[imdgrrl]

Did anyone have a hard time dealing with their first wanted pregnancy after placing for adoption?

I have a great open adoption and my son will be 4 this Oct. The aparents have been wonderful and supportive and can't wait to meet thier sons half-sibling.

My problem is my paretns. I was adopted when I was a baby and had a wonderful life growing up. But when I told my parents I was pregnant they wanted me to have an abortion.
At the time I lived in a different city, but when I would come home to visit I wasn't allowed to leave the house because they didn't want anybody to see me. All they were worried about was what their friends would think.

So nobody in our family knows about this. Now that I am getting married and actually happy to be having a baby, I don't want them to have any part in it at all. I am almost 6 months and haven't even told them yet.

Am I wrong? The way I see it, is they had plenty of chances with my first pregnancy to be supportive of me. They didn't even call me at the hospital when I gave birth to see if I was ok.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I am not pregnant yet, though I do imagine I will go through similiar issues. (See some of my anger reasons in my post about my Mom.)

Due to some of my health concerns regarding pregnancy, my fiance and I plan on trying to conceive shortly after our wedding at the end of this year. My Mother thinks this is a horrible idea. She keeps telling me how horrible it is. Apparently, my Mom is not supportive of any pregnancy. Currently, we are not speaking.

I know that I will go through a wide range of emotions. It will be weird to be "allowed" to be pregnant as I will be married and "older." (Though, I should cut my hair so I look over the age of fourteen. Heh!)

If you're having issues with the pregnancy that stem from anger with your parents to other things, have you thought about therapy/counseling. Or even just finding another birthmother around your age experiencing similar issues?

I wish you the best with this pregnancy, your marriage, and your life in general.

[imdgrrl]

I was thinking if I found somebody that was going or went through a similar experience that would help.

I just don't want to have to go through the negative comments again or the rejection that comes with it.

And why should this time be any different just cuz I'm getting married? I wasn't going to keep my first one anyway, but would it have been too much for them to even say once "maybe you should keep it and we'll help you out."

If it wasn't for the baby's aparents, I would have been completely and totally alone. They should have been there for me no matter what and I don't care what their excuse is.

And I'm still pregnant before the wedding, so I can only imagine what they will say about that. But we were engaged way before that happened.

[paigeturner]

For some reason, I’ve had problems posting on this thread, so if there are repeat posts similar to this one, all from me, I apologize.

Boy does this post seem familiar!

I placed my son 21 years ago. Two years later, I was married and shortly thereafter I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. My first wanted pregnancy did bring up all of the old, unresolved anger that my parents and I had with each other. For a while, it was very difficult. Like you, I hid my second pregnancy from my parents for over 6 months. It’s a wonder that T doesn’t have rivet marks on her forehead from me squeezing into my Levi’s for so long! Happily, the birth of my daughter brought on healing and resolution of all of the issues that had been under the surface of our relationship for so long. My parents, like yours, didn’t want people in our small town to know about the adoption either. I believe now that this wasn’t because they were ashamed of me (though that’s how it felt at the time) but because they wanted me to be able to move on without gossip and interference. That’s how it was in many small towns in the early 80’s.

It has just been in the last few years, since I’ve been dealing with two teenage daughters, that I can understand the pain and heartbreak my parents went through with the adoption. As parents, it hurts us to see our children make mistakes with painful consequences. We want our children to have more opportunities than we did. We dream of them enjoying college and embracing everything that life has to offer young people. We want these things for our children, not because we want to relive our own lives, but because we don’t want to see them suffer. Pain and disappointment often manifests itself through anger. I had to come to terms with my own resentment and bitterness and I’m so grateful that I did.

I hope your new life brings you healing and joy.

Paige

[imdgrrl]

Paige,

Thanks for the post. That's exactly what I was looking to hear. I'll be 6 months next week as well. Thank god I don't show too much.

I just wanted to add that I was already out of college and 23. It wasn't like I was 16 or 17 or still in school.

And you would think that since they couldn't have children of their own they would have embraced any chance they could get.
And it wasn't just me. They made my brother's girlfriend get an abortion during the same time that I was pregnant.

[Colorbind love]

I had my daughter 5 years after I placed my firstborn for adoption. I was married and got pregnant intentionally 10 days after my wedding. I had done very well by waiting until I found my DH before having another baby. Believe me, the temptation to have a one night stand and get back to the motherhood I was denied had been strong for years after I placed my bdaughter. But, I resisted that urge and remained patient for dh to enter my life.

My mother was the ONLY family member supportive when I did get pregnant. Ironically, she was the only family member supportive in the pregnancy that I placed for adoption as well. My father and sister were absolutely furious with me. And, emotionally, that pregnancy was probably harder than the first pregnancy. I had worked so hard to supress my emotions in that first pregnancy that they all came rushing back the next time, along with a great deal of guilt for supressing them in the first place. I was terrified I was going to lose this very longed for baby, simply because I had so desperately hoped to lose that first one and didn't. I thought I would be punished by losing my longed for baby as punishment from the first time around.

I was a complete mess. Bless his heart, DH was so supportive. And, quite frankly, I was still a bit of a mess with ds, born 23 months after dd. But, a miscarriage preceeding both of their successful pregnancies just did NOT help me emotionally, rather it confirmed my irrational fear that I was being punished for my past.

Frankly, 11 years after I placed, I still refuse to talk about that first pregnancy AND any subsequent pregnancies with most of my family. I'm a SAHM now, so clearly I'm a failure as far as my family is concerned. I placed a child concieved of rape for adoption, so I'm a failure because I was pregnant in the first place. And, talk about being ashamed to let people know, my father put me on an airplane to the Pacific ocean when he found out I was pregnant. He told me I could come home when I was no longer pregnant, irregardless of how I was no longer pregnant. Yes, I was dumped and on my own in an island in the Pacific Ocean, raped, stalked and pregnant at 16 years of age. Even after the ordeal was over, my father had the gall to inform me that I was at fault for my own rape and resulting pregnancy. Can you guess that I haven't had a meaningful conversation with that man in 10 years, since he informed me of that?

I will say this. I did some really deep self-examining before my last pregnancy. I was tired of paying penance for my past, tired of feeling guilty for having a good life now, and tired of waiting for retribution for my past. I was tired of being made to feel ashamed and guilty by my family. I wanted to embrace my life, my family, my children and my pregnancy with complete abandon and joy. And, this last time, that is precisely what I did. That was 2 years ago, and I'm still standing strong (though not currently having another baby for medical reasons).

[imdgrrl]

I know how hard it was to wait to become pregnant again after the first one. I thought about getting pregnant again right away to try to replace the first baby. But I did manage to wait until I met the person that I wanted to be the father of my kids. And we didn't wait too long once I knew he was the one.

I feel the same way too, that I will somehow be punished for what I did and something will go wrong with this one. Plus, and I know this isn't as important as a healthy baby, but I've always wanted a boy. So of course my first was a perfectly healthy baby boy, with blue eyes and blond hair. Even though I and the biological father both have dark hair, eyes, and skin. So I just know that this one is a girl. Not that I won't love it anyway, but I know I will be disappointed, so we are not finding out ahead of time what it is. But deep inside, I know.
Nothing can ever replace the child I always wanted.

I'm so glad for you that it seems everything has worked out. I don't know if I will ever be talking to my parents again after I tell them about this or not. If they even respond with the slightest hint of negativity, I'll walk out the door and never look back.