[Girlie_Hen]

I believe that lindasueball misunderstood the message of stacyone. I believe she though that she as a birthmom was being directed out of the "anger" kitchen. I don't think she blaming stacyone for her being a birthmom. I think she misunderstood. i know she loves her child!

[Girlie_Hen]

seacritter posted this on another thread - a song that reminds her of her birthchild: "Wildest Dreams" by the Moody Blues

"once upon a time; once when you were mine. i remember skies; reflected in your eyes. i wonder where you are? i wonder if you think about me? once upon a time in your wildest dreams."

Isn't that pretty?

[RiverGal]

No biggie ~ I'm glad you saw Stacyone was not attacking you. She's a good soul who I have always found to be both fair and insightful.

I do understand how you feel about bashing yourself. It's only been over the past few months that I have made any progress in breaking away from the mindset of being my own worse enemy, and I have been a birthmom for nearly 33 years.

I'll shut my mouth now ~~

~Deb

[seacritter2]

Girlie_hen, Aae92, Lindasueball, and LyndaLou:

You're in my thoughts today.

Love, Seacritter2 aka Sandy

[Missy M]

I was 16 and pregnant; she was my 2nd child, different dad. I raised the first in my parents home; they said no way the second time around. I decided to place for several reasons but the main one being to keep her away from her abusive B-dad once he was released from the prison sentence he recieved after he tried to kill me and our unborn daughter. It was 1971...all adoptions were closed and secretive. I was given counciling by the agency and told I'd never see her again. I agreed thinking that this would give her an added measure of protection...from HIM After giving birth to my daughter I held her for 5 days in the hospital. I memorized her eyes, her dimples and the "strawberry" shaped birthmark on her left cheek. I returned to my families home at 4842 Aaron Court Drive. I came home with empty arms and the prefabricated story that my Mom helped me create about how I'd lost the baby after the beating. It explained my tears; it was the lie.
Our church members and neighbors who lived at 4846 Aaron Court Drive came to church 3 weeks later with their newly adopted baby girl. She was soooo beautiful, her eyes, her dimples, her "strawberry" shaped birthmark on her left cheek.
I knew...my Mom knew and we told my Dad. No one else knew; after-all "my baby" was stillborn. The lie...
The agency "knew" also. The Agency did home studies; they also visited me at home. They had my address, even knew we belonged to the same church. My Mom had been a character witness for them during the home study process. Her name is on their documents and on mine. They knew. The thing is this couple had put a great deal of money on the table and specified they only wanted a small frame dark skin baby girl. ( Her A-mom is 4" 9; I am 5"1) They were in the process of withdrawing 3/4 of that money back and going elsewhere to adopt. I had the only baby that met their criteria within that time frame. There was appox. $40.000 at stake...the agency wanted to keep it no matter what it took.
My emotions, thoughts, and feelings simply didn't matter. The contract stating I'd have no further contact no longer mattered. The conciling I recieved was a farce. I was used.
lindasueball posted"

Hello, does this sound like a nightmare to anyone us???
i know exactly where he lives and i can't even look at him.
i told them when i was 19, i don't know a thing about adoption, i told them i was thinking of it like someone babysitting for 18 years, then never said WHOA WHOA WHOA, you do not understand, and perhaps this is not for you, and you are not a good candidate for this, NO they just took my baby and ran with their plan.

I am posting to say I can relate....I can so relate. I WAS a good candidate for adoption. I knew what I needed to know and I honestly felt I'd made a good plan for the both of us. I didn't know the motive was money. I didn't know greed could over-come common decency.
I never approached my daughter. I watched her grow and was not even allowed to grieve...my parents told me I was lucky that she was so close. I was told to "thank God for this unexpected blessing. At least you know she's OK." Its like not only knowing you husband is having an affair but actually walking in and catching him in the act and being told "be thankful you don't have to wonder; at least he can't lie to you, you're so lucky, many women don't know." Its like I was expected to be greatful for being misled and manipulated. I wasn't worthy of honesty and concern and since I'd already signed away my rights I had no voice.
Hello, does this sound like a nightmare to anyone ???
i know exactly where he lives and i can't even look at him.
NO they just took my baby and ran with their plan.

I can relate...Its not always peaches and cream. MissyM

[aae92]

Missy,

I ran across the big thread, I hope everything is going better.

Happy Mothers day to you to Sandy, the lindas and erin. as you put it- my cyber soul sisters. today sucked. ahh but that is a new thread. take care everyone and happy mothers day to all moms evrywhere. Andrea

[lyndalou]

Dear Missy & All,
Missy I've been following your reunion story with Tovia & I so admire your strength. The way both you & Lindasue were treated is just inhumane! I had no idea that adoptions were tied to such big bucks! When I relinquished my son, I innocently thought everything was free. I'll meet his adoptive father this week & I'll ask him if & what they paid. $40,000.00 was a lot of money back when Tovia was born. I was an entry-level teacher in those days & made less than a quarter of that per year. No wonder these agencies didn't have your best interests at heart, their job was simply dollar driven. Astounding, isn't it?

[Jackiejdajda]

lyndalou wrote.. I'll meet his adoptive father this week

Have a wonderful trip.. I look forward to hearing about it when you get back..


Missy wrote..Its like I was expected to be greatful for being misled and manipulated. I wasn't worthy of honesty and concern and since I'd already signed away my rights I had no voice.

Powerful powerful words..


Jackie

[Girlie_Hen]

I've reread your posts after time away from this thread, Missy - and they are helpful.

[seacritter2]

Girlie_Hen:

Welcome back, YOU HAVE BEEN MISSED and in my heart and prayers.

Love, Sandy

[stacyone]

Dublin said on page 3:

I am not posting here to make anyone mad or hurt so please don't bash me.


That's what I was responding to. It was a not-so-subtle message from one amom to another that in this particular section of the forums, if we can't say something quietly supportive, it may not be appropriate to say anything at all. She understood it and was fine.

Thanks for those who stood up for me.

We cool, lyndasue?

[Robynn1217]

Originally posted by Girlie_Hen
"There is no guarantee the parents you select will stay together or their fortunes will not tumble. The husband could be laid off and the mom would have to go to work, she could get bored at home if she is a professional and want to go back to work, one or the other could die in an accident, the husband could have wandering eyes and take up with another woman, mabe a fertile woman who could give him a biological child. These things can and do happen. Adoption is a permanent solution to your temporary problem of not having a husband. " quote from an earlier thread

Look, I just whish I had realized the above quote while I was pregnant with my firstborn, and raised my daughter myself.

Instead, I gave her to someone I didn't know. I know that I am a loving, safe mother! It infuriates me that I didn't trust myself! It infuriates me that I believed that adoption could be a better choice.

All this is true but whos to say that things may or may not have turned out with you in the same sense. As fas as you saying that Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem...I believe that the permanent solution would be abotion...adoption really is a temporay solution because most adoptees...(I won't say all cause I know a few who disagree with this) want to find their birthparents whether or not their a-parents agree with them...I know that I had something missing in my heart until I found my birthmom and now it's isn't. I won't share her complete story but she wasn't ready to give me up either but did after putting up a small fight. They tried to take me from her in the hospital, but she kept coming to see me until she had to leave. I feel that all birthmoms are strong and very brave. I agree that youth and inexperience may play a part in most decisions, BUT I think that they listen to someone they trust and hopefully come to this decision somewhat on their own. Too many children are having children these days and WE as a community have to support them. Some of them become dependant on the system and never want to get off of it, so they have more babies and get more money and assistance. I'm not saying that everybody does this but some people do and it make me angry that they keep the child just to get a check when their are TONS of people out there who want to be parents and are waiting because they get put on a list. I've rambled long enough. Girlehen...I'm sorry you feel the way that you do, and I hope you can resolve some of your anger, but take it from this adoptee. I admire you and every other birthmom for giving me/us life instead of PERMANENTLY (abortion) dealing with your problem because hopefully temporarily (when your child is ready) you will be reunited.

[seacritter2]

Stacyone:

I know your last post was not to me, but please allow me to say,
I have ready many, many of your posts and I think you are one of the most wonderful moms. I find you to be so articulate, thoughtful, caring, and a voice of reason. I'm sorry I didn't post as much long ago.... (Had my own drama going on, and then a major computer crash).

Bless you and your children.

Sandy

[stacyone]

Sandy... (blush)... dude... thanks. I really needed that today, you have no idea.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally posted by MissngLinkInFL
I totally disagree with this statement. Are you a birthmother? If you have relinquished a child, how can you possibly say something as far fetched as this? I am a birthmother, and I can assure you, as aae92 stated in her post, I am no victim, either; however, not one day in 32 years have I viewed my relinquishment as anything even close to a "permanent solution."

If it had been a "permanent solution," I would not be here looking for support and help now.

If I somehow missed your intent, please set me straight. As I see it now, that whole statement is nothing more than a poor cliche.

Debra

In the closed adoption system, "adoption is a permanent solution to a tempory problem".

For some it is because they are young, others out of work, or have no one to fall back on.

Just as age is not a barometor of ability, any one of any age can and does parent well. For some women with just a little help for a short time they could have kept and raised their own children.

But love is not enough, it just isn't. My step duaghter loves her children, it didn't keep her from using drugs, or placing her children in peril. We have custody of one.

For some they have to look at the whole picture, not only can I raise my own child, but should I? I wish every woman no matter her age could raise her child, but it can't always be.

I am a birthmother, and I do regret not raising my son. He wishes he had grown up with us. Adoption for him was not better, it wasn't worse... it just shouldn't have happened.

Adoption isn't a bad thing, it has been around as long as mankind has walked the earth. It will always be needed.

It is force or corersian that are the evil. There are good agencies and bad agencies. Good adoptive parents whose word is as good as gold, and a very few others who word isn't as good as the breath it takes to say something.

If an adoption is closed and several years later you think you can handle an open one, contact the agency or lawyer that handled the adoption. See if the aparents will open it up.

Scarlet
adoptee lite
birthmom
grandmother