[lmh5]

I am sitting here trying to find a way through words to express myself, and I am not sure I am able to.

First, please allow me to say, reading all of the threads have been a balm to my soul. I have never even tried to find support after I gave up my daughter because my family made me feel so completely unworthy. Unworthy to be her mother, unworthy of compassion, unworthy of emotional support, unworthy of any rights at all.

She is going to be 15 this fall. Can you believe it? 15. It's been 15 years since my heart was ripped out of my chest and I was left bleeding to death and told to get over it. And this from my adoptive parents.

I can't get her back, I can't have those years back, and I can't change what happened. I know all this. But it doesn't change my anger. I am 35 years old and my parents continue to refuse to hear my voice. They didn't listen then, and they refuse to listen now. How pathetic is it that I am still so hurt by them?

They told me to choose, them or my daughter. You want to hear something totally sick? I chose them. I didn't think I could live without their "love". I am still waiting for their love, and my kid is gone.

I am so angry and there is nothing I can do about it. It's like hitting the wind. It was a closed adoption, so I still have years to wait before I can even hope to hear from her.

There is nothing to be done. I need to find peace. I need to let my anger go and rest in my faith. I need to stop wanting to change the things I can't and just accept my parents limits.

I am so very glad to have found this site. Praise to all of you. You have made me feel not quite as alone.

Laura

[Julie64]

Hi Laura, I just read your post and I want to tell you that I do feel for you. I haven't been a bmom, I am an adoptee, but keep posting, there are alot of great ladies here and lots of support.
(((hugs))) ~Julie
I just looked at your profile, I see that you are also an adoptee. Hey, you'll have all kinds of us to talk to! Take care hun. Keep posting your feelings, it helps alot. ~Julie

[chrismh]

Laura,
I just read your post. So sorry for how you are feeling. Is it right, you are an adoptee and a birth mother? If it is then you are dealing with alot of emotions and feelings.
Just wondering, have you ever thought about looking for your bio parents? Maybe some of your pain lies in that.
Chris

[condetti123]

I just sent you a private message. We have a lot in common with our situations. I am adopted and my daughter was placed in a closed adoption 16 years ago. We have been dealing with a lot of the same feelings throughout these years. Maybe we can help one another. PM me or post to let me know if you want to chat. I live in Georgia as well. Hugs!!!

[blankenb4]

Laura,

I'm sorry for your pain. Even though I can't feel the pain of being an adoptee, I am a birthmother who to had no choice in keeping my daughter. That was 33 years ago. I recently began my search for her. I started with the agency which handled the adoption and they were able to locate her within a few weeks. She is not ready to have contact at this time, but sent me a copy of her wedding portrait. I hope that some time in the future she will want some contact. The waiting is difficult, but at least I was able to find out that she was placed with a good family and has had a happy life. I do so want to meet her and see her. I don't know what the age restrictions or laws are in the state which handled your adoption, but you should check it out. And if you know the agency, then maybe you can leave your current information for contact in case she comes looking.

Lots of luck,

Barbara

[lmh5]

Thank you, ladies, for your kindness. I just re-read my post and since I was raised to always be nice, talk nice, make nice, the level of anger pouring through my words is very unsettling.

Yes, I am adopted and my two brothers are also adopted. None of us are blood related. We were all born in California and I actually called the county human service office that handled our adoptions earlier this afternoon. California is still pretty closed about getting information, even when you petition the court. I will have to prove that getting all the information is "necessary".

I haven't spoken with my parents today, since our big blow up yesterday which is what stirred all this up. My dad wants to know if I am going to keep rehashing "M's" adoption. Since yesterday was the first time I brought it up in 15 years, I got a little angry. My mother's stand is I need psychiatric help, which by the way I have, because obviously I am mentally unstable and got that from my birthmother. She actually said that. I threw out the argument of environment vs. heredity. My parents said they were protecting me from the shame I created by getting pregnant. How can you protect me from shame when I don't feel shame. I was too busy feeling so many other emotions.

I told my parents I felt it was a little hypocritical to not have a problem with me having sex (I was 20 at the time), but heaven help us, don't come home pregnant. I don't know. It sounds all so stupid and trite now, but yesterday I had fire shooting out of my ears and mouth. Bottom line is this, I miss her. With a little compassion and help, I could have kept her, but because "M" didn't fit into our upper class image, there was no way I was going to keep her. My pregnancy threatened my parents carefully built image of who our family was. I think that this is what I find so difficult to forgive.

I am married and have been for 12 years. Kevin is great and he was with me throughout "M's" pregnancy. He was my best friend at the time and he still is. We have three kids, Emily 9, Bear 5, and Bryson 19 months. We homeschool the two older kids while Bryson is busy being more destructive than the other two combined. My life is full and I love my family. They have saved that tiny, hidden, fragile soul inside of me.

Thank you for all of your kind words. You all speak so elequently and informatively. I truly believe that going through the fire, which giving up a child through adoption will do, redifines who you are and your life path. I am only know realizing how much losing "M" has impacted my life. It has effected me on a subconcious level that I am only now beginning to comprehend.

Laura

[Jackiejdajda]

lmh5 wrote..I can't get her back, I can't have those years back, and I can't change what happened. I know all this. But it doesn't change my anger.

I think its about how unfair this is.. How we did not get to make the decision.. If one makes a life changing decision one learns how to deal with that life changing decision.. How to process it because there are no traps in it..
But this?? No way.. The resentments keep getting in the way of our really understanding about the acceptance of what we can not change..
Its the first emotion in a long line of other ones.. We never look at the other ones because this here anger and resentment sits on top. IMO (<In my opinion)

I think the work at hand is to deal with the resentment first.. Maybe zero in on that.. They did not respect your judgment.. Or heck you may (any birthmom) have just given up and let them decide.. But its a loss of power.. I believe its about taking our power back..
And that's an inside job..

That's about healing ourselves.. journaling.. therapy..groups.. writing about it on the internet.. etc etc..

Jackie

[bromanchik]

Anger is a part of grieving. Maybe you are just now being able to grieve all that was lost when your daughter was taken from you. You lost not only your daughter, but a piece of your parents. The people that were supposed to protect and support you, didn't. Anger, recognising you have a right to it, is the first step. Forgiveness is the second. The step between them is the longest and the hardest. Give yourself time.

My philosophy has always been "Got a problem, read a book". Two books come to mind"

The Angry Book by Theodore I. Rubin - Very good at explaining anger and how to deal with it.

and

The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How
by Lewis B. Smedes - Excellent, excellent, excellent. Two thumbs and two big toes up!

[chatta]

hey I read your post .....Lord dont be ashamed to say what you feel ..........I ( after 25 years) just realized how angry I was when I posted a response to someone ....I thought after I read what I had written ..." good lord did I say that "?But man it sure feels good to get it out.....somehow just having it written down somewhere makes it valid....It made me =sad to know just how angry I was ......but I needed to talk it out .....

[mirahmirah]

Hi,

Mirah here. I am 59. Relinquished in 1967. My daughter dies at age 27 in 1995. I have 3 other kids.

Brenda is right. Anger is an important step in grieiving and thus in healing. Do not rush it, or fear it, or try to stiffle it. Get angry! We all have plenty right to be angry - at our parents, our boyfriends, our agencies, our clergy.

A couple of things that helped me to learn to "blame" the "system" and the times instead of myself, are:

1) being among other bmothers - if even just online. Knowing that I was FAR FROM the ONLY ONE who did this "horrible" thing!! :-))

2) Reading: "Wake up Little Susie" by Salinger helped put it in historic and social perspective.

3) giving myself "permisison" to be angry!

4) writing, journaling, poetry all help me get out the vilest, deepest angriest days. I can put on paper what I sometimes cannot say aloud. (PM or email me for a link to my online adoption poetry - some say my anger release is cathartic for them to read.)

5) Giving myself time - but NOT a time-table! Allowing it to come and go at its own pace. NOT trying to have your grief fit any mold or model of grief. Sometimes, just when you think you are "cured' of all anger, along comes something to spark it up again!!! And ladies, it's been 37 years for me!!!

6) getting active! One of the best things for me for working through anger is focusing it - using it constructively! That is why I have been active in the fight to open the sealed records for decades and will be till I die (albeit with a long hiatus after loosing my mother, father and eldest daughter within 8 months in 1995).

Anger can be a very - if not THE MOST - motivating power on earth!!! Think of all the great "movements" - civil rights, gay rights, women's rights...they are all founded on someone finally saying "I'm not taking this anymore!" Even the Revolutionary War! All began with people who were ANGRY and used their RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION for good!

Lick your wounds, take all the time you need, and then USE your anger to see to it that the same injustices you may have endured do not happen to someone else. If you have a wonderful, open adoption, like Brenda, use your voice to see that others have the same opportunity. It's emancipating! It's empowering!!! Actiism in the "cause" transforms one, like nothing else can changes one from a victim to a survivor!!! If you're not as outspoken - just help others here online. Share support.

When you do reach a stage that is appropriate to start considering forgiveness - remember that forgiveness is something you do for YOU, not for the other person! You forgive, when you are totally ready to let go of all the anger and bitterness related to the incident. You do it to clense yourself of those aspects of anger that eat inwardly at you instead of being directed outward into to healthy act of activism or involvement. Forgiving someone is NOT about absolving them! Only God can do that! Reading about incest survivors taught me a great deal about forgiveness. It taught me that you can forgive the person to help heal YOUR wounds and that does NOT necessarily mean you want that person back in your life - or not to the previous extent. But I think that forgievness is not something anyone should try to rush to achieve. Be patient with yourself and allow all of your feelings - even your anger. As women, many of us were socialized NOT to be angry.

[epenn922]

Mirah - you make me smile.
Elaine

[mirahmirah]

that's me - always a hoot and a howl!

hey - I was REALY ANGRY!!! GRRRRR!

and another thing that makes me a bit angry is the fact that this is the third time I mentioned suffering three losses in 8 months - one, my precious 27-year-old daughter...and not one person on any of these forums or threads has sent their condolences to me!!!

where's the love and support!?!?

I may sound like a storm trooper - but when I'm cut I bleed, just like anyone else!!!

Peace! damit!

[chrismh]

Mirah, I'm really sorry for your loss. In 8 months, to have lost 3 people close to you, I'm sure is a very hard thing to go through. I lost both my parents in a year and a half, and that was also very hard. Not over it yet. Don't know if I really will be ever. I mean, how do you get over it. I know time helps, makes it not so fresh in the mind, but still. Hope you are doing okay. As much as you can. Chris

[mirahmirah]

thanks Chris. i can deal with loosing my parents. They were 78 and 85...it's loosing my 27-year-ols that is the hardest. we had such a very short time together. I AM fortunate to have at least met her. I know birthmom - and more so adoptees - who only find a grave at the end of their search - never get to meet their long lost family member. what a shame. Adoption REEKS (being polite so i don't get censored).

[epenn922]

Mirah - (((big hugs))) and thanks for being such an advocate.

I hope you didn't think I was poking fun or anything at you when I said that you make me smile. I just love hearing someone talk so eloquently about what's in their heart and important to them.

My heart breaks for the death of your daughter. Having two daughters (8 and 5), the thought of something happening to either of them is beyond any pain that I could begin to go near. My amom died when I was almost 5 and while that is something I'll never quite get over, the death of someone's child is just, well for a lack of better words, monumental. Even though monumental doesn't quite begin to put my finger on it.

As I've told you in other threads, I admire your strength and your passion.

Elaine