[HappygirlMagill]

I told my husband before we even began dating about the son I gave up for adoption. He gave me the impression that he thought I was very brave doing something so difficult and important.

When I first started going online back in 1997 I was just thrilled to find all the support of so many others like me. I even started my own online support group and reunion registry. I wasn't searching yet (my son's still a minor), but it was theraputic to correspond with, help, and be helped by other members of the adoption triad.

Unfortunately, at that time, my husband let me know that he disapproved of my searching for my son (even though I wasn't even searching!) He refused to discuss it other than letting me know that he disapproves, and doesn't want me to talk to him about any of it. Not my group, not my registry, none of it. He didn't like my working on my site or the group, but left that alone, provided I didn't say anything to him about it. I just assumed that perhaps he felt threatened by the role he hadn't realized my son plays in my life. My husband seems threatened by the mere mention of anything or anyone that preceded him in my life.

Over time, he didn't seem to mind as much my mentioning of group news or such. It became a bit more comfortable, less a source of contention.

Now, my son's approaching 18. Who knows if he'll look for me, but if he does, I'll welcome him with open arms and try not to smother him in my hugs. I haven't really mentioned to my husband much about the group in a while, but tonight at dinner I happened to mention some mundane group task I was in the middle of, and noticed him tense up again. Normally I would have dropped the subject if he seemed so uncomfortable, but, sitting there, I realized that if my son does decide to look for me, I'd better do my best to have this situation with my husband a little less volitile.

As gently as I could, I told my husband, "you know, my son's almost 18. He might decide to look for me. Maybe we ought to talk about this soon, rather than wait until the eve of a reunion."

Well, he didn't want to discuss it at all, other than telling me that if my son does look for me, he wants nothing to do with meeting him. He refused to tell me why, saying that I wouldn't be satisfied with his reasons anyway.

I feel that I should point out that we have three children. One is mine from a previous relationship, and two are his, from his previous relationship. We have full custody of his children after their mother was found unfit, and I am currently their fulltime step-mom. For a great deal of our relationship, my husband was cool and bitter toward my daughter, but that seems to be warming up finally, a little.

I'm just so upset that he would act this way toward my son, especially after all the struggle we've gone through with his children and my own. Why on earth would he object to so much as meeting my son? Can anyone tell me?

[HappygirlMagill]

Adding another thought....

It's not like I would want him to play father to my son. The most I could possibly imagine my husband should do with my son is to be polite should my son ever call on the telephone for me, or welcome him, if he should ever come to visit me, I suppose. Or am I to say, "yes, I do have a husband, but, I'm sorry, he doesn't want to meet you"? Should I worry that my husband wouldn't give me the message if my son ever called for me?

Please understand, my husband's a wonderful man in so many other ways. But I'm just stumped with this one. Is it unreasonable for me to be this hurt and upset?

Can anyone help me to understand my husband's point of view?

[Robinsmom]

happygirl,

I am gong through a simular problem, its almost like my husband is trying to ignore my search. I go on about it all the time, it is the biggest thing in my life right now. My husband was also aware of my birthdaughter, before we married, he seemed fine with it at the time. He said all the right things, and told me how sorry he was, all the stuff you would want to hear. Now that I am actively searching, he has become distant about the whole thing. Thinks I spend too much time on the computor, to the point that I get up really early in the morning to talk on the forum. I really think that he does not like to think about my life, before him. He would rather believe that I had no life. I have made it quite clear, that I would continue to search. He would never tell me not to, but he makes me feel like I have to keep secrets, all over again. How can we make these men understand? This is not something we chose to do, its something we have to do. I would just like to be able to share this search with him, and maybe have his support. I have gotten more support from people on this forum, than he has ever offered. What can we do, its is like being between a rock and a hard place.
Robinsmoom

[FatBirdy]

I am a reunited adoptee and I wanted to share with you that my reunion has broken down with my bmom - a lot of it due to her husbands reaction to me. He says I have a mom (amom) so I don't need her. He NEVER talks about me with her or the kids that they had together. I hear that he is usually a very easy going guy but with this situation has become very controlling. I don't know why though?? I am nearly 30 and live thousands of miles away. I am not moving in, heck, I will never spend an Xmas with them - but he has played the divorse card over this situation. What a jerk. He also knew before they were married that bmom had an adopted out baby. I gather he admitted to bmom that he is embarassed that he is married to a woman that gave her baby away - but I think his reaction and actions are FAR MORE embarassing. Again, what a jerk.

[Quinte]

I guess i am one of the lucky one's whose husband is behind me all the way in search for my Bson.He even went as far as paying for an agency to help with the search for me .He told me he know's how important it is to find him and he wanted to do what he could to assist in it.You have no idea how many glass's of wine we have drank over the year's discussing David.Best of luck with trying to get your husband's in realizing that your child is part of your life and it will never go away.

Quinte

[Noreen T]

They may talk the talk and walk the walk, but most men cannot and do not want to admit that their spouse was sexually active before they became a part of your life. You had a child, out of wedlock as well, and if you reunite, then it will all be out in the open and everyone will know that you made a mistake. There are lots of men who just don't want to admit that they married a girl who was not ...............


Noreen

[RiverGal]

There is another active thread addressing the same issues of unsupportive spouses...I saw it just yesterday. It seems that many biomoms end up with "controlling" men. I kicked one to the curb last year.

Reunions are shaky in the best case scenario...Fatbirdy's situation can offer a lot of insight on what damage a spouse can do to the process...go back and read some of her older posts. As a result of her biomom's husband, she has had to sever a relationship.

My suggestion is to postpone searching until there can be a clear network of support. If you go read some of the many threads where adoptees (like Fatbirdy) are hurt because they can't even meet their sibs due to spouse's controlling the situation, you may get a beeter understanding of the feeling this evokes in them. That's a lot of emotional baggage to put onto someone in the early stages of reunion.

Just my opinion.

~Deb

[FatBirdy]

My suggestion is to postpone searching until there can be a clear network of support. If you go read some of the many threads where adoptees (like Fatbirdy) are hurt because they can't even meet their sibs due to spouse's controlling the situation, you may get a beeter understanding of the feeling this evokes in them. That's a lot of emotional baggage to put onto someone in the early stages of reunion.

Wow Deb -- this is something that I had never thought of before - yet totally agree with. Do not search for your child unless you and your family are prepared to accept him/her into their lives. In my case, I searched for my bmom. But she led me on a wild goose chase. She kept telling me to hang on because she'll work it out. She would never say much about what her husband thinks other than he just needs some time to get used to the situation. Well two years later and a couple of blow out fights with my bmom -- the truth came out. I will never be accepted into her life. I will never be invited to a family holiday and she never wants me to meet her (my) extended family. I am the bastard she gave away. Leave it at that. Yup, some very hurtful things were said and I finally had to end it with my bmom. She never had any intention of letting me into her life. She strung me along on a wild goose chase so she could have it all. She wanted to talk to me and know all about my life but I was never allowed to be a part of hers. I told her time and time again that I refused to be her dirty, little secret and if she and her husband were not accepting of me then walking away from this relationship was the least that she could do. I needed all or nothing becasue I was not prepared to be constantly remined of what a second class child I was to her. It made me feel like a piece of $#*^. She knew this and didn't care - she only cared about herself. So much of this has to do with her husband controlling the situation - but I must say it's not all him - my bmom is a giant *%$#% and has screwed up enough on her own.

It's interesting how her husband controls the situation - he does it by barely saying anything. Bmom is afriad that he will leave her if she speaks up about me. Bmom doesn't work - and we all know, whoever controls the purse strings controls the relationship. Apparently my name never comes up in his presence - the kids know not to do this. In fact, when bmom told the kids about me (when I look back, a miracle really) bmom's husband went to bed and let her do it on her own. Wya to support her you jerk. Anyway, before you search for your child please work out the issues with your husband first. Being adopted stings enough......but it doesn't compare to being given up a second time. The first time - you can rationalize - my bmom was a baby herself, she had no education, mo money, no support etc........this second time that she has given me up - it's a whole different story. She just doesn't love me or care enough about me......yup, she said this to me too. Not worth it.

[FatBirdy]

Check it out! spouse problem's in a reunion

[79nic]

I have a little bit different situation.

K, here's my story... (deep breath)...

I got pregnant when I was 21, and gave birth to Marie (my firstborn) when I was 22. (This was three years ago: Her birthday is in June of 2001.) Marie's bfather was much older than me, married, and basically disappeared from the picture once he told his wife what had happened.

One month into my pregnancy, I started dating Matt, a coworker.

Matt stuck by me through the entire pregnancy, unsure of whether I'd decide to parent or place. He wouldn't say much about it, just that it was my decision, and he didn't think he had a right to influence that too much. He DID once or twice bring up painting the office room in his house, to turn it into a nursery.

Around the middle of my pregnancy, I became pretty convinced that adoption was the way to go. However....

When I went into labor, I still did not have aparents picked out. This contributed to my STRONGLY rethinking the adoption.

Matt endured the ENTIRE (20-hour) labor with me, never leaving my side. Marie was born at 1:42 in the afternoon. He stayed all afternoon with me, and then went home to sleep.

The day after Marie's birth, Matt came back to visit me in the hospital. That night, we had a big discussion. I told him I was strongly considering keeping her. He got a little upset. He said something (not anything abusive or anything) which I won't write here, because it's personal... but it wasn't a fair statement. When he said it, I just looked at him in shock, and he realized, immediately, without even making eye contact, without me saying anything, that what he said was not fair. He apologized IMMEDIATELY.

Anyway... he apologized, but he left me wondering if it was going to come down to a choice between him and Marie. He clearly wasn't ready to be a daddy.

Well, I found aparents for Marie a few days later. They were perfect. But by then, I'd imagined keeping her. I couldn't admit to myself that I should relinquish.

I spent a few days deliberating, and finally came to the conclusion I should place her with these aparents. I did not tell anyone... I hugged the secret to myself for a whole day.

That night, Matt proposed to me. He pulled out this beautiful ring and told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. What did I say? "What about the baby?" He said, "I want to marry you whether you have a child or not. It doesn't matter to me." He'd come to the decision that he was being (in his words) an a-hole that he knew he loved me, wanted to be with me, and that nothing could change that.

Well.... I then told him I'd decided to give Marie up.

He looked DISAPPOINTED. His face fell. I questioned him on it... and he said he'd actually started looking forward to the possibility of raising her.

Fast forward to today:

I did indeed place Marie with that perfect couple. She was their first. They now have two, another girl. I have had an open adoption with them since the beginning. I love them and their family, and they love me back. We are like extended family.

Matt, on the other hand, is somewhat troubled. He's admitted he doesn't like to think about me (sexually) with another man. Perhaps Marie is a reminder of that, for him. He also says he has nothing in common with the aparents. He is worried about what we will tell our own kids.

To his credit, he does come to see the afamily with me about half the time. He is always polite. But I know there are times he's dying inside.

Does anyone get it? Why is this so hard for him? Is there anything I can do to help?

Thanks in advance.
Sorry this is so long..... this thread just struck a chord.

Nicole

[RiverGal]

Nicole ~ What an emotional journey for you...wow! I really have a lot of admiration for you...I know your decision was a difficult one.

As for the mind of a man, I have not, in my entire 50 years, been able to get any solid theory on what makes 'em tick. Just when you think you have a handle of things, they do something to knock the theory clean into next week. I sure have no insight to offer in that department...if I did, maybe I wouldn't be on a first-name basis with my divorce attorney!

~D

[MeggieC]

Ok, I realize it's been quite awhile since anyone posted to this thread, but I found it interesting.

I think I tend to agree with whoever said that husbands do not like to think of their wives with another man before them, nor do many of them want to admit that they married a woman who got pregnant out of wedlock and put the baby up for adoption. I wonder if these same men would have married the mother if she had kept the baby? I told my husband about Rachel when we were dating. I even once asked him if we would even be together at all had I decided to keep her, and he had admitted that No, we wouldn't. At least he was honest enough to admit that he wasn't ready to be a father, especially to another man's child. However, he, like most of the husbands posted on here, has said that if Rachel ever comes looking for me, he would welcome her with open arms. I don't know how he would feel if I ever went searching for Rachel, but (and I know this probably sounds cold and heartless) I really have no intentions of looking for her. I think it's kind of like anything else: It's easy to say, Yeah, no problem when the situation is still years away. It's different when it's time to pay the piper. I think, however, our situation may be different as my husband was in a similar (I say similar, but not exact) situation in high school. It's part of what brought us together, and had I kept Rachel, I don't think my husband and I would be together because my life would not have lead me that direction. Our lives simply never would have crossed.

I think it's perfectly valid for a husband to have his feelings and opinions--he's going to develop them anyway. However, if he's going to act in a hateful manner towards you, I think you have the right to know why. It is not fair to you or him to keep it all bottled up inside and can only lead to bigger resentment issues in the end. Possibly part of the reason why the thread-starter's husband won't talk about it is because he knows how ridiculous his reasoning is. Sometimes when it finally comes out, you realize how stupid it sounded.

As for Nicole, Wow! What a trying situation for both of you. Perhaps Matt is just confused. Part of him kinda wanted to keep the baby and now wishes that he had, and part of him is secretly relieved that you put her up for adoption. And maybe he feels guilty for what he said to you in the hospital and is concerned that influenced your decision and now he feels responsible for your decision to place her.

And, of course, men will never say any of this themselves.

[79nic]

Meggie,

Wow! Hadn't thought about this thread in a while.... lol.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Just an update for everyone: Matt seems to be doing better this summer with all of it. He still feels he has nothing in common with the aparents, but he DID come to Fourth of July with them, and even made a distinct effort to initiate a conversation with Marie's mom. We were all on my parent's boat, waiting for fireworks, and I looked over... and hey! He and Y were in an animated, friendly discussion.

It'll be Ok.... it would be nice if all four of us (aparents and Matt and me) REALLY hit it off, but I guess I have no right to complain, eh? I have a good hubby and a beautiful daughter and a happy, healthy birthdaughter.

I think his biggest concern is what we will tell our daughter, Elise, as she grows. And what Elise will think about casual sex based on my history. (Mind you, he has his own history. ) My attitude about that is I think he's worrying for nothing, and I am just waiting for the time to come so I can be proved right. LOL. I really don't think Elise is going to be insecure just b/c I placed Marie.... she'll have years and years of us being there, being her mommy and daddy, and I think that security will outweigh any thoughts of us ever relinquishing her (which we would never do). And I also think what I say regarding sex and pregnancy might actually have some more punch to it-- can point out that she doesn't want to have to make the same decision I did.

Wonder how the original poster of this thread is doing... are you still out there? Have you made any contact with your bson???

Hugs and thoughts your way.
Nicole

[Kindreds]

For the original poster - as I read your story, the thought occured to me that your husband may be extra sensitive either because he is a father to a child that was relinquished for adoption or he would have been a father to an aborted child. The issue of your lost son may be too close to home to him.

I know several women who searched & found their lost children lbut earned along the way their husband's were also fathers of lost children.

I often think the political reasons for keeping adoption records closed has very much to do with fathers missing in action.

In our own US Senate there are certainly birthfathers from the closed adoption era who would hate for it to come out that they not only fathered a child, they did not live up to their responsibilites and support their child.

[ad4ky]

I never post anything but this thread caught my eye, i am a male adoptee 39 years old. For the person who started this thread, im sorry but its one thing to be upset about you re-uniting with your son, it is all together a different matter to be treating your daughter bitter, considering you are helping him to raise his children. To me that is absolutely unacceptable and believe it or not she will remember this treatment, i can remember things back to the age of 4, she doesnt deserve it and personally no woman should tolerate a man behaving like that to their child. I am a man as i said earlier and i think that the thought of you having a son you gave up for adoption makes your husband think in the back of his mind that you were unfit especially considering the mother of his children was unfit, he probably thinks he got out of 1 relationship with a unfit woman and got back in one again. This is not my belief personally but this is what some men probably thinks, it is surely what some of his male friends would think if they knew of his prior relationship, and his current relationship with you and then they found out your son who was adopted is now on the scene. Men gossip more than women think and its all about image and how they are perceived by others so to me most men are shallow and ibmmature and behave like children if they are allowed to. Now for the rest of the women on the thread. No man ever wants to think his wife had a sexual history before him, however this is the year 2004 and almost everyone on the planet has a "history", i believe women should not tolerate a man acting ridiculous as if he has been let down, especially considering that most men if women knew their real history would never be capable of finding or keeping a good wife because most men's "histories" are absolutely shocking. Im not man-bashing but just want women to realize that most men do what you let them get away with and there comes a time when you just have to draw the line and say you deserve better, you deserve support and you deserve understanding for the situation. Most men, i hate to say this, but most men will lie and act like they are understanding and supportive because in the back of their mind they think that the adopted child will never show up so they lie and say anything you want to hear, and these are men who will always lie about anything when it is convienent for them until it comes time to step up to the plate and when that happens you get procrastination. So please demand the treatment you deserve, demand to get back what you give and stop letting them weasel out of being men except when they want to show off. As for your adopted children remember they are a part of you and i personally believe every adoptee deserves to stand face to face with the woman who brought them into this world even if only once, dont let a man stop you from just one face to face meeting with your baby, if your husband is not the birthfather, then realize he will never really understand, the good men/husbands will understand to a point but even then there is a realm of pain that only birthparents and adoptees know about and it can cause you soul to tremble. If i ever find my birth mother/father and they could only see me one time because of a spouse freaking out that would be fine, but im afraid that if they wont even look at me in the eyes just once then that i cannot forgive, they dont even have to speak just look me in the eye and for me all is forgiven but i personally do not want to leave this world without looking into the eyes of the one who brought me ino this world, so good luck ladies and for the supportive men/husbands i salute you and for the rest i'll go along with acting like a baby when you are sick, im guily of that but there comes a time to stand not behind your wife/partner, not for your wife/partner, but side by side with her.