[WestCoatBMom]

Imagine if you will being young (24) in college, full of hopes and somewhat unrealistic life and career ambitions. You already have one child, a toddler and that is all the you both want. People are pressuring you to have more than one child, but you know that isn't what you want... So you get a sterilization and have to move heaven and earth in order to get it because of your young age.

Now imagine 9 months after having that tubal ligation you find out you are PREGNANT! Yes, it happens in one out of every 1000 cases. You sink into a depression and your shaky marriage has gotten even shakier. Husband wants you to abort, but you can't bring yourself to do it. He is threatening to walk out on you at 7 months! So people at a local church suggest the adoption option...and you do it.

This is my true story. It is now 18 years since I placed that child for adoption, and I DO NOT regret it in the least! I feel my then husband and I made the best choice at the time.

So why does it seem that some people try to make you feel guilty about it because you are not pining away every day? or accuse you of "throwing your child away?" I'm sorry but that is so unfair! I read all these heart wrenching stories about birth mother so desperate to find the children they gave up, but no one ever tells the other side of the story...how giving up the child for adoption saved their lives not to mention their sanity!

To the angry and judgemental adoptees... I say do not judge the bmom or bdad until you've walked a mile in their shoes! Who says your life would've been better if the adoptee had remained in the family of origin, especially if the marriage was an unhappy and unstable one? or the mother felt suicidal? No one considers those things. No some people just want to pronounce judgment and make them sound like a latter day Hitler or something. I've seen quite a bit of this on the board, and I felt compelled to register and speak out so that women like me have a voice, too.

I do not love nor do I hate the child I gave away. The truth is I feel neutral about it. I do remember the birthdate, but I do not put myself through any rituals or cry my eyes out on that day either. While I am not adverse to meeting the child I gave up as it is now their legal right at age 18 to look me up if they wish, I am not going to initiate the contact. However, if that person did find me and showed me the kind of anger at me that I've seen on some of these posts, I am not sure I want to meet them.

It took me a long time to get my life together after that traumatic event and subsequent divorce and being a struggle single parent, college student etc, and the LAST thing I need is someone taking me through a guilt trip for a decision I made so long ago.

Are there any other birth parents who feel this way? or am I just the "odd one" here?

[LoveRiddenDad]

The bmom of our first two children says she doesn't regret it. We have an open relationship and speak with her weekly though! I don't think you should feel guilty, but it is a bit surprising you don't miss the child. I guess it's good if you're happy though.

[hippiechick]

You must be secure in your decision...it's okay to feel the way you feel...I feel the same way about my adoptions...

hippiechick/Lisa,
bmom of 3
mom of 1

[roomformore]

I think you made a wise decision to give up your child in the situation you were in. If you were not in a position to raise the child then what a blessing you bestowed on another family. I don't see any reason why you should feel guilty. Your pregnancy was truly an "accident" or you could look on it as God really wanted that little one to be born for some purpose. I applaude you for having the courage to not abort the baby. I totally understand you not feeling guilty but are you ever just curious about how he/she turned out?

[aishlin]

Hi, I am a firstmom who is now in reunion for 7 months, 36 years after surrendering my baby for adoption.

I fully agree that there is no one who has any right to lay a guilt trip on anyone else for a decision they made which they felt was the correct one for all involved.

Nor, on the other hand, should a negative judgement be placed those who have made what may appear to be the same decision and through the years have pined or longed for their lost child. Most will never know the reasons why they surrendered their child or even how much of a voice they even had in that decision.

Remember that these women, too, have had to hear the same abuse, accusation and platitudes from people that really should keep their opinions to themselves.

As for becoming pregnant by accident, I honestly don't know any women who have planned their pregnancy with the idea of then surrendering the child. Single women can have the same "accidents" as married women.

I am happy for those that are at peace with their decisions and if they have no desire to find the child, that is their business and no one elses.

For the mothers who are willing to have contact with their now adult child, should they find you at some point. I would hope that you are willing to answer the "why" and "what was wrong with me" questions should they ask, as well as health and heritage background.

No one should be abused or demeaned in reunion and I believe that ground rules should be set for and by both parties based on mutual respect. Those who do not do this are their own worst enemies in the long run as they are just asking for more pain.

I am sort of at a loss to fully understand what it is that you are so angry about or what makes you feel so different from the millions of other mothers that have given up a child to adoption over the years. The "story" may vary, the rationales and reactions may vary but the reality of the event is still the same.

[logansmom]

My birthson is 5months old now. I don't regret my decision. I have contact weekly, which is probably too much. I just don't feel like its my child. I love him, but it's not the same love I have for my 5 year old daughter. If I didn't have a scar across my belly from the c-section I could probably forget the whole thing. I feel like I carried someone else's baby for them. I feel bad for the bmoms that regret their decision, that has to be the most painful thing in the world.

[79nic]

WestCoatBmom,

No, you should not feel guilty for not regretting your decision. It's wonderful that you can be at peace with your decision.

As for angry adoptees.... you said, Who says your life would've been better if you had stayed in your family of orgin?

Valid point... no adoptee can know for certain which life "would have been" better. I wonder, though, if some of the anger (or hurt) you have seen from some adoptees comes partially from feeling rejected, or having unanswered questions, or just feeling lonely/different from other people. (Not that all adoptees feel this way.) ? Perhaps it's these things that cause their hurt/anger/frustration more than a desire to have stayed w/ their original family?

I guess I'm just saying that you don't need to feel so judged....

There are also many well-adjusted adoptees out there who do not feel animosity towards their bparents for relinquishing.

[blankenb4]

I am a birth mom who doesn't share your feelings about the child you placed for adoption. I do applaud you for making the decision that was best for you and the child. And I also say, "GO GIRL - You chose life over terminating you pregnancy."

Best wishes for a happy future.

Barbara

[Colorbind love]

I placed 10.5 years ago, and I too have no regrets wrt the adoption.

I do love that child. But, not as a mother. I am not her mother and I have not felt like her mother ever. Quite honestly, if I had choosen a closed adoption I might have walked away without a backward glance. But, I knew that I needed to know that she was okay and to know what her life was like. Choosing a fully open adoption has been harder emotionally. It has been impossible to completely walk away and never be reminded. But, it has solidified my stance of no regrets. I made the absolute best decision for that child. She is healthy and happy and I have watched her grow every day of her life.

I don't think you need to feel guilty for being at peace. I wish that more birthmothers could find peace and healing for their lives. I see the torment and pain so many online go through and I wish there were some way to show them how to have peace. But, I certainly don't feel guilty for having peace in my own situation.

[michellemartin]

I'm happy with my choice!!!

I also do not regret.

I have my daughter and she is all I ever wanted. Lots of people in my life asked how can you give that one away and have kept the first? I was 17 the first time around. No position to be parenting then, but I did it, and I knew this time would be easier and that I did not HAVE to place her, but its what I wanted to do. If her parents told me I would never see her again I doubt I would be angry, for that is their choice now. I chose to give up any child I may have when my first was about a year old. I knew then I didnt want to be a mommy a second time around. Although I've recently decided if I can find myself a sugar daddy I guess I'd be willing to be a stay at home mom . Just kidding there, but I really wouldnt mind staying home, so if ya'll know any rich men that just want to hand out money, I guess I could live with not working LOL. But really no more babies! I dont have any good reason for giving her up either. I cant say I couldnt afford it, I cant say I wouldnt have made a good mommy- because I'm already the worlds greatest mommy (well at least according to my 6 yr old- we'll see what she thinks in 10 yrs) I definitely have room in my home to bring another child here, it wasnt about giving her a better life, rather giving me a better life I guess. And for that I feel like I'm supposed to feel guilty, but I dont. I just didnt want to be a mom again. I wonder how that will come about when she asks why- if she ever asks why. I have an open adoption. Hopefully by then I'll know what to say.

[79nic]

Shellie,

THANK GOD!!!!!!!!! I never knew you felt that way--that you did it for yourself!

I feel that way too sometimes. Or at least that placing Marie was as much about what would be best for me as for her.

Don't get me wrong... the pregnancy circumstances were awful, and I was not even sure where I'd live if I had kept Marie... at the beginning of my pregnancy, it really seemed the best thing for her would be adoption.

But by the end of the pregnancy, I had a stable boyfriend; he would let me live with him with the baby; I was only a year away from graduating college; I knew I'd be a good mommy; etc.

But I wasn't READY. And my boyfriend (now hubby) REALLY wasn't ready. And I knew I wanted to marry him (he proposed shortly after she was born). And I didn't see the point in jeopardizing our marriage (marriage is hard enough!) by starting off with a child right away--a child that wasn't even biologically his--when he really wasn't ready to be a daddy.

So....I relinquished.

K, sorry so long... got sidetracked! Anyway, what I wanted to say was that this is what I plan on telling Marie, if she asks questions about why she was placed:

I will tell her I wasn't ready to be a mommy. So I did a lot of work to find the very best parents in the world for her, people who WERE ready to be parents. And I found her mommy and daddy.

It's all very true... I wasn't ready to be a mom. Sounds like that's true for you, too.

I think that's a perfectly OK explanation to give: true, but doesn't make the child feel like placing was all about what was best for you. (Oh yeah, and I am going to emphasize that I wasn't ready to be a mommy to ANY child, so she doesn't think it's her fault somehow.)

[Volfe]

Oh Shellie - You've put feelings into words I didn't know how to say. chuckle. Guess we should talk more cuz I'll need your advice on what to tell Gracie when she's older but I too decided long ago I didn't want to parent again. No one would tie my tubes... I asked every pregnancy and then some. I had two abortions and grieve them. I had adoption in mind then too but couldn't work where I work (still work) and be single and pregnant. But I was done being a mom, I'm not very patient, I was 18 when my oldest was born, I don't want to be parenting FOREVER. I don't want to be a parent from 18 to 52. I get frustrated at times that I COULD have (b/c the situation is not what I'd planned out in openness). My boyfriend owns this house, we both have good jobs, money is not an issue but really its more our temperments and emotional baggage were. He has a kid and is happy with that one. I just don't want more... I finally have my tubes tied and yanno, that is kinda a grief thing I hadn't been expecting. But anyway. Glad to hear yall share.

Maia

[michellemartin]

Nicole- sometimes I wish when she asks that I could say I wasnt ready to parent ANY child, but I've already got one, so I'll have to find another excuse LOL

At the TPR hearing the hardest question to awnser was why should you not parent your child? That was tough, but I managed to stutter something out- couldnt tell you what- but they were ok with whatever it was I said.

Maia- I dont believe in using hormones and I refuse to get my tubes tied. I said I had to be pg the least you can do is get snipped- obviously to my bf. I wanted to be a mom when I had Karma, and that was the only one I ever wanted. I own my home also and am pretty stable financally-just that **** credit card- they keep telling me I can have more money.

[michellemartin]

I didnt think that was a bad word! Alright that stupid credit card company that keeps increasing my limit.

[Volfe]

Ah yeah, I regret debt much more than adoptions. I finally stopped using my CCs but nor am I saving yet...

I do regret a bit the people I chose to adopt, but had always planned on having an open adoption (turns out she's a bit impulsive, doesn't think things through and basically wasn't prepared for a child or an open adoption, though she's muddling through). Their lawyer let them slip by without a home study which I think would have helped focus her, or sifted them out of the running...

I wanted my tubes tied first thing - I was 18. Big fat no then and every time. I have been pregnant 6 times and frankly I hurt physically from it (my hips are killing me even now). I agree that men should snip a certain tube as well <mutters>. Heck, my boyfriend flipped out about kids and money and so forth. Well, we're not married, maybe he should consider his um fertility problem...

Hugs Shellie! I'll have it easier explaining it to my son though for years I worried that he'd think I didn't keep him cuz he was a boy. My worry mind you. I kept my first and third born, both girls. Maybe HE'LL help me explain it to her or advise me at the time... ?? Arg.

Thanks

Maia