[cnelson8611]

I am still 6 months pregnant, but today, at a meeting with the adoption counsilor, I told her that I had decided to put the new baby up for adoption. I almost started crying when I told her but I somehow knew I was doing the right thing.
I did show emotion when going home though. And was wondering if it is possible to start the grieving process this early... even before the child is with an adoptive family?
My adoption counsilor also wants me to make a list of what I want in an adoptive family. She describes it as the "perfect family". I am afraid that while making this list, I might start describing someone exactly like me! Is it wrong to do this or would it be helpful to expect the family (mother) of my child to be like me?

[MajaHedman]

I don't think it is at all odd that you would be upset to be considering making an adoption plan for your baby. It is a heartwrenching experience to say the very least.

I also don't think it is all wrong to want the potential adoptive mother of your child to be like you. My little guy's mom is very much like me and his dad is very much like my boyfriend. Our values are very the same. We want our kids to be brought up a certain way and that usually entails choosing people that reflect our good qualities.

You've still got awhile to go in your pregnancy. Remember that this baby is yours until the day you sign away your rights, if you decide to do that. Don't let anyone pressure you if you start feeling doubts about placing. Take your time, think hard about it, and if you need to get some counselling outside the agency if you think they are pressuring you to place if you change your mind. You are baby's momma right now, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

[mom2GRLC]

Have you ever seen the movie "Raising Helen"?

In it the mother dies and leaves her children to her youngest sister...who by no means was ready to raise a child. Her older sister was the more responsible one and was the ..(perfect) mother to her kids. They both wondered why...their sister would choose the younger sister...and not the older. In the end...she explained...in a letter she had written to the older sister.

She choose the one person who she was the most like. She thought it was more important for her children to have someone to look to..who acted like she did..and thought like she did. So they wouldn't miss her so much..and so they could see little bits of their own mother in the everyday things her younger sister did.

I think it is natural for you to want an adoptive family who is like you. I'm sure you are a wonderful person....and would be a wonderful mother...so your qualities..or the qualities you wish you had..would be perfect things to look for in your adoptive mother. It seems to me like you would relate to her more...if this is going to be an open adoption...you might feel closer to the adoptive family..and your child might get a better feeling of who you are.

I also think it is natural to grieve over the loss of your child...even at this point. Not only are you having to deal with the hormonal stuff pregnancy brings...your in the middle of making a very difficult decision. You know your baby..you can feel him move inside you...your body is preparing you to be a mother...everything is telling you, you will have a baby in your arms to love and cherish. Then, your mind...and heart are trying to deal with the choice of...letting your baby go...missing out on all those special moments with your child.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this pain....i hope you can find peace in what ever choice you make.

[79nic]

Cnelson,

First of all, welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Yes, I think it's normal to be sad during the decision phase... even if you weren't thinking about adoption, a pregnancy alone, especially if it was unplanned, is enough to bring on sadness and grief, sometimes. (((Hugs))).

I read one of your other posts, in the adoptive parents' forum. Glad I found this one, because I wanted to mention something to you, without taking the other thread off-track. I am going to get preachy for a sec; I hope you don't mind. It's just really, really important...


You said that in Nebraska you have 48 hours to make "the final decision" after the birth.

I just wanted to make sure that you understood that while you cannot sign relinquishment papers UNTIL 48 hours from the birth have elapsed, you do not have to sign them exactly AT 48 hours. You can take as long as you want. If, 48 hours after the birth, you are not sure about relinquishing, please do not sign. TAKE AS MUCH TIME as you need.

Also... I know you read all the stories about how aparents hurt when a mother changes her mind about adoption. They do hurt, absolutely.

But that is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your child, first, and to yourself, second. It doesn't matter if you "promise" someone your baby, it doesn't matter if you tell them a thousand times that you're certain about the adoption, it doesn't matter how much they will hurt over a failed adoption... all that matters is you are the mom, and you get to make the decisions about your child.

I understand completely what you feel about not wanting to let the aparents down. If you feel strongly about it, I'd suggest, once you find a family, that you let them know you are planning on adoption, you don't intend to change your mind, but that no p-birthmother can be 100% sure of her plan until after the birth. That way, you won't feel that you've broken a promise if you decide to parent.

Please, please, please don't place your baby out of guilt over what the aparents might feel if you change your mind.

And please, please, please don't sign right at 48 hours if you're not sure yet.


OK, end of preachiness. Hope I did not offend you, I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the 48 hours issue, and that you knew you are this baby's mom until you sign, and as the mom, it's ok to think of your responsibility to the baby, and not the aparents. While it sucks to break promises, every once in a while it has to happen, especially if it's for our children's sakes.

((Hugs to you.))

[Free_to_be_me]

It is definately possible to start the grieving process well before baby is born. I started working with an agency when I was 7 months along. I was barely able to talk to my counselor because I choked up whenever I tried to explain what I wanted for my child. My baby's birthfather actually talked for me most of the time. I spent at least 3/4 of the meetings with tears running down my face, the other 1/4 laughing because of how ridiculous the birthfather was being, trying to make me smile.

During the last weeks of my pregnancy, I cried every day. I would take baths and talk to the baby. I spent 3 1/2 weeks telling her goodbye.

My grief was so obvious that my counselor and my family were certain I wouldn't be able to go through with the placement. They were seeing the attachment and love I felt and watching me accept the separation.

The bright part of this for me was that after the birth, I had already spent so much time grieving and preparing for my goodbye that it was almost anticlimactic. Before placement, I thought I would be just paralyzed. Instead, I was back in school (part time) four days after she was born. I was able to start living my life again. It was profoundly different, but it was mine again. Because I worked so hard at processing the grief before anything was final, I have never looked back or wondered if I could have done it better.

By the time I signed the Voluntary T.P.R., I was actually doing pretty well. It was not a moment of indecision or wondering if I was going to make it through. I already knew I could handle the seperation and that I had made the right choice. I signed the papers about a month after she was born.

I met the adoptive parents 5 weeks before the baby was born. I was very emotional. I did make the list of the "perfect" family. They fit really well. I also made a pro/con list about why I was making the decision to place. I read through it fairly often and it also helped. Mine was pretty biased, though. I knew I wanted to place so those were the pros I wrote down and the cons were why it would be hard to parent.

I hope you are able to work on processing your feelings and make the best choice for you.

[cnelson8611]

This is really hard! And I wonder why I am thinking of adoption. I haven't wrote down a pros and cons list but have it in my head and think about it everyday.

But still I wonder why I am doing this. Birthfathers have every right to decide what is best for their child as well, right? This baby's bfather wants adoption because he is scared that I will take him to court for child support!
But sometimes I feel like I am forced to make this adoption plan. Even though I am not the wealthiest mother, I think (at times) that I still have what it takes to parent another child. (I am a mother of two already)
I guess what scares me most is that I will have a lot of grief and regret. And with my depression, I won't be able to handle the loss!

[Free_to_be_me]

The most important thing is doing what is best for you and your baby. If you decide to parent, it is your child's right to have financial support from his or her father, too. At the same time, if the father became the primary caregiver, the child would have the right to get financial support from you.

I hope noone lies to you and says you won't feel grief. I am fairly certain that everyone does. However, not everyone feels regret. I am one birthmom who has never had a moment of regret. I have worked really hard to make sure I was making the right decision for myself and am very secure with it. At the same time, even occasional regret doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. Just work to figure out what is best for you and take all the time you need to be sure.

[lildiana0705]

This will be the hardest decision you will ever have to make. I am a recent birthmother, and I started grieving at 7 months along. After placement I cried to myself every day. I was always wondering if I did the right thing. The birthfather wanted what was best, he said that he would be by my side no matter what. You will always have days when you regret or have doubts about your decision. Either way, whether you decided to parent or not you will have those days when you feel like you cant do it any longer. In fact this past weekend I wanted to take my daughter back from my sister. I mentioned to her that I decided to take her back because I had not signed any papers. When I was out on the streets that night I thought really hard and was wondering if I was doing the right thing. Yes, i wanted to be with my daughter, but I was losing my family. SO, on Monday night I signed the over my perental rights over to my sister. The birthfather, he is still in the picture, still has yet to sign but he wants to make sure this is the right thing. You just need to take some time alone and think about your decision. Deep down inside you will know what is right. Your heart will say one thing and your brain another, just listen to the one that you know is right. Your baby deserves the best, if you think that it will be with you, then so be it. Either way, I am here for you for support and so is everyone on here. Keep us posted.

[janetleigh78]

This may sound totally goofy but...
I was reminded of the movie "Raising Helen" when you said "I am afraid that while making this list, I might start describing someone exactly like me!" There are different parenting styles and its important to consider the heart and soul as much as the mind and goals. The movie I was talking about was the mother's sister adopting the kids after an accident but its central theme was "why do we pick the people we pick to raise our children". I don't think its at all odd to pick someone like you, but then you have to decide which parts of YOU are most important b/c they can't be a complete carbon copy. So maybe check it out and see what you think... this is the most random advice I've ever given but its entertainment at the same time atleast especially if you secretly love a couple bad '80's songs.
As far as the grieving goes, I don't think you're getting a "head start" necessarily b/c the experience varies in duration and content for every person who goes through it. But I can see how working through it all in advance might help you seek out a proper support system and become educated in the methods of dealing with these emotions before you have some of the expected difficult times (not that now isnt' difficult. just saying many people wait until they're in a hard place before working on this). -- Janet

[Kindreds]

CN - I was pressured by the bfather to give my baby up to adoption. This was in 1969 when the world felt unwed meant unfit... so society and my church was against me as well. He stayed with me only long enough to make sure the deed was done and then he took off. Men will come and go in your life, but your children will be part of your life forever whether you raise them or not. The child you lose to adoption will always remain in your heart. You may grieve for a very long time. I never got over it really. No other children that might come later will replace this child. If you feel you are a good mother and have love in your heart for this child, please think long and hard. Maya Angelou wrote a wonderful piece about her son - she was an young scared unwed mother and is so thankful now that she kept her son.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

cnelson8611

I am going to throw this out there for you.

I was 18 when I had my daughter whom I parent. I love everyday with her. She is the light of my life.

I was 21 when I had my daughter who I placed... and while it wasnt 'pressure' from the father.... he certainly put pressure by stalking me ... in turn that made me feel 'forced'.

That feeling is awful. So I want to tell you this. You need to do what is right for you. If the father does not want to pay child support...then tough. Of course he will have to, but you should be prepared for him to not be involved...if he is angry. OR he may be so entranced by his baby that his child support issue may just go right out the window.... or you may not have to take him to court because he may just give you what you and the baby need and you may mutually agree that that is enough...


Dont place because he does not want to pay child support. Being a parent is awesome and worth the grief that may sometimes pop up! You obviously are attached to your child!! Dont say goodbye before he or she is even born! If you are this emotional and you want 'you' to be parenting... then parent. There are programs to help you if you need it! Use it!! That is what they are there for!!
I can think of nothing better for my tax money to go to than to helping a mom and her baby so that she does not have to place a child into an adoptive home when she doesnt want to!!

This is YOUR baby. This is a decision to effect the rest of your life and your baby's life. Child support is something that you should just work out later.... the fathers situation may get better or worse over the years and that is something that will change along the way. Dont let that inconvenience be a reason that your child is separated from you.

And just to repeat what others have said.... you cannot sign for AT LEAST 48 hours.... It isnt that you have to sign after 48 hours. When you hold your child in your arms.....you may throw your 'plan' out the window.

SO my advice is since it seems clear to me that you dont even know why you are even thinking of adoption....(panic???) ... dont match with a family. Look at profiles... think about it... maybe keep one or two in mind... and make the decision after. Or share the info with your counselor but ask her not to tell the family because you are NOT sure of your decision. This will keep the pressure off of you and keep your focus on you and your child and not feeling guilty about hurting someone else..


((HUGS))


Enjoy your pregnancy!!(Congratulations!)..this is the closest that you will ever be to your child-- whether you parent or not.
Christine

[faith2005]

I to started greiving way before I placed my son. I would say that I was 6 months along to. I would cry my self to sleep every night. from the time I said I am going to have to place all the way to today ( I still cry but not every night ) I remember telling a Lady that I use to counsole with that I was placing and as I told her I broke out in tears and just keep on crying. It is a hard descion and grieving does come early just cause you know that little life inside is going to a different mother. In making a list I dont think it would be such a bad thing to list some of your same qualities. I did and I got a big family and wonderful parents and more than I could ever ask for in my sons father and his mother wow is she great she keeps me so much in the loop it is like I am a part of the family ( and I have a semi-open adoption plan )!!! so it is ok to "shot " high after all you want the best for your baby !!

[cnelson8611]

I am really reconsidering my decision to place. Although I'm still thinking about adoption, I'm am also going to consider parenting. I know I will know more after the baby is born so I'm going to wait until she is here before coming to any conclusions.

Thank you for all your supporting words and advice.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think that is a great decision! Right now... enjoy your pregnancy... Stress this big is not good for you or the baby. So explore your options... be sure to gather adoption information if that is still an option (doing it early will do nothing but help you make your choices and it will arm you with the truth!) and then make the choice that fits in the end.

((HUG))

[LisaCA]

cnelson,

my heart goes out to you and your difficult decision. I think you're wise to wait. There is no rush. Many children are placed after birth. I am an adoptive parent, so i speak from that part of the adoption triad. I hope you don't mind my comments but I wanted to address one thing that you mentioned: looking for potential adoptive parents who were like you. That's what happened in our case.

our bmom was 15 at the time of placement (last year). She read my profile and description of my personality. I was totally honest about how I'm a control freak, very assertive, etc. bmom saw this and saw herself in me. She was a vegetarian too, and had the same personality. When I read her profile it turns out she described herself in the same way. While there were major differences in our ages (I'm 43), we saw ourselves in each other. And I have to say that when dh and I selected godparents for dd, I wanted someone who was just like me. It is definitely natural. And we have a great relationship with bmom and her family. It's still new (dd is only 7 months old) but we've sent tons of photos (my guess is about 300 so far-I know, it's a lot, but her bfamily likes them and dd is so photogenic I can't help it), and many letters. we exchanged gifts at xmas, we sent birthday gifts when she turned 16, and are now preparing a valentine's gift for her. We live 2000 miles away, but intend to visit in May/june. Ours is a very open adoption. bfamily is our family now: grandparents, aunts etc are now all part of our family forever.

In terms of placement, our bmom selected us just under 3 weeks before her due date. Turns out she gave birth a week early, so we were actually officially matched for about two days. In Illinois (bmom's hometown) she had the opportunity to sign 72 hours after birth. Dd was released from the hospital to me, but during that time I was with her i knew her mother could change her mind at any time or postpone her decision to sign. I viewed my time with dd before bmom signed as babysitting time. I loved her and cared for her, but I knew she wasn't mine. Don't worry about disappointing anyone else. Just take care of yourself right now and do what you think you need to do. If you choose to go forward with adoption, decide what you want in aparents and find folks who will make out an adoption plan with you. Also make sure your agency is on board with your adoption plan, not trying to pressure you into something that is not what you want. Some agencies embrace open adoption more than others, so if really open is what you want, make sure you find one that is in sync with your needs.

6 months pregnant gives you plenty of time to think and rethink your decisions, and find the best options for you. you have time after the birth of your child to think about what is best. And this is a great place for information. The birthmoms here have great advice.

congratulations on your pregnancy and I do wish you peace in your decisions.

LisaCA