[aussie]

Hi everyone,

I have a rather delicate question. I am an adoptee recently in reunion with both bparents. Ah, the rollercoaster!

I am also sort of in reunion with my brother's birthmother. She wrote to us about 5 years ago when she searched for my brother. She found out that my brother had committed suicide when he was 17. She told us her story and she wanted to meet us and see his grave. My parents sent her photos of him but wouldn't tell her where we lived or where he was buried. My sister and I were both against finding our parents and they thought it would be too upsetting for us.
Early this year she applied for his death certificate, she had obviously not moved on. As I had met my own birthmother by then i told human services that she could contact me but not my parents. I have since spoken to her twice and she wants me to meet her and her family in November.

I don't know whether this would be healing or destructive. When an adopted person dies no part of them remains. There is no-one with their eyes or smile, no one with the same laugh. I am afraid that we both want something we can never have and we might make it worse. I am also a bit afraid of seeing him again in her or her son. It has taken me so long to get over his death that I am afraid I will bring it all back. No matter how many stories I tell her or pictures I send her it will never be enough, it will never be him.

Has anyone been through this? Am I doing her a disservice? Am I betraying my parents?

[aspenhall]

I have no real experience, but I would imagine that unless you had specifically made your parents a promise never to reveal anything to her, then it wouldn't be wrong to give her what she needs.

I imagine in the long run such small act from you would mean such a great deal to a fellow human. and although he is dead, she really is a part of him and her story is a part of his story.

As he has died, then it is irrational of your parents to fear this woman. In my humble opinion it is in REALITY very cruel to deny her such a simple thing as the location of his grave. What is she gonna do???? I highly doubt she would dig him up or deface it in anyway. Obviously if she seems capable of that then don't tell her. BUT if she is a normal grieving human being. Then it seems it is your moral obligation to alleviate her suffering if you have the power and ability to. It may not help much...but what could it hurt?

Please keep posting and let us know what you decide as this progresses. What is insignificant to one may be the whole world to another. Your story could indirectly help another on these boards.

[girls3]

I'm sorry for your loss and offer my condolenses. I'm sure it must be very hard for you at this time. Referring to your question, this woman is your brother's birthmom. She gave birth to him, she allowed your parents to raise him, allowed you to be his brother why would it be so hard to show her his grave? He is still her son by blood. Nothing will ever change that. She gave your family a gift, she would I'm sure would like a gift in return and that would be reunification even if he is gone. She was the first to know about him, to feel him and to love him, she now is the last to know him, feel him and love him. She is a birth mother, she is his birth mother. If this was my son I would be devastated. I can only imagine how she is feeling. Can you feel it in your heart to give her a piece of the son she lost and won't even be able to know until she moves on from her life. Just my thoughts.

Good luck and I will pray for you. I know this is hard, but we all have to make difficult decisions in our lives.

[banjo]

aussie, this is such a difficult situation. I can understand why you are worried about opening yourself up to further grief.

If you are not up to meeting your brother's birthmother then don't do it.

But PLEASE let her know where he is buried. AS a birthmother I can feel some of her pain. I think she has every right to go put some flowers on his grave and have a talk to him. I would be upset that my bchild was dead and I was still being denied basic information. I too would get a copy of his death certificate - school books etc, etc, etc just to try and know him.

lol Banjo

[aussie]

Thank you for your replies.

I guess I should clarify that the reason that my parents did not want to tell her where he was buried was because we lived in a country town and once she had the surname on the grave she would be able to find where we lived. When she first wrote to us, both my sister and I were adamant that we never wanted to find our birthparents and they were trying to protect us, as she had expressed a desire to meet us.

I think she now knows as it was on the death certificate, and I have asked her to call me if she is going to go, esp if it is on a significant day so that I can ensure that M&D are not there at the same time. We moved to another state after the adoptions and so did she so it would be a bit of a trip for her.

I guess another thing that threw me a bit was that my birthmother does not seem very sympathetic to her plight. She and my parents seem to think that she should have gotten over it by now and that she may be a bit loopy. I don't agree, but i am worried that maybe we are making a bit of a mistake, and that possibly I am helping her for the wrong reasons. I read her story in the letter and it prompted me ( a few years later) to do my own search. I was disapointed to discover that my birthmother would have gone to her grave and never looked for me, I think that after the letter I thought that all birthparents wanted to find their children. I suppose I identify with her as we are the "searchers", I want to help her because she tried to find him when my birthmother didn't.

I feel gulity that my search and reunion has been hard on my parents and I feel that I am betraying them again by encouraging my brother's birthmother. Maybe we are both looking for something that will only lead to disappointment?

Would anyone else want contact with the adoptive family if your child was deceased?

[michellemartin]

I know this story isnt quite the same, but here goes anyway.

My father would have died about 5 years ago if it were not for a heart transplant. Transplants used to be like, you didnt know who died, and their family never knew who you were. Instead of that now, the family let the hospital know at the time of his transplant that they would like to meet him, even though their daughter was dead, they wanted to be able to know who she had helped and they wanted to share their daughters story with him. My dad didnt want to meet them right away, he had to go through his own recovery, which also brought on a major depression. I dont think these people were "loopy" to want to meet my dad or the other people she had touched. After a year my dad wrote to them (he kept their contact info just in case) We all went to meet her family. There were a couple other people there that had recieved an organ and their children or significant other. It was just a cookout type event. I'll admit it was weird at first. They told lots of story's about her, but it helped my dad to hear about her life and the things she had acomplished. Then after that first hour everyone just kind of talked and got to know one another. My dad still keeps in contact with her family. I believe that it has only caused good on both sides. I think meeting your brothers bmom could possibly be very healing for both of you. She will probably want to hear much about him, since she never was able to meet him. It might be tough to tell her about his life, but I think you should try to talk to her. And if you dont want an ongoing relationship with her, let her know that right away. Just tell her about him and let her grieve for a bit. It may be like losing him twice for her because I woudnt think she thought he would not be alive when she went to search for him. If it would be uncomfortable for you to talk to her, please write to her at least once.

[aussie]

I have spoken to her twice, for an hour or two each time. The first call was almost as terrfiying as calling my own birthmother the first time. I have written and sent her some more photographs and she is free to ring me anytime.

It was cathartic for both of us I think; it was good for her to know that we had not shut her out because she wasn't good enough or was disliked by us, it was nice for me to be able to talk about his life and not just his death.

I guess I am just not sure about the where to from here. I can tend to see her as the "alternate birthmother" and have her fill the fantasies my own birthmother didn't, and I am afraid that she will treat me like the substitute child: if she can't have him, I am the next best thing. Both of these situations are entirely false and I am worried that we will be soothing our souls with the devil kind of thing. I am ok about meeting her, but meeting her whole family (she is coming to my state for a wedding) is a different thing. I get stressed enough with my own birthfamily and I am not her daughter.

[huntersmom03]

Maybe you could tell her that you would like to meet with her but are not comfortable meeting her family. You will always be connected to this woman. I am sure she is having a hard time dealing with the loss of your brother. She maybe imagined someday being able to meet him. And now has to come to grips with reality that she won't be able to. I hope your parents will allow her to see his grave. She will need some closure. Possibly she wants to meet with you not to "replace" her birthson but to fill a void. It could help her if you two were able to talk about your brother and what his life was like and what kind of person he was. It may help you both. Best of luck in what ever choice you make.

[l-thompson]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My biggest fear when searching was finding out that my birthmother was deceased before I could make contact.

I believe its all about getting the closure on that part of your life. His birthmother lost her son initially and now finds she has lost him again - so, so sad. It would probably be very healing for her to go and visit her sons's resting place so she can finally say goodbye.

[Karmen]

I am not a birthmother, but wanted to lend you some support....
I havn't been in the exact same situation you're in, but I did lose my own brother to suicide 6 years ago. I am so very sorry for your loss.
(not an exact quote here) but you said something about when an adopted person dies nothing remains of them, I really don't think that would be any truer than when someone who isn't adopted dies. Everyone gets their smile from someone, eyes from someone, etc.
I love my nieces & nephews to death, but at times seeing them is more than I can bear. They look & act so much like my brother and it breaks my heart when I think about all he is missing out on.
Maybe a part of you is hoping you will see some of your brother in his birth family and will be disappointed if you don't, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I know for me, I still think about my brother every single day. I was a woman obsessed when he died... and I wanted answers, but the only person who could tell me why was him, and he wasn't here anymore. Very horrible time in my life, and I think I went a little "loony" over it too
I couldn't imagine what it would be like to search for your child, envisioning this fairytale reunion, only to be told this devastating information instead. I imagine she just wants answers, and wants to learn more about him first hand, from those who knew & loved him the most.
Your family has the benefit of remembering the good times with your brother, fond memories, the sound of his laughter, so you get to cling to those... but she will never have any of those things, maybe she just wants to share in yours or learn more about him & his life, not just how it ended.
It don't think it's that she hasn't moved on, it sounds more like she just wasn't given enough information or hasn't had all her questions answered... so she can try to move on.
Think about it this way.... If you had searched for your birth mother & your search revealed that she had passed away, would you have stopped there? Or even with pictures? Or would you have wanted to gather every bit of information you could about her & her life from those who had known her? And would it ever be enough? Probably not, since you'd never actually get to have her. I had my brother for 26 years and it wasn't enough.... I still feel cheated, so I can only imagine how cheated she must feel.
BUT, I would also worry about her trying to "substitute" him with you though, and she might be doing that... or she might not be... hard to tell.
I think you are doing the right thing by being in contact with her though, and I'm sure your brother is smiling down on you, very proud of you for it.
Just let her know up front what you need or want out of this, even if it's nothing more than knowing you gave her more answers, tried to help her grieve... and nothing more.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I hope it turns out to be healing for both of you.
Sorry for rambling....
If ya ever wanna talk, feel free to PM me.
Karmen

Just realized I misunderstood what you were saying about when an adopted person dies... you meant nobody in your family has his eyes, etc. Gotcha... sorry about that

[aussie]

Thanks Karmen

I think that I am afraid that someone in her family will look like her, but she doesn't seem to think so from the photos I sent.

As you would know, suicide is like no other death, and apparently the death of a child is the worst one of all so maybe you can see why i am so protective of my parents in this issue. I guess on one level I feel that is birthmother had already grieved him. It has taken us all so long to cope with it (it will be 20 yrs next Feb) and I can't bear the thought of them having to re-live it, or her blaming them for it.

I can hardly remember the good times, all I rememebr is death and pain and shame and guilt. That's why it was nice to talk to her, she actually wanted to know what he was like as a person. I don't know about your experience, but no-one asks when it is suicide, you don't get any support because no-one wants to talk about it or knows what to say so they don't say anything. I used to say it was a car accident sometimes if I wanted to talk, people aren't as afraid.

I guess that to his birthmother he was already gone, but to my parents they watched their son of 17 years die in pain and no-one has the right to make them re-live that. (and when I say watched, he drank chlorine and my father was the surgeon in the town where we lived. No matter how fast he sewed he couldn't fix the holes the chlorine was burning, but he kept going for almost 12 hours).

At the end of the day no-one knows why he did it and no-one ever will so i can't give her any answers or any closure.

[Karmen]

I am going to PM you, I hope that's alright....
Karmen

[aussie]

Of course you can!

[LaurasMother]

Dear Aussie,

I'm a birth mother but I also lost a brother to suicide nearly 14 years ago when he was 23. I know the anguish with which you are dealing. I can tell you that, it may be cliche' but it is SO true that "time heals all wounds". No, you never completely "get over" it, of course. But in time, the pain does lessen.

As to your questions, all I can say is do what you know in your heart is honorable. Ask yourself why you would take his birth mother to visit your brother's grave...is it to defy your parents? Or is it because you feel it will help this woman who brought your brother to you? What do you think your brother may have wanted? I believe that in the next life we will see things very differently and only want those we left behind to do the healing thing, not carry resentment or to be intent on punishing those who may have hurt us. I don't think it would be wrong since you know that you would not be doing this to hurt your parents.

I know it seems scarry to imagine looking at her other son and seeing your brother in him or even her. But it might be just the opposite and you may find it very comforting. Suicide leaves so many questions forever unanswered. This may not answer any of those questions but could provide some closure for you as well as for her.

My heart goes out to you. You have some very difficult choices to make. Search your heart and even if you make a mistake you'll know you did your very best.

God Bless you.

[LaurasMother]

Dear Aussie,

I also want to tell you that I don't think that to most birth mothers their child is already gone. We do grieve the seperation but we know that we are grieving for someone who is not dead. There is always the knowledge that this person is out there somewhere and that one day we may be able to reunite with them. We never, ever forget. I have thought of my daughter every single day since I gave birth to her. I hope I am about to finally reunite with her. My entire family knows about her, including my husband and all of my subsequent children. My children call her by the name I gave her and refer to her their sister. I have celebrated her birthday every year, albeit privately. I believe that the vast majority of birth mothers and families hope to reunite one day. I am very sorry that you have not had a good experience with yours. This must be terribly confusing for you.

Incidentally, my brother also died in my father's arms. My father tried tirelessly to revive him until the ambulance arrived after he was already dead. It's terribly painful to watch your parents suffer this way. It changes everyone forever.

If my search had ended with me learning my daughter had died, especially years earlier I think it would have made me "loopy". I don't know if I would want to meet her adoptive family or not, but I can see how meeting them to learn what they could tell me about her life would maybe provide some closure. And I would have wanted to visit her grave.

Good Luck.