[blmsgrandma]

Today I wrote a letter to the young lady who adopted my grandchild two years ago.
I told her that my daughter and I wanted to have no more contact with her.
It all started two weeks ago when I was having some issues with another grandchild and typed 'grandparents rights' into a search box on Google.
As you can imagine, numerous hits came up. I laborously went through each one. It was a very time consuming thing and I was on the verge of giving up when I happend to notice that the very next hit contained the name of the woman who adopted my grandchild. I never did find the information I was looking for...this frum sidetracked me.
I clicked.
Today I wish I hadn't.
There was a photo there of my grandchild, the name of the adoptive mother, and right here, on this very forum, she had written some of the most awful things that I could have never imagined possible to have found.
She has accused us of sexually abusing my grand daughter. She claims that my daughter did nothing to regain custody of my grandchild from the state when nothing could be further from the truth.
She insinuates that I practically harrassed her about having an open adoption, when in truth the two times since my daughter TPR'd that I have had contact with her it was her who initiated.
The really scary part is that she writes her name and location on the internet, posts a picture of my grandchild and then goes on to tell this community what day care she attends.
If that weren't bad enough (and believe me, I feel that it is plenty dangerous) she talks of how she tied my grandchild to a chair at the food court in the mall, how she wishes that my grand daughter would be 'normal', how her family was racially biased against my grand daughter before she adopted her and how her family did not want her to adopt, and worse...she talks about her brother being ADD-ODD and out of control and says that her mother has given up on him and then posts that she leaves my grandchild with him to babysit and my grandchild called her so upset and so hysterical that she was hyperventilating.
She refers to my grand daughter as 'one of those kids', speaking of children with add-adhd.
My grandchild was not removed from my daughters care because of abuse or neglect. It was 'risk of harm' because my daughter was young and somewhat out of control at that point in time.
My daughter did not TPR or take TPR lightly.
My daughter has been devastated by the in and out that the foster mother has put on her for the last two years. Maybe it is genuinely her desire to have a relationship with my daughter. Maybe her motives are somethign else entirely.
It does not matter, she's made promises that she did not keep, and she told these horrendous stories about my family that I feel she will some day tell my grand daughter as well.
My daughter and I have no peace now, and we fear for my grand daughters safety because of several things that the adoptive mother posted on this forum.
I wanted to see if maybe I was misunderstanding the things that she said, so I created this screen name and posted questions that I hoped she would answer to clear things up.
She did not.
Because of the things that she has written my daughter and I have decided that we no longer want an open adoption. We have decided that we cannot trust the adoptive mom to tell the truth to us, and that now that we know what we know we would forever continue to have doubts (not good for a relationship of any kind) if we continue contact with her.
It was very hard to hit the send button on the letter that I mailed to her today.
I sat here, at my desk, for quite some time with my pointer over that little button thinking 'do I really want to do this, do I really want to do this" and I finally decided that I had to...because she has my grand daughter and we don't, and every day we will wonder just how bad things are getting now, just how she is being treated, and be looking for a sign in everything the adoptive mother says to us, every letter that she writes, everything.
Hopefully some day my grand daughter will come to find us.
Then we can have a reltaionship on our own terms.
Hopefully that happens before the adoptive mother fills her head with tales of abuse and sexual deviations that never happened.
If it doesn't, all I can say is this....no one will ever know just how much we love that baby and how heartbroken we are and how we waited on the edge of our seats for any little word, any picture that she might send, anything at all, and felt so disappointed and horrible when she didn't follow thorugh on her promises, when we found the thigns that she was saying about us.
To those who adopt...I would suggest that you not use a public forum like this to humiliate the family that has suffered the loss of a child. It won't be taken lightly, I can promise you that.
To those who have lost a child to adoption, especially through DFS, know that my thoughts are with you and I know exactly how you feel.
Signed
Grandmother of the little angel who 'props up her halo with horns'.
We will forever love and remember her.

[echaos]

I'm so sorry for the pain you and your daughter are going through. My thoughts are wiht you.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Wow. I am so sorry, too.

[riley6]

I can understand why you would be angry about the mistruths that were told, but I don't understand why you would close the adoption. Now you won't have any way of keeping in contact with your bgd.

Maybe DCFS told the mistruths to the adoptive mom. I know DCFS workers told me a lot of things about my kids' bfamilies, but once we met them ourselves, we determined a lot of the information was false. Maybe they were told that your family sexually abused the child?

I would be very upset if my younger kids' bgma closed the adoption, bc I know it would hurt my kids in the long run. It is sometimes very hard for the a-p's to maintain an OA, but they do it for the kids' sake.

I'm sorry that you've been so hurt!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

blmsgrandma--

Wow I went back and read what you referred to. How awful. I am so sorry. Your head must be spinning.

But I agree with Riley6.... maybe cutting off all contact is not the way to go... Have you talked to the adoptive mom about it??

[riley6]

I too just went back and read about who it is. I've posted with this person before and have a different take on things. Please know that DCFS has a way of keeping a-p's from b-p's. It could be a whole misunderstanding or misinformation was given to the a-m.

As far as the sexual abuse goes, I will say this. One of my children was SA by a family member of the birth family. The bgm had NO idea. When I told her how I knew, she told me that she just couldn't imagine it happening. I told the bmom and she told me that she had a feeling something was wrong, but she (bc of her own issues) couldn't imagine it would happen, so did nothing about it. It may be that someone did abuse your gd and you just didn't know about it happening. You would in no way be to blame! It sounds like you love your family VERY much and would never have allowed something like that to happen.

I don't know what else to say. My heart really goes out to you. It sounds like you love your gd very much, but just couldn't be there to raise her. I understand that. It's the reason our kids gma agreed to let us raise them. She loves them very much, but didn't have it in her to raise the kids, she just wants to be their gma and we allow that.

For B's sake, could you try to reopen the communication so she doesn't have to search you out when she's 18. It's so hard for so many adoptees not to be able to find their bfamilies. What happens if you die before she's 18? Then she will have this empty place in her life where you should have been.

I hope I'm not overstepping boundaries by what I've said. Like I said before, my heart really goes out to your situation.

[robincote]

I am so sorry for all the pain you are having to endure. Life is such a precious thing and so are children yet so many use them as a pawn in a battlefield of ugliness. I have seen too much of that. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Dark Fate]

Hey Folks,
I wanted to submit a reply to this.
My wife is the one that’s he is talking about and I want to clear some of this up.
Please note my wife has no clue I’m doing this.
So any anger you have about what I may say can go to me and me alone.

Anyways,
here we go.
Most things here are not the way they have came across
And on top of that my wife went through some very tuff stuff at the time of the adoption
And before and after. So of course she had to vent about things abit and such.

I Quote you for a moment” She has accused us of sexually abusing my grand daughter. She claims that my daughter did nothing to regain custody of my grandchild from the state when nothing could be further from the truth.”

Now She has always told me she never thought the Birth mom or Grandma
Was the ones who did this. So has never even considered them a suspect.
She told me there’s no way they could have done that.
But she has been told by doctors and such that the child had been sexually abused by some one in the past before she was adopted. So that’s that.

Next Quote” She insinuates that I practically harrassed her about having an open adoption, when in truth the two times since my daughter TPR'd that I have had contact with her it was her who initiated.” Yes my Wife did try and keep contact for the childs sake. She just wanted to keep in touch and try and be nice be sending pic’s and such.
I seen there chat’s together and she stated that she didn’t feel that it would be good
For them to get to visit with the child. But in chat I sat in on they had kept asking and hinting about getting to see her. Also some of the things on this forums I had said under her name thinking I was logged in to my account as well.
I seen it happen to a point on just the few I sat in on that I was abit irritated.
I wanted to her to brake contact or say back off. But she being a nice person
Wanted to keep in contact just so when our child is grown
She don’t have trouble finding them and if she has questions we can get the answers for them.

Next quote” The really scary part is that she writes her name and location on the internet, posts a picture of my grandchild and then goes on to tell this community what day care she attends.”
I’ll tell you right now many people have there name and location listed and use
There child’s pic as a Avatar on here. Also she never gave the street address
Of the house as well as we had moved and she had changed daycares an such.
On top of this the daycare has such good security. You must put in a pass code just to get into the door. Then once in you have to sign the child out and only authorized people can pick them up. Plus we had moved and she had changed daycares an many different things.
Also I will admit some of the info she gave wasn’t the best to do.
“ Next Quote
she talks of how she tied my grandchild to a chair at the food court in the mall, how she wishes that my grand daughter would be 'normal', how her family was racially biased against my grand daughter before she adopted her and how her family did not want her to adopt, and worse...she talks about her brother being ADD-ODD and out of control and says that her mother has given up on him and then posts that she leaves my grandchild with him to babysit and my grandchild called her so upset and so hysterical that she was hyperventilating.”


The Food court thing wasn’t as it came across at all.
I don’t know the full detail because I haven’t seen the extract post or anything.
But I know with out a doubt anything she did was for her safety or something like that.
She loves this child and would never ever do anything to harm her in any way.

As for how she wish’s our child would be normal . Also it was wrote at a time of frustration.
She is talking about issues that come up for adopted children
On top of ADHD and many other things like that.

Also as for her family it’s correct that they didn’t like the idea
Sadly people don’t always agree and some people are picky on race.
I lived in a whole town like that.
But we cant change how others are and besides that after meeting
Our child they have changed there mind.
And as for the deal with my wife’s brother. He does have a lot of issues
But he has been seeking help and trying to change. Her mom has never given up on him
But there’s been times she has wanted to and been frustrated as well. So that’s where that came from. Also my wife was out of town on the time he had made our child so upset that she called crying. She had been staying with My wife’s mother but he had came and spent sometime with them and that’s when that happened. Also actions were taken on this
It wasn’t just let go.
Any more questions on this issue feel free to ask.
Next Quote” My grandchild was not removed from my daughters care because of abuse or neglect. It was 'risk of harm' because my daughter was young and somewhat out of control at that point in time.
My daughter did not TPR or take TPR lightly.
My daughter has been devastated by the in and out that the foster mother has put on her for the last two years. Maybe it is genuinely her desire to have a relationship with my daughter. Maybe her motives are somethign else entirely.
It does not matter, she's made promises that she did not keep, and she told these horrendous stories about my family that I feel she will some day tell my grand daughter as well.
My daughter and I have no peace now, and we fear for my grand daughters safety because of several things that the adoptive mother posted on this forum.”

It is true the child was note removed for abuse or neglect.
However once she was removed doctors and such found some signs of this.
I wont go into more detail on that for I feel no need to.

Also as for my wife trying to be in contact with the birth mom this is true but wasn’t
Said was things changed for my wife we decided to get married and moved out of state for abit. Also Before and after that the Birth mom ran away several times and last we heard was gone yet again.
So of course my wife is hesitant about this. But for the child’s sake she was trying to stay In contact. Also there is no need to fear about this child. There’s so many people around her that truly love her and is watching out for her.
Next Quote ”My daughter and I have no peace now, and we fear for my grand daughters safety because of several things that the adoptive mother posted on this forum.
I wanted to see if maybe I was misunderstanding the things that she said, so I created this screen name and posted questions that I hoped she would answer to clear things up.
She did not.”
She has sent a reply e mail to clear these things up.
We hadn’t came across this post here to do so. On top of that we had trouble getting post to work.
So it’s not like she didn’t try.
Also let me add my wife has been very sad and upset about this.
She is a good person truly but everyone has to vent and found others here too.
No harm has ever been mean also we only say Good things about the birth Family to our daughter. We feel it’s up to her when she grows up to make her own thoughts on them
If she chooses.

Well I don’t feel any more needs covered.
So I hope it clears things up for you.
I just want to say to The B Grandma here we are sorry for your pain and worry
We don’t want to hurt anyone. We are a strong Christian family and
We try and show the love of the lord to everyone. But we are only human
So at times we get Irrated.

Well I Guess that’s it.
Take care cya around.

[BrandyHagz]

This is a public forum, meant for support and advice.

In the past, we have banned members who have brought personal issues to the forum for purposes of argument.

The birth family/adoptive family relationship is a delicate thing, and shouldn’t be argued on a public forum.

I’m sorry…I know that Grandma just wants to be heard…but the arguing just won’t be allowed.

If the members involved in this personal conflict continue to bash each other, then I will be forced to close the thread and ban the members.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

That was a nice response Dark Fate.... Does that help you any blmsgrandma???

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Sorry Brandy... had already opened the thread when you posted!

[blmsgrandma]

I concede that DFS most certainly could have given her false information, and I know for fact that they did give her some bits of false information from what she has told me.
She says that she took baby to the doctor immediately after placement and that she was told that the reason that my grandchild did not like diaper changes was because she had been sexually abused.
I have raised six babies in my lifetime. Kids don't like to stay still
for diaper changes, or clothing changes, or meals, or anything else. It's a fact.
When the child was first born she woud have a fit about diaper changes even then, she was a swaddled baby. I did not do that with all of my 'kids'. She was the 7th that I had the joy of caring for, and the nurses at the hospital told me that swaddling would be beneficial to her. So I did it.
When *I* asked her doctor about her getitng upset over being diapered (and yes, I expressed some concern that somethign might have happened at the hospital before she came home) I was told that it was a security issue. She feels secure when swaddled, but then when the blankets were removed she no longer felt that security and was uncomfortable with it.
There is a possibility that that carried over to her later months. I don't know, I am no expert.
The only thing that I do know is that she was ONLY cared for by myself and my daughter. No one else. They lived in my home and my daughter and I took care of her in shifts around the clock. There was simply no opportunity for anyone else to have done anything to her and that is why I take it offensively and feel that the statement was directed at us.
I do believe that DFS may have done some lying. Alot actually.
For the a-mom to believe that my daughter did not work on her care plan would have had to come from DFS...I dont' believe that the a-mom is an outright liar and would make that up herself...possibly she might exagerate the information that she was given, but not straight up lie. I would never believe that about her.
I feel bad about how this thing is turning out, but in all honesty, we really don't have any kind of relationship. I have no contact with my grand daughter. I have not talked to nor seen her in ....wow, it's been two years.
Yes, the a-mom has sent photos and called on occasion and recently has kept in contact with me through e-mail and MSN messenger. No one could know how much I appreciate that, and no one could know just how much that I care for the a-mom. I have a very big heart and actually have quite an impressive opinion of her...not very usual for me to feel that way about anyone. I've met very few people in my lifetime that I respect, and she is one of them. For various reasons.
I will also admit that it was MY idea to stop contact.
I went to my daughter with the idea for this simple reason...
having contact makes my daughter feel awful.
The a-mom contacted us earlier this year and said that she would like to form some kind of contact with us...we talked about eventually moving from letters and calls and photos to visits.
My daughter was beside herself with joy.
I was so happy. It was the first time in so long that I saw her have a goal in life, the first time that I could see that she was beginning to come out of the depression that she had been in since her TPR.
For several months (seven, and that is a long time for my daughter ot behave herself in any fashion) my daughter waited for the pictures that a-mom promised to send. Every day she asked if a-mom emailed. Every day she checked the mail for anything that a-mom might send her.
And then a-mom packed her things and moved to Illinois without even so much as telling my daughter that she planned to do that.
My daughter was crushed.
She said 'Mom, why do I bother, she is never going to let me see ******* again'
It really hurt to hear her say that, but it hurt even more to know how much it hurt her to believe that.
My daughter has been beaten down.
'm not proud of the fact that she sneaked a boy into the house one night when she was 12 and had sex and got pregnant.
I AM proud of the fact that she TRIED to live up to her responisbilities with the baby, and that she tried everything that she could, being a 14 year old girl, to get the baby back.
I am also proud of the fact that she loves that little girl more than anything on the face of this earth...her own life included.
I think things will be better this way, especially for my daughter because *IF* a-mom happens to send pictures of her own free will then it will be a nice surprise...no one will be expecting somethign and get let down.
They won't have a hard time finding us...we live in the same town. My number is always listed. I have bought a home that I intend to die in, Ive had the same email address for over six years...so I am not going anywhere.
If worse comes to worse, they could always use a locator service to find us. I am a firm believer that people can't just disappear in America today.
I wanted also to say that this was a hard decision for me personally because of how I feel about a-mom. I love her. I really hurts me to think that I could never talk to her again. I know that it may sound absurd for me to care for her like I do....but I supposed no more absurd than for me to care for my husbands children the same way. If that makes me 'off my rocker' as some people in my life have suggested, then so be it...I'm a nut.
I just hope that life goes well for them. I believe that a-mom needs to rethink what she knows and determine just how much of it she firmly believes in. I think that my grand daughter is in good hands...that a-mom will care for her to the best of her ability, and that she will have a decent life.
I can't really hope for more. Love and attention are the things that I most wanted for her in her lifetime and I think she will get plenty.
Well, I am rattling on with this and really don't have much more to say.
I appreciate the kind words of the people on this forum...it's nice to know someone understands.
Maybe at some point in the future things can be different, but for right now we are much too hurt over the whole thing to progress and there is no point in a stand still in my opinion. It would serve no purpose to leave things hanging without any kind of closure for us or them.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words.
The Angels Grandma

[blmsgrandma]

I did not come to this forum to bash anyone.
I think that what I have said it simply the truth as I see it.
I had already written my last response to other before I saw your note.
I did not give any names.
I woudl have been much happier if I were to have written what I have written here and heard the thoughts of others (as I have some), and not been addressed by the spouse of the a-mom in question.
I do not want to spar...only to be heard and try to understand why things are the way that they are.
I feel that I have issues, and that I can express those issues freely. I never said anyhting other than to quote or verbalize my take on things.
I am sorry if it appears that there is a fight.
Believe me, you don't have to ban me, you will hear no more from me if you feel that I cannot come to this forum and speak freely as others have done.
You must realize that what I have said in no way constutes bashing...I have only spoken from what I have seen on this forum and relayed my dismay over it.
I have not said an actual 'bad' word about anyone.

[tobeafamily]

Open adoption is not easy. It can be challenging even when both families are on excellent terms.

Open adoption is also NOT for anyone's benefit but the child's. It was developed so that adoptees have access to their full history - biological, social, genetic, emotional.

It is not so bfamilies can have peace.

It is not so afamilies can have peace.

The most disrespectful thing someone can do to a child whose family has agreed to openness is to close the adoption - because they are hurt, because it's too hard, because their lives are too different, because they want to move on, because they don't trust, because they can't get exactly what they think they should get immediately, because it isn't what they thought it would be. And so on. None of these reasons considers the impact on the child.

The only reason I can ever justify the closing of a relationship like this is clear and present danger of physicial, emotional or psychological harm to the child.

A woman chose to bring a child into the world. That choice carries with it responsibility. Responsibility isn't always easy. This woman failed as a parent. She has had her child removed from her care - not an easy task nor one taken lightly. Most parents who adopt children whose biological family's rights have been terminated against their will would never consider continued contact because of this.

These parents chose differently. I imagine they did that for the same reasons all adoptive parents in open relationships do - because they want their child to have the same history as any other child.

We are emotional creatures. Parenting is difficult. We vent, say things in the heat of the moment, say things we regret later. We pull things out of context (politicians are famous for this), misenterpret, misunderstand. We are imperfect creatures.

Yet we are capable of great love, great sacrifice, great kindness and great joy.

My suggestion would be to utilize the services of Brenda Romanchik of Open Adoption Insight (google it) to help you work through your issues. Brenda is a birthmom in an open adoption and an adoption educator.

This child has already been failed once. She should not have to endure being failed again.

IMHO

Regina

[blmsgrandma]

Please remember, regina, that my daughter is still a child herself. I am looking out for her best interests.