[Just Julie]

ad4ky, thanks for your compassionate insight from a man's point of view.

Nicole, I wonder if Matt was bothered by the fact that with the adoption of Marie there was even more "family" in your life. Not only does Marie have a birthfather out there somewhere but also her aparents as well as you, and maybe he feels a bit stretched to relate to all of these folks. It might have made his life a bit more complicated than he had envisioned. Just a thought, but anyway by now he has seemed to be bridging the gap.

Fatbirdy, so sorry for the way things turned out for you. How painful. I hope you are moving on OK.

Kindreds, that really is something to consider. Running for any office can be the end to secrets for a lot of folks these days.

This thread interests me as an amom hoping that my older children will accept my younger adopted son. It's about empathy, compassion, and integrity, and it seems some have it and some don't when the rubber hits the road.

[Juscuz]

To the original poster of this thread........I feel your pain......I am living proof of it. My bson found me last year, he is 24 years old. However, my husband had already known about him, we've been married 24 years, so it was definately not a surprise, however, I never told the kids because I was never made to feel comfortable discussing my bson with my husband. When my bson found me, the emotional turmoil of whether or not to open *pandora's box* was a contention for a month between us, until I finally decided I couldn't wait for his *answer* anymore. I tried to console him, reassure him, be the wonderful *supportive* wife, and in turn, I got a sour pussed, non-supportive husband at the mere thought of his name. I was crushed that my major support system was not behind me on this, when all this time, I dreamt otherwise.

Fast forward one year: Well I did tell my kids - 3 of them with my husband, and I've expressed my deep concerns to my husband about his feelings toward my bson even though he doesn't know him, that's truly unfair to me and my bson and his siblings. So I decided again. Too bad. If he comes around great, if not, I'm not bending backwards to make him feel comfortable anymore, this is MY son, the moment of reunion I've been waiting for all my life, and it's here.

Next week Saturday, my bson and I will meet again after 24 years.....my bson knows how my husband feels (cause so did my eldest for a while), and I rather him not come here where there would be tension, instead we are meeting him where all his Uncles, Aunts, Grandma and loving supportive family wait for his arrival with open arms. And I'm going to be soaking in the love, I waited for this day, and I opted not to take along hubby, not because I don't love him, but because the day that should be so special, coming full circle would be erased the moment I look at his sullen face. I can't have that spoil it.......so for now. He's accepted that, because he has no other choice. I can't change the way he feels or dictate it, but I can choose what I feel and what I do......hopefully in time, he will come to accept it to. If not, then so be it. But I'd rather have him there with me supporting me, and if not, then don't be there at all. I have many others that are going to be there for my support, and it' will truly be a blessing of sorts.

Sorry this post was so long but it hit me right there........

Good luck to you and be firm.

but loving........

[suzherm]

Glad I found this thread. Struggling with some of the same issues. Interesting to see the responses of others. Thanks for sharing.

[4boys]

Originally Posted by FatBirdy

My suggestion is to postpone searching until there can be a clear network of support. If you go read some of the many threads where adoptees (like Fatbirdy) are hurt because they can't even meet their sibs due to spouse's controlling the situation, you may get a beeter understanding of the feeling this evokes in them. That's a lot of emotional baggage to put onto someone in the early stages of reunion.

Wow Deb -- this is something that I had never thought of before - yet totally agree with. Do not search for your child unless you and your family are prepared to accept him/her into their lives. In my case, I searched for my bmom. But she led me on a wild goose chase. She kept telling me to hang on because she'll work it out. She would never say much about what her husband thinks other than he just needs some time to get used to the situation. Well two years later and a couple of blow out fights with my bmom -- the truth came out. I will never be accepted into her life. I will never be invited to a family holiday and she never wants me to meet her (my) extended family. I am the bastard she gave away. Leave it at that. Yup, some very hurtful things were said and I finally had to end it with my bmom. She never had any intention of letting me into her life. She strung me along on a wild goose chase so she could have it all. She wanted to talk to me and know all about my life but I was never allowed to be a part of hers. I told her time and time again that I refused to be her dirty, little secret and if she and her husband were not accepting of me then walking away from this relationship was the least that she could do. I needed all or nothing becasue I was not prepared to be constantly remined of what a second class child I was to her. It made me feel like a piece of $#*^. She knew this and didn't care - she only cared about herself. So much of this has to do with her husband controlling the situation - but I must say it's not all him - my bmom is a giant *%$#% and has screwed up enough on her own.

It's interesting how her husband controls the situation - he does it by barely saying anything. Bmom is afriad that he will leave her if she speaks up about me. Bmom doesn't work - and we all know, whoever controls the purse strings controls the relationship. Apparently my name never comes up in his presence - the kids know not to do this. In fact, when bmom told the kids about me (when I look back, a miracle really) bmom's husband went to bed and let her do it on her own. Wya to support her you jerk. Anyway, before you search for your child please work out the issues with your husband first. Being adopted stings enough......but it doesn't compare to being given up a second time. The first time - you can rationalize - my bmom was a baby herself, she had no education, mo money, no support etc........this second time that she has given me up - it's a whole different story. She just doesn't love me or care enough about me......yup, she said this to me too. Not worth it.

Hi, I just have a couple of ?'s see I am married to a man who had a daughter before we got together and she was put up for adoption. Did you have a good adoptive family, I mean did you have a good childhood, loved cared for? I am just wondering because we all go thru such different things with all of this..including all of us who are married into this and the other children who do not know about this until later on....it is a hard and emotinal thing for all parties...I know from meeting my husbands bd and watching her adoptive parents have to meet us and wondering are they going to lose their daughter that they have raised since she was an infant. I have 4 boys and they mean the world to me, and I would never want to lose them to anyone else to take my place. The bd also seems to only get to know her bparents...but this situation involves soooo many other people 18yrs later not just the 3 of them. I do not know maybe talking or if you can give me a differnt insight to all of this would be great.