[79nic]

Just wondering. Was anyone else here made to think that parenting is sooo difficult?

My birthchild was my first child. People made it sound like parenting was soooo hard.

Well, I'm a parent now. Guess what? Being a birth mother is harder than being a parent.

[michellemartin]

I was told it was sooooo difficult with my first child and I said well I'm going to try and if I cant handle it I'll place. There's lots of people that will adopt a child under one year. But yeah, lots said it was soooo hard to be a parent-expecially since I was still in high school. I even was supposed to write down every day all the difficult things that happened after I had her to help me decide not to parent- well I didnt write that crap down. Yeah some days it was hell, but now I wouldnt trade my Karma for the world (daughters name)

So with the one I chose to place- no they didnt try to sell me that one. But I'm really not sure the lady I worked with would have. She really appeared to be just as interested in helping me find ways to parent as to help me with my adoption plan. I thankfully was never never pressured by anyone. I hear tons of stories where thats different and it makes me feel terrible for those girls.

[Volfe]

I think it's a terrible supposition, that parenting is hard. Why don't they try to talk aparents out of adopting? Certainly kids change your life, but we are adaptable creatures and most of us adapt to the change.

Your post made me think of something.
Don't ever tell this to my daughter...

I tried to have an abortion the first time i got pregnant. I never wanted kids. I knew I had such a legacy of anger and abuse that I just didn't want them. The Dr did the ultrasound and said I had a tumor TOO in there. So here I am, a pregnant high school teen with a tumor... I finally decided he must have been wrong but didn't go for another one (next ultrasound only found baby).

No one knew I was pregnant for 5 months when my best friend busted me. Mom traveled a lot and wasnt around for much of the showing part in the early stages. I had decided on adoption and visited her in MD so I wouldn't be preggers at home. My SIL was there and she talked me out of adoption. I knew it could be done just tried to avoid the teary eyed folks. She cried about how her kid and mine would be cousins and blah blah blah, cried... That's what got me. So I became a teen mom.

The secondtime around I knew I couldn't handle two babes in diapers. Mom didn't want me to place and tried to get me to change my mind after the birth but I refused.

Roops the bf's getting up and I don't like him reading this. lol.

Maia

[79nic]

Maia,

LOL, once when my hubby came upstairs and I was writing something kind of personal on one of the forums (there is another one I'm on), I actually THREW my hands in front of the monitor! He was like, "OKAY, I wasn't going to READ it!"



He is my best friend and soul mate but sometimes I guess I get a little private about the birthmother feelings.

Anyway... it was not the agency I went to that tried to tell me parenting was so hard. ! It was my parents and the baby's father. He actually said to me, "I'm worried that if you parent the baby you'll end up resenting it for changing your life." That thought NEVER crossed my mind till he said it. RESENT THE BABY? Whatever. I might resent the he$$ out of him, but not the BABY. Sheesh.

[BrandyHagz]

Maybe it was because I didn’t care what anyone said, or maybe its because I was in a more progressive area…but I was never told anything about either of my choices.

When I got pregnant with Jerrett, I never even considered anything but being his parent. No one ever said a word to me about how hard it would be to parent him, while being a college student with a full load of classes. No one ever talked about the possible inadequacies of a twenty one year old single mom. I was pregnant, I gave birth, I became mom. That’s just how it was.

When I was pregnant with M, and making an adoption plan, again, no one questioned my decision, no one tried to persuade me one way or the other, it was just that, my decision, and it was respected.

I didn’t rely on others to help me make my life decisions…I knew what I wanted, and what I had to do…I doubt I would have been affected by anything anyone said during either pregnancy, because I just didn’t care what others thought, or wanted me to do.

In the end, I don’t feel I was lied to or manipulated. I feel like I made an informed decision that, in both instances, has worked out well for everyone involved.

(I have a really bad headache right now, so if I don’t make sense, that’s why)

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I see that all the time, too.... I see it A LOT when people are trying to talk the fathers into signing...

I had my first daughter when I was 18...no one tried that line on me.... I didnt place my second because parenting is hard... But I know what you mean, I see it all the time here and on other places!

I agree that it is MUCH harder to be a birthparent than a parent.

I ALSO often have wondered how that works when talking parents into placing....but doesnt work when talking people out of adopting....hhmmmm...... I think it is because parents who are expecting are vulnerable and dont know what to expect....but people waiting to adopt have thought it through...made a plan....and all of that. If the time was taken to sit down and make a plan with expecting parents, then it wouldnt be so hard for them either....IMO.

[Volfe]

Yes I agree that a plan for parenting would enable someone to parent (or decide to not even).

Cast about for support amongst family and friends... Govt resources, schools that help, everything...

I wanted to say that is sooo much easier to parent more than one child though. And I have read that some people are told how hard it is... for instance, pregnant divorcees... in order to influence adoption outcomes.

Back to work

Maia

[PetersMom]

As a mom by adoption, we DID get scrutiny about our decision to adopt. "Are you sure you want children that bad?" "Why do you have to spend so much money?" "Are you sure you want that kind of scrutiny?" "Aren't you afraid that the parents will want the baby back?" "What if...(fill in blank)?"

We also got questioned by the social worker about how we plan to raise our children, we had to submit 3 years of tax records to prove we could afford a child. We had to prove we had life insurance policies and a living trust so that any child placed with us would be provided for if the worst happened. We had to take parenting classes, infant CPR classes, child care classes, adoption issues classes, etc. All to make sure we not only understood what it would take to be a parent, but to make sure we REALLY WANTED to be parents. I think if everyone who was going to be a parent had to go through what we went through, it would really open eyes to the realities of parenting and could make more informed decisions.

I agree that being a birthparent is harder, but 79nic you must remember that you are not a single parent. That is much harder than being a married parent.

No one should be coerced into adoption, but I do believe they should be educated on the pros and cons of each choice. I also believe that no birthmother should be told that she was selfish and uncaring because she gave her child a family of her choice because she wanted more for her child than she could give.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I agree that being a birthparent is harder, but 79nic you must remember that you are not a single parent. That is much harder than being a married parent.

As a single parent...yes it is hard....but well worth any struggle that may occur! There is help out there! Being a birthparent is much harder and I wouldnt wish it on anyone.... If educating about how hard it is to be a parent...expecting parents should also be educated on how hard it is to be a birthparent....not just the sugar coat of what a wonderful thing they are doing, by giving someone else the chance to parent. It is hard. Much harder than trying to figure out how to pay a bill or something.....there is plenty of help for that.....but the loss of your child is always there...you can talk about it...and share with others...but there is no getting around it.

I am totally not anti-adoption...I just beleive that parents should be given all of the facts....not the candy that will sell them on the issue. They should be able to make a choice knowing what to expect.....

[BrandyHagz]

Ya know, I never realized how hard it was to be a single parent, until I marred my husband.

I guess, not having anything to compare it to, I just thought it was normal parenting…then when John and I marred, moved in together, and started co-parenting, I was amazed! LOL

Single parenting, without the support of family and friends was much harder than I thought it would be…of course, my son has special needs, which is hard enough to handle in a two parent home most days.

I may get bashed for saying this…but being a single parent, at least for me, was much harder than making (and following thru) with the adoption plan. It was the one “reservation” I had when I found out I was pregnant after I got married…there is no way in the world I could be a single parent to two, I will openly and honestly admit that right now, I do not have what it takes.

Unfortunately, we lost the babies (it was twins)…but I have to admit, thinking about having another child, or even adopting, really scares me…because if something where to happen, I couldn’t raise them alone…how disgusting is that?

[Volfe]

I got used to being the boss and having no one second-guess my decisions. When I married my child's father well that changed

I'm a control freak I guess...

But it IS easier wth my bf, he helps me, he disciplines, he feeds them and stuff, watches them after school.

I remember being scared of having two kids and a being a single parent... But when I decided on a divorce after a 4-yr marriage, in a town thousands of miles from home, with no job (but college loans), and two kids. Well, I preferred the single parenting to marriage (but of course, my ex couldn't live with me anymore cuz he got kicked off-campus due to a firearm pointed at himself, and was just not a person I wanted around anyway after all that).

But THREE.... ooo I didn't wanna try it with three kids

And so here I am today

Maia

[79nic]

I don't know what it's like to be a single parent. I imagine it IS MUCH harder than being a co-parent.

However, when I decided to place, if I'd kept Marie, I would not have been a single parent. My boyfriend (now husband) proposed to me shortly after Marie was born, while I was still trying to decide what to do. What did I say when he asked if I'd spend the rest of our lives together? "What about the baby?" He said it didn't really matter what I decided, he loved me and wasn't going to lose me. So if I came with a kid, he was OK with it.

So... yeah. I would not have been a single parent. Maybe some of you are thinking, "OK, but there's no guarantee he would have stuck around once you had a kid." I suppose that is true... but I know Matt. He WOULD NOT have left. He just wouldn't. He's been through two pregnancies with me (the first one, Marie, not even his child). He's been through depression with me. He's been through labors and deliveries with me.

He would not have left. I would have had a partner.

I agree that being a birthparent is harder, but 79nic you must remember that you are not a single parent. That is much harder than being a married parent.

No, I'm not a single parent. And I would not have been then, either. But no one seemed to acknowledge this.

I honestly do not regret my decision. When I think back on it, I know I'd do the same thing again. What I dislike is the "parenting is so hard" pressure tactics.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

What a great guy!!!!

[BrandyHagz]

For me, single parenting was a lot different.

24 hours a day, seven days a week of being the only parent is hard…I had no break, not even 20 minutes to take a bath.

When John and I got married, he laughed at me because I took showers faster than him, and he is a Marine, used to taking 3-4 minute showers. Its just what I had to do…

I think my experience as a single parent is different than others…as I said above, Jerrett is special needs, he can’t be alone for more than a few minutes…single parenting, for me, was exhausting. I cant imagine doing it for two, or more, without the help of someone else.

It’s nice now, because when John is home, he enjoys the primary parent roll, and I enjoy the break. It makes parenting Jerrett while John is not home, much easier.

[Colorbind love]

I actually expected to be a single mother.

I didn't place because parenting was hard. I knew what parenting would be. I had a young brother that I essentaily raised while my parents went off to persue their carreer goals. I was his sole provider for probably 75% of his first 2 years of life. I had cared for children every day of my life since I was 10 years old. I loved children, and I was prepared to be a mother.

What I wasn't prepared to do was place a child in my care that I truly hated her father, and I truly hated how she came into existence. I knew myself. And, I knew that I could never guarantee that I wouldn't ever take the frustration and anger out on her. And, truthfully, I considered keeping her briefly when she was born and I knew she was a girl. But, I was terrified of her being a son. I don't tell anyone, but the truth is that if she had been a boy, I would NOT have had the open adoption. I would have placed her with the first family that I broke off the relationship with because I could tell they were planning on closing the adoption. Right or wrong, I couldnt' bear the thought of watching the son of my rapist grow up and having to wonder if it was genetics or environment that made him a rapist.

Anyway, I don't recall anyone trying to tell me that parenting was hard because I knew what parenting was about. But, I had no intention of not being a mother.

I was about to embark into the world of adoptive parenting when I met my DH. I had figured that I would adopt children and if the Lord blessed me with a spouse someday, then so be it. If not, then I could continue with my life anyway.

7 years and nearly 6 kids later, and I wonder how I thought I was so invincible. I guess I've become complacent because NOW I would never want to single parent. I think I'd go crazy. I'd do it if I had to, but its certainly not my preference these days.

And, truthfully, I don't think that its being a birthmother that is the hardest now. I also don't think that parenting typical kids is harder. What is hard for me is parenting a special needs child. I love him to death, and how he entered this family has no bearing on that love. But, there are many days that I just wonder if I really have all that he needs to heal and one day have a fully normal life. Parenting a child with so much pain, history and issues is by far harder than being a birthmother and a mother to typical children. I feel very blessed to be his mother. But, I feel the burden of potential failure as well. Now, its like if he doesn't heal and have a normal life, then it will be my fault for not being *enough* for him. And, I love him so much that I ache when I think about that fear. I want him to have everything a normal kid has. I want him to know what its like to BE normal. And, I worry that his pain and his issues might prove one day to simply be too great for him to have that life that I so desperately want for him.