[bromanchik]

Originally posted by mirahmirah

Anger can be a very - if not THE MOST - motivating power on earth!!! Think of all the great "movements" - civil rights, gay rights, women's rights...they are all founded on someone finally saying "I'm not taking this anymore!" Even the Revolutionary War! All began with people who were ANGRY and used their RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION for good!

If you have a wonderful, open adoption, like Brenda, use your voice to see that others have the same opportunity.

I would like to add that much of my work has been motivated by anger. Anger that adoption is often done very unethically. Anger that there are birthparents out there that shouldn't be. Anger that the laws, and sometimes the professionals, do so little to keep families together. Anger that there is little or no respect for birthparents. Anger that "open adoption" is being used as a carrot and not given the committment and respect that is needed for it to truly work. The list goes on. My anger has been channeled. I will continue to channel it. Remember, Anger is energy. It can be used constructively or it can destroy us.

And, Mirah, I hope I sent you a message when your daughter died. If I didn't I am sorry. I do remember telling Maryanne to send you my condolences.

[blankenb4]

Mirah,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can not even imagine what it must be like being I haven't stepped in your shoes. It must be unbearable. Losing my daughter to adoption has been hard, but at least I have some peace knowing that she is safe and in a loving home.

My prayers are with you.

Barbara

[MissingMyBabies]

I too, am very angry at the legal system that we have! My children were allowed to be adopted by their step mother afer she and their father spent years and years brainwashing my children by telling them I didn't want them, and not having them availabe to me when I would go to pick them up for visitations!
I went to the police, who would only tell me to contact my attorney. I would contact my attrorney, who would tell me we needed to get a court date, I documented and documented, and in the end it didn't matter anyhow! We went to court over and over again, he always made me look like a lier. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever dealt with in my life.
While I wasn't seeing the kids, (even though I WAS trying) they would tell them that I didn't show up on time, or not at all! Y ou have no idea how ANGRY I am! The judge who made the decision said he saw what was going on, but because it had been 6 months at least since I had SEEN the girls, that he had to allow the adoption! It has been since 1997 and my oldest is now 20 and has made no effort to get ahold of me. I sit and I pray and I cry and I cry! EVERYDAY! I feel like no one is hearing me, no one cares, no one understands. Am I the only one who has gone through this kind of mess? I deal with it only by putting it all in God's hands, it isn't something that I could have dealt with myself! I just do not understand how people can lay their heads on their pillows at night knowing some of the things that they have done, decisions they have made that totally affect the lives of other people so seriously. What my ex and his wife did was certainly selfish and definately not in the best interest of my children! How do they get away with it?
I have been reading posts for over a week now and sitting here WANTING so badly to tell my story, but at the same time, scared to death of being judged for things that I have never done, like I have been by the courts. This was NOT my decision and it was totally not without a fight!
Thanks for listening!

[mirahmirah]

Missie - there is an organization (or at least there was) called "Mothers Without Custody" that was created for people in your specific situation of loosing children after a bitter divorce and custody battle. You might want to see if they are still around. My husband did it to me when we divorced. I was married 18 years and was a stay-at-home mom - home birthed, breastfeeding - you name it! He was a work-a-holic and thus he had $$ for better lawyers, and $$ to bribe the kids who were 12, 15 and 17 at the time. Brainwashing - the whole nine yards. The good news is that all 3 of my kids are "back" psychologicially. They are all grown now but we are very close. I pray that your girls will come home to roost eventually, too. Never give up!

Do you know where they go to school? Are there any restraining orders keeping you from them?

I had a friend from MWC, Lourdes, who's husband took her 3 sons out of state and got a court order disallowing from entering the state!! He hung up on her every phone call. I even know parents who have told their kids that the other parent died! Lourdes' eldest son enlisted in the military and contacted her. Have faith! I helped reunite a friend who's wife told their daughter that he was dead. He wound up paying for her college education before he died.

There is also a book - or two perhaps - by a doctor who specializes in this type of brainwashing. I'll try and find the name for you. he also testifies at court hearings and urges that the court transfer custody away from the brainwashers - as it is a form of child abuse. How old are your girls now?

[GE_Glows]

Hi Mirah,

Did I follow the story correctly? You found your daughter, whom you had lost to adoption, and tha's the same daugher who commited suicide? HOW HORRIBLE!!! That's even worse than I understood it intially.

I'm sorry to hear about your other kids too - I'm in the process of a seperation - possibly a divorce. Our daughters are living with me, and Daddy will be the visiting parent. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine how hard it would be to not have them with me, never mind have hem "taken" from me. Tht must have been especially hard for you considering having relinquished your oldest daughter.

LAURA - (((HUGS))) - I'm so sorry you are going through so much pin, even now. I cannot speak fromthe bmom side, but as an adoptee, I can conclusively tell you that so many missing pieces of my life have fallen into place in the last 6 months since I found bdad - he told his story and the missing parts from bmom's story were filled in, and all three of us are in a better place. I encourage you to not only search for your aparents, but to also begin preparations for the search for your daughter. Write letters to her, re-write them, and either send them to the agency who handled the doption for her file, or mail them to yourself, leaving them sealed on the envelope, so you will have a date record (post dated) of when you wrote them.

DO NOT look to your parents for validation - you will not find it there, In reality, even if you could find it, you probably wouldn't - you need to forgive yourself - NOT for having a baby, but for the guilt you feel about relinquishing her. Forgive yourself, allow yourself to love yourself, feel comfortable in WHO you are, so you can be the strong person necessar for your own search, both for your own bparents, and for her.

Most importantly - continue to search for support and a place to vent - hopefully right here with us - we all need an outlet for our emotions.

Best Wishes to you!!

Toby

[mirahmirah]

Brenda,

What happened at the time of Alicia's death is all a blur to me. I'm sure you did what was approrpiate. That is not the issue.

The reason I mention it here on this thread is because I felt less than supported on other threads here.

I came here to give support and freely offer some hindsight of my years of experience to spare others re-inventing the wheel. I was accused of being a know-it-all. (I think I may have UNKNOWINGLY dared to disagree with someone who was some self-appointed high honcho with an enterage of adoring groupies.) It felt as if I had walked into the middle of a land-mine of cliques and inner politics, instead of being welcomed as a newcomer to a group which was here to support one another.

I was accused of being too passionate...and confusing people with all my talk about "rights." How can one be dispassionate about adoption, which irrevocably effects our lives? How can we not talk about rights which have been arbitrarily taken from us as birthmothers, and from our children for all of their lives into their adulthood and beyond?

I got the imprssion that there are people here who have really bought into society's and adoption's expectation of us to be "good girls" and NICE women who don't get angry or complain, or make waves of any kind. Who respect everyone else's rights above our own. Like some kind of Stepford wife! Who accept sitting in the back of the bus, quietly and politely! Well, not me.

I can see that you still have the fire burning in you, Brenda. Since you've been here (?) through my years on hiatus... is this a misconception I am getting right now? Is it just this particular venue (with ads that could well offend and scare off many a birthmom from joining, and or speaking her mind)? Or is the apathy rampant and the "search-find-leave" the movement mentality blossoming? Has the internet - with its faceless, one dimensional level of support - increased that population that was always there and decreased the troopers and front line fighter?

Or...are you all here on the "angry" thread!!!

[mirahmirah]

Toby,

Thanks for bringing the focus of this thread back where it belongs - on Laura. I am sorry for straying so far from the topic at hand. I totally agree with you, Toby, about Laura not being hard on herself. I guess I got off track on anger...but one of the the best reasons to allow yourself to get angry is so you don't focus that anger inwardly. It was not your fault! Like all of us, you did not get the support you needed to keep your child...in fact you got the opposite - an ultimatum. WHAT A SHAME FOR PARENTAL LOVE TO BE SO CONDITIONAL. Many adoptees feel even more precarious about their relationship with their parents than non-adopted folks do. The thought of being abandoned AGAIN - or disowned looms more heavily for adoptees than those of us who were raised by our biological parents - no matter how bad our relationship with them is.

Don't beat yourself up!!! I have to look back and re-read your post to see what you know about your child's weherabouts. Focus on THAT!

[mirahmirah]

Oh, yes, of course - she's 15!

Do you know where she is? Was it an agency adoption? Have you contacted them? Are you on any registries such as International Soundex Reunion Registry or a state one, depending on your state?

[MissingMyBabies]

Mirah.....
Thank you so much for your help! Please feel free to email me or pm me, if you like.
I'm sorry, Laura, to have gotten off track of the subject at hand, however, I felt the urge to FINALLY post, and I ran with it. Someone lit a fire under my butt after sitting here being scared to post for so long.

[andromeda]

This is for Mirah. It's nice to see another 60's era birthmother. Sometimes I feel like a real dinosaur since our experience is now 40 years past.

My son who had been adopted also died in 1995. I'd known him for 8 years and was at his funeral.

I keep my feelings about my son to myself because I still do not want to share him with anyone and now I no longer have to.

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, Mirah. I hope she's well and happy. We have lost them twice.

Lynn

[merrie]

God bless you. I know exactly how you feel. it has been over 25 years for me and the pain is still unbearable. Mine was supposed to be an open adoption (tho it wasn't common at the time). I was lied to and worse my boys were lied to and turned againt me.
Some people think that you should be over it after all this time, but you don't lose a child and get over it. Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" never lost a child.
My oldest son committed suicide last month and I wasn't even allowed at the funeral home.
There are some wonderful Aparents, but there are also some women who weren't blessed by giving birth for a reason.
Merrie
You can read my story and see a memorial page to my son at
www.myjeremy.homestead.com

[Paul Whittaker]

I share your feelings - my children were taken from our custody and put in foster care because of their mother's drinking and mental problems. I spent three years trying to cooperate and regain custody. When I finally tried to separate my legal interests from hers and regain custody myself, I got nowhere - in fact I was ridiculed and torn apart in court. The social workers who were supposed to "provide services to reunite the family" seemed bent instead on scattering it My parental rights were terminated along with hers, I was thrown away like moldy crust of bread. I've moved to another state and struggled since then (12 years) to maintain my sanity while their mother has descended into outright madness. Stories like this get swept under the rug - I hope you feel better knowing you are not alone.

[edenstore]

I don't think you should get rid of your anger. Anger may not always be healthy, but life is not healthy. Anger proves you are human, and frankly, your family was not human. They cared more about their ideals than their own family members. That's the painful part about it, and I experienced it too.

I will never let go of my anger at the people who tried to take my son away--and to some extent did take him away (I overturned the adoption and now share legal custody with the adoptive parents) All you can hope for now is to channel your feelings. Personally, my own anger fuels my activism for birth parents' rights. I do not know what the answer for you is. I channel my anger by writing articles and doing other things aimed at killing those ideals that are ruining this country. I even file a lawsuit occassionally. They caused the anger and the indignance--THEY will have to live with it.

[Hope919]

Hello all~
I've been lurking this thread for a while now, but am just now getting the nerve to post.
I relinquished in 1989. My daughter just had her 15th birthday last month. I've been thinking of her all the time lately- the circumstances, the experiences, the influences, and the repercussions. Sometimes I get so tired of thinking!
Lately, I've been real angry. Realizing that, as a 17 year old, I did not have the courage to stand up against the "establishment" and family and insist that I keep by daughter. However, I think the hardest part for me is thinking that others think I didn't care about, love, or want to keep her.
I keep remembering what my Dad said when I was 10 or 11 years old. During general discussion with my Grandmother (his Mom), I found out that he was adopted. (The circumstances around his adoption sound suspicious, but that's a story for another thread.) Anyway, I remember talking with Dad afterward and asked if he ever thought about his "real" mom and if he wanted to find her. And his words??? "Why would I want to find somebody that didn't love me enough to keep me?"
Wow-- powerful words-- and I never forgot them, especially when I got pregnant several years later. I knew his true feelings about his B-mom, which is not what I wanted my daughter to feel, but I signed those papers anyway. I am so mad! Mad at myself, mad at my Dad, mad at everyone involved!
How can I get past the anger???
Jen

[BitterHarvest68]

<<Anger can be a very - if not THE MOST - motivating power on earth!!!>>


Amen to that, Mirah. Righteous anger that calls for justice has effectively put an end to adoption in Australia. Mothers are now encouraged by the Govt and the private adoption profession itself to keep their babies, in their own and their child's best interests.

Since older 60's mothers began researching adoption history in this past decade, and discovering that they did have legal rights afterall, irrespective of their parents opinions, and that warning them of the known potential for grievous future regret and psychological injury was supposed to be part of adoption counselling throughout history (part of natural justice in common law), and that the hospital practices were illegal in every respect, infant adoption is a phenomenon that is now pretty much over save for 88 or so local annual adoptions in a population of 20 million. The litigation has begun. One young mother who surrendered her baby four years ago has just won her case against an adoption agency for not being warned of the known lifelong grief and psychological injury of surrender. Sadly it wont get her baby back but it will prevent all adoption agencies in Oz from promoting adoption unnecessarily or risk paying out squillions in damages as this one had to. Older mothers have also began taking action against the State Governments for its illegal past practices and for introducing adoption as a service to the public without ever having researched the potential for negative psychological consequences to either the mother or her child beforehand - until it finally opened its records. It will be interesting times ahead as this all unfolds.

PS It's an honour to come across you here. Your book was an astonishing eye opener for me personally.

And please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved firstborn. The tragedies never end.