[miagreeneyes65]

I am a 39 year old adoptee, who up until a year ago didn't realize I had issues with being adopted. I have a hard time bonding and trusting people, and take rejection too deeply and am just now realizing that a lot of this has to do with being adopted. I am not angry at all, we all do the best we can to cope. I do wish that I could meet or talk to my birthmother so that at least I could see or know, who do I look like, what talents have I inherited, and just feel as though I am related to "someone" on this earth, regardless of them being a good or bad person. I think it would be healing on the part of both parties to either have closure or a relationship.....not always wondering. It seems their are many more adoptees looking for parents, than parents looking for adoptees. A lot of women have written they had no choice..... wow......a newborn baby had less choice,,,trust me and I am not saying that with attitude, but it is a fact. Please give me a birthmom's insight....thank you!!!!

[Candiekisses]

I can only speak for myself..My worst fear is this,,,That my daughter has never been told,,she is 21 I love her w/ all my heart, I have been searching for a long long time,,,I will NEVER give up! I also pray that when I do find her.she will want to meet me as much as I want to meet her,,,,,,,So as a b-mom saying to you,,,I want nothing more than to find, meet and get to know my child,,,That is my hearts desire,,,,,,,
Candie

[miagreeneyes65]

Thanks so much Candie, It never entered my mind the birthmom would think the child didn't know!!!! That is why I need birthmom's advice... I only have the adoptee's view. I feel much better and hope you find your daughter, she is blessed to have such a beautiful Mom looking for her.

[blankenb4]

As a birthmom of the early 70's, I wish that I had realized that there had been choices. I have always hoped that my bdaughter would show up, that it wasn't my right since I allowed her to be adopted. But I would like nothing more than to meet my daughter to see the young lady that she has become. I do not want to be an unwelcome intruder in her life or to replace her aparents. I just want a chance to know her.

Barbara
iso bdaughter 6-6-71

[Rowan]

Hi

In my opinion, as a birth mother, I think most of us never forget our children and try to imagine what has become of them. I also think that many long to meet or at least know how their children fared in life and need the reassurance that their children are well and happy.

It is very true to say that adoptees did not have a choice, but truly - many birth mothers had no more of a choice either and many of them were barely out of childhood themselves, if indeed even that old.

I know that there are some adoptees who have experienced their birth mother's rejection on attempted contact, many of these were birthmothers of the 40s, 50s and 60s and social attitude was even worse towards unmarried mothers in those days (than say... in the 70s and 80s which was still bad enough), they were told to go away and forget about it and carry on as if it never happened, so you can imagine why many cannot cope with reunion so well and have probably felt a lifetime of being not quite top drawer and suppressing their pain and their secret from close relatives, spouses and children. Many of them live with the fear of being ostracized if anyone found out even now.

It is something you need to be aware of as a possiblity.

However, I am sure there are many mothers from that time who would cope and be grateful for any contact that their children were willing to give.

I personally would want my child to contact me even if he did not want a relationship (which I would be very sad about but would have to accept it some how) then to at least let me know he was well and ok or let me know what became of him.

What I do know is that many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search and find and wait for the adoptees initiative in the matter. Some authorities do not allow birth mothers the right to search and are told they have to wait to see if they will be contacted by adoptees.

so really - you have to weigh up the fact that you do not know what you are going to find at the end of your search, it could be a wonderful and fulfilling experience or it could be a non starter, it could be that your birthmother is not alive any more.... or any number of scenarios. It is always advisable to have some counseling if you can manage it to prepare you.

Personally, if I needed closure or the need to know I would 'go for it' regardless of the outcome. I would also hope that if someone was giving my child advise about searching that he would be encouraged and supported to do so - because it would be his need and his right and it is something I hope for very much and I will never give up hope until the day I die.

All the best of luck to you.

R

[blankenb4]

Well said Rowan

Barbara
bmom in search of bdaughter 6-6-71

[peajay8]

[quote]Originally posted by Candiekisses
[b]I can only speak for myself..My worst fear is this,,,That my daughter has never been told,,



Candie............ I am living this fear. My daughter did not find out thill may of this year that she was adopted she turned 23 in March. I have had contact with her Aparents but nothing from her. I am sure that she is going trew alot right now and just pray that she will someday want to make contact. When I gave her up I never thought that she would never not know!! I know that she is a very strong person and has alot to work threw right now. I have saved everything that I ever put out there so that she could find me so when that time comes she will know that I never forgot her I did want her to find me when the time was right for her. So now I guess she has a lot of issues about not knowing untill the age of 23. She was never forgoten and even if she choosed not to make contact I will never forget her.
PJ

[miagreeneyes65]

Thank all of you Moms!!! we have the same hole in our heart, It is very healing to have your input. I know it may be a long journey to find my Mom and it may not end well but I have to know.... I have always felt a part of me was missing and it took me 38 years to realize what it was. I appreciate you sharing yourselves with me and would be proud to call all of you Mom!!! Even though I am 39 I still need my "Mom" though I know nothing about her, there is a love that is from the heart, not the mind.

[mtlover]

I am a Birth Mother and an Adoptee. I just reunited with my Birth Mother and after 2 months she cut off contact. I have also reunited with my Daughter and it is going very well.

I can only tell you my experience but many others will tell you it applies to them as well. If I knew then what I know now... I would have parented before I would have chosen the 'adoption solution'. First many women especially in the 40's, 50's and 60's were forced or shamed into adoption. In the 70's not much changed and in the '80's it was expected of a young single pregnant teen to do the right thing for the baby. I went to pregnancy counseling and now know that I was not presented both sides equally. I don't think it was intentional and I believe the person counseling me truly believed in their heart they were doing the right thing. I do know that if I would have been able to meet a Birth Mother like myself and hear her story, it would have impacted my decision. Much has been learned on the professional side as well as those of us who have experienced adoption.

I was 35 when I was reunited with my BirthMother and it was a dream come true for me. It ended up being too painful for her and I can understand that because the pain I feel grieving not having raised my daughter can be dibilitating. My BirthMother endured the tortures of the 60's and the sick and demented discrimination from her parents and society. I love her and I know the pain she endured and continues to endure. I hope and pray for her healing and for the best for her.

My daughter means the world to me and if I spend the rest of my life showing her and loving her, knowing her and being invited and involved in her life... as well as taking responsiblity for the terrible decision I made then I will be blessed far more than I can imagine or would dare dream. If I am allowed a long term relationship with her, if she allows me in when I don't deserve that, the happiness I will forever feel could not be measured because it would be infinite.

If I am not allowed that, I understand because I made the decision and every decision we make has consequences and those consequences apply whether or not we were aware of them when we made the decision. If it is her decision not to allow me in.. I will love her forever, as I always have and will cheer her life on from afar.

JMHO from one BirthMother.

[Candiekisses]

[quote]Originally posted by peajay8
[b]

Originally posted by Candiekisses
I can only speak for myself..My worst fear is this,,,That my daughter has never been told,,



Candie............ I am living this fear. My daughter did not find out thill may of this year that she was adopted she turned 23 in March. I have had contact with her Aparents but nothing from her. I am sure that she is going trew alot right now and just pray that she will someday want to make contact. When I gave her up I never thought that she would never not know!! I know that she is a very strong person and has alot to work threw right now. I have saved everything that I ever put out there so that she could find me so when that time comes she will know that I never forgot her I did want her to find me when the time was right for her. So now I guess she has a lot of issues about not knowing untill the age of 23. She was never forgoten and even if she choosed not to make contact I will never forget her.
PJ

Thanks PJ....I can't understand why an-a-parent would keep this from an a-child?????This is only MY opinion(It's not fair to the child AT ALL) ....Thank you and I will keep you in my prayers w/ your daughter!
Candie

[chrismh]

I gave my daughter away in 64 and was told to just forget it. Back then thats the way it was. Have the baby, give it away, come home, and nobody talks about it after that.

My daughter found me this past Feb. I have never felt so whole before. My arms welcomed her and I thank God she searched for me.

Good luck to you.

Chris

[Candiekisses]

Chris, I LOVE to hear stories like yours.........It just does my heart good!,,,,,,,,and keeps me haning in!
Con-grats,,,
Candie

[Veronique]

This is to any of the birth moms

I am a 22 year old adoptee who is looking for anyone in her birthfamily. I always wanted to seach but just recently got around to it. I've been looking for only a month now. The thing that really bothered me growing up was that the non identifying info about my birth mom said she was 21 and had a commerical degree. it always bothered me knowing that she was that old. other adoptees I had known had mothers that were 16 or 18. I always felt she should have done what she could have to take care of her baby. at 21 I just felt that was not too too young and with a 2 year degree. Does that mean she really just didn't want me? As a kid, I would get teased a lot in school. kids called me ugly and other names. I always felt my birth mother didn't want me b/c i was an ugly baby. it has affected my life in ways i never thought. i still suffer from depression especially on birthdays or when i'm around my family that is nothing like me. Did she really not want me? i've been hurting a long time. i need answers.

[Rowan]

Veronique

Just because your birthmother was 21 and had a degree did not mean she felt able to do her best for you at that time. It could have been any number of other reasons why she had you adopted.

She could have been abandoned by her family and had no help to be able to work and provide for you both or it could have been that she was pressurized into it by her family or authorities.

Social workers desperate for babys for adoption in some cases told the birthmothers that if they loved their baby at all they should give their baby to others who had more to give and they did this when the young mother was afraid and vunerable and who were made to feel selfish if they wanted to keep the baby.

There are so many scenarios of what the reason would have been, not many mothers would really have wanted to part with their child if they did not feel that it was necessary.

Adoption is a monumentus lifetime, irreversible decision usually made by a very young person under great pressure and at that age you can not tell how life is going to be in the future. Many folk who even say that they made the choice willingly say also that as times passes that they truly did not realize the enormity of the decision they were making until it was too late and in hindsight would have not gone through with it.

Basically, you have to try and not fixate on one negative reason - try to keep an open mind about the 'whys and hows'.

I hope you get to find out one day and it turns out postive.

R

PS: 21 is not that old and not everone is necessarily, entirely mature by then. Try to imagine now that you are 22 what you would do in the face of some of the scenarios your mother may have been in at that time. When you get into your 30s you will see that 21 is very young still.

[Veronique]

Dear Rowan:

I completely understand what you are saying. I know I should be more positive and try to look from her perspective at the time. It's just that I see some ** online say they have no feelings about the child they gave up and that really hurts me. I need to know who I am. I feel like until I meet this woman I don't really know anything about me. I need to see her, hear her voice, know her name. I want to do this for myself as well as for my kids that I may have one day. I look nothing like my parents, so I know they will ask. I used to ask when I was younger. I am a medium complexioned black female and my mom is practically white while my dad is lighter complexioned than I and my grandparents were creole. You may be able to understand the difficulty I had finding my place in my family.

Do you know if in 1981 New Orleans birthmothers were allowed to hold their babies? Also, why is the only new born picture I have of myself on a button and not a real copy? Does she have the real picture of me? Do birthmothers get the new names of their children? What info do they receive? I just have my blood work papers, adoption papers from the courts, and papers from the Volunteers of Americal as well as the home my mother stayed at.