care and nuture for your family (your child) or is it about finding a suitable man for your life ? Make a choice a stick with it. That child is your responsibily, it didn't ask to be brought into this world, but because of your decision to have it , they are now in your charge. Forget about that life of yours, it's got to be about them. Let go of the anger, understand that anytime we 'fall in love' and that relationship doesn't work out, it's just not in human nature to admit we are wrong, that we made a bad choice. It's so much easier to blame the other party. It takes two to make or break a union. Your life is not over, but you do have some serious readjustments to make and get out of the pity-trap. Sure lots of people will come to your pity-party, but it won't help you ,it will only keep you in a pit of self destruction.
Been there, done that !!!! There 's help if you really want it, how bad do you want to get out of the mess? No one can do for you , what you are unwilling to do for yourself.
Brenda

[cute]

I am a b/mom and IMO...you need some help with self!

[RiverGal]

Burnedmom ~ I have to agree with Brenda on this one. You have what I call a sh!t list...it seems rather full, yet I don't read anything that says you made some poor choices.

The way you speak of your stepchild with such venom and distaste disturbs me. That child is an innocent...just as the ones birthed from your body. IMO, with that attitude it is no wonder your MIL didn't get along with you. If the situation was reversed, how would YOU feel to see a child you loved so disregarded?

We all have traumas and emotional injuries in our lives. Carrying around such negativity will never allow you to heal. Life is what it is. We can either swim with it, or drown. Real healing can't begin until we are willing to be accountable for our own mistakes and poor choices.

I suggest you find a good therapist/social worker/counselor who can help you dig down and root out some of the bitterness that is poisoning your soul. Life is not meant to be miserable...there is still a lot of beauty and goodness. You just have to sieze it.

~Deb

[cute]

Deb: Your post said it all ! Children are the innocent here and if we all take the time to walk in each others shoes oh what we get to see.Burnedmom,seek some help,anger and resentment towards others will help neither you or anyone else around you.

[Brenda Hopkins]

Ok, now that I've scolded you like a stepchild, let me offer something really useful. First and foremost you need a haven, a safe environment that you can sort out the needs from your wants. Most communities have a list of churches that have resources that could help. Whether you are a believer or not is irrelevant, they are the most likely to give you the opportunity to find some answers for yourself, without condemnation. There are other options to explore, but find refuge first, somewhere. Secondly, being told you need help, counseling, etc. when one is where your frame of mind is, is really like throwing an egg against the wall, what's the point. I've been where you are, there is hope even in the pit of despair, if you just look up instead of down. More than anything, let go of past, you can't change anything. Look for way to start your own business, running errands, simple tasks for seniors, turn frustration into ambtion. Anyway, I'm sorry I sounded so harsh, it's just my blunt force personality, not intended to injure, but really what good does sympathy get ya? I'm a survivior, so are you. You could trade out housing for chores, there are many more resources than just food stamps . Lots of luck, if you would like more ideas for self security, check out the library. I taught myself how to work leather, I've made some good money at it, too. Brenda

[cute]

Brenda: I do like your post.Take the negative and turn it into something positive! There is plenty of help around!
Sandra

[michellemartin]

I understand how you feel about your husbands child. I was there. My bf (also birthfather of my second daughter) takes care of my daughter as his own. After him and I placed our daughter, he wanted to be more involved in his son's life. I didnt want anything to do with his child. I wanted his son no where in my life.

I sucked it up. I realized that not wanting his son was my problem, not his or his son's problem. Besides he takes care of my daughter all the time. She lives with me, so therefore, she lives with him, too. He feeds her, takes care of her when I work. All that.

I even did the marrying an abusive (insert any number of explicatives here). I almost killed myself and finally it was over (our relationship). I allowed the abuse to continue, as did you, by staying. Although you could not control his actions, you could control your own actions, or lack of action.

Education is never a mistake.

You can the father of your daughter back to court to review child support. Call your county courthouse and someone will direct you to the proper department. In WI there is no cost to review support payments and you need no lawyer. Often, there is no court session to go to either.

I feel for you and the issues you've had in your life, but IMO you need to take responsibility for your choices, or the choices you allowed to be made for you before you can get better.