[michellemartin]

I was glad Karma was a girl. I didnt want a boy and still dont and I only wanted one. So I had my one shot for a girl and success!!!
I'm so happy with T and D- finally told them the problems I've had with the picture and hospital and insurance. If I ever were pg again I'd hope they were still waiting for a second. I was pretty nervous about the picking of the parents. Oh my, what a headache. I see that this one wants very open - but are they just saying that- and this one wants semi but would be willing to do open- the whole process is nerve wracking. I'm glad they turned out as wonderful as their profile portrayed them to be.

[79nic]

Nicole- sometimes I wish when she asks that I could say I wasnt ready to parent ANY child, but I've already got one, so I'll have to find another excuse LOL

Shellie,

What I mean is that you weren't ready to parent your child, no matter who that child was....... That you weren't ready to parent ANOTHER child.

But you've made me think... do you really think an adoptee, born to a bmom who alrady has children she's parenting, would really resent that bmom placed him/her and not the other, older kids?

It seems natural to us, that once we're already parenting, and get pregnant again, that it's the BABY we'll place, not the older kids. Maybe I've been taking it for granted that an adoptee will understand that?

[michellemartin]

I dont think anyone would expect a bmom to relinquish the one she is already parenting rather than the newborn. But usually I'd have to say that it seems when someone relinquishes their second they are in a worse place or their situation hasnt improved to the point they could raise another child. In my case I am in a much much better place in my life to parent now and that's why I'm afraid she will grow to resent me. I would think it would be worse if I had another one now and chose to parent that one (which I told my bf I would do if he'd let me be a housewife- jokingly though).

I think most adoptee's would understand that they were placed because the older child should not be taken from the only home they know and the only parents they know.

[michellemartin]

What I did tell the lawyer when we were going over the why should you not parent question in the office- I only want one kid. Him- HUH! Me- I only want one and I dont want to have a baby.
Him- Oh, so you want a better life for your baby? Me- no, I'm capable of providing a good life for her, I just dont want to be a mommy again.

He thought I was crazy I'm sure of it. I think he was suprised I signed the TPR cause I couldnt think of anything to tell him other than I just didnt want to be a mommy again.

[Volfe]

well they work with so many people who are dying to be parents it's hard to hear what they aren't expecting -- that someone does not want to be.

And bmom's usually say they can't care for the baby, etc. I think its the expected norm and not necessarily reality all the time.

It's not a rejection of that child, it's a rejection of parenthood. It's what many adults do (reject parenthood) and they don't have kids.

I do wonder what the adoptee willthink. That is one reason I want to stay close in her life... to know I love her 300%.

Maia

[michellemartin]

Definitely true Maia. I dont want to be a parent again. If I were incapable of having children I'd be very ok with that. I dont want her to thiink I'm regecting her either, cause I dont hate her or anything I just dont want to be mommy to her or anyone else ever again.

[MeggieC]

First of all, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to whoever started this thread! It makes me feel sooooo much better that there are other women out there who don't feel the slightest shred of regret for placing their children for adoption (and it's such a relief!). I can honestly say that I have never regretted putting Rachel up for adoption. It was the best thing for both of us, and, dang it!, I wanted to finish college without a child around! I wanted to have a life before I had to give it all up! I wanted more for her than I could give her right then, and I wanted more for any children I may have in the future. I cannot sacrifice the lives of all my potential children (and there WILL be more) to save one. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And if that's selfish, so be it.

It's not that I don't love her, but like one poster said, I do not feel like her Mommy nor have I ever. I love my husband too, but I don't feel like his mom. And like the initiator of this thread, I don't run around doing little rituals on her birthday. I stop and think about her, wonder how she's doing, and move on (it's a fairly closed adoption). I selected the family, and while I may have made some bad decisions at that time in my life, this was not one of them. I am not going to mourn her because she's not dead.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I think I've been needing to say if for a long time!

Meggie

[lori628]

My circumstances were very different from yours, but I do not regret the adoption, either. I could not provide a home or adequate support, nor was I mature enough to be a decent parent. As far as I'm concerned, the people who "throw away" their babies are those who keep them in poverty and emotional deprivation to the detriment of everyone concerned.
I recently reunited with the daughter I gave up, and I am very glad to have done so. She has had an extraordinarily happy life and a successful marriage, and has a healthy and happy child of her own. I don't believe her life would have been nearly as successful if I hadn't had the courage to give her up.
For every adoption there is a reason; the reason for keeping a child in difficult circumstances is rarely as good as the reason for relinquishing it. I hope your adopted child is as understanding of that fact as mine has been, and that your reunion, if any, gives you both satisfaction.

[MeggieC]

I agree whole-heartedly, lori628. How is adoption any worse for a child than keeping a child and not being able to care for him or her, and, sadly, sometimes not even caring for the child? I've seen too many damaged children who could have benefited so much if their mothers had thought to put the child up for adoption, but instead kept him/her, and now the child is suffering. If parents want what's best for their children, then why do people assume that the parents are always "what's best"? When will people (especially some teenage girls) learn that a child is not a doll or a status symbol? You can't just throw a child away (ie. abandon, ignore, abuse him/her, etc.) when you get tired of taking care of him or her. Being a parent is a round-the-clock, 365-day-a-year job, and you never stop being a parent--even after your kids move out and have families of their own.

Thanks so much for this thread, guys! I look forward to the next post!

Meggie

Btw, 79nic, Elise is a gorgeous name for your daughter!

[79nic]

Meggie,

Thank you! We named her after the song "Letter to Elise" by The Cure. LOL.

Hmmm. I think I'm somewhere inbetween you and Shellie and the original poster of this thread... Although I don't really regret the adoption, and I know I'd do it again, I DID feel like Marie's mommy.

[michellemartin]

I will admit that sometimes I walk past the baby aisle and think I wish I had a reason to buy this stuff- she's only 3 months now. So yeah sometimes I'm sad that she's not here, but I'm not sad that I'm not her Mommy. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure I can truly say I Love Her. Sometimes I think something must be wrong with me to feel that I dont love her as I do my daughter. I would be sad if she were to die or something terrible were to happen. But I dont feel a huge connection as some others I've talked to do.

[theresa ann]

I am sorry that you feel that we as adoptees are trying to make you feel guilty for a decision that was made in the best interest of your child. I applaud you for making a very difficult decision
and following through with it. I am sure that your child is very happy in their current situation and it sounds that you are happy too.Please try to rememeber that there are many of us that dont have the answers to the reasons as to why they gave us up. what you are probably feeling is some displaced anger and pain from some of us. It is not that I am judging you, because
only God has that right. I am not judging my parents any more either. I have 5 siblings that existed at the time of my adoption
and I grew up an only child . I always wished I had at least had the option to know my brothers and sisters and also have access to my medical history. I am a mother of a girl that is the apple of my eye and I pray that there is not some type of medical, genetic
predisposition that may skip a generation and affect my daughter.
It is something that I feel is very important to me.I am not saying that if I knew I could prevent it. Information is always very important- re background culture. I am certain that by my birthmom
non id info that I was definately put in a much better situation for
a child . It does not however keep me from wondering what she looks like , if i look like her , if i have any of her traits.

[l-thompson]

I think most adoptee's would understand that they were placed because the older child should not be taken from the only home they know and the only parents they know.

I sincerely hope that your children do understand why they were relinguished...
Matters of the heart sometimes are not so easily understood....logical thinking at times does not prevail where adoption is concerned.
I am sure being on this forum gives you insight on how some adoptees can feel and so I realise you will be more than prepared if your child doesn't understand in later years.

[Volfe]

Shellie,

Yanno I felt as you do with Kara as I did with Nathan. I dunno, it's not that I didn't love him, or that I don't now, but he's someone else's child. I felt that soooo strongly.

And with Gracie it's different. I love her so very much but I placed her despite. I made honestly evaluated, practical and well-intentioned decisions based on the info I had. I Love her still but it is set to one side. I cannot embrace it like I can with my own kids. But it will not die.

Sometimes I think that I did so well with Nathan (and I downward spiralled so badly too) b/c I had a vision after my first daughter. I pictured placing a dark haired boy into someone's arms. I knew I'd be young and it was an adoption scenario. His dad had dk brn hair but he's got red, go figger. I knew it was him. At the ultrasound they were so shocked I knew he was a he. LOL.

My other vision which I guess pertains to Gracie was that I'd keep her. And all would be well (before that was the Dark Time and truly it was Dark). should I have kept her? No, I didn't want to dump my emotional baggage and her father's onto her. Would it have gone well? Well, I'm a good mom I know that but still... There is a reason I have such a terrible adoption scenario and I guess I'll just work on fulfilling that role which God (or whatever ) has provided to me.

Maia

~ Having an extremely bad week

[79nic]

Maia,

((((Hugs)))). What happened that is making your week so bad????? Or is it nothing particular, just a bad week?????

I hope you are OK. Thinking about you....
Nicole