[parmida_uk]

Hi

I discovered this website afew days ago and have wanted to write and introduce myself, I hope Im posting in the right section. Im 21 and living in UK and have recently given my beautiful daughter to be adopted. Im still unsure of my decision (but i guess thats normal?). I just feel very alone right now as I hid the entire pregnancy and baby from my family, who I am staying with right now. I cant just pretend nothing has happened. Does anyone know of any post-adoption support groups/ counselling? Are there any birthmums?

Raha x

[VKH]

Hello there. Below I posted a link for you that will take you directly to the Birthparent Forums. There you will find many different subforums where you can post regarding different topics. You posted this msg under the "Adoptive Parents" forum. But that's okay!! I know it's easy to get lost here!

Here's the link:

http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=29

I am also a birthmother that recently placed. I was fortunate to have a good support system though. I don't know what I would have done without my friends and family. I do suggest that you research to see if you can find a support system in your area. It's very important for you to be able to heal emotionally from this. Also come back here and post! I can not tell you how much it has helped me to find this website and connect with other birthmoms (and birthdads).

(((hugs)))

Vanda

[BrandyHagz]

Moved to the Birthparents Forum's

[janetleigh78]

I've heard of a few people who've done this type of adoption. It must be very difficult to be so emotional and have no one to talk to. I'm assuming that you can't talk to your family for a reason but I'm sure they're going to see (if they know you well at all) that you're not quite right at the moment. PLEASE talk to your spiritual advisor if you can't afford counselling or find a group in your area (I don't know UK). You can always ask for advice on here... it can really help you get views from multiple angles since there are adoptees, aparents, and bparents from ALL sorts of situations. I'm glad you've come here.
This is tough stuff to deal with even when the family is involved and supportive... don't think you have to go through this alone. We're all here for you! -- Janet

[Free_to_be_me]

I agree that you should find someone that you can trust who will listen to you and support you...a friend, pastor, next door neighbor, the next door neighbor's cat if you can't find anyone else. These forums are a great support, but it is important to have as many different places to talk as possible.

I waited until I was six months pregnant before telling anyone but my parents. After I told people, my pregnancy was so much easier. I didn't have to worry about anyone finding out and almost everyone was really supportive and nonjudgemental. (I did threaten to punch one person in the face though...) Even if it is scary, consider letting some of the people who care about you know so they can help you through this.

[michellemartin]

If at all possible I agree with Free To Be Me, tell your family and those you care about as soon as possible. Who knows maybe they will help you to raise your child. I'm guessing since you said you are still unsure that you havent terminated yet. Adoption isnt for everyone. I'm not trying to sway you from adoption, and you're probbaly right, many bmoms do feel unsure. I didnt feel unsure after placement and I've had a rough time here and there dealing with adoption. For those already unsure, I cant imagine the emotional turmoil involved, and to add to that the stress of not having anyone to talk to... The emotion may seem unsurmountable.

If you cant talk to your family, a pastor, even if you are not religious, will be willing to listen. It may take a few tries, but there are many pastors who will be very willing to help or to point you in the right direction to get support in your area.

Is there also parenting support in your area? I was 16 when I became pregnant with the child I parent. I will admit it was tough, but ya know, adoption is tough too. I'm not really sure what is harder. Being a parent against all odds, or placing into an adoption. If you need someone to talk to you can email me. I try to check my emails daily, but I'm now starting college, but I WILL respond ASAP. mwilkin5455@yahoo.com

[Ragnarok]

Yes. Talk to your family. The longer you leave it, the harder it becomes, and it drives a wedge into the relationship. After four years, my family still does not know about my son. It seems way too late to tell them now. Rock and a hard place.

[Robin Harritt]

Hi Raha

I note in your profile you give your state as CA presumably California though could mean Canada I suppose. How come you have relinquished a child in the UK? Do you mean the United Kingdom? I don't see how it would be possible to relinquish a child for adoption in one of the UK countries whilst living with your family and for them not to know. The whole process takes a very long time and there would have been a lot of contact from social services etc who would have looked in to your family background for various reasons.

The United kingdom is a union of four different countries each has its own laws and policy on adoption it is an unfortunate misconception by the Americans who run these forums that there is something called UK adoption and UK adoption law, that just isn't so.

The name of this forum is very misleading. For anyone to give you good advice about where to seek support they would have to know which country you are in. England & Wales are very similar Wales has the same basic policy but administered by a the Welsh Assembly and the laws are published in Welsh. Scotland has a completely different legal system the laws on adoption are completely different and completely different organisations deal with the issues after adoption. N Ireland also has its own adoption laws as does the Isle of Mann and so do the individual Channel Islands. If you are in England or Wales you certainly should be receiving support and counselling following the adoption as part of the adoption process it is a legal requirement for local authorities and adoption agencies to provide this for you if you need it and for as long as you need it.

Robin

[parmida_uk]

THANKS EVERYONE soooo much...

Please read as i need URGENT advice...but 1st just to answer a few questions. I live in england...i just out 'ca' bcos i couldnt figure out how to leave it blank and i wanted to register quickly before i lost the nerve to actually post a message.

I havent told my family...i come from middle east. my dad esp would be devastated i had sex before marriage (althou i feel i waited til i was committed to my then boyfriend before i moved things to the next level) nevermind pregnant. They would've walked out on me and baby.although i think my mum wouldve stuck by my side.
im taking each day at a time. i miss her so much it hurts but my new social workjer is wonderful and i spoke to the foster carer whos very motherly. we were worried bcos id been exclusively breast feeding her but she took to the bottle well. Anyway, this whole nightmare has taken a dramatic twist...

My pregnancy was unplanned and i was on the pill. To cut a long story short the dad said hed support me either way...then larer on insisted i have an abortion. i went for a 18 wk abortion but i just couldnt do it. id seen the scan, had that 'im a mum' feelin etc...
he didnt even come with me...even though it was such a late abortion. when i called him he told me to abort for him and my family...Throughout preg he was on-off but mostly very very off. in the end he sed hed support the baby financially but nothing else. 2 months before she was due we had a 'scare' and i went to hospital but he was unmoved! i tried to commit suicide...it was all too much. i just wanted my mum..i wanted sum1 to love the baby. Anyway, i got in touch with social services (he knew) about adoption. but 2 weeks later i deliveered a beautiful healthy baby by emergency section. i just didnt want to give baby up straight at that time. he told his family, he told me he didnt want us to have her adopted etc.

i looked after her comp alone. i live with friends. he gave us fin support nd came round for an hour at a time dat was conviniwnt for him on most days. soon became horrible to me. i approaced the subject of adoption with him so so so many times and he sed he wanted the baby adopted asap. it was ME who was wavering. i told him about my social service meetings and he never came. anyway, all this time none of HIS family bothered calling me or coming round. just ONE visit from his parents. to cut the story short..last time he saw us he walked out saying 'good luck'..now 6 weeks later a member of the family rings so i told them the bsbys been adopted. he asked me if its true...now hes saying that he wants baby back!!! hes getting legal advice etc...

im devastated...his lawyer said that he didnt put anything in writing and bcos hes on birth certificate he has automatic rights. the thing is, bcos of his behaviour (ys there IS more!) itd b difficult for HIM to get baby...and again he doesnt even WANT to live with baby full time. Hes going to get a family member to look after baby...then theyll prob take baby back to his country.

i dont know what to do. THEY didnt even call...i mean they didnt even KNOW she was in foster care all this time BCOS they didnt even call or come over.THATS how much they care about baby! but from what i gathewr that doesnt even matter! BCOS app they prefer baby to go to birth family member. but that is just so wromg. my heads spinning...its all MY fault for putting his name on the birth certificate. but hes a bully, if i didnt have him on certificate he was going to withdraw financial support too.

Please i need advice. does anyone know what judges would feel bowt the fact they didnt bother with us while baby was with me? i KNOW theres a couple out there who will ADORE baby. and their couples family too. shell have a secure, safe and loving home. his family just want baby to stay with them to not lose face in their community. THEY knew i was doing it alone, they KNEW my family had no knowledge. they offered nothing, not even a phone calk to her when baby was with me now all of a sudden they want to FIGHT to get baby.

please, i need advice and support. xx

[Robin Harritt]

Hi Raha

I would strongly advice you to consult BAAF in the first instance, they will put you in touch with right professional help. You can see how to contact BAAF at

http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/advice/advice.shtml

Please remember that this is mostly an American forum, you were right to post to the UK forum to begin with. Adoption law and practise in the UK is very very different to the USA , everything moves much more slowly and the authorities have a much greater say in the process. You can not chose who adopts your baby, social services, the adoption agency and the court decide that, but your wishes will be taken in to consideration and so will those of the father if he wants to have a say, whether or not his name is on the birth certificate. But social services and the courts have to by law decide what is in the best interest of the child and act on that decision, that will always take precedence over the personal wishes of anyone else involved including the child's father.

Robin

[VKH]

Raha...I don't have a lot of advice for you but just want to offer you lots and lots of support.

Due to all of the twists and turns your journey has taken you, are you SURE that you still can't tell your family? Maybe once they hear the whole story they will support you and fight for your child.

Definately try and find legal councel asap. Your social worker should be able to point you in the right direction.

My thoughts are with you and I will be praying for the best outcome for your daughter.

Vanda

[parmida_uk]

Thank you Vanda and Robin.

I wanted to let you know i appreciate your advice and supprt. since writing that post i heard from my ex and my social worker. according to social worker hes got a very decent lawyer. shes worried bcos hes making it personal against me, shes not 100% convinced its him fighting for HER, i mean he just walked out on us for weeks...and slept fine then! And i promise he told me over and over again to have her adopted. I cant write much more, im just exhausted. Im not eating or sleeping and i just think that itd be best for baby to come home and not spend a minute more than she needs to in foster care if hes so adamant hes going to battle. i cant see how the delay would help baby. but i talked to him and hes just being abusive and its so clear he wants to say he 'won'. he doesnt want US to sort the future out. Which altho hes a waste of space, i want to do. shes so young i dont want her to become attached to the foster carer oonly to be moved :-(

sorry im just very sad. im not convinced he wont change his mind again in months to come.

[lora k]

I've never been on a chat room before, but I just read your note. I don't know of any support groups in the UK, but we have them all over the US, so I'm sure you'll find some there. My husband and I adopted a baby boy 15 years ago. He was born on Oct. 20, but was in foster care till Christmas Eve. We were so happy and excited to pick him up. We tried to keep in contact with the birth mom , but she didn't want and open adoption. What was your situation? Did you pick out the couple, or pick an open or closed adoption? -Lora K

[lora k]

You've been through so much already, you sound like you just need to rest. You sound like a very caring and sensitive young woman, it's a real shame your ex and his family are so shortsided. I would talk to your family to get some support , despite what you think may occur. You need real help. Talk to someone you really trust, like your mom or sister. I'd also call a lawyer, if your ex continues to push custody to make her life just one of ownership, I'd take the baby back and raise her myself. Just a thought. Good Luck.

[Olvia]

my name is olvia. I know how you are feeling. I just placed my little girl on the 12th of february. And i feel alone. empty. in pain. That is called grieving. a lot of people do not notice that birthmothers grieve as well. But we do. Because a loss of a child is so similar to death. You have to grieve. If you find yourself crying a lot that is okay it is part of the grieving cycle. a web site ontop of this one to go to is birthmombuds.com. This site as well as that one are very helpful. Also it might help to write a journal, poems, and a scrap book so keep those things in mind. If you ever need to talk you can email me.

Originally Posted by parmida_uk

Hi

I discovered this website afew days ago and have wanted to write and introduce myself, I hope Im posting in the right section. Im 21 and living in UK and have recently given my beautiful daughter to be adopted. Im still unsure of my decision (but i guess thats normal?). I just feel very alone right now as I hid the entire pregnancy and baby from my family, who I am staying with right now. I cant just pretend nothing has happened. Does anyone know of any post-adoption support groups/ counselling? Are there any birthmums?

Raha x